So, I turned 40 last month! I can't believe it's already been a month since that moment. There is much I can say/share to reflect on turning 40, but I thought that, for this post, I'd share a series of stories I posted on Instagram and Facebook as a single blog post outlining my story and journey... from birth, to rebirth, to transitioning, to today! So here is, unadulterated, my 40th birthday Instagram Series in blog form!
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| Some childhood pictures |
I was born Terrence Joseph Mullens in April of 1985… so yes, I’m about to turn 40. I grew up in one of the poorest parts of Long Beach, California, just a railroad track away from a gas refinery. My family was very working class, and I have three other living brothers. While my neighborhood was poor and my family was working class, I was spoiled rotten by my grandparents (honestly a regret that I feel now; my brothers did not get the same treatment and any resentment was and is understandable… though none of us really ever went without).
I loved science, especially Weather, video games, Lego, and talking (some old habits never die). Growing up, I never really felt like one of the boys, though I wasn’t able to articulate why or how. I remember wanting some “girl Legos,” to play with my cousin’s easy bake oven, and (though I never told anyone this), a MySize Barbie doll, so I could wear the dress.
It wasn’t until I was 12 that I was finally able to articulate that I wanted to be like a girl. I was reclining on a LazyBoy on a summer afternoon in August, when, for whatever reason, the idea of dressing up as a woman gave me lots of comfort. That’s the moment I point to whenever someone asks me “when did you know.”
Me as a youngster... I'm betting 5th grade
I quickly realized that sharing my desire to dress like a girl would not be a good idea. Late 90’s working class culture wasn’t necessarily trans-accepting. Any representation was either from shows like Jerry Springer or horrible sitcoms like the short lived “Ask Harriet,” so I found ways to “micro dose” (thank you Meghan Girltime for sharing that term) feminine expression. This may sound dated, but my first opportunity came in Fall, 1997, when I sewed an apron in my Home Economics class, and it just felt feminine… like the kind of print that would make a cute dress. Any chance I got, I’d wear that apron. Again, I hid my expression, because that was the kind of stuff that would get me beat up by the neighborhood kids.
What’s interesting was that, during this same time, I wasn’t doing well in school… not because I wasn’t smart, but because I was lazy. I got sick of the bad report cards and the shame, and just started doing the work. My GPA went from a 0.75 to a 3.17 in less than six months. I actually found my place at school during this time, made some friends, and even got a little popularity as the school’s Meteorologist (I’d basically just read the NWS report and regurgitate it to the school)… I even won an award for it and ended up on the front page of Long Beach’s newspaper.
I had my first crush in 1999, but nothing came of it. I started high school, and finally got a girlfriend in 2000… we weren’t right for each other, but she’d let me wear her clothes from time to time. She dumped me in 2002, and I can’t say I blame her… I wasn’t right for her, but it wouldn’t be long before I would find a perfect girl…
Jamie and I at her 10 year High School reunion
The first day of my Senior Year of High School introduced me to someone who was quite influential in my story… no, we’re not at Jamie YET… a classmate in my AP English class came up to me and introduced herself. Throughout the year, she would invite me to join her friends (mostly girls) for lunch, and also to Senior Prom. I honestly felt like one of the girls during this time, and I look back on that community fondly. Her name is Alicia… I’m still friends with her, she inspired my name (I went through a list of names of people who were important to me, and Alicia just felt right), and she knows. When I came out, her response was “and I love the Name!” If I look hard enough, I bet I can find the photo of her putting a boutineer on me for prom.
My senior year also introduced me to my best friend for many years, my best man at my wedding, and someone I got to reunite with this past December, my friend Adam. After graduation, he invited me to his church, where I made many friends and did life at for years (more on that in Part 4).
When I got to that church, I was adamant that I wouldn’t seek a girlfriend there, because I wanted to focus on God… boy did I get hit with irony, in the form of a beautiful woman named Jamie. Super shy, quirky, and at the time VERY sheltered (yeah, I corrupted her, haha!). I was instantly in love… I asked her out four days later… she said no! But she kept talking to me, wanting to get to know me. A MAJOR blessing here; a few weeks into knowing her, I told her that I liked crossdressing. She’s always known about Alicia, even before I had a name. I can’t say she was a fan, but she didn’t run away. In fact, two months later, I asked her out again, and this time, she was ready! A week later, we had our first date. She must have liked it, because she’s sitting next to me as I write this.
