To each their own (transition!)

 ...I actually took that title from a blog I was reading from the wife of a transgender person over 15 years ago (yes... as I've said before, none of this is new to me). I don't think that blog exists anymore, or where that couple is, but it felt like a great title for what I want to share tonight. 

So I just came from my friend Jenna's "weenie roast" a few hours ago (picture of us below), and I am so thrilled to see her approaching the finish line of her transition. 

 

As I wrote on Wednesday, I feel like I'm moving on from the baby stages of my transition and the past few days have had me thinking a lot about where my finish line is. To be honest, I have no idea. And while I've made it a goal to figure it out in 2024, I seriously don't know if that will actually happen, and that leads me to something important that I want to say here: 

Regardless of where you started, where you are at right now, or where you want your transition to end up, your transness is 100% valid! You are valid: 

• Whether you are out and proud, or if your true identity is deep behind closed doors.
• Whether you want to get ALL the surgeries you can, or if you don't want to/can't get any of them.
• Whether you are on hormones or not. 
• Whether your gender identity lies somewhere within the binary or not.
• Whether you have all of your next steps planned out, or like me, honestly don't know what's next. 
• Whether your goalposts are changing constantly.
  
• Whether you have taken any steps towards transitioning or not.
• Whether transitioning is even a goal for you... the "trans" in transgender DOES NOT mean "transition," and if someone else tells you that, they are wrong! 
• Whether you dress to the nines every time you present as your affirmed gender, or you simply put on clear nail polish.
• Also, I want to say this too... you are also valid if you once identified as transgender and no longer do (whether you were forced back in, de-transitioned willingly, or just don't feel like you identify with being transgender). 
  

And I personally don't mind catching criticism for this (sorry Transmeds... you are just as bad as Transphobes and TERFs IMO! Any sect that is excluding to members of our community isn't a trans-affirming sect), but the only person who can define if you are transgender or not is YOU!

The reason why I can say this with so much confidence is because at some point in my journey, I'd practically checked off every one of those dots above... all while confidently identifying as transgender. While I didn't finally blurt out my need to transition into a woman until late Halloween night, 2020, I identified as transgender (even just to myself and to my wife) at least a couple of years before that. There was a time where NOBODY but my wife knew I identified as transgender. There was a time where anything/everything Alicia related was behind closed doors. There was a time where my only expression of Alicia beyond those closed doors was wearing a skirt and boots while Zoom teaching. There was a time where I wanted to do EVERYTHING to prevent myself from transitioning. I went full time and transitioned at work a good six months before I took my first hormone pill. I know many who go longer, and some never take HRT. For a year and a half, I identified as bi-gender... during that time, I was trying so hard to live a life as Alicia while still holding on to my life as Terrence. I know a few people (like one of my biggest role models Hannah McKnight) who have done it, and successfully. I tried... and it didn't work out.. and that's okay! I have no idea what the end of my transition will look like... right now, I'm holding on to see what HRT does, and plan to evaluate over the next few years... so my goalposts are very fluid, and I may pursue a surgery or two... or I may not (please refer to my last blog about where I land on bottom surgery... I really don't feel comfortable repeating it). 

At the end of the day, what I'm trying to say is, no matter where you are under the transgender umbrella, there's plenty of room under here, and while there are those sects that like to gate keep being transgender, I promise you there are way, way, way more of us who welcome you with open arms, and want you with us.

So regardless of what anyone says (even me)... YOU ARE VALID!!!  

Trans teenhood: Moving on from my "Baby Trans" phase.

I strongly believe that a huge part of any transgender person's journey is development and growth. I also believe that, like a human life cycle, transgender people go through different stages of being transgender. I mean, think about it... all of us have a moment where we think "hmmmm... something is off with who I am." That's birth; while I believe that a person is born transgender, I also believe that there is a moment where they journey down the pink-blue-white road begins, and that would be considered (by me) to be the birth stage of a person's exploration of who they are. For some, this is when their "egg cracked," (terminology for coming out of your shell and embracing your true self), but for others, it can start way before that, and for others, it can be a long process of questioning and exploration. I don't want to get bogged down in the "birth" stage of being transgender because, frankly, it can be very convoluted (for me, was it the first time I wanted a MySize Barbie so I could wear the dress? Was it the August afternoon in 1997 when I was reclining in my Mom's house thinking, for the first time, that I wanted to be a woman, or would it be the night that I finally blurted out to Jamie "I need to transition!"? Or could it be the dozens of other major memories that I can look back on?). So let me get to the real meat and potatoes of this blog post... 

