Cha-cha-cha-changes!

 

Like a caterpillar goes through major changes in its life, so do we. And the results of those changes are equally beautiful.

 

Maybe it's the headache or dizziness I'm feeling right now, or the fact that a lot of people are on my heart right this moment, but I can't seem to get any work done... so I'm going to take a break and write this blog instead to get my thoughts out, and hope that any of you reading it will benefit from it. 

A lot of people in my life right now are going through changes, and it's become dizzying. I don't want to name names, but I'll just give a few examples of the changes I'm seeing:

• In the last month, two of my crossdressing friends have publicly come out as gay. 
• Another shared that she's started HRT.
• A podcasting friend of mine shared that her decade-plus long relationship with her partner is ending.
• And I, myself, just joined a Gym... that may seem insignificant compared to what my friends are going through, but it's still a change that I'm surprised by... I wrote all about my weight loss journey in my previous blog. 

These are just a few examples that are standing out with those who are in my life right now, but they aren't the only ones. 

It's making me reflect on one of the most beautiful elements of humanity and that’s our ability to evolve. As we grow and learn more about the world around us, we ultimately learn more about ourselves. What we learn about ourselves ultimately leads us to make changes accordingly to fit our new worldview.

As I mentioned above, I’ve seen this theme of change and evolution a lot in my community of friends, family, and acquaintances, and I just want to say that it’s such a beautiful thing. I’m seeing people learn more about the world around them, learn more about themselves, and make changes accordingly. I’m going through my own changes as I start to prioritize my health, so I too am evolving. 

But it's hard... and it's dizzying. We are raised to believe that things stay static... marriages last forever, people have the same job for 30+ years, a person's identity never changes. And so change is met with a lot of apprehension and even hostility. I'll use Savannah, my podcasting friend as an example of this... she devoted a couple of episodes of her (and her co-host Julie's) podcast "The Fox and The Phoenix Podcast" to reflecting on the end of her relationship, and the fear that she has lost credibility because of the end of her relationship... I really don't want to put words in her mouth, so go check out the podcast for yourself to hear her story. It's really good though. 

But what I will say is that there's nothing unnatural or invalid about what Savannah is experiencing. The same is true for my newly out gay friends or my friend who just started HRT.  What I want to say to all of them is that the “new you” doesn’t invalidate your past experiences or identities, nor does it make you a liar or a cheat for changing. I can remember back when I thought I was "just" (I'm cringing as I say that... crossdressers are not "just" crossdressers) a crossdresser, and never wanted to transition. I believed that wholeheartedly... I wasn't lying to Jamie, my family, or anyone else... it was my truth at the time. I believed it with my whole heart because, for me, it was the truth! But as I learned more about myself, learned more about this side of myself, and watched as excuse after excuse went down, I eventually came to the conclusion that I needed to transition... that Alicia was the next step in my evolution. What's funny is that I have a very different view about this from many of my transgender friends... my new identity as Alicia doesn't invalidate or erase my time and past as Terrence... a man... I don't consider Terrence my "dead name" and I certainly don't consider Terrence to be "dead." I instead view him as "retired..." committed to the archives of my life as a whole. Without Terrence, I wouldn't have the job I have, the wife I have, or the life I have... I can't look back on my past as Terrence and say "yeah... that was all a lie." No, at the time, it was very much my truth. Two things can be true at the same time... I lived 36 years of my life as man, started a career, found an amazing wife, made great friends, and so on... but I also felt like there was more to me than who I was at the time... I felt feminine, and wanted to express that femininity. Once I had the opportunity to do so, I learned new things about myself, and it changed who I am. I am a more complete, mature, and beautiful person now... just like a caterpillar, I've transformed into a butterfly. I see that in so many of the stories in my friends and acquaintances lives too. Just because you're now realizing you're gay doesn't mean that the relationship you had with a woman was a lie... it was your truth for so many years. Just because you're transitioning now doesn't mean that your past was a lie... it may have been your truth for so many years (but let me be careful too... I know so many trans people who do feel like their past was a lie... and that's valid too!). You're just working with new information. I know trans people who seriously never questioned their gender identity for many years only to have had an experience bring up a bunch of stuff that changed their perspective. 

That doesn’t mean it isn’t painful or costly. Evolution is painful and costly, but what comes out the other end is so beautiful, and so much better for having gone through the transformation. I've always wondered if caterpillars feel pain as they transform into butterflies... I wouldn't be surprised if they did... I mean, doesn't their entire body liquefy or something in the cocoon? That's gotta be painful. But I sure know we deal with pain as we change... My oldest brother, who I damn near worshiped growing up, no longer speaks to me because I transitioned. Marriages end when people come out. Jobs are lost, relationships are broken, and pain and loneliness oftentimes set in. I wish I had a cure for that, or a way to make it less painful... I unfortunately don't, but I will say that it's worth it in the end. 

So where am I going with all of this??? Honestly, I have no idea... it's more of a brain dump than anything. I just want to say that if you're experiencing major life changes right now that you aren't alone... I hope you have a community of loving people surrounding you, and that they can help shepherd you through the minefield that comes with change. I'm also here, so don't hesitate to reach out (I'm on FB and Instagram... don't hesitate to drop me a line). 

Love you all! 

Hugs!

Alicia  

Still Trans, Still Fabulous, but...

 

I can see this for myself in the future! She's beautiful, she's happy, she's realistic! 

...but MAYBE a little less Fat???  