Jamie and I in college
Halloween of 2003, some of my friends had the idea of crossdressing for Halloween. I jumped at the opportunity, and got a blouse, leather skirt, bra, and cheap wig. I wish I had a picture from that night, but I didn’t tell anyone else that I participated. During that party, I was in a room with five couples, all of which, upon hearing about her, implored me to ask Jamie out again… so I did!
I asked Jamie out a second time, this time successfully. We went on a lovely first date to Rainbow Harbor in Long Beach on the day after Thanksgiving. However, when I left her that night, I felt like I had failed, and we’d be stuck in the friend zone. I was wrong… we went out on a second date about a month later (it was college… I was poor), and by the end of that night, there was definitely something there. On January 28th, 2004, I asked her to be my girlfriend, and she said yes. To this day, we celebrate Jan 28th as an anniversary. We also celebrate Black Friday, our actual wedding anniversary (August 24th), and hopefully as of this year, November 1st (vow renewal).
Jamie was probably my only source of stability in my first few years of college. My entire family picked up and moved to Texas in 2004 (on my birthday, nonetheless). I felt abandoned, to be honest. I was living in a tiny studio next to the garage of a family friend. I was 19, living on my own, making $350’ish a month and paying $300 a month in rent. Yeah, it wasn’t going to work out. I sank into a deep depression.
It was also in this time that I got to build my first little collection of women’s clothing, and I would wear them any chance I got. Some nights, I’d pull out a skirt, blouse, bra and panties and sit in there while playing The Sims. I rarely had people over, but I still hid the clothing in case someone came by unexpectedly. I purged the entire wardrobe after moving in with a friend, who now is a supporter.
Jamie and I on my 25th birthday
The next several years of my life involved some volatility (like moving four times in three years), but near the end, I had some much needed stability… I’m thankful for my friend Paul and his mom for taking me at first, and I know most of them don’t agree with me transitioning, but I will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart for the Lucas family (Adam, Aaron, Amanda, Karla and [David who sadly passed away in 2010]) for giving me desperately needed stability and love when I needed it. I know my distancing in the past few years can be, and probably is interpreted as ungratefulness, but I promise you it’s not. This isn’t the venue to go into further detail, but know that I love you all and I miss you.
What I had very little of, was room to explore my gender identity, and at this point, I viewed Alicia as “a sin,” “evil,” and so on… though I, and most around me didn’t resort to the harmful language commonly used by Evangelicals to dismiss being transgender today. Yet, she was someone Terrence “struggled with,” and she would sometimes win. I’m just now admitting this, but I would, to varying degrees of acceptance, scratch this itch around Jamie. I had a few articles of clothing I’d keep at her apartment, and would experiment with them every so often. I also tried to get Jamie to dress up a lot… sometimes even pressuring her to do so, which was wrong. I understand now that it was transference (having her do it because I couldn’t), though to this day, she knows that the quickest way to get my attention is to put on a cute outfit (like the gown she wore to the Keystone Gala).
Over the next few years, I was VERY involved in my church, and even went on some short term missions trips. I was genuinely blessed by my time there. There are still a handful of people from there that I keep in touch with, but the vast majority wouldn’t be too proud to hear that I transitioned.
As time went on, I got better and better at college. My GPA went from low 3’s in 2007 to 3.81 in 2009, and a perfect 4.0 my senior year. Academically, I was on the upswing!