After you come to terms with being transgender, you begin a journey. At the beginning of that journey, you, just like a baby, are getting a feel for the new world around you. You are trying to establish a style, getting used to things like wigs and makeup, starting out very rough usually (pictured below is from the very first time I fully dressed as Alicia... it was so terrible that I don't even consider it my Aliciaversery), and trying to get the hang of things. This phase usually involves being closeted or only being out to a few people, having very little sense of who you are, and so on. I didn't even know how to properly apply eyeshadow at the time, let alone style a wig, or find ways to feminize my "masculine" features. I knew nothing... other than I identified as a woman. Everything was super exploratory, and I was making mistakes left, right and center. 

This was from the very first time I attempted to dress up as a woman... yikes! 

This was from this morning... still a way to go, but still a long way from where I was! 

Just like a baby, however, I learned how to walk and talk... I learned makeup basics, I learned how to look more appropriately for the outside world. I finally stepped outside into the real world as Alicia. I eventually came out and started transitioning. I'm just two weeks away from celebrating the two year anniversary of the first day I taught a class as Alicia. I just celebrated my first full year of being Alicia full time. There was a time where I deeply depended on having someone hold my hand (figuratively) when it came to things like appearance and support... my journey into being Alicia was aided greatly by a transgender social club in San Jose that, unfortunately, no longer exists. Had that social club gone out of business in the first year or two of my journey, it would have been a near fatal blow to me, and would have definitely slowed down my progress significantly. Now obviously transgender people exist in San Jose regardless of if that club existed or not, so it obviously wasn't the end all be all for trans people... but for my personal journey, it was a crutch... it was my training wheels. I still keep in contact with the owner of that social club, and I consider her to be one of my two "trans moms" (basically mentors). What I'm trying to say here is that nobody learns this stuff on their own, and that was one of the places where I first learned and grew. While I'm sad that social club eventually went away (it was a slow death, spurred on by COVID), I'm thankful that, for other baby trans people, there are other places for them to get the same kind of support, even if they are different institutions than a business. 

During this whole time, the other person I considered a "trans mom," an awesome lady named Jenna, would regularly refer to me as a "baby trans." I think it's a very appropriate term for someone who is, at least relatively speaking, starting out on their transgender journey... learning to talk the talk and walk the walk. But just last night, when I was dropping some stuff off as Jenna's house for her bottom surgery celebration (I LOVE what she's doing... to celebrate her bottom surgery, she's having a "Weenie Roast!" I think that's fucking brilliant! So I offered to buy all the hotdogs and buns), we were having a conversation, and she once again referred to me as a baby trans, and while I in no way felt offended or thought it was inappropriate (I wouldn't be posting this if I did... instead, I'd be talking privately with Jenna about it instead of blasting her on here), it gave me pause... 

Am I still a baby trans? Is my journey into becoming Alicia still in its infancy? I mean, let me briefly share my milestones: 

• I got fully dressed/made up as a woman for the first time... and second... and third... and now probably coming up on 1000th day presenting as Alicia.
• I fully came out to everyone... I'm no longer hiding this behind closed doors. 
• I set foot into the world as Alicia for the first time. Now I'm always Alicia when I go out... there is no space where I am still Terrence.
• I have fully transitioned socially... meaning that I no longer conduct business or act publicly in any way as Terrence... EVERYTHING is now as Alicia. I even legally changed my name and gender marker last year. 
• I started my medical transition about two and a half years ago... first with laser hair removal (I need to get back on that), and I'm now about a year and a half on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). 

Yes, there is still a lot of learning and growth to go... still a lot of skills I need to pick up, and a lot of coping mechanisms that I need to learn. But I'm certainly beyond the point where, like a baby, I'm completely incapable of sustaining myself as Alicia, and in fact am pretty independent now. Being transgender is no longer a new thing to me... I still talk a lot about it because I'm still exploring more and more about it, and tackling more and more issues (family, physical, social, etc) related to being transgender, but I'm certainly beyond the need for training wheels or someone to help me with the most basic of things. However, I'm also most definitely not as Jenna's point in my transition... I'm definitely still quite away from those who have completed their transition and are living their lives, essentially as people who just so happen to be transgender rather than trans people (in other words, being trans is kind of a secondary thing about them, whereas being transgender is still very much at the forefront of who I am). I still have very thin skin, I still suck a makeup, and I couldn't pass to save my life (not that you need to pass to be successfully transgender... passing is a fallacy, but that's for another time). I'm still very much in a place where I need mentorship and upbringing. So all of that being said, submitted for the approval of the entire transgender community, I'd like to propose a new term: 

Trans Teenhood... or Teen Trans... or Teeny Trans (though that might not work). 