So I started age 41 somewhat at a crossroads... I finally feel like the drama and fallout from the drama I wrote about here, and the phase of my transition that was so focused on finding sisterhood that I wrote about here, and here has passed. The very last piece fell into place during Keystone this year when my friend Olive, who one of the ladies I'd treated so poorly a couple of years ago, said to me, very explicitly, "you've never hurt me before," and for whatever reason, that gave me the last piece of closure on a chapter full of drama, depth, fallout, but also tremendous growth, amazing memories, and dare I'd say self improvement. I have my sisterhood now! I've either reconciled with those I wronged, or have at least had the chance to apologize and move on (unfortunately not everyone chose to forgive me, and I've made peace with that). I've made amazing memories, and simply feel more full of life. 

So what next? 

Welp, on Saturday, April 25th, 2026, I sat down with my Gender Identity Coach Jenn (https://www.jennspire.com) somewhat with the hopes of talking about what comes next. She saw me through so much of this last phase of my journey, has lauded my growth, challenged me in ways I could ever imagine, and helped me find balance with my gender identity and social presence (she's even trademarked a term "Nova Gender Equilibrium"). It was incredible to, while sitting there with her, reflect on how far I've come, and how much I've grown. After that, she asked me if I was ready to find out what comes next in my journey, and honestly, while I was open to whatever she had to say, there was one thing I was telling myself... 

"Alicia... you need to lose weight!"

I'm so thankful that's not how Jenn told me... that would have been depressing. But she did preface what she wanted to share as her vision for my next step with celebrating and reflecting on how much I've grown. Then she said that she'd been playing with AI (which I know people have their opinions on) to put something together with me, and then she showed me the image above... 

Talk about great minds thinking alike! So here's a little bit about me: I'm fat... I've always been fat... I'll probably always be fat... it's in the name of this blog. But I think there's a difference between being fat, and being morbidly obese, unhealthy, and just plan ridiculously large... and somewhere along my life, I crossed over that line. At my peak, I weighed 379 pounds, and was making a Naruto run towards 400! I needed to buy a second seat just to fly! Torrid, a plus sized store well known for supporting both large and LGBTQ+ bodies, barely carries any of my sizes in their brick-and-mortar stores. Walking from my car to my office (just a few feet) would wind me. I'd run out of breath just trying to teach my classes. 

It was bad... real bad. And it needed to change. 

But nothing motivated me to change. I tried Ozempic, compounded Semaglutide, counting calories, everything but actually eating better and exercising. I felt like that Ned Flanders meme...

I'll admit that I'm on a GLP1 + GIP medication now that is moderately helping me, but I can't say that it's the big difference maker here... 

But that image at the top of this blog was, for some reason, what finally woke me up. Jenn didn't say anything stern to me... she didn't say anything at all in fact. She just shared her screen and gave me a moment to take in what she was showing me. 

And it clicked...

This isn't about "you need to lose weight..." it's about finally giving myself access to a life that is so much better than the already amazing one I have. It's about unlocking my true feminine potential. It's about being happier and healthier. And it's about enjoying a long life that I've been depriving myself of by overeating, poorly eating, and doing absolutely nothing. 

And even though it's an just AI-generated image, the woman in that image at the top of this blog seems so real... so joyful... so feminine... so beautiful... and so ME!!! But what I love best about her, is that she is REALISTIC for me!!! She's me minus 100 pounds... hell, my best friend Natalie just went on a beautiful weight loss journey where she lost about that much (that's her story to tell, not mine). I've seen motivational weight loss videos that show people achieving such a weight loss (and even more). And for the first time... ever... I can see it for myself. The woman in that image shows me how I could look if I prioritize my health. She doesn't need an extra seat on a plane... she can walk and hold a conversation without losing her breath... she can go to any plus sized (and even some straight sized) clothing stories and find a wealth of beautiful clothes to try on... she doesn't look like a college professor, but instead looks like a fucking DEAN or College Vice President... she looks like someone that people can turn to for support and guidance... she looks like a leader... she looks like she has a fulfilled life... she looks like she's owning the world. I see so much of myself in her... and so much potential in myself when I see her. 

Jenn and I spent the rest of our session talking about what it would look like to work towards becoming her. What I would need to do, and how I could do it. It wasn't simply a conversation about dieting and exercising, but instead about finding what truly works for me. We looked at the tools I already had available to me (like my compounded tirzepatide medication, Apple Fitness, Noom, etc... some of these, I was already paying for), and came up with a plan. 

I left the session so excited that I went out for a walk... I was winded the entire time, and it took so much out of me just to get through that walk. I even needed to take a break halfway through the walk. But I was proud of myself for doing it. I shared about my session with people, and that I was going to start walking and watching what I was eating. I logged onto my Noom app for the first time in a long time and logged in my breakfast and lunch... and then I ate a more sensible (though still not healthy) dinner, and went to bed. 

I woke up the next morning hungry and was about to order Carl's Jr via Doordash... but then I thought "no... I can do better than that," got my sneakers on, and went for a short walk to Starbucks instead for breakfast. I ordered what I'd usually order, and felt aghast as I logged it into my Noom app at how many empty calories I'd just consumed. But I walked there... and then took a long route home. My second day of walking...

That was 44 days ago...

Today, I took a longer walk (1.4 miles to be exact) during my lunch break, after eating my meal prepped lunch. I even closed my exercise ring... for the 41st out of 45 days since that day. Yesterday, I took a 4 mile walk and it barely winded me... I was even able to do a live stream during it and carry on a conversation. I'm walking and talking again! It took a while, but one mile turned to two miles, turned to three miles, which is how much I've been walking a day for the past week. I'm closing my move and exercise rings on Apple Fitness practically everyday now, and closing my stand ring when I can remember to stand up enough. I've mostly given up diet soda, switching it out for iced tea, and... gasp... WATER. I've found several healthy meal alternatives when I eat out (hello grilled teriyaki chicken at Panda Express!), and I'm cooking at home more. I've even taken a liking to chia seed pudding... yummy! Especially with vanilla yogurt and mixed berries. I haven't fully turned away from Philly Cheesesteaks... I just don't eat them on the weekly anymore. I only drink alcohol on the weekends, and when I do, it's a beer or two, not a four pack like I used to dome regularly. I've been swapping out higher calorie foods for leaner proteins and healthier alternatives. I have an appointment to look into a gym membership...

