A few mornings ago, I couldn't sleep, so I decided to look for, and go through my old scrapbook that my 8th grade science teacher gifted me near the end of that year. As I was going through it, I was reflecting on the many achievements I made as a kid, a student, and personally. But two other things really hit me as I was browsing the scrapbook... the first was that I was given it when I was 14... the first time I was able to articulate that something was up with my gender identity (the day the idea of being a woman gave me so much comfort) was almost two years prior to that... that's to say that the old, dusty, outdated and aging scrapbook I got and treasure, is still younger than my gender dysphoria... in essence, it's still younger than "Alicia." Like I said, it's a pretty old, aging scrapbook, and yet this journey I've been on has been going on for even longer than that!
After I got the scrapbook, I continued to add to it, including sections for my first and second girlfriends (my second one now being my wife), accomplishments in high school and college, my baptism certificate and church membership, my college graduation announcement, and the flyer for my Master's Thesis Defense. It stops just short of my wedding day (which I might try to change soon), and has nothing related to my transition. I'm debating about whether or not to add a section in there about my transition, coming to terms with being Alicia, and maybe even a (shrunk down and with personal information omitted) copy of the court order legally changing my name. We'll see if I do.
But near the back of the book, I saw my College Graduation announcement that I sent out (my naive self didn't expect people to send back stuff to me... I just thought it would be cool to have something that people could put on their refrigerator).
Looking at this picture reminds me of something pretty fundamental about that season of my life (2010, my senior year of college, entering that "what the hell do I do with myself" phase)... I was yearning to be Alicia! Seriously. During late 2009 and early 2010, Jamie and I (yes, we were dating back then) were floating an idea I reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly wanted to happen... I wanted to do a "girls night in" for my 25th birthday. We even went dress shopping for the occasion, but the idea didn't really go further than that. During this season, I was DEEPLY involved in the mainstream American Evangelical Church, and held many of the fundamental tenants of that faith... including the idea that my gender identity was "sinful" and something I was supposed to "struggle with." Yet, it was something I absolutely "slipped up on" pretty regularly. I would crossdress fairly often around Jamie, though I never did the full thing (with, makeup, falsies, etc) until 2019. Every time I'd do it, I'd feel ashamed of myself, and felt the need to confess that "sin," sometimes to other people. I actually "came out" to a few people during this season, but it was always in the tune of "hey, here's this sin I struggle with." Something that was incredibly frustrating about the culture of mainstream Evangelical churches was the overemphasis on purity culture and on normalizing some types of "sexual sin" while demonizing others (Trigger Warning: I talk about sexual stuff in the next few sentences): I can't tell you how many guy/girl nights my college group would have, and the boys would always talk about the same three fucking things: Porn, Lust, and Masturbation. And while they didn't realize they were doing it, they were both normalizing and somewhat "excusing" those behaviors since, you know, "everyone is doing it." I can't imagine how I would have been received if, in that time, I'd shared my struggle with my gender identity.
About a year later, I made a disastrous attempt at coming out, and had some pretty scathing things said to me... some of which by those same guys. It was frustrating, very humiliating, and honestly, very unhealthy. To this day, that very narrow minded, cookie-cutter approach to such a deeply painful struggle hurts. I'll give an example: a few years ago, one of my long time college friends reached out to me in order to reconcile... I was really thankful for him doing that, but once we got into a deep conversation, he went on to say "But I have to be honest, I'm disappointed by [you being transgender], but oh well, I still struggle with pornography." To equate an almost three-decade old identity crisis that I've cried myself to sleep many times over to "struggling with pornography" was, and is, a very unhealthy, and dare I say offensive, way of looking at my journey. Suffice it to say, the conversation didn't go much further than that. But all of that being said, I was consumed by that culture, and periods of cross dressing or even thinking about wanting to be Alicia (by this point, she had a name) came with great shame.
But she (Alicia) was becoming louder and louder in my mind, and this same season would be the first time she truly manifested herself in external ways, and in ways that I still experience today. During this same season (Spring of 2010), my wife (girlfriend at the time) Jamie joined a Christian Sorority, and really found a place of belonging there. Every Monday, as part of the sorority rules, Jamie would dress up a bit more than usual, and even a bit more than she did for me. While it was very selfish and unhealthy for me to do it, I'd get really jealous of her dressing up for them (but not always for me). It was one of those kind of things that set a theme for the season for me, and very similar to the season I find myself in now (see my last blog post about that). During that season, I always told Jamie two things: First, "this is me, not you," and second: "please don't quit the sorority because of me!" Joining those girls was one of the best things Jamie ever did for herself, and I'm so glad that, despite the grief I'd give her at times, she persisted. I've apologized to her so many times for my behavior during that time (including as I was writing this), but also acknowledged the jealousy and hurt I felt during that season too, mostly because she was doing something for/with them that I wish she would do for/with me. At the time, I thought it all came down to wishing that she'd dress up more often for me... even on nice dates, jeans and a t-shirt or casual blouse were the most common outfit she'd wear, and I always wanted to see more. To this day, I love it when Jamie dresses up for me (I mean, just look at her in that picture at the top of this post... I'm in love!!!), but I don't put the kind of pressure on her that I used to... what's interesting is that it wasn't transitioning that caused me to cool it in that department; it was getting married... they say that your spouse is a mirror to your behavior, and it wasn't until shortly after we got married that I realized how toxic my pressuring Jamie to dress up more was... so I cooled it down. Back to her joining a sorority... while I was definitely jealous that she was dressing up more often for them, it wasn't until I worked on an Instagram series for my 40th birthday that I realized that there was something else much deeper going on... I wanted to be a part of a sisterhood myself!