Let me explain why this term makes sense to me, and why I think it perfectly fits where I am. Like an actual teenager, teen trans: 

1. Are fairly independent... I don't need someone to do my makeup, help me pick out clothes, or do any of the basic things that a trans person needs to function. You can leave me alone for a while and I'll still be able to take care of myself. 
2. Know a lot more than they used to... but still have a lot to learn. I know how to put on a half decent face... but my makeup skills still need work. I am capable of appropriately presenting as Alicia, but there are still giveaways that I need to work on. 
3. Are still not fully detached from their "old self." I still see the lasting effects of male privilege in how I act, what I say, and how I view things. Case in point, yesterday, I made a comment defending Jo Koy's joke about Taylor Swift at the Golden Globes, and it was because I saw the joke as less about her and more about the NFL's obsession with her. A few women shared their perspective with me, and explained how the joke could be seen as hurtful and offensive to Taylor, and while I still saw it as more of a quip on the NFL's constant showing of her, I think he at least should apologize to her. 
4. Are "know it all's." Even writing this, I'm sure there will be far more mature people reading it and thinking "she's full of shit!" Truth be told, I'm at the point where I know enough to be functional as Alicia, but I still don't know enough to keep myself out of trouble. I still engage with transphobes on social media, thinking I'm going to make a point or find a "gotcha" when, in all honesty, there's nothing I can say or do that is going to shut them up or change their minds. They are going to think what they think, no matter what. And yet, I still keep talking. I also still do stuff that I'm sure my elder trans friends think is silly, or even inappropriate. But I'm pretty confident in who I am, and at times, I can be very stubborn about it. Someone critiqued my eye makeup a few months ago, and I wanted to get all butthurt about it... thankfully that's when my 38 year old self's wisdom intervenes and I realize that they are just trying to be helpful, and I need to learn from them. 
5. Are hormonal... literally! I'm only a year and change into HRT, and I started a new hormone this past October. These are changing my body, and making it react in ways it never has before. Most of those ways are completely expected and even beneficial... but there are side effects. I've noticed that I am more sensitive to allergens than I previously was... in fact, this past year, I was hospitalized three different times for a mystery swelling that turned out to just be a subcutaneous allergic reaction... I've always had the allergy, but because estrogen programs your body to act differently than testosterone does, my body now responds to it differently. The HRT is NOT causing the reactions or their underlying cause... it's just training my body to handle them differently. I literally had the same swelling incident happen this past week while on Vacation in Portland... but I now know that Predisone for a night combined with Pepcid bring the swelling down rapidly. I was back to my regular self the next afternoon, with no lingering side effects. At the end of the day, I've realized that I need to treat Alicia's body different than I did Terrence's... and that's a common trait of a teenager. 
6. Adults still think we are children... and we don't like that even though we really are. I can remember, when I turned 13, I no longer qualified for the Children's admission price at the movies, but since I was barely 13, my family (who oftentimes had few nickels to rub together) would still insist on trying to pass me off as a 12 year old to get the discount. I never went along with it because I didn't see the bigger picture... I just saw that I was still being called a kid and I hated it. I'm sure it annoyed them to no end, but I was insistent that I was no longer a kid, and didn't want to be kept in that box. However, even though I no longer qualified for the child discount, I was still, in very many ways, a child. Going back to my trans journey, when Jenna called me a baby trans again yesterday, I almost wanted to go "wait a second! I think I've grown beyond that phase!" And in many ways, I have (hence this blog post)... but in the eyes of Jenna (and many other experienced trans people), I am still very much a newbie, and certainly less mature because I am! That's why Jenna can still call me a baby trans, and I won't hate her for it. Also Jenna, if you read this, please know that you don't need to stop calling me a baby trans... compared to where you are at in the journey, I am very much still in my infancy and so like adults call teenagers children (and even babies), labeling me a baby trans is perfectly appropriate... the point I'm making in this blog is that "teen trans" may be a more appropriate term for me.