But then something else happened that I was jealous of (though I am extremely ashamed to admit it and apologize to many for it)… Jamie joined a Sorority. And it was, to this day, one of the best things that ever happened to her (and I’m thankful for the friends she made), and while I was proud of her for doing so, I was jealous, for two reasons… the first reason was she had a sisterhood… that understanding didn’t surface until this past fall when I had a dust up with an absolutely amazing group of MTF CDs/NBs/TGs over a girls retreat I wasn’t selected for, and sorta treated them all like crap over (you know who you are, and if you’re reading this, I’m so sorry for my behavior)… I’ve always wanted that for myself, and to see her have it then, and others have it now, was hard. While I regret my behavior then, and now, the journey of unpacking and working on this jealousy has led me to find sisterhood… and God has blessed me abundantly with it since! The other reason I was jealous was because many of the sorority events would require Jamie dressing up, something I wanted her to do for me… and something I wanted to do too. I told her, explicitly during that season, that it was my jealousy and on me… she needed to continue her pledge with her sorority, and I wouldn’t let her quit because of me.
She didn’t, and those sisters took such amazing care of her. I’m forever thankful for them! During this season, I wanted to do a “girls night in,” but called it off because I was scared.
Side note: I actually write more about this in my previous two blog posts. Give them a read.
Trying to make makeup work
I moved to San Jose in 2010 for graduate school. For the first time, pretty much ever, I had some freedom to express my femininity. But I also ended up very homesick, feeling out of place (when I applied for student housing, I was placed in a freshman dorm… I was 25), and honestly struggling. Things got way better when I moved into a duplex with two colleagues a year later.
It was also in this season that I started feeling a bit bolder about sharing Alicia with people. Unfortunately, that resulted in a disastrous attempt at coming out in April, 2011. I shared about my desire to crossdress and my questioning of my gender in a drunken Facebook post I sent one night after I came out to some classmates (with universal acceptance from them). I got a handful of positive responses and messages, but a fair amount of messages of concern, and a few scathing messages from some of my closest friends from home. One notable one that sticks with me to this day was from a friend I mentored for a short time, saying he was disturbed, quoting Deuteronomy 22:5, and telling me that Jamie should dump me. I was minutes away from leaving for a little Easter trip when I got that message, but instead stayed in my dorm and cried all night.
The next day, I wrote a post attempting to walk back some of what I said, and tried to sheepishly go back into the closet. Full disclosure though, I didn’t stop crossdressing after this incident, including around my new friends in San Jose. During this time, Jamie’s commitment to me remained unphased, as none of what I’d shared was news to her, so she was actually a rock and a constant during this difficult time.
After my disastrous first attempt at coming out, I tried to “rein in” my “crossdressing problem…” anyone who’s been on this journey before knows how well that works. But that incident sorta marked a rock bottom for me… a few months later, I moved into a duplex with two classmates (and friends to this day), and finally had a room to myself for the first time in my life. Did I crossdress while I was in my room by myself… you bet! However, both my roommates knew about Alicia, and so I didn’t have to hide it either. It wasn’t like I was doing it every single night, but I was doing it often, and it felt amazing.
Things kept looking up. I was finally getting a handle on my research, figured out what to do with my degree (teach!), I was visiting Jamie often (AND she was coming up to visit me often), I found a new church, and I started getting my head on straight. But I still made time for Alicia.
By the end of 2011, I made a huge decision… I was going to ask Jamie to marry me! After getting her family’s blessing, that’s exactly what I did. On January 28th, 2012, our eight year anniversary, I surprised her at a restaurant near where we had our first date (she didn’t even know I was in town… I was all sneaky). Afterwards, we walked to the same lighthouse we went to on our first date, made small talk for a few minutes, and then I changed the subject, telling her I didn’t know what would happen to me, but I wanted her to be there with me. I then dropped to one knee, and asked “Jamie Rose Archambault, will you marry me?” Her response was a loud shreak, and then an excited “Yes! Of course! You know how long I’ve wanted this for!?!?” We hugged, kissed, and then celebrated!
(I have a picture of that night somewhere… I couldn’t find it)
The rest of 2012 and the first part of 2013 were amazing! I had a great internship, did a lot of traveling, wrote and defended my Masters Thesis, and celebrated graduation by lapping the country by train in two weeks. But let’s get to the real good stuff:
Our Wedding Day...
