Part of writing this blog and making it public is realizing that it will fall into the wrong hands... the hands of haters.
Let me be clear by who I'm defining as a hater first off... If you are an old "pre-transition" friend (like my old friends Adam, Aaron, and Justin), a disapproving member of my family (Looking at you, Chuck), or a member of my old churches (I miss you Chris and Lindsey, Justin and Taylor [different Justin than the one I previously mentioned... my old pastor], Jeff and Lauren, Mike, Joe and Cindy, Karla, and so many more), you don't fall under the category of "Hater." While we may, in some cases vehemently, disagree about a lot of things that relate to my acceptance of my transgender identity, I know that none of you genuinely mean harm to me, and I deeply, deeply miss you. But I also realized that there was no productive way to continue a relationship that didn't lead to deep trauma on both sides, hurtful words said, and ultimately the severance of the relationships, but on much worse terms. There are a few of you that I've still attempted (to some degree of success and some degree of failure) to maintain contact with, but from a very "acquaintance" distance, and others that I genuinely hope will come around to be okay with who I am... but I also have realized that I need to stick to my guns and stand up for who I am, and that includes rejecting unfair and hurtful comparisons (like comparing my 20+ year struggle with my gender to a man's struggle with pornography... they are NOT the same). Nevertheless, even though I know there is a lot of hurt and disappointment, you aren't "haters..." I love each of you and deeply miss you.
Okay, with that bundle of emotions out of the way, let me talk about who I'm really addressing here... The people who take joy in finding the profile of a transgender person, sharing it with their friends, laughing and making fun of the trans person, and then figuring out their contact information and flooding them with harassment, calls to "join the 41% [of transgender people who attempt suicide]," death threats, and doxing. I'm talking about the people who frequent Libs of Tik Tok, KiwiFarms, or Facebook Hate Groups like "Your Colon is not a Fallopian Tube" (yes... there is a hate group like that... and Zuck refuses to do anything about it). I'm talking to the people who hang on the words of Matt Walsh, Ben Shapiro, or any manchild who cries like a little bitch because a movie about a Barbie doll challenges their masculinity. People who think Ron DeSantis' anti-transgender policies would be good federal policies, and think that Transgender people shouldn't be allowed to serve our country. I'm talking to those who laugh at people like me and want to see me "eradicated" from society. I want to say something to you...
I'm sorry... No, I'm sorry for having the nerve to throw on a dress and makeup despite my Y chromosome or what may/may not be concealed in my cute pair of Torrid panties. I'm not sorry for realizing that Terrence, while a great guy, wasn't who I was meant to be (or at least not anymore... I personally feel that my 35'ish years as Terrence were very valuable and not in vain). I'm not sorry that I proudly fly the blue-pink-and white colors and scream that I am a PROUD transgender woman from the top of my lungs. I'm not sorry for existing.
Here's what I am sorry for... I am sorry that your life is so pathetic that you have to find meaning in trolling and harassing people who actually found peace with who they are. I'm sorry that things have been so rough for you that the only remedy for your pain is to inflict pain on others. I'm so sorry that you have so little to do in your life that you have the time and energy to trash on me and my transgender friends. I'm sorry that you are so darkly unremarkable (Thank you OneTopic from YouTube for that terminology) that you have to resort to digging through the annals of the internet to find information about a trans person so you can share it with your neckbeard friends to harass someone. I'm sorry that your soul is so full of darkness that you think telling someone to kill themself, in any way shape or form, makes the world better. For those of you who have families, employers, or any semblance of a normal functioning life in society, I'm so sorry that those things have apparently failed you so deeply that you have to resort to harming marginalized people for personal gain. I can't imagine what would happen if the tables were turned and you were doxed, outed to your loved ones, your employer, your friends, your children for the horrible, dark, soulless shit you send to people like me. Imagine your children knowing that the person raising them is a bully worse than anyone they will confront in the playground. Imagine your employer knowing that the person they have representing their company (and I bet in some pretty influential spaces) thinks that transgender people deserve to die... imagine if your employer's clients knew that. Imagine if you were dealt everything that you love to dish out. Truth be told, even if there was a soulless, heartless person like you in a position of power, they would realize that the court of public opinion is so unforgiving to people like you that they'd keep their mouths shut because they have too much to lose over what is simply a "hobby" (because no one in that position would have the time to troll transgender people... or any marginalized people... to the degree many of you have trolled me).
So at the end of the day, you are only able to do what you do because you have no life, no job, no family, and no real worth to society. You have nothing of meaning to you (or if you do, it means nothing to you so you act like you do), and so you seek to drag people like me... someone who has an amazing wife, a good job, great friends and colleagues, and loving family... down so I can be miserable like you. And for that, I'm so, deeply heartbroken for you.
I also want to warn you... regardless of what is happening in a handful of backwards states, at least in the United States, the long-term tide is not in your favor. For every state that proposes some kind of anti-transgender legislation (which then gets overruled in the courts), another state passes protections. Hell, even your idols don't actually give a shit. Do you really think someone like Ron DeSantis actually cares about us? We're just a shiny thing for him to display to his base (idiots like you!) to get them to give him their mindless vote. As soon as his transphobia faces any real resistance, he'll yip away like a little puppy dog... just like he did with Disney! Same goes for Matt Walsh and Ben Shapiro... your idols. The moment they have to face any actual accountability for their words, they'll walk them back and beg for forgiveness. Hell, that little wimp Michael Knowles, as soon as he was called out on wanting to "Eradicate Transgenderism," he whimpered back and said "that's not what I meant." The truth is that, when faced with any actual accountability, your idols will part from you, leaving you and your dark hatred behind to be dealt with by society. And I pray that you realize that it isn't worth it... until then, I'm just sorry for you.
Am I scared? Sure! While the tide is in our favor long-term, we're not there yet. There will be more senseless killings of LGBTQ+ people, and more ridicule coming my way personally. I'm sure I'll get lots of hate comments and trolls reminding me that I'm "Still a guy," and will "Never be a woman." I'm sure some TERFs will come on here and spout their bullshit about how I'm dangerous to them and that I shouldn't be allowed in their space (as if I'd actually want to be in a space with a TERF). I'm sure I'm still in actual danger because I'm living my life unapologetically... there's a reason why I carry pepper spray AND a taser in my purse. But I choose to do that rather than go into hiding because you don't deserve that... you deserve nothing. You deserve to live the rest of your life in your mom's basement with your pile of crumpled redbull cans, a growing waistline, and a receding hairline. Someday, you'll deserve prison time for what you have done to our community. The first amendment isn't meant to protect hate speech like yours, and someday there will be a crackdown on harassing and doxing. Will I be here to see it? Maybe... maybe not. But it WILL happen. And if you do live long enough to see it, your experience up to that point will be pathetic because this is what you find meaning in.
So I am sorry for you... I pity you... I hope someday you'll come around. But until then... I think this picture of my late 30's short haired not-too-deep into my transition self will suffice:
Hugs,
Alicia
