Coming out at Work...

 

The morning a dream I'd had for years came true...

I can't believe it's been two years since my wife took the picture above of me, as I was getting ready to... get some starbucks before coming back to log on to my zoom class, like I had done for the past two years, but only in a very... different... way....

Yeah, that picture was from the day I had dreamed of for years... from the first time I set foot into a classroom in slacks, a button up and a pair of dress shoes, I had hoped for a day when I could swap that out for a cute dress, shoes (likely boots), and jewelry. It was the day that I finally got to enter a classroom (even though virtual at the time) as my true self! 

So looking at this picture, and having just passed the two year anniversary of this amazing moment, I wanted to share a little bit about my experience of coming out at work, and starting to teach as my true self. I should note that, while much of what I'm going to share is has been super rosy, there have been some bumps that I'll share about in future blogs... nevertheless, those bumps were all procedural and systematic rather than any kind of actual resistance I experienced from anyone. I have been blown away by the response I got from my colleagues and students as I have brought my true self into my place of work. In fact, before I continue, I should preface this whole thing with saying that I believe my experience is an exception rather than the rule; I have heard of so many people who had a hard time transitioning at work, were outright rejected, or even lost their jobs because they came out... I am privileged to be a state employee in the most progressive state in the nation... while the high cost of living and the sometimes "head in our asses" (shadows on playgrounds due to new housing being a concern... really San Francisco!?!?) approach to things can be a turnoff, I wouldn't give up my life in California for anything. And because of where I live and who I work with, I had a pretty immense privilege; while many people complete their social transition by transitioning at work, work was actually the FIRST place I had the privilege of bringing my true self into... because even when I wasn't fully ready to be Alicia full time, they encouraged me and lifted me up, and in many meetings, I was implored that not only was Alicia going to be welcomed into these spaces, but that she was NEEDED in these spaces. To have a colleague tell me straight up, "We NEED Alicia in this space!" was game changing, and something I'll never forget about my experience transitioning. It's funny to think, I remember going into that meeting expecting it to be a difficult one (I'd been recruited into a project at work that, honestly, I didn't feel like a good fit in, and I thought this would be the "shape up or ship out" meeting), and instead, I walked out of that meeting in joyful tears about the fact that Alicia was of value to the project, and that if anything, this project was my way of integrating Alicia into my job. In case you're wondering, that was a HUGE game changer, and pretty quickly changed how I was doing on the project. When the project was finished, I was so thankful to see the mark I had placed on it, and how, specifically, Alicia, had been of value to the project. 

At the same time, I still hadn't clicked my heels into the classroom... yet. The COVID lockdowns had ended, and we were beginning to phase back in on-campus life, and I'd had the dream of walking back into a physical classroom for the first time as Alicia. I thought it was a fantasy until something else amazing happened. 

On January 6th, 2022 (no, not the same Jan 6th as the terrorist attack... yes, that's exactly what it was!), I received a message from my super-supportive Administrative Analyst at my part-time teaching gig that said "Hey Alicia... I want to update your information on our website and department poster... is it okay if I use a picture of Alicia and refer to you as Alicia on the site?" I said yes, but then she also let me know how to update my "preferred name" in the college's system. When I did it, I thought it would all be internal, but one super-quick glance and I realized that, for all intents and purposes, I was now Alicia (including on the schedule of classes... that STUDENTS saw!!!)... rather than panic, I kind of smiled and said "welp, I think I'm Alicia now!" I messaged that Admin to tell her and she said "Woohoo! You're going to be your true self at work now! [everyone in my department was super supportive, so I was thrilled!]" 

So that was it... I'd be teaching as Alicia! Something I had dreamed of and prayed for over many years. And the clock was now ticking. I made the decision to make a coming out video because I knew that many students may have questions (since many of them had signed up for a class taught by "Terrence"), but I was honestly feeling pretty set about this myself... 

 

My coming out video...

 

And that was it... I was now Alicia at my Part Time job... the first one to come back to campus after COVID, which meant that, for all intents and purposes, the last day I was in a classroom before COVID, was the last day I'd be in a classroom as Terrence... hopefully ever! 

 

I remember waking up that morning, Thursday, January 26th, 2022, at 6am (my class wasn't until 9) so nervous and excited... I spent over an hour getting prepped, prettied, and feeling like my true self. 

 

Makeup laid out, and a "First Day of School" sign ready to go!