On August 24th, 2013, ten years to the day we met, Jamie and I got married! It was, and still is to this day, the greatest day of my life, regardless of having to do it in an icky tux! I had zero anxiety, cold feet, or anything about marrying Jamie. She’s always been my dream girl, and the last 12 years of marriage have only shown that Jamie and I are perfect for each other.
The ceremony was beautiful, the reception was such a blast, and it felt like a dream come true. When we got to our hotel room, I spent about half an hour pulling the pins out of her hair, and then a little time enjoying some wine and strawberries.
When the time came to take her dress off of her, I stood in front of the mirror in our room, held it up to myself, and sighed “If only.” Again though, I wouldn’t have changed anything about that night, and we still have, and will continue to have, pictures from that day up in our home… I was just wishing to have my time as a bride too. Hopefully, this November, I’ll get that chance. I already have my dress, and when I tried it on, I started crying. I really hope for that day, and I hope many of you will be able to celebrate with us.
One other interesting thing: About a year before our wedding, I started following a trans blogger named Hannah McKnight… she’s the same Hannah that I’ve gotten to visit the past few years. Well, on our wedding day, Hannah came out to her mom. As eager as I was to find out how it went, I was a good hubby and kept my phone away.
Jamie and I in Chicago in 2015
I’m married now… wow! I have a masters degree… incredible! I still have my whole life ahead of me… awesome! I’m coming off of two incredible years of milestones and triumphs… and then life hits.
When I married Jamie, I made two commitments and goals for our first year of marriage (which is often called the most difficult year): I was only going to work as much as absolutely necessary, focusing on building us up more than climbing the ladder, and I was going to keep us at the same church for a year… well, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.
I spent the first three months of our marriage unemployed. We had planned for that (and had the luxury of doing that), but it was still depressing. I made it a goal every day to put feelers out for adjunct teaching positions, I tutored a bit, and, as I said, I focused on Jamie. Once my Masters degree was officially conferred in October, I started getting interviews for adjunct positions. I ended up landing two…. One at a college about 20 miles away from where we lived, and one at a college about 50 miles away. Oh, and I didn’t have a car or a license, so I used Metrolink and regional busses to get to work. So I’d spend HOURS commuting to and from work, and I’d try to use that time to lesson plan and grade, where possible. Some nights, I wouldn’t get home until past midnight, only to leave at 8am the next morning. We both knew it wasn’t sustainable for years, but I always tell people that was my “walking in the snow uphill both ways” story older generations love to share. And it worked… I had consistent work, decent pay (at least after years of making way too little for what I did), and was building experience. I did this for about a year and a half before I finally got a license and a car… man, was it day and night! I’ll talk more about my career in a few paragraphs.
So I ended up spending countless, honestly ridiculous hours commuting to work, but I wanted to be useful. Nevertheless, that certainly put a ding in how much time I was able to connect with Jamie, but we managed. Maybe the church thing will go better…
After we got married, we returned to our home church, where we had met, I had worked at, and so on… but something felt really off. Nobody ever asked how we were doing, outside of “how’s work,” we had a hard time finding a small group, and our Sunday school class was, well, lame. It had nothing to do with the leadership of the class, and everything to do with the lack of pastoral support being given, and considering young professionals and newlyweds are in such a tumultuous time in their lives, it felt like the group was set up to fail… which it did in March of 2014. Having been at this church for YEARS, we knew that Sunday school classes were the backbone of the church, so to see the church essentially abandon us was, well, hurtful. We left, a full six months short of our one-year anniversary. Only one pastor contacted us about it. In Hindsight, God was sparing us… less than six months later, that church went through a nasty split over a controversial lead pastor. Praise God, the right side of that struggle prevailed!
So, you’d think we would have ended up somewhere better… Google search “Mars Hill 2014” and you’ll quickly find out why that wasn’t true. Yeah, we ended up joining a church during its implosion… and the climax of that was happening the same time our old church was splitting. Our Mars Hill campus ended up being the only one that didn’t continue in some form after the implosion. So again, we were abandoned.
