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| Me and 15 of my new best friends at Paint the Town, 2025. Photo Credit: Chris Nightengale Wow! It's been about six months since I wrote my last blog (at least the last one that I had the nerve to publish). I'd be lying, however, if I said that it's been a period too boring to share; on the contrary, the past six months have been crazy! There's all the global stuff like the instillation of a fascist leader in America who is actively trying to take away my (and my community's) rights. But there's also been a ton of personal stuff... some very difficult, while others very joyous. To say that it's been an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement, and a bad one at that. EVERYTHING has shifted in the past six months, including where I find community, who considers me a friend, what my needs are as a person, and what my goals are in my transition. If you asked me three months ago, I would voiced regret over something really stupid I did back in September, but now I've realized that this paradigm shift I'm experiencing was going to happen no matter what... it just needed a catalyst. That catalyst came last September in the form of an interpersonal conflict that, mostly due to my own sensitivity and insecurity, spiraled out of control. I won't go into details, other than to say there was a misunderstanding regarding a retreat for fellow CD's/Transwomen, poor communication regarding the misunderstanding, and I ended up taking the whole thing way too personally. Damage has been caused by that incident, and, to this day, I've had a hard time handling what happened. I think that is the first big issue that surfaced... I took the whole incident very hard, but WHY did I? What was it about this incident that bothered me so much? I know enough now (from therapy sessions, talking with people who coordinate similar events, and just one-on-ones with friends and family) that I wasn't in the wrong for feeling hurt, and even taking the situation as personally as I did, but why did it tear me down so much? Why was it such a big deal? Why did I act out so much? And is there a root cause of this hurt? The answer to that question has taken me several months to find. And in that time, I went to Minneapolis to visit my friend Hannah, Albany to visit my friend Natalie, Chicago (I was just there in case my wife needed anything, but I met up with several trans friends too, such as Julie and Myka), Chicago again (this time, for Paint the Town, which was coordinated by the same Julie I got to visit in the previous month), and the Keystone Gender Conference in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. All of these gatherings, get togethers, and girl's weekends offered up a piece of the puzzle, and it all finally came together this past weekend while I was attending my friend/sister/gender identity coach Jennifer Marie's workshop on finding your Gender Equilibrium (TM... it's her term!). Her stuff is amazing, and her story is really impactful. However, for the longest time, I thought of "Gender Equilibrium" as a term referring solely to gender identity and gender expression. At this point, I feel I have those mostly nailed down. I have never felt as confident or comfortable with my identity as a transgender woman (and trans women are women!) as I do now! Not a day goes by where I feel less at peace with my transition than I did the day before. It's seriously been one of the biggest blessings I could have ever asked for. But as Jenn was going through her presentation, and as the discussion was happening, a couple of really good points were brought up: First, Gender Equilibrium is a moving target. But more importantly for me, Finding Gender Equilibrium requires far more than just peace with your gender identity or gender expression. Namely, social needs, habits, and even personality change significantly, and honestly, I didn't realize how much I ignored that component of my transition until this ordeal happened... ...The truth is that Terrence, who was happy being a part of the crowd with few, if any deep relationships (besides my marriage), and was also happy being a lone rider at times, isn't the same as Alicia, who values deeper interpersonal relationships, sisterhood, intentional time to "girl out," and wants to get to know as many other CD's/Trans-girls as possible. And I think it makes a lot of sense... Like it or not, men and women socialize with each other very differently, and Terrence socialized with others very differently than Alicia does. I don't want to get into the specifics, but it's clear that my social needs, and my social strengths and my weaknesses have changed a lot. And the first point brought up from Jenn's workshop actually fits here too: When I first began exploring who Alicia was, I kept my findings pretty close to my vest (or, you can say "I put them in my bra," haha). Once I realized that I was going to transition, I was mostly inward focused on the first few years... yes, I had a great community on social media (especially Instagram, which is why I'd say it's my primary platform these days), and I had friends and relationships I poured into... but the truth was that I was more focused on coming out, figuring out how transitioning was going to look like, making a plan, and re-integrating myself into the world as Alicia. I was less worried about community and more worried about getting my name legally changed, figuring my hair out, getting a sense of style, and embracing my identity as Alicia. Still, I had some experiences connecting with fellow trans folx... I got to meet my favorite blogger in 2022, a week later, I got to meet a social media gal pal who lives in Canada. I got involved in Silicon Valley Pride, and had some really cool experiences. This worked until, I'd say, late 2023... In November of 2023, I flew pretty (an expression for flying en femme) for the first time to visit my blogger friend Hannah for the 10 year anniversary of her social club, the MN T-Girls. While there, I had such a warm, uplifting experience, and left with a full heart. It felt like something I've always wanted to experience... gender affirming in a way... it felt like a community of sisters! I knew that this wouldn't necessarily be MY community (because they were in Minnesota and I'm from California... I was mostly visiting to celebrate my friend Hannah and what she has done!), but it was still very special. So this brings me to a huge distinction between the social habits of women vs. men... I want to say that I am making generalizations here, so if this doesn't perfectly fit you, please don't be offended... it's very YMMV: Ladies like to hang out together... in groups usually. In high school, you would see lots of different "cliques" of girls that would do everything together... go to the mall together, go to Prom together, and do life together. I even saw it quite a bit in college. Men tend to be a lot more individualistic (simply not as much hanging out, unless it's to see the game or something). Did I hang out with my bros when I was still Terrence... yes, but it really wasn't the same. I'm not sure how much more I can explain it, but the nature of community is very different as a woman than it was as a man. And now that I'm sort of at cruising altitude when it comes to my medical and social transition (I've accomplished most of the stuff I wanted to in those areas... there are still some goals in the future, but nothing major that's going to happen in the next year or two), I'm beginning to think about the other elements of my transition, and the unfortunate ordeal from last fall has really made me realize that my next big priority is finding sisterhood... Thankfully, I've been very successful so far.  But I've also had challenges. A quote that I picked up from Dylan Mulvaney's new book that's been helping me is "The more you try to force something, the less likely it will happen." In December and January, I aggressively pursued friendship with a few different people, and it wasn't always welcomed. In fact, one person was so annoyed that they left me a scathing message... they were right, but, ouch! A second person voiced feeling uncomfortable with how strong I was coming on after I reached out to ask... I felt terrible... I still do. But it was helpful feedback, and gives more credence to the idea that this is a transition for me... there's going to be trial and error. If one of the two people I pushed away with my overly enthusiastic reads this, I hope you know that I'm really sorry I did that... not an excuse, but I overcorrected from another extreme, and I promise I never meant any harm or any creepiness. All that being said, I feel like where I'm headed now is both making up for lost time by getting as involved in more events such as Paint the Town and Keystone, while building closer one-on-one friendships with people like Natalie. I'm really excited to make more fun memories with everyone I'm privileged to meet, have more deep conversations and sisterhood with gal pals. While I regret the people whose feathers I've ruffled in all of this, I'm really glad it all happened... I've grown so much, found so much community, and have gotten to know myself and my needs better too. I see myself becoming a better person because of all of this... a better friend... a better contributor... ...a better Trans woman! Hugs! -Alicia |
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