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| For the very colorful person I am, I've been in a pretty muted season as of late... |
Have you ever had a bad day? I mean, why am I even asking that? Of course you have... we all have! Bad days are just a part of our lives... they happen! But have you ever had a bad season? Now, I don't necessarily mean a period where you lost your job, had your home foreclosed, got cheated on and had both your mom and dad die all in a short period of time, though I know people who have been dealt pretty shitty hands like that before. No, I'm talking more about one of those seasons where you just couldn't get yourself up to 100%... your head just wasn't in the game... even the things you love weren't motivating you. Even though nothing specific was wrong, you were just... well... in a funk.
To be honest, that's where I'm at right now. I just came off of Spring Break, a time where my wife and I almost always (with the exception of the year the COVID pandemic had just started) travel a bit during Spring Break. Even last year, when I needed an emergency root canal at the beginning of the week, we were still having fun in Vegas by the end of the week. But this year, well, it just didn't happen. To be honest, a whole lot of nothing happened. Of the nine days I had off, I didn't leave our apartment (except to maybe pick up some food) 4 days, left for a couple of hours to "storm chase" one day, went to church and brunch one day, had one full day out, and then went out to dinner with Jamie twice... Practically, the rest of the time, I was at home, and most of the time I was at home, I was laying down in bed. I only put on makeup three of those nine days, and most days I just lounged around the apartment in pajamas.
In some ways, it was glorious. In others, it was depressing. Very, very depressing. And, personally, it was very concerning for me. As someone who can't wait to jump out of bed in the morning, put on my face, and say hello to that beautiful woman in the mirror, to be so unmotivated to even take a shower (don't worry... I still bathed... I'm not that gross) seemed very off for me.
But it really wasn't surprising. To be honest, lately, I've felt like I've been running on Empty. Barely able to get myself through the week, letting my laundry pile up day after day after day, and even settling for quick and easy outfits rather than taking the time I usually take to excitingly plan out a cute, feminine outfit. I've noticed this trend for about six months now... maybe a little longer. Now don't get me wrong... words can't describe how much joy I feel when I see "her" in the mirror. I still get so excited when I do have the motivation to plan a cute outfit. I still enjoy every single second of living my life as Alicia, and no, I still have zero desire to detransition. But for whatever reason, my energy, and the energy that getting to be my true self gives me, has been waning. I feel like I just want to have a season of just going through the motions and recharging. I want to just phone it in for a few months so I can come back stronger afterwards. I'm burnt out. Even this blog, which I started strong with has suffered.
So why? I'm not sure who is going to read this, but what I wrote above sounds like depression. Low energy, low motivation, the simplest tasks (like making dinner or doing laundry) feel like pulling teeth. Last week, I actually had kind of a breakdown where I started worrying that one of my long time supporters and allies wasn't a supporter anymore... it wasn't her, it was me. And it triggered a night of crying because I kept overthinking things... but it felt like I needed to cry. I needed a good cry... we all do from time to time.
All that being said, In the past decade, I've had two other major bouts of depression, so it is worth looking at those and trying to figure out what this current time has in common with them.
The first bout was what I call my 2014-2015 "funk." The first symptom I noticed was in July of 2014, when, halfway through my first summer term as an adjunct professor, I suddenly tired... I started dragging, began getting slower in my grading and lesson writing, and while it wasn't awful, it was noticeable. That fall, the church my wife and I had been a part of for over a decade was going through a nasty split, and the church we were now at was practically collapsing (in fact, it was so bad, that a 12-episode podcast on it was released by Christianity Today... look up the Rise and Fall of Mars Hill). The following Spring, those circumstances had improved, but I wasn't getting any better emotionally... in fact, by Summer of 2015, I was having random crying spells, constant panic attacks, and finally had a mental breakdown on my way home from work on afternoon. A family member intervened, helped me get myself on stable ground emotionally, and I actually started antidepressants (pro tip: the stigma of antidepressants is such bullshit... a decent percentage of the people I know either have been, or are currently on them... it doesn't make you a weak person). I noticed that, within a few weeks, the dread I was feeling suddenly lost all of its edge. By the end of 2015, I'd say that the funk was over.
While it would be easy to pinpoint the church drama happening as a source of anxiety and uncertainty, and possibly a starting point in the depression, that really doesn't make sense. I began feeling the slide before that (earlier in the summer). After a year of working through everything with a therapist, I came up with a pretty good hypothesis for it... I was coming off of a "sugar rush" in my life...
Let me explain... in the years 2012 and 2013, I got engaged, had a very successful summer internship in a beautiful area, got to take the train cross-country more than once (I LOVE train travel!), got to teach a class for the very first time, finished/defended my Masters' Thesis and subsequently graduated, got married, and went on an amazing honeymoon, and then started my first classes as an adjunct professor. That's a lot of high moments in a 2-year time span. In that 2 year period, I constantly had something to be excited for, looking forward to, or a new accomplishment to be proud of. It was just a period of continuous winning! But life has its ups and downs... that level of milestone after accomplishment after thing to look forward to can't last forever. Even the richest, most successful, and happiest people in the world don't get years and years and years of non-stop wins. Everyone has to take an L at some point. For me, I thought my first L was coming in Fall of 2013 when, after getting married and coming home from the honeymoon, I had nothing lined up (that was actually a part of the plan, but it still sucked to feel so worthless)... but even then, within a month, things started falling into place. I'd say my first true L came in April of 2014, after I got a scathing peer evaluation at one of the schools I taught at. It turned out that the person who gave me the evaluation had a "burn-build-burn" approach to mentorship, and while I had some serious issues I needed to address, the evaluation was mostly his way of tough-loving me... he has since become a good friend, ally, and I still see him as a mentor to this day. But at the time, that was my VERY FIRST evaluation, so it was harder for me than I would have liked. Following that, the W's didn't come so rapid-fire as they used to, and well, the sugar rush wore off. It was, in a very real sense, back to reality.