7. Can babysit, mentor, and even care for baby trans. I think one of the biggest things that convinces me that I've moved on from my baby trans phase is that, well, I now have baby trans people looking up to me, and seeking guidance and mentorship from me... and I'm in a place where I can give it. I currently have at least one friend whom I've sheparded, offered advice and suggestions to, and regularly check in on... even though we came out to each other at the same time, they are on a much earlier part of their journey than I am, and so I'm able to impart wisdom and skills on them that I couldn't have in my baby trans phase. As a college professor, I've had numerous opportunities to support students who have been questioning their gender, and I'd like to think of myself as someone who has passed down my experience in transitioning to them. Going back to my friend Jenna (sorry for bringing you up so much), I met her when she was in her baby trans phase... and while she is far from that now, there were certainly times where the advice or mentorship she provided me still had that immaturity of a baby trans in it... and I see myself doing the exact same thing with the person I'm mentoring (for example, I've told them numerous times "just transition and get it over with..." but that's honestly not the best advice to give someone who is still struggling with who they are), and I'm sure I've fallen short for my students at times too. It's a part of the process... a part of the journey. We look back on shit we did/said to someone earlier in their journey and go "ooooh! I probably shouldn't have said that." But you know what... they still turned out okay, just like you will. 
8. Are starting to think about the future. In my conversation with Jenna (who is literally taking the last step in her medical transition next week), a big piece of advice she gave me was to start thinking long term about my transition. How do I want Alicia to be like in 5... 10... 20 years from now? At this point, the milestones have been relatively fast and furious. I went from stepping out into public as Alicia for the first time to working/living full time as Alicia in a little more than two years. And so every goal I have planned for was "for the next month/quarter/semester/year." When you are a child, the thought of a year seems like forever... I can remember thinking of teaching for the first time as Alicia as some kind of far away goal that I might someday accomplish... almost as a fantasy. And then it happened. Same thing with starting HRT... Same thing with having my last day as Terrence... and yet, those things came fast and furious. But what's next for me? Hormones take years to fully set in... it will still take a long time before my hair grows to a length that I want to keep it as... Jamie and I still have tons more adjusting before we finally reach our new homeostasis with me as a woman (don't get me wrong... we've gone leaps and bounds... but we still have a way to go). So now is the time to start thinking about what my endgame is. How do I want to look like/sound like/be like once my transition is complete? Is it complete yet (no it isn't)? What other things do I need to do? How do I make sure that a rough patch isn't enough to push me into detransitioning (because they happen, and many a trans person reaches a point where they no longer feel comfortable continuing along their journey... though it's actually a very small percentage of the trans community). I will say I know how far I DON'T want to go (though it's inappropriate to ever ask a trans person this, I'll share it anyway; at this time, I have zero desire to ever get bottom surgery, and while there are a few reasons that I'd rather not share here, the biggest one is that I don't feel that I need it... my "feminine flaw" as my friend Hannah calls it, isn't really a source of dysphoria for me, so I don't see a point in going through all of the grueling work for it when I can instead devote that work to other goals in my transition)... but what DO I want? What's my endgame? Are there any surgeries I may want in the future (I think maybe hair plugs to completely get rid of my bald spot and top surgery are the only two I have on the table now)? How far do I want to go for laser hair removal? Do I want to also get electrolysis? Do I want to be able to go stealth if I have to? What about friendship/family/relationship goals? What about my career? Those things that we all think about in the long term are things that I have to think about AS ALICIA... my transition and my friendship/relationship/family/career/health goals are no longer mutually exclusive. I also have to bring this up, but in the political climate that is still quite hostile to transgender people, do I need to think about a safety plan should access to transgender care be taken away federally? What if anti-trans bills like "Don't Say Gay," or the many "Bathroom Bills" being proposed in red states become federal policies? It sucks to have to think of those things, but what would I have to do to protect Jamie and myself should it virtually become criminal (or at least unrecognized) to identify as anything other than the gender you were assigned at birth? Would I need to seek refuge in another country? Where would we go? Would I be in danger if I stayed here? Would Jamie? Those may sound far fetched, but I guaran-fucking-tee you virtually every single transgender person in the United States is either thinking, or needs to be thinking about them. Wow... that went dark quickly... but just like a teenager needs to start thinking long term, I'm at that point in my transition too. 
9. Last, but not least, teen trans people overthink a lot of shit... hence this post. But it was fun writing it! 

Let me close by saying that the term "teen trans" is still very malleable, and so should someone explain to me why it could be seen as offensive or inappropriate, I'm happy to change it... but the concept stays the same... I'm at a point where I'm no longer new to my journey, but I'm certainly a long way from completing it, and definitely still quite young in my transition in the eyes of more experienced trans folx like my friend Jenna (also, sorry I kept bringing you up)... just like a teenager! 

Let me know your thoughts! 

Hugs!

-Alicia