When people ask me how I ended up deconstructing, I point to that era… well, that and the lie that “God fearing, bible believing Christians must be conservative…” that got us Trump. And it was so frustrating and hurtful that, anytime we voiced concern regarding what was happening, we were met with “you need to pray more, read the Bible more, check your heart more.” The blame was redirected towards us. This triggered a massive depression for me in 2015.
Me in 2015, coming out of my "Great Depression"
During Summer of 2014, I was teaching two classes at a college in Fontana, California, but conveniently a block away from a Metrolink station. In the middle of that term, I woke up one morning feeling extra fatigued, but I thought I could just shake it. But it just wouldn’t go away. As summer turned into Fall, I noticed my mood was slumping, my brain was becoming foggy, and my confidence was plummeting. At the time, I thought this was caused by the stuff I mentioned in Part 9, and once the church drama resolved, I’d be better.
But I wasn’t… going into 2015, I just couldn’t pick myself up. I started crying randomly, became very scattered, and lost any sense of self esteem… and it was very visible, including to my students. I completely blew an interview for a full time position at one of the schools I was working at, and started questioning my worth as a teacher… and as a husband.
By summer of 2015, it got worse… I was crying multiple times a day (there were times the moment my last student walked out of the classroom, I’d close the door and burst into tears). I even broke down in tears near the end of MINIONS (yes, the movie about those cute little yellow things). It became intolerable. I’d started therapy, got myself on a waitlist to see a psychiatrist, and tried to cope. But nothing worked.
One day, I was texting my stepmom emotionally as I was walking to the train station on my way home from work. She told me she was worried about me, and to call her once I got to the train… that almost didn’t happen;
I’m about to share something I’ve only shared with a few people… As the train approached, I started having thoughts… serious thoughts… about jumping in front of it. Those thoughts scared the hell out of me, and thankfully I didn’t do it.
Instead, I boarded, and called my stepmom as I promised. As soon as we started talking I burst into the ugliest, most painful type of crying, probably in my life up to this point. We talked the entire train ride, and a sweet passenger kept bringing me tissue. My stepmom said this was serious enough to require an intervention (not like the high drama ones on TV), and that probably saved my life. That weekend, she took me to apply for my drivers license, schedule an actual appointment with a psychiatrist, and to just get my mind off of things. Her and Jamie (who had been overwhelmed by what was happening to me) stayed by my side constantly, helping me make sense of things.
I bottomed out.
A few weeks later, I was put on two medications that I am still on to this day. Within a few weeks, the feelings I had lost their sting. I could handle things better, cope better, and feel better.
By the end of 2015, I was out of the depression. However, something else happened during this period, right around my rock bottom. Something that changed my life forever, and needs to be included in this part…
Second Half:
An “egg” is the common term used in the trans community for a trans person who is still, well, in denial. While I crossdressed at times, and had fleeting moments of wishing I was a woman, I was very solidly in my egg up until 2015. And then something life changing happened…
During the summer of 2015, I had a student who came to my class presenting as male for the first five’ish weeks. One time, I thought I overheard this student talking to their lab group about being transgender, but I didn’t want to eavesdrop, so I flushed it out of my head. Then, one day, out of nowhere, she showed up in class wearing a dress, a cute pair of flats, and a bow in her long hair.
I was extremely uncomfortable… hear me out, I was uncomfortable for two reasons, neither about her herself… first, I had absolutely no idea how to support her. Do I ask her, do I bring it up, I don’t want make a big deal out of it or embarrass her, but what do I do? I had no training (funny because now I lead training like that at times) on this, and I didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing. I regret that to this day. I gave her high fives (like I did other students), answered questions, and offered words of encouragement surrounding the course, but I never asked her for a name/pronouns/anything.
But she kept coming. She kept participating. She kept asking questions. One day, I saw a classmate helping her straighten out her dress, and then telling her “you look beautiful.” I said a quick prayer thanking God for that student.
I was also uncomfortable, and honestly way more uncomfortable, for one other reason… this student was doing the very thing I knew I wished I could do. She made me realize that it was possible to do this. After I married Jamie, I was trying everything in my being to just “be a man,” especially because so much more was riding on it. And I realized that Alicia was, at the very least, a part of me that couldn’t just be removed surgically and tossed away. And it shouldn’t need to either. After going through so much of seeing the human side of Christianity, dealing with a deep depression, and now seeing someone doing something I so badly wanted to do, the seeds were planted.