Okay, so that all explains the first bout of depression. What about the second one? The second one was a shorter, but still pretty pronounced bout of depression that lasted about 6 months in 2018. During the time, I was having a hard time building a reputation at work that would get students to want to take my classes, and I was being pressured pretty heavily by my dean to increase enrollment... I felt like my lack of putting butts in seats made me worth less at work, and at the same time, I was struggling with handling overly demanding students, and just wondering if I was meant to be a college teacher. So again, circumstances played a role in my depression. But, yet again, I was coming off of another sugar rush... In 2016, I had earned my driver license (yes, I was a late bloomer) and saw a world of possibilities opening up before my eyes. I took three different road trips for the remainder of that year, had a very constant, and even abundant workload of classes (thus, income, even though adjunct pay sucks compared to being full time), and by the end of the year, I had a late night email that lead to me pursuing a job that I ended up getting... a dream job! Eight years later, and I still can't believe I get to do what I do! Follow that up with getting to do more professional work, seeing the 2017 Great American Eclipse in Totality, and just being in a more stable position, and I was riding high in 2017. Then the crash came in 2018.
See where I'm getting at... there's a cycle going on here. Boom followed by Bust. Kind of like the stock market, but for life.
Well, what about now? Well, let's be frank... I'm coming off of a HUGE sugar rush.
In 2019, I got to finally "meet" Alicia. Though the next six months or so were rough with figuring out all of this with my wife, by the end of the year, we were both pretty confident that Alicia is here to stay.
In 2020, while the world was going to shit, my world was actually going okay. By the end of the year, I realized that transitioning was inevitable, and both my wife and I had accepted that... it was a conclusion we had come to together, which honestly made it that more special.
In 2021, I came out to everyone, started fortifying my support system (thank you all so much!!! <3), began gender therapy, and began crafting a real life as Alicia.
Then... 2022 was a HUGE year. Within 6 days, my name was changed at my part time job, and I got to start teaching as my true self. Meanwhile, at my full time job, my dean at the time caught wind and ensured me that when I was ready, my school was ready for Alicia. What I thought was a "maybe in the fall" pipe dream quickly became a reality... about two years ago, I started working full time as Alicia. Within months, I was serving on committees to make changes at work, helping hire a new Pride coordinator, being invited to panels, and just getting to be a resource for the community. In July, I got to meet two of my role models in the trans community, by August, I had spent my first full month as Alicia, I finally returned to campus after COVID in September, and began HRT in October. Just a week later, I got to serve on an SV Pride Coming Out Panel, and got a huge surprise when an old friend from my old church showed up to support me (that was bigger than I could ever describe)... the next week, I was serving on another panel for Out & Equal in Las Vegas, and by the end of the year, I was trying on wedding dresses for a vow renewal ceremony. I began 2023 literally (on New Years Day) by introducing my whole family to Alicia!
The past year, though, hasn't seen nearly the same level of excitement and win after win after win. Meanwhile, HRT has caused me to gain about 20 pounds, and I can feel every one of them, I'm pretty burnt out at work (I love what I do, but I need a summer off to refocus and retool... thankfully I'm going on Sabbatical next year), and I'm just feeling emotionally drained. At the same time, I'm watching the political climate in the US trending towards transphobia, though the past month has seen the tide turn... but yes, this is the first presidential election where I feel like my life is literally at stake. I still get constant hate messages and notes of harassment from people. I'm missing a bunch of my old friends, and having a hard time letting my guard down with the friends I still have. Like I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, just a few weeks ago, I was worrying that I had lost a pretty meaningful friend/ally. I have lost friends, including some who had initially supported and affirmed me as a trans woman. I have to admit that, while I also know it's an insult to my friends who I have, I still have my guard up... and to some extent, that's necessary. Just last week, I had to leave a Beer social group because the moderator struck down someone's message of support for Transgender Day of visibility as "too political and opinionated." I find I'm taking some things way more personal than I used to. Other things that others may think I take too seriously, I do so for a reason (someone deleting a post voicing support for transgender people because it's "too political" for example... if supporting trans people is political to that person, that's not a safe person to be around).
Anyway, that's what I think all of this is. I think I'm coming off of another sugar rush... I had a season of nonstop accomplishments in my journey as a trans woman, and now I'm settling into reality, patiently waiting for hormones to do their thing before I figure out what my next steps in my transition are. I'm pretty anxious about the outcome of the upcoming election, and I don't think that's uncalled for. I'm trying to figure out how I can kickstart some weight loss... some of my favorite dresses are getting a little tight, and I still have a wedding dress to hopefully fit into someday. There's a lot of uncertainty coming up. And so adding that to coming off that sugar rush, and I think that explains my current funk.
At the end of the day, I don't think it will last. I really don't. I'm excited for the next steps in my life, and I know that another round of exciting days are ahead. I still think there are lots of great years ahead of me to live, and I'm just getting started (even though I'm midlife now!)
Anyway, I just needed this time to mental dump. Maybe I'll edit this into a better blog someday, but if you do read this, just remember that there is a rainbow after the storm. Every dip comes with another jump. Life can get good again, even when it currently is rough. Be excited for that.
Onward!
-Alicia
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