And it's paying off! I'm currently at 349 pounds (down THIRTY POUNDS from a month and a half ago!)... my goal was to reach 350 by the end of June... I did it three weeks early! And it's steadily declining. You know what else has declined? My resting heart rate has plummeted since I started walking... that's a very good sign! Like I said, I can walk and talk again. My clothes are starting to fit differently. It's incredible! 

...and it's just the beginning. 

Listen, I'll always be plus sized. I'm never going to have a 28" waist... I don't even want one. But I can get a lot healthier, get my weight down to a more reasonable level (my ultimate goal weight is 250 pounds, and I know I can do it!), and get more confidence. I know I can do this, and I know I need to do this. I deserve to be healthier and happier. My friends and family deserve to have me healthier and happier. Transitioning has very much felt like getting a new lease on life, and I believe that I'll be a better steward of that life if I lose this weight and get healthier. I feel like the sky is the limit for me right now, and I know that the woman in that top image can be me... will be me... IS me! 

This is just the beginning of this journey. Stay tuned!

Hugs!

-Alicia  

Girls, Gowns, and Growth: The 2026 Keystone Conference

 

What do you call an Alicia, a Kara, and two Natalies? 

This past weekend was the 16th annual Keystone Conference in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. While it has a conference-y feel to it (badges with ribbons, workshops, coffee breaks, etc), it's honestly more of a big party for crossdressers and transgender folx than anything else. This is my second year going, and I think it's going to be a MUST from now on. This year was a bit different for me, however, because while I went with a completely blank slate last year, this year, several of my friends were going on top of the people who I met at last year's conference. So I wanted and needed to manage both being outgoing and meeting new people with making space to enjoy friendships with girls that I may only see once or twice a year. On top of that, I was also leading a workshop on coming out, and wanted to make sure that I did a good job at that too. 

With all of that being said, this year was honestly heavier than last year. There were tears flowing, deep conversations happening, and lots and lots of emotions on display, and let me tell you this...

...It Was Awesome! 

I don't feel like this is the place to share much about the conversations that happened because so many of them were so personal, but I will say that several people I know of walked away with some serious food for thought and encouragement to live their best lives, including me. It was incredibly deep and powerful, and I'm thankful for every second of it. 

But don't get me wrong... there was lots of fun stuff too! 

On Thursday, my gal pal and sister Natalie arrived, and we instantly started tearing it up. The conference was hosting a dance party that we went to, and I tore it up on the runway.

 

I'm too sexy for the runway!

 

I also have video of us singing "In The Navy" together, which was so funny! 

 

On Friday, my lifestyle coach Julie arrived, and all three of us started making trouble. 

 

We called ourselves the "Key-Stoners." I'll let you interpret that yourself.

 

Making trouble! 

But before we could make too much trouble, I had a workshop to lead. I was honestly nervous because I didn't know what to expect in terms of turnout and crowd involvement... then Crystal shows up... then Natalie... then Julie and Savannah... then Kara... then Olive... and the room completely filled up! Still, now that I had this many captivated people in the room, I was nervous for another reason... I hoped I had prepped well enough and was ready to lead the workshop... and it showed. The first few minutes, I was nervous, timid, and almost apologetic. But once I got that plane off the ground, it flew beautifully, and the workshop went without a hitch! 

 

I look like I do this for a living... oh wait, I do!

By the time the workshop was over, I was ready to party! Which I did. I threw on my favorite little red dress, grabbed a long island iced tea, and tore it up on the Karaoke stage. 

Julie and I... No, not that Julie, this Julie! She's the awesome lady that coordinates Paint the Town every year. I'm so glad I got to see her at Keystone! 

This year, I promised not to scream on the Karaoke stage (long story...), and I didn't. What I did do was sing "Backstreet's Back, Alright!" to a very captive crowd. And Julie (not the Paint the Town Julie, the Key-Stoner Julie!) got up and started dancing with me. Natalie took a good video of it, which I'll share here: 

 

Everybody!!! Alicia's Back Alright!!! 

 

Natalie went up next and closed the night off by singing "My Own Worst Enemy" by Lit, and that was all she wrote for the night... well, okay, we all stayed up and kept drinking and partying. Then, at about 1am, a bunch of people who went to a nearby gay bar came back and we all hung out in front of the hotel for a while. More hugs, laughter, smiles, and memories were had. I honestly didn't want the night to end, but we were all so tired...

 

Then came Day 4... the heaviest day of the conference. But still awesome! 

 

Waking up on Saturday, I was still charged with energy from the night before and ready for more. But the heaviness of it being the last day started to sink in... after this day, it'd be time to pack up and go home and back to reality. But I still had fun planned for the day. I got up at about 10am, didn't bother doing my makeup or hair because it was going to be done by an expert, threw on my dress and headed down to the last couples session of the conference. I had to sneak out a few minutes early to make it to my makeup appointment, but made it in time. Casey, my makeup artist, was a former meteorologist, so we had lots to talk about (woot-woot!). Afterwards, I was able to slip into the dining hall for lunch, and Natalie had saved me a seat. We then went to the vendor area, ran into my wife Jamie, and then headed off to a session on gender affirming surgeries, since that's something we are both looking into. The session informative. 