My egg cracked… for the first time, a truly serious, deep crack.
On the last day of the class, she turned in her final with her male name crossed out, and her true, affirmed name in its place…
Cassandra.
Cassandra, you changed my life! Because of your bravery to, in a very working class region of SoCal, still start coming to school as your true self, I realized I was running out of excuses. You have no idea of how fucking proud I was of you then, and how proud I am of you now. You gave me the honor of your vulnerability, by bringing your true, authentic self into my classroom, you invited me into a part of your life that made me confront what I referred to as my “deepest, darkest secret.” I don’t know what I did to earn that, but thank you!
I would give just about ANYTHING to cross paths with you again (all of you who I talk about wanting to meet so bad, my desire to meet Cassandra is multiple times that, and that’s saying something!). I have no idea what happened to you after that class. If you transitioned, didn’t, found your gender equilibrium (Jenn, that word is PERFECT) elsewhere, or if it was just a phase, I’d love to know. I’d love to know if you’re safe, if you’re healthy, and if you’re thriving. And I’d love to give you the privilege of meeting my true self, who your act of bravery and authenticity stirred out of a deep slumber. I believe transition was inevitable for me, but because of you, I think I found that out much sooner than I would have otherwise. I will forever be in your debt, and forever thankful for you. I promise you I started going to trainings, learned simple ways to show allyship (pronouns, people!), and started exploring my own identity. Now, I have the honor of supporting both openly out and closeted LGBTQ+ students in so many ways, and I’ve seen the fruits of that, and I have you to thank for that, Cassandra.
If you ever come across this, please reach out to me. I’m pretty findable on social media, and I’d love to reunite with you. You changed my life Cassandra… thank you! 
My gosh! My makeup was terrible... but this was the first time I tried to dress up!
Once an egg cracks, it’s only a matter of time. In early 2016, Jamie and I threw a party at our apartment, where friends would bring over a couple of bottles of beer each, and then we’d all share and enjoy the different flavors. I learned the hard way that night that nerves about hosting, combined with a ridiculous amount of alcohol can get you real drunk. I treated poor Jamie to a night I can’t remember, but she’ll never forget. But at one point that night, while I was praying to the porcelain god, I started blurting apologies to Jamie for stuff I did wrong, and then it came out…
“I’m sorry Jamie… I want to be Alicia!”
Over the next several months, Jamie informed me that, at night, she’d hear me say “I want to be a woman… I want to be Alicia.”
A few months later, I came out (as a crossdresser) to her best friend, and her husband. They supported me. That night, Jamie mentioned she wanted to see me wear a dress so she could picture it… so I did. It was fun.
We talked about doing a girls night… but I still couldn’t pull the trigger. But I started collecting things… a dress here, a pair of boots there, some cheap makeup here, a wig there. Every so often, I’d wear some of the clothes.
Sometimes Jamie was okay with it, but sometime she was not. She wanted Terrence. Yes, we argued at times. It was hard at times. Not so bad in others.
During this time, lots of awesome stuff was happening too… I got my license… got a car… landed my dream job teaching Meteorology at De Anza… started saving money…
I also struggled with bouts of depression… feeling like a failure at work… resumed both meds and therapy. Felt kind of out of place at church… had to grieve the deaths of several friends and family…
Pretty normal stuff. But the crack was growing, multiplying, expanding. In early 2019, I finally said something I thought I’d never say to myself or Jamie…
“I think I’m transgender.”
It was time to meet Alicia…
(Editor's note: I wrote this next post on April 12, the 6 year anniversary of the picture above... I call that date my "Aliciaversary.") 
I let a professional give me a real makeover... This is the day I "met" Alicia.
When I saw this in the mirror, I was in love! I could finally see my true self!
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| Holy shit, look at that Denial Beard!!! |
Let me forward this by saying that, my wife Jamie, is the most incredible ally, friend, partner, and wife imaginable, and that her love, support, and acceptance of me blow me away to this day!