My wife offered to take some photos, and there it was... I was logging on as my true self for the first time. I usually pray before I begin my first class of the day (I still do... I'm not going to let extremists tell me that I can't be both a Believer and Transgender!), and then before I logged on, I briefly said "Thank you, Cassandra" under my breath... Cassandra was the affirmed name of a transgender student I had in a class seven years earlier... she was someone who made me feel uncomfortable, not because I didn't accept her, but because she was literally doing what I had wished I could do, and if you ever read this Cassandra, I owe so much to you! And that was it... I was now Alicia at one place of work! 

Welp... 

The stars were really aligning for me that year because at my full time job, my former dean had just gone into retirement, and his successor was a good friend of mine who was also a huge supporter. She saw my Facebook post and reached out to me pretty quickly after my first day as Alicia at my part time job and asked me "so when are we going to see Alicia here?" I told her that I WISHED it would be in our Spring Term, but probably not until Fall, and she encouraged me (not in a "I'm your boss" kind of way, but more in a "Only when you're ready, but we're ready for you when you are!" kind of way) to consider moving my timeline up, especially now that I'd made a coming out video and doing the stuff to change my name at work ***Should*** have been easy in both our eyes. After one quick chat about it, I was ready... Spring of 2022, I'd be transitioning at my full time job, and since most of my students already knew (several had seen my coming out video and had sent me messages of encouragement), I was ready to go. In fact, I couldn't wait that long... since everybody knew, I decided that my optional final exam review session (which I do every term) would be "Final Exam Review With Alicia!" (since many of my students wanted to meet Alicia, I actually used that as a carrot to get people to come to the final review session), and I had great turnout and tons of support! 

Even though it was just a review session, this moment was historical for me!

After a Spring Break where I enjoyed lots of Pliny the Younger, fantastic weather, and excellent time with my amazing wife, it was time to finally become Alicia at work... Full Time! 

No longer hinted at or hidden in any way! I was wearing the same outfit I wore after my first full transformation. What a way to celebrate finally being Alicia full time!

 

No longer having to switch between Alicia and Terrence... No longer having to remember who I was and where (not that it was a secret anymore)! I was now Alicia... full time at work! I'm sure some people shot double takes or needed time to adjust. Some may still wonder, but whatever. I was now Alicia! Fully Alicia! A few months later, I went on my first full vacation as Alicia, and after my wife's 40th birthday (she didn't ask for it, but I promised that I'd give her one last day of Terrence before I went full time), I essentially began living as Alicia full time. On October 2nd of that year, I took my first HRT pills, and on December 30th of that year, I presented intentionally as Terrence for the very last time (it was for my grandma, who wanted to see Terrence one more time... after I did it, she told me that even if I had come as Alicia, she would have welcomed me with open arms... but also implored that "thank you... now I'm ready to meet Alicia." and referred to me as her granddaughter when I showed up the next day en femme!)

Since then, I've been so blessed to be a part of the LGBTQ+ movement at work. I advocated for a full time position for a Pride Center coordinator, helped serve on that hiring committee, have watched our Pride Center just plain blossom under that person's leadership, and have actively advocated for numerous changes to our policies and procedures to make both schools more welcoming. And I've seen so much fruit come from that work! And I've even been blessed to win awards at both schools for my contributions.

I had the honor to speak at De Anza's 2023 Pride/Trans flag ceremony! 

 

And the rest is history. To be honest, I'm sharing this to both celebrate my success in transitioning at work, but also to say something to those of you who I know have struggled transitioning and coming out...

YOU ARE LOVED!!! 

YOU ARE WELCOMED!!!

and

YOU ARE NEEDED!!! 

That's easier said than done for me... I've been phenomenally blessed! I work in one of the most progressive settings on the planet, and with some amazing people! I have been blessed in ways that I probably take for granted. But if you are reading this somewhere where you are not loved/welcomed/embraced/needed, I want to tell you that those places DO exist! This world is dark in so many ways, but there are still so many who want nothing but the best for you, and want to see you do nothing other than flourish! And so rather than sharing my story as a "look how easy I have it," I want to instead share it as a call to you that there are places where you are valuable... where you are loved... where you are welcomed... and where you are NEEDED!

And straight up... we NEED more Transgender Visibility! We do... in a society where some are trying to paint us as "mentally ill perverts who need to be kept away from children," we need to be present and taking up space in society. So if you are reading this and feeling exhausted or hopeless about your prospects of being your true self, I can tell you firsthand that there are spaces that need you! 

And I need you... if you are reading this and are a trans person, I need you... you remind me that I'm not alone, and I hope I can do the same for you! 

Hugs, 

Alicia