So let me go back another two years... I ALWAYS loved seeing what the ladies in my church were doing. Girl's night out, afternoon high teas, progressive dinners, etc. But the guys? Nothing. I have my opinions on that, but I once attempted to fill that void by arranging for a guy's night at a friend's house with a BBQ, poker, and just hanging out. And we all started having fun...
Until Football came on... anyone who knows me knows I'm not a big fan of Football. In fact, I half jokingly call it a religion! This "guys night" was a good example of that... the moment the game came on, every single guy was like a fucking lemming. No talking, no fellowship, no fun... just sitting there watching these underpaid college students toss around a lemon-shaped piece of leather in the hopes that maybe they'll land in the NFL. I was going to plan another guys night, but guess what the guys wanted to do then... yep, more fucking Football! I gave up... I realized that I was never going to get the kind of relationships, fellowship, or community with guys that I needed. I fit more in with the girls. Unfortunately, the evangelical church LOVES separating guys and girls like it's a middle school dance, so I wasn't really going to get any kind of community.
The truth was, I needed sisters! I needed the kind of friendships and community that THE Alicia (not me... but the Alicia who inspired my name) invited me to join during my senior year of high school (long story short, Alicia invited me to hang out with and connect with her group of friends at lunch, and most were girls... the group really felt like a sisterhood... and it was the closest thing I'd ever had to one until I started transitioning). But it was almost impossible to find it. And it was almost impossible to make my own version of it too.
So, fast forward back to 2010, when I saw Jamie finding her group of sisters, I totally felt jealous of her. I never admitted it at the time, and honestly haven't truly realized it until pretty recently, but I really needed sisterhood. Was I also jealous that Jamie was spending so much time with them? Of course. Was I jealous that she'd dress up for them? Yep. But even as date nights became more common, and even as Jamie dressed up more (I even offered to take her clothes shopping), something still felt off for me. The truth was that I wanted the kind of community, with the kind of people (ladies), that Jamie was having. I was so glad she was having such a great time, but I wanted it for myself too.
I'm really proud of Jamie for persisting through my bullshit and for pressing in to that sorority. I moved away for graduate school less than six months later, and those girls provided her with so much love, support, and community that I was blown away by. To this day, she has a small handful of sorority sisters that are still present in her life (including her Big Sis, who is one of her best friends, and now one of my best friends too! She participated in our original wedding [as the Matron of Honor], and as we are preparing to renew our vows soon, I'm very hopeful that she will participate in that too). All but one of her bridesmaids came from that sorority, and as I mentioned, we are still in regular contact with several of those girls. If you are reading this, I'm so sorry for how jealous I was, but also so thankful for the role you played in Jamie's life, and for giving her sisterhood.
Now let's fast forward to present day. In my last blog post, I wrote so much about what I'm calling "The Next Phase of my Transition," and it's all about finding sisterhood. The catalyst for this season was a misunderstanding between myself and another awesome lady that left me feeling really, well, unwanted. Just like it hurt to see Jamie having the time of her life with her sisters, it was hard to see them all having the time of their life and wishing so hard that I could be there with them too... but feeling left out. Has that incident affected me in this season? Absolutely! But, other than the harm my behavior caused (just like with Jamie joining her sorority), I'm really thankful the incident happened. It made me realize that I needed to change something... I needed to pursue sisterhood more actively (rather than just signing up for events). So many of the highlights I shared in my last blog (such as Paint the Town, going to Keystone, etc...) were possible because I pursued them, got involved, and made friends. And one of the best things to come out of it has been genuine sisterhood. I hyped up my friend Natalie last time, and while I honestly consider her one of my best friends, she's just one example of a gal pal that I consider like a sister now! A major blessing has been that, in addition to my pursuit of sisterhood, I've seen people pursuing friendship with me too! It's been incredible, and something I'm so thankful for! I see myself growing and changing so much in this season, and I also see places where I'm, well, wanted (including spaces and people that I once feared I was unwanted from). I'm a blessed girl!
This girl, Jenna D, was the very first trans woman I opened up to about Alicia. I consider her my "trans mom" in so many ways!
It's also important to highlight not just my trans and crossdressing sisters, but also my cisters (it's not just trans women who I've made sisterhood with!)