Also, look at that denial beard… damn!!! Okay, on with the show… this is Summer, 2019:
After the magical moment where I saw “her” in the mirror, the cracks in my egg were practically everywhere, and a complete shattering was inevitable. I realized real quickly that Alicia was out of the bottle, and wasn’t going back in. I became so eager to spend more time as Alicia, and to start taking steps towards building a life for her, even if I wasn’t going to fully transition. I was completely engulfed by the Pink Fog. And it felt like I finally had the momentum to do it… at least I thought I did.
If you are a trans person or know someone who is, you’ll know that there are a lot of unique obstacles to overcome, and I was about to face mine, and confront the single most pivotal question in my journey…
Could Jamie and I survive this? Could our marriage survive this? If you ask me that question today, I’d say, without skipping a beat, that our marriage HAS survived it! But in 2019, there was a point where that was in serious doubt… for both of us...
Jamie then made a comment that I took as very hurtful.
I immediately said “okay, that’s all I need to know that Alicia can’t exist.” I was hoping Jamie would try to refute that comment… she didn’t.
One of my biggest weaknesses is that I am exactly the kind of person being talked about when you hear the phrase “Hurt People Hurt People.” A few people experienced that this past year from me…
And Jamie experienced it on that day…
I made a very hurtful comment to her.
She fought back…
And I refuted…
It was a full blown argument. At one point, I said “I think our marriage is in deep trouble.”
She then tried to walk back her original comment, trying to assure me that Alicia could still exist.
I was having none of it.
This back and forth bickering lasted the entire drive home. We didn’t stop for dinner, like we usually do. No side trips to SLO or Pismo. No visit to Firestone Walker brewing. Just arguing, crying, and more arguing.
I call that incident “The Blow Up.”
I also purged all of my Alicia photos from up to that day… only 5 survived, only because they had been posted to some form of social media or another.
The thought of losing Jamie tortured me… the thought of having to fully go back in my egg also tortured me. There’s a reason why so many marriages do not survive a partner’s transition, or even an attempt to be trans “part time.” Most of the trans people who were married when I met them ended up being divorced within a year or two… some very amicable, others very nasty.
To my trans friends out there, it’s completely understandable that your spouse/partner isn’t able to accept you, or at least struggles with it. When a person transitions, so, so much changes, and I don’t just mean physically. In a very real sense, you are no longer the person your partner fell in love with. You’ve taken that from them, and it is very unfair to them.
To those of you who are the spouse/partner of a trans person, it’s also completely understandable that your partner simply can’t just stop it. It’s not something that can be tapered off, phased out, or repressed permanently. Trying to do so fails 10 times out of 10. It simply doesn’t work that way. And continuing to bottle it up can have actual health consequences. One of my trans friends ended up having stress-induced shingles and kidney stones because holding her true self back was no longer sustainable. Others become depressed, giving into addiction, and some even lose their lives. It’s not as simple as them choosing to be trans over being with you… and to view it that way is also very unfair.
The truth is that this is an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object.
I stayed on that couch for over a week. Jamie kept begging me to come back to bed with her. We kept arguing, though now the arguments were about me not believing her when she was trying to walk back her original words.
We needed help. And I needed to start doing the work to make it all worth it to Jamie.
Over the next few weeks, the olive branches came out. I started going to a transition coach to work on how I could reassure Jamie. We both got into therapy.
My transition coach was someone special to me… the amazing Aejaie, who helped me see Alicia for the first time. She was a licensed counselor who had done that work with so many. One day, she asked me to bring Jamie to my next session. During that session, I stepped out of the room for a good 20 minutes while they talked. When I came back in, Aejaie had some reality to lay down on me… but also a message of hope. She saw a love for me in Jamie that she believed could conquer this. She saw the same thing in me. She told us what we needed to work on before Alicia could ever make an appearance again.