 

Then, it was time for the last session of the conference... our friend Savannah's! Her and Julie (Key-Stoner Julie, not Paint The Town Julie!) co-host The Fox and the Phoenix podcast, a wonderful weekly podcast geared mostly towards the MTF crossdresser community, but also does a lot to lift up the transgender and gender-expansive communities as well. The room they put Savannah in was WAY TOO SMALL, and by the time she started, it was standing room only. One thing I loved about how Savannah carried herself was how lighthearted she was anytime someone came in late... she didn't let it affect her, and had so much fun with the crowd. She's an excellent communicator and teacher, and beautiful to boot! 

 

Quiet everyone! Professor Savannah is talking!

 

Afterwards, us Key-Stoners took a fun selfie together, hung out with others who attended the workshop, and then went outside for some fresh air and a heart-to-heart (told you this day was pretty heavy). 

 

Key-Stoners do it again! This time with Kim and Kara! 

Then for the grand finale... the Gala! My friend Natalie told me that she picked out a dress that was very out of character for her, but beautiful, I was going to wear an outfit that Julie helped put together for me, and Jamie was going to break in a new dress herself. We all looked fabulous! As did everyone else in the gala. 

Isn't Jamie Lovely... Oh, and I kinda look nice too!

My Gender Identity Coach Jenn, her partner Karla, and me!

Kim (who goes by Kimchi) and me. 

Natalie's rocking that blue!

Olive and I. Love this girl! 

The Fox, The Phoenix, and The Alicia, Version 2.0. 

After the gala, there was drinking and dancing for several hours... and after that, with the exception of my tuckered out wife Jamie, all of us went downstairs to the hotel lobby/bar for what I'd consider to be the most special moment of the entire conference. While there were a ton of people I was looking forward to being in community with during this conference, there was a shorter list of people whom I was super eager to sit down with, break bread with, and converse with in depth... Natalie, Julie, Kim, Olive, Jenn, Karla, and a few others, and without exception, all of us were down in that lobby hanging out and fellowshipping. It felt like a dream come true. 

Oh, and one of those happened too (a dream coming true)... you see, in the weeks leading up to Keystone, I started having different, weird dreams about stuff (like being drafted into the Navy, haha), but I also had a few pretty powerful dreams. In one of those dreams, one of the girls I listed above wanted to have a heart-to-heart conversation with me about my confidence, my tendency to over-apologize, and the sometimes low view of myself that I have. Well, on Saturday night, that happened... I was thanking a friend for coming to my workshop, and she told me that the first five'ish minutes of my talk were honestly "meh" because I seemed very timid and almost apologetic while still getting a feel for the crowd... but once I got going, it was an awesome workshop. She encouraged me to be confident from the very first second, regardless of crowd. This led to a conversation that I honestly needed, and even a few tears from me. The person who talked to me is someone I think really highly of, and also someone whom I haven't always been the best towards in the past, so to hear her say what she said to me meant more than I can describe. I feel really thankful for that conversation, and that moment, and I also feel that it's pretty cool that something I'd literally dreamt about (same person, same topic, etc) actually came true. 

After that, all of us hung out in the lobby until everything started shutting down... once the lights were turned off, it was clear they wanted us to go to bed, and thus Keystone was over. 

The next morning, Natalie stopped by my room for a goodbye hug, I bumped into Julie down in the hotel lobby, gave Mother Grace (this amazing transgender priest) a big hug, and checked out, ready to fly home with a full heart and lots of memories. 

This was the second year I've done Keystone, and hopefully there will be many more years to come! I think it will be an excellent networking, professional development, and fun party experience for many years in the future, and I hope to continue participating in it. I mentioned in my previous blog that the idea of going to Keystone in the first place was something that was birthed out of an incident that, while unfortunate, I'm really glad happened. I think about all of the amazing people I've met, and friendships I've forged and strengthened because of that incident. I'm thankful that I'm continuing to build on that momentum and making space for more friends and relationships. I see Keystone being a continuous source for that growth in the future. I've gone to another conference before in Atlanta (The Atlanta Comfort Conference), and while it was lovely, I'd say Keystone is more bang for your buck, so if choosing between the two, it's Keystone all the way. 

I do have so many things to look forward to... in a few weeks, I'm taking a birthday trip to Minneapolis to see my friend/favorite blogger Hannah McKnight and then I turn 41. I'm then ending the school year with a girl's weekend trip that is quickly turning into a trip to Provincetown, a very LGBTQ+ friendly city, and who knows what other trouble I may or may not get into, haha! 

All of that to say that I'm so thankful for my experience at Keystone this year! If you went and were a part of my weekend, thank you so much! If I missed you this year, I hope to see you next year. 

Hugs!

-Alicia 

 

I'm glad it happened...

 

Julie Rubenstein, Savannah Hauk and Myself at Keystone 2025

Have you ever heard the phrase "It will be the best thing that has ever happened to you" when something bad happens, or "Every cloud has a silver lining?" Yes, those are corny sayings we say to people when tough shit is happening, but today, I was able to admit something that I've wanted to admit for a very long time...

I'm glad some bad shit happened to me. 

Let me go back to September 2024, and something I've alluded to here and here: In September of 2024, I "signed up" for a Girl's Weekend getaway that I was really excited about, hoping to meet some amazing people and get some much needed girl time (even though I'm full time as a trans woman, I didn't really have the kind of sisterhood that many girls had, and I was hoping that this would be a starting point for me). After signing up for the weekend, I bought a plane ticket to the city it was happening in, thinking that "signing up" meant "I get to go" only to find out that not everyone who signs up actually gets selected to go... 