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| My friends Erika and Traci at a Galentines night. |
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| Bernadette and Alex having Galentines Tea with Jamie and myself. |
Like I said, I'm very blessed. I think the phrase "ask and you shall receive" rings true here. But before I finish this, I want to go back to what all kicked it off... the incident from last Fall. I can't imagine anyone who was involved with that would want me to keep bringing it up, but while it really was just a silly misunderstanding, I took it so hard. But what it represented, a dashed opportunity for sisterhood, gutted me... that's not the host's fault or the fault of anyone involved with that event, but just like I put so much on Jamie while she was starting off with her sorority sisters, I seriously gave grief to some of the girls involved in that event. If you see this, know that I will always be sorry for my behavior. But I also want you to know that the whole incident has led to a period of meaningful growth for me, and a better understanding of WHY I took things so hard... because I need sisters!
And over the past several months, I've both found sisters, and found sisterhood in many friendships I've had... some for years!
So yes, I'm very blessed.
Before I wrap this up, I do want to highlight one special sisterhood that, honestly, has been life changing for me. I mentioned her a little bit in my last blog, but I really didn't share a whole lot about what she does, and a really cool Sisterhood (it's literally called that) that she has created...
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| This is Jennifer Marie, but she regularly goes by "Jenn" |
Jennifer Marie is the author of "Ask Me Anything, My Transparent Transition Story" (you can find that Here) and the Owner/Founder of Jennspire, a Gender Identity coaching service focused on finding your Gender Equilibrium (TM... yes, she got that term trademarked... she's also a phenomenal and savvy businesswoman). Last December, Jamie and I were driving down to San Diego for the holidays, and I simply wasn't in a place to be left to my thoughts, so after seeing an advertisement for her book on Instagram, I decided to download the audio book, and play it on the drive down. By the time we made our first rest stop, I was sending her a message thanking her for the book and sharing the impact that it (mind you I was only a couple of hours into the audio book at this moment). Jenn responded, and by the second rest stop, we were going back and forth talking about things in the book that resonated with me. By the third stop (it was a 9 hour drive), I was signing up for Jennspire, and by the end of the road trip, we were social media friends and sisters... In the last two hours of the audio book, both Jamie and I were cheering and hooting and hollering anytime Jenn had a major milestone, and boo'ing or "aww"ing when she' have a setback. It was like having a third person in the car, and by the end, it genuinely felt like she was a sister. But actually, in addition to Jennspire, Jenn had also created a space that has been perfect for me and many other gender expansive girls (crossdressers, trans women, dual gender, etc...) to connect, grow together, and become friends with... The Jennspire Sisterhood:
The Jennspire Logo... learn more about Jennspire at www.jennspire.com
Let me say that I'm not getting paid to say this, but meeting Jenn and joining the Jennspire Sisterhood has been life changing for me! Because so many of them are still in the closet I won't mention too many names, but I think about ladies like Brynn, Michelle, Sophia, Myka, and so on that, through the sisterhood, have become friends. I mentioned Kip above... she surprised Jenn and I at Keystone a few months ago, and I ran up to her and gave her the biggest hug when I saw her. Meeting Jenn face to face was such a blessing! I've already seen several fellow sisters in person, and hope to meet more face-to-face in the future. I've only been a member since Christmas, and it's been one of the biggest gifts I could have ever asked for. I've also since began Gender Equilibrium counseling with Jenn (so I'm not just a friend, but a client), and I can say with certainty that she is INCREDIBLE at what she does. If you want to learn more, check out www.jennspire.com .
So what's next? To be honest, I'm processing a lot of things right now about all of this. Writing this blog helped quite a bit. I didn't realize how deep my need for sisterhood (not just community... but sisterhood!) was until just these past few weeks, and, as important, how that needed manifested itself in so many ways, sometimes not good ways, in my life and in my behavior. There are people I'd love to reconcile with (or at least apologize to), others who I've already apologized to and have been forgiven by, and praise God the largest group has been the people who I've thanked for helping me along this journey. I've also experienced a boom period in community, but I think in the future, I might gear that towards focusing on sisterhood. I hope to visit Natalie more, and hope she'll come out someday to visit me. I hope to see some more Jennspire sisters in person. I hope that, even if some sisterhoods are mostly online, that we find opportunities to connect in person over the next few years. I also hope that for those who are really just meant to be acquaintances, that I can discern that and act appropriately... one of the things that has come from my coaching with Jenn is that I was trying to turn every person I interacted with into a best friend... I was getting pretty pushy about it earlier this year, but I think I'm finding a better cadence and acting more appropriately too. It's crazy to read back over this and see how HUMAN I am, and yet, how much wisdom can be found in these words. I'm so proud of the growth I've experienced recently, am so blessed by the friends and gal pals who have been by my side, and honestly excited to continue building into them in the future.
There's a lot to dread currently in 2025 America as a Transgender woman, but personally, there is so, so much I'm looking forward to. I hope to keep updating you all about what happens next on here!
Hugs!
-Alicia
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