And we got to work. We still had arguments, but they ended with us trying to understand each other. I got a better idea of where I needed to reassure Jamie, and what her needs were. Jamie started researching LGBTQ+ topics, authors, and drag. And she got into it. Meanwhile, I started evaluating what she needed from a husband, and if/how those needs could be met by Alicia like they were Terrence. We talked more.
There was ebb and flow. But we kept learning from it, and from each other.
By the end of 2019, we were out of the rut. I didn’t have to end Alicia… and I didn’t have to lose Jamie either. Probably the biggest shift came when I realized my frame of thinking had changed… I no longer worried about how her disapproval would affect me, and instead was focused on not taking the person she loved away from her. It all ended with a phrase I still use today “I’m no longer afraid of losing Jamie… I would be devastated if I did, but there’s something I’m more worried about… taking her husband away from her.”
And I’ve done to work to still be her husband. And she did the work to be confident that I was just as much her husband as Alicia as I was Terrence. And I still am to this day!
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| This was me just minutes after coming home from my first night out with Jamie as Alicia! |
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| Me after my first full day out as Alicia |
But there was also one other thing that I was noticing… it was becoming harder and harder emotionally when the time came to “de-Alicia” as I called it. I hated going back to “him.” It felt wrong… it felt forced… it felt depressing. Jamie noticed it too.
On October 24th, 2020, Jamie was busy doing something, and I had a makeover booked, so I decided to, once finished, go out. I spent the full day shopping, going to breweries, out to dinner, and just having the time of my life. When I got home, Jamie snapped a bunch of pictures of me in the new fits I bought. It was such a fun time… and then it was time to go back to “him.” It was hard.
The next weekend was Halloween, and seeing as we were in one of those lulls in the pandemic, we went to a party. I decided to don my Audrey Hepburn costume, but NOTHING was working (bad makeup, wig not cooperating, etc). Yet, I still had the time of my life. When we got home, Jamie went right to bed, but I was unwilling to “de-Alicia” yet, so I stayed up, drank a crowler of imperial stout, and just enjoyed a few more hours of girling out.
When the time came to go to bed, I got undressed, makeup off, and crawled into bed for one of the most important conversations of my life… Jamie asked me if I had a hard time sleeping, and I admitted that I didn’t want to go back to being “him.” She then said “I noticed, have noticed for a while, and when you’re ready to say it, I’m ready for it.” I asked her “do you really know what I want to say?” She said “yes, Alicia.”
So, here it comes… “Jamie… (tearfully) I WANT TO TRANSITION!!!”
Her response: “I know… I’ve known for a while, and have been preparing myself. Know that I’m not going anywhere, I support you, and I love you, Alicia!”
So that was it… in the early hours of November 1st, 2020, the last pieces of my egg broke off. I was now out to her, and to myself! And we had made the conclusion… I was going to transition.
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| And now we're back to the present! My 40th birthday! |
And now, here I am! Today’s the big day where I say farewell to my 30’s and hello to my 40’s. I didn’t share much about the last four years because, frankly, my whole social media has been an anthology of them. But here are some highlights:
In late 2020, I started coming out to people, and on June 12th, 2021, I fully came out.
Thanks to the help of a zealous administrative analyst at my part time job, I started teaching as Alicia on Jan 27th, 2022. I transitioned at my full time job less than two months later.
I attended my first professional conference as Alicia that summer, and then met my favorite blogger and role model, Hannah McKnight right afterwards.
I started HRT on October 2, 2022.
I flew pretty for the first time in August, 2023.
And today, I turned 40!
I don’t know what’s next… I’m both scared and cautiously optimistic about this decade. This last year has been a real learning curve in terms of community, and I’m still getting my head on straight. But know that if you’re reading this, whether you’ve been my BFF, close friend, a well wisher, a distant acquaintance, fed up with me, or hate my guts now because of my past behavior, your presence in my life these past few years has been a gift to me, and one I’ll cherish forever. I’ve been blown away by the love and support you have all shown to me, and just as importantly, each other. I wouldn’t have a fraction of the wonderful life I have now if it wasn’t for you all, and I promise that’s not lost on me.
Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart! I love each and every one of you, and I really mean that.
Hugs!
-Alicia