Long story... and I really don't want to get into it anymore. Suffice it to say, there was a misunderstanding, combined with some miscommunication between the organizer and myself. 

I took it VERY poorly when I wasn't selected to go... 

I treated the organizer like shit. 

I treated her friends like shit. I treated people I consider my friends like shit. 

I treated those who went on the weekend like shit... even though some tried to talk me off a ledge when everything went down. 

I lost two of my earliest followers because of that incident, and I genuinely believe I damaged several friendships, some irreparably, because of it. 

During the weekend itself, I watched pictures flood in from the girls having the time of their lives, wishing I could have been there, and also thinking this...

I tried to do what I can to get my mind off of the Atlanta trip that wasn't. But I spiraled. Several people, including three people attending the weekend, tried to talk me off a ledge, getting me to calm down (even though I was drunk off my ass after a night of crying... yeah, I'm being vulnerable here), and getting me through the weekend (seriously Millicent, Penny, Scarlett, Natalie, Lauren, Jenna, Bernadette, Jamie... I'll never forget you all for being there for me that weekend!). Only two days later, we all watched the National Tragedy that was Donald Trump being reelected Fuhrer of Amerika. But for that moment, I saw my tribe come in for me. 

The organizer and I had some very choice words for each other... then I blocked her... then she blocked me... then we reconciled... then she eventually unblocked me and I eventually refollowed her. That's about where that ended. I actually met her in person in June of 2025... we shared a warm hug and even took a selfie together. I won't post that here because I don't want to call her out directly, but just know that I love you "M." I actually called that weekend Second Chance Weekend, and even wrote a blog about it here. 

I've apologized to everyone for my horrible behavior during that season... all but one have forgiven me. That one was one of my earliest followers, and she went on to restrict me, and eventually unfollowed me. The deterioration of our relationship, combined with falling out with the organizer and how I treated others involved like shit are the only residual regrets I have about what happened. Otherwise, I'm finally ready to say...

I'm fucking glad it happened! 

I'm glad I was rejected from that Girl's Weekend.

I'm glad I took it so poorly.

I'm glad that less than a month after it happened, I ended up on a 72-hour hold.

I'm glad that I spent about a month almost crying nonstop over the whole incident and the damage my behavior caused... 

Because it forced me to think about WHY I took it so poorly. At the end of the day, the reason why was that I didn't have sisterhood, and it desperately needed it. To see these girls, many of whom I know, having such close sisterhood and friendship, and feeling left out of it because I made a mistake (though that's speculation... in hindsight, I wasn't going to get picked no matter what) left me feeling so desolate... so lonely... so... unwanted. 

I tried to consulate my loss with a trip to Minneapolis I affectionately called "My Girls Weekend" where I visited my favorite blogger Hannah, met a new girl named Lexi, and while sitting at the bar at my hotel, had the back and forth with "M" that led to our reconciliation. It was an amazing weekend... but I still left wanting more. 

The photoshoot during "My Girl's Weekend" with Hannah, Shannonlee, and two other girls. 

 

I needed more... and here's what it led to...

In December of 2024, I took a fairly impromptu trip to Albany (after a conference in DC) to visit my friend Natalie... she's become one of my best friends. 

Two sisters enjoying a somewhat dazed and confused dinner, haha!

 

Later that month, while on a drive to San Diego, I decided to read an audiobook from someone I'd been meaning to engage with named Jennifer Marie... by the first rest stop, I contacted her... by the second, we were talking... by the third, I found out that she knew most of the people I know (including Natalie) and had even gone on a few of those girls weekends... by the end of the drive, we'd become friends, and I'd joined her Sisterhood (go to jennspire.com to find out more about this amazing woman and the Sisterhood!). That woman, and that Sisterhood, has changed my life.

Jennifer Marie and I in 2025. 

In January of 2025, Jamie wanted to go to Chicago for a Puppet Festival, and being the good husband (I still call myself her husband), I tagged along. But since I knew some people in Chicago, I went out and met some girls I knew through social media while Jamie was enjoying Puppet Theater (a hobby of hers)...

Myka and I

Julie S and I

Then there was Paint the Town 2025

I got my Girl's Weekend after all! 

 

Then Keystone, where something incredible happened (more on that in a moment)...

Me, Jamie, and two of my Jennspire Sisters, Jenn and Kip! 

Then everything came full circle and, thanks to Natalie and Ana, I got an opportunity to meet many of the girls involved in that girl's weekend... had some amazing memories, and got some much needed healing. I call that "Second Chance Weekend"

A photo I thought would never happen... a dream came true!

Seriously, I have nothing but adoration for EVERYONE involved. That was a turning point for me. 

Since then, I've also seen Natalie and Ana, two of my best friends in person

Natalie and I debriefing after Second Chance Weekend... there was Cider!!!

Ana and I in Vegas... there was Steak!!! 

And then this happened...

At Keystone last year, there was a scary moment where someone literally died for a moment (they were revived! Thank God!), but during the panic and heaviness of that moment, many of the attendees were out in the lobby, obviously shaken and spooked, but also knowing that everything was being handled. During that time, people were talking with one another, praying for the attendee who had the emergency, and just respectfully lifting one another up. Once we got the word that the attendee had been revived, the mood lightened up a bit, and we all began to mingle and chat and just socialize... and it was during that moment that I was introduced to someone who changed my life... and whose life I changed too... my friend Julie Rubenstein, co-host of The Fox and The Phoenix Podcast, owner of Fox and Hanger, and someone who has gone on to become an amazing friend, ally, and sister to me. 

Julie!!! Julie Julie Julie!!!

 

This past week... late February of 2026... she recounted our meeting each other on the podcast and said words about me that I'm still digesting and blubbering over! You can listen to the episode here.

For those of you unwilling to listen to an amazing 45 minute podcast episode, I'll summarize that Julie talked about how much wealth meeting me has brought to her life, and how warm, lovely, and sunny a person I am to her. Savannah, her co-host also lifted up how eager I was to meet new people and put myself out there. The whole thing felt like a wrapping of affirmation that was so special to me.

Ho-ly shit! So let me blitz through this...

Because of the Girl's Weekend Incident, I have: 

Gone on several meaningful trips

Met MANY amazing people in person, including most of the girls I wanted to meet on that weekend

Made incredible memories, built amazing friendships

Resumed coaching, therapy, learned a ton about myself and honestly learned and grown a lot

AND, as was said in that podcast episode, I've also touched the lives of others, providing wealth, love, and brightness to other people. 

So, at the end of the day, the Incident led to so much beauty. 

So let me say this... I'll never be sorry enough for how I treated others during that season. I'm so ashamed of how childish I was during their girl's weekend and how I harassed several people about it. I regret that two of my earliest followers in my journey into becoming Alicia are no longer followers of mine because of what happened. 

But I'm glad it happened, because if it hadn't, I wouldn't have put myself out there like I have. I likely wouldn't have gone to Paint the Town or Keystone. I likely would have used that weekend in Chicago to just go to breweries (I still did that!). I wouldn't have met the amazing people I've met. I wouldn't have changed Julie's life like I have... and my life wouldn't have changed the way it has! 

So "M," I'll always be sorry about how I behaved, and I'll always be a little hurt about how things went down between you and I. But I'm glad it happened, because so much beauty came from it. I'm a better person because of it. 

Hugs!

-Alicia  

An Update

Honestly, not a whole lot to say other than I have several blogs in draft mode that I just need to get off my lazy ass and finish. It's been a crazy past six months so I have lots to talk about, but I just need to sit down and write it all up. Maybe I'll do that over Winter Break. Maybe I won't. Either way, it's been a hell of a year. 

I'll write more later. 

P.S. Does anyone actually read these? 

Hugs!

Alicia  

The Second Chance Weekend

 

 

This past weekend, I was given a unique and special opportunity to participate in an event that blew away even my wildest expectations, was a true blast, and was also very healing. It was a Second Chance Prom that, with some additions, turned into a full blown girls' weekend, attended by some amazing people I've always wanted to meet, and some I was simply eager to get a hug from. 

I've written in the past few blogs about what I've called "The Next Phase in my Transition," and I've alluded to (if not full blown blurted out) about some drama that sorta kicked off the whole thing. Something I'm not sure I've shared before was that, other than how I treated others in my reaction to that incident, I'm so glad it happened, because the growth that has come from it has been astonishing. Welp, there were a couple of people who were involved in that incident (i.e. a couple of people I treated very poorly) attending this weekend, and so I'd finally get the opportunity to do something I've really wanted to do: give them each a big hug and take steps towards healing from what happened. Spoiler alert: I got to do just that... each one of them got a huge warm hug from me, and I could feel the warmth they were sharing back in their hug. It was a truly special moment, and something I really needed (for myself) in order to move on. 

So here's how this all went down... About two months ago, I was putting together a plan to visit my gal pal Natalie, who has become like a sister and best friend to me. We'd settled on a date and location when she alerted me that the same weekend was when our mutual friend Meghan was holding her annual second chance prom with TriPride Tennessee (yes, in a deep red part of a deep red state). She told me that she wanted to go, and wanted me to come with her. Natalie was fully aware of the drama that happened in the past fall, how heavy it was on me, and how eager I was to heal from it, so I don't think she was surprised when I asked "is that a good idea (for me to attend this weekend)?" She thought so, and encouraged me to think about it. I decided to run the idea by a few people, all of whom knew something had happened to varying degrees (not in an "airing my dirty laundry" kind of way, but everyone knew that I had done something in the past that I deeply regretted, and that this event would be attended by the people I mistreated, though I made sure to leave names out of it), and it was unanimous: I should go! 

After a few messages, and confirmations, I was all set. My friend Olive was arranging an AirBnB for people who were coming out of town, I decided to fly into my friend Natalie's town to rent a car, and our mutual friends Ana and Melody would join us on a road trip from New York to Tennessee. And so it was...

I flew out to Upstate New York last Thursday, was greeted by Natalie at the airport, and we loaded into a car and drove to Connecticut to pick up Ana and Melody. That night, we had awesome Hibachi at a place Ana and her wife Liz frequent, and then checked into a hotel to get *some* sleep (turns out we were so excited that we only got like two hours of sleep). We woke up at 5am the next morning and hit the road! 

 

The next part of this story comes from a series of Instagram posts I made about the weekend: 

The drive, and community in that car was just as exciting as the prom was going to be. We shared 11 hours of laughter, stories, an epic game of “Kiss-Marry-Kill,” (but replace "Kiss" with the F-word) and made a few stops along the way. 

 

 

When we arrived at our AirBnB, we were warmly greeted by our friends Kimchi, Olive, and her wife (who goes by “Daddy”). I follow all three of them on social media, and it was so nice to finally meet them in person, and I can say they are even more awesome in-person as they are online, and that’s saying something. We then got changed, touched up makeup, and went out to dinner with a large group of IG friends.

Once we got to the restaurant, I saw our friends Millicent and Scarlett, waiting for us along with their wives. In fact, including Olive and her wife, there were three married couples at the dinner… I was already missing Jamie (she had a concert to go to in NorCal, so she stayed back), and I so wished she was by my side too… but don’t worry, I talked all about her. Everyone exchanged hugs, there was lots of laughs, amazing food, and warm community. 

That night, we went back to the AirBnB, and Olive’s wife Daddy pulled out a bottle of tequila and some mixers, and we spent the next few hours just talking and enjoying some drinks… to say that this was the kind of community I’ve been so eager for would be an understatement. It was amazing. 

 

The next day, we all got up, ate some leftovers, and lounged around a bit. Then Meghan, who was helping coordinate the prom (along with other awesome events she arranges) showed up after finishing final preps for the prom. In addition to Scarlett, Meghan was one of my very first followers, and someone I have shared much of my journey with, even if just all online. It was so great to finally meet her. I’m really thankful for the encouragement, accountability, and inspiration I’ve gotten from her (and everyone else as well). When it was time to say hello, we shared a warm hug, and I’d now finally met everyone I had been so excited but also so anxious to meet. That hug we shared was both meaningful and healing… when I talk about second chances, getting to come, give her (and everyone for that matter) a big hug, and support what she’s doing was a special one to me.

We then decided to crack open the Jacuzzi that our place had, and Olive and Kim took LOTS of photos of all of us pool partying it up… seeing how much fun they were having taking photos and creating new content gave me a new perspective on content creators… I could see the joy in their faces as they were posing, finding new angles, and just getting into it. That put such a smile on my face… after they were done, they jumped in with us and we all lounged. After a little sunburn and pruned skin, we all got out, ordered a pizza (great idea Ana), got showered, and ready for the prom. I totally ate it while coming back into the house after looking at the outdoor Jacuzzi… other than a bruised ego, I was alright.

 

 

 

After we all got out of the hot tub, we showered, changed, and glammed up for the prom. I’m a sucker for formal wear anyway, but I must say our group really brought it in our outfits. Us t-girls and our cis partners sure know how to clean up! 

 

After spilling my makeup (thank you Kim and Olive for helping me clean it up), slipping into my gown (thank you Ana and Natalie for helping me get into it), we took group pictures and were ready to go!

There was such a healthy crowd of people at the prom… it brought so much joy to me to see such community in small towns in red states. There was laughter, hugs, smiles, selfies, and community everywhere. I genuinely struggle with trying to understand why such community is so controversial in our country because, frankly, there was nothing but positivity. 

 

When the time came for a group picture, we all got together, and while the lighting was awful, to be included in this group of people I’ve become friends with over the past several years meant more to me than words can describe. 

 

 

 

 

After the prom was over, some of us switched into party clothes and went to New Beginnings, an LGBTQ+ bar in the town, watched some drag, did some dancing, and took some photos. My highlight of that moment was seeing my friend Natalie get to the dance stage and just joyfully let loose. At about 1:30, we all loaded back up into the van, and joyfully drove back to the house. What a weekend!

 

 

 

Nurses Olive and Kim at your service! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conclusion: The next day, we got up early (Thanks, Ana!), loaded up and drove back to New England, exhausted, but so full of joy and thankfulness. The drive home was a bit rougher than the drive down, I think mostly because we all knew we had to get back to our normal lives. But there wasn't a single soul in that car that hadn't been positively impacted by the weekend. I'm already hoping to come to next year's prom, with or without a road trip crew (in that case, I'd just fly in to a nearby area).

The reason why I called this The Second Chance Weekend only has slightly to do with there being a Second Chance Prom. To me, this weekend represented a second chance that I was so eager for; not a single person I interacted with during this time had anything less than warmth or love towards me, and seeing as there were at least a few that I was awful to in the past, I can't put into words how much that means to me. Transitioning is a very dirty process, with periods of angst, lashing out, and just plain messiness, and sometimes that involves being less than kind to others. This past weekend, I never felt left out, looked down upon, or begrudged by anyone... everyone was sweet, inclusive, and kind to me. I felt sisterhood with all of them, had so much joy, and truly felt like I was given a second chance. To break bread with, get hugs from, have laughter with, and take selfies with each of them was beyond healing. I got on my flight home on Tuesday with a full heart, a boulder off my back, and excitement to continue in this new phase of my transition without the shadow of my awful behavior hanging over it. I really hope that, whether it's for my vow renewal, a future second chance prom, a girl's weekend, or just bumping into each other at an event like Keystone, that I cross paths with every one of these wonderful people again.

Some thank you's: This weekend was especially significant for me for a number of reasons. I crossed off like half of my "people I hope to meet someday" list, got to break bread with people who have been true friends through my social media interactions, and even got to meet some of my earliest followers from waaaaaay back when I started my Alicia social media accounts in 2020. This was also a key step in my healing journey as I got to hug and fellowship with some amazing people that I wasn't so amazing to... I've apologized ad-nauseam to all of them, but it was special to give them all hugs and show them a more joyful side of me. Finally, it was just a blast to dress up, road trip, and make new memories. This is the kind of stuff I'm seeking in this new phase of my transition. And it was a direct hit this time. However, there are a few people who made this weekend happen, and I want to thank them from the bottom of my heart (they are all amazing people, so here are their Instagram Handles if you need some inspirational t-girls, genderfluid folx, crossdressers, partners, and trans women to follow): 

• To Meghan (@meghan.girltime), thank you for always rallying the troops through events like this. While I know it's a group effort, your fingerprints are all over these events, and there's a reason why people flock from across the country to attend them. Also, holy crap, you looked amazing in your gown! I'll always be thankful for you, Meghan!
• To Olive (@olive_is_a), thank you for always being so friendly and supportive to me. You've always been that way, offering an ear, encouragement, and graciousness. Also, thankful for your overflowing joy and goofiness, which can quickly brighten up even the saddest days. Thank you for also arranging the AirBnB for this weekend, and making mountains move so we can all be in community together. 
• To "Daddy," (Olive's Wife, @llamameo_daddy), thank you for being so bubbly, positive, and insightful. Also, supportive spouses are worth many times their weight in gold, so thank you for being so supportive and loving to Olive, to all of us in the community, and to the other partners in your circle. Also, that mixed drink was something of legends. Thank you! 
• To Ana (@divasapata), thank you for being my kind of crazy, for spending hours on the phone with me convincing me that coming to this event was a good idea, and that everyone was just as eager to be in community with me as I was with them. Not to mention, but OMG your gown at the prom was stunning! Very theme-appropriate (the theme was Greek) but also very elegant. I'm excited to get to know you more as time goes on... you're an awesome friend!
• To Aunt Millicent (@aunt.millicent), thank you for being so warm to me. Last fall, when I was going through it, you offered me so much in the way of empathy, compassion, and counsel, and have only continued to do so. When we parted ways, you told me to "Never forget, you are a piece of art in progress," and that resonated with me so well... art can oftentimes be ugly, but the end result is very beautiful. I promise you that I'm keeping that to heart as I keep growing and learning. I'm going to make you proud.
• To Scarlett Love (@thecdscarlettlove), thank you for being one of my very first followers, someone who oftentimes offered me a lighthearted take on something I was struggling with, and for your friendship. You are a sweet person who makes the world a better place by being in it.
• To Kim (aka Kimchi, @kimcheezie), thank you for your goofiness (I loved the selfies you took on my phone!), positivity, your amazing pictures and photo-skills, and your graciousness. We only met this past year, and yet you've seen both my worst and my best, and have still chosen to be in community with me. I promise I'm worth it, and I hope you've seen that. 
• To Jennifer Marie (@luvjennifermarie), you have been more instrumental in my journey than you'll ever know. Through the Jennspire sisterhood, your coaching business, your workshops on Gender Equilibrium, and your background with much of the community, you've helped me realize that the season I'm in is actually an exciting and dynamic part of my transition. You helped me understand that I needed to go on this trip, even if just for myself. You've helped me see the investment I'm making in myself by going to things like Keystone, making time for community, both in person and through social media, and that finding my Gender Equilibrium (TM) involves more than just "I'm content with identifying as a transgender woman!" You also helped me do a lot of work to prepare for this trip, helping me see the elements of it that are essential to my journey, and the potential for healing that it would bring. I'm proud to be one of your clients, sisters, and friends. (Also, shameless plug, if you are interested in better understanding your gender journey, check out Jenn's work at http://www.jennspire.com )
• To Julie Rubenstein (@foxandhanger), I only met you at Keystone a few months ago, and for some reason, you quickly took a shine to me. In that time, you've put together a lookbook with cute outfits (like the one below!) that I could wear to work, on adventures, and so on. But you've also provided a new perspective as an ally of the transgender community, and someone who I've been vulnerable with. In addition to Jenn, you helped me see how important this trip was in my ability to continue to grow and better myself as a trans woman, to heal, and to do better for my fellow dolls and gal pals.

 

• To Natalie (@natalie_on_a_journey), when we met up on Monday to hang out after the weekend, I asked you if you realized that I consider you one of my best friends... and I really meant that. I've watched you explore your gender identity over the past few years, find your community, and warmly welcome me into it. You're the person I've shared some of my biggest struggles and greatest triumphs with through this journey, and you're the one who has given me the privilege of watching you slowly become your true self, asking the questions you needed to ask, and finding a home as Natalie. I can't put into words what your friendship means to me. Thank you also for floating the idea of joining you at this weekend, for encouraging me and assuring me that I'd be welcomed and loved by everyone, and for being by my side during it. Every girl deserves sisters, and I'm glad you're one of mine! 
• To my wife Jamie (@periwink82), holy crap, I could write a whole blog just on how amazing you are!!! You deserve the world from me, and I'm going to try to give you as much of it as I can. You didn't bat an eye when I asked you if I could go on this weekend, and you were always there for a quick chat when I needed it. You've stood by me as I've changed, and have found love with Alicia the same way you did with Terrence. Your patience and graciousness towards me as I've transitioned is the stuff of legends, and I wish I could bottle it up and sell it to every trans person on the planet (It'd make us very rich, haha!)... the world is a better place because you are in it, and I've seen that firsthand. I'm a better person because of you, and I hope I've been able to bless you a fraction of how you have blessed me. I love you Jamie, to the edge of the universe and back! <3 <3 <3

This list isn't exhaustive, but these are the people I either confided in, got encouragement from, or welcomed me with open arms this past weekend. It was easily a highlight of 2025 (and considering how many amazing things I've done so far this year, that's saying something... it's saying even more considering how crappy our world is right now with Agent Orange in charge, and how desperately needed weekends like this are!). As I said above, I hope to see every one of these ladies in person again, regardless of the venue. 

I've got one or two more Instagram posts to share about this weekend, but for the most part, I've spilled my heart out on this blog, and hope someone finds it helpful/inspirational/encouraging. Just know that, regardless of who you are, you deserve love, community, friendship, sisterhood (or brotherhood). You also deserve grace, forgiveness, and understanding. If you've messed up many times like I have, don't think that means everything is over... sometimes it might be with certain people, but we all deserve opportunities for healing and new growth. 

We all deserve a second chance. I'm thankful I got mine! 

Hugs!

-Alicia