You Matter - Stay for Them!

 Before I begin, Trigger Warning: Suicide.

 

As I'm writing this, my most "popular" blog post has had maybe 15 views, and I'd bet almost half of them are from me going back over what I wrote. Now personally, I really don't care if this blog gains a giant following or ever gets any kind of traction... at the end, I'm writing this for myself. That being said, this blog is a form of vulnerability, and I have to assume that, at some point, it's going to be picked up by a hate group of transphobic trolls, and shared around like currency (sad to say, but my coming out video on YouTube has about 1.5K views, and of that, about 1000 of them are from a hate group... thanks for the views!), and so what I share on here can be weaponized to harm me or the people I love. But I also feel that what I'm sharing here is important enough for that risk to be taken because, if I've made the life of one person (CisHet or LGBTQ+) better because of what I wrote here, that single difference is all worth it. That being said, I wanted to touch on this really quickly. 

While I've never had a concrete plan to, nor have seriously considered it since transitioning (I have prior), I've thought about taking my own life before... many people have... especially transgender people. And there are days where the hate messages, the hostility, and the threats bring me to a point where I feel like things would be so much better for myself, for others, and for society if I just went away. And I know I'm not alone. A commonly cited (and often misquoted) statistic is that, at some point in their life, approximately 41% of transgender youth attempt suicide... because this post isn't about suicide awareness, I'm not going to try to provide correct context to that number, but I am going to say that I certainly believe that a significantly large percentage of transgender individuals, both youth and adult, have thought about it, a smaller but certainly still significant percentage have seriously considered it or have made a concrete plan, and a horrifyingly decent percentage of them attempt it. And I can understand why: 

I'm sure that if you've lost friends, family members, significant others, careers, livelihoods, status, safety, housing, credibility, or have been a topic of debate amongst a ton of people who have no idea what the fuck they are talking about even though their uneducated decisions have very real consequences on your life, had rights (to adequate care, safe bathrooms, representation and visibility, job protections, and so on) either stripped from you or on the line every single election year, have been mischaracterized as "groomers," "predators," "pedos," been the recipient of constant hate messages, attacks, doxing, or even death threats, I'm sure you'd be suicidal too! 

And to those who don't think it's that bad, or think that a queer person is being soft or weak for being negatively impacted by all of it, I'd say that you're just as big a part of the problem as those who have abandoned, harassed, or hurt queer people. Everyone, no matter how strong they are, will break at some point. Everyone! 

BUT...

Whether you know it or not, every single one of you has someone who you matter to. I am beyond blessed that, when I come home, my person is there waiting for me (or if she's gone, I'm there waiting for her). I know that if something were to happen to me, it would be devastating to her. It would be devastating to many, but especially her! And I simply can't do that to her. I think of the pain I'm feeling at my lowest moment and recognizing that, if I gave into that pain, it would inflict a pain a thousand fold on her! And I can't do that... I WON'T DO THAT! 

I'm pretty fucking blessed in that area though. I met the most amazing woman my freshman year of college, fell instantly in love, and somehow won her over to loving me. While in the period of struggle before transitioning, we had lots of struggle and arguments, but made it through (not everyone does), and are still happily together. I know many trans people who lost their partner well into their, or after completing their transition, so I always keep that thought in mind, but even then, as long as she wants me to be in her life, I WILL be in her life, and will be there for her. 

Many of you may not have that person waiting for you to come home at the end of the day, or that person to roll over towards you in bed to snuggle. Many of you may have had that, but lost it. But significant others are only one type of person that you can make happy. If you're a part of any kind of social network, there's a high chance that you've made a number of friends that actually look forward to your posts/updates/milestones. If you're a part of a support network, there are others in that support network that look up to you. If you're a teacher, I can almost guarantee you that you have at least one student whom you make happy. What I'm getting at is that all of you have someone who you make happy, whose life is better because you are in it, and who would be devastated if you left. 

So stay for them. 

There was a good song that, ironically was sung by someone who eventually took their own life, Chester Bennington (of Linkin Park) called One More Light. The chorous to the song says: 

If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We're quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do

 Stay for the "I" and I promise you there are many more "I's" in your life than you think! 

Just as an aside, I know this is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY easier said than done. Please don't take what I'm saying as a dismissal of that reality. We all have moments of weakness, and I think that too many people take offense at someone reaching that rock bottom point and attempting to end it (and I get that too), but please know that you are not alone, you DO matter, and someone will care if your light goes out. So if you need it, please get help... Here are a few resources for that: 

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/ (The Trevor Project)

https://pflag.org/resource/support-hotlines/ (PFLAG... They have a good list of agencies that can help). 

https://988lifeline.org/ (988 - Suicide Hotline)

Even just texting someone you love (and is safe to you!) and saying "I need help!" can make all the difference in the world:

I mentioned earlier that while I haven't seriously considered suicide in a long time, it's not "never." In 2015, I was in a deep bout of depression, and while watching a train approaching the platform I was at, I seriously thought about jumping in front of it... Instead, I got on that train, had a MAJOR mental breakdown, and just so happened to get a phone call from my stepmom... she realized that I was in really bad shape and intervened. That day was my rock bottom. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't asked for help. There's a good chance I wouldn't be writing this right now. 

So please... stay for them! 

Hugs,

Alicia

I'm not a man in a dress!

Harry Styles rocking a dress for Vogue. This was seen as a pretty big deal.

Every morning when I get up, I have a normal (albeit unhealthy) routine of check my social media, email, blogs, and just getting myself caught up on the morning's gossip. Part of that is checking out some of my favorite transgender social media accounts and blogs, like my friend Hannah's. This morning, she made a post on her X/Twitter/WhateverMuskIsCallingIt about the idea that if there wasn't a stigma around men wearing women's clothing, more men would do so. And I agree wholeheartedly, and I love the idea of people being unfettered from the gender norms and expectations, specifically around dress. In addition to Harry Styles, many other men have embraced the skirt or the heels, or adding clothing that is traditionally considered "women's clothing" to their wardrobes. 

Mark Bryan, the man in a skirt... let's be real though... he's got some KILLER LEGS!!!!

As I was beginning to transition, a well meaning friend sent me this blog, which featured Mark Bryan, a man who wears a skirt, heels, boots, etc to work all the time: https://www.boredpanda.com/confident-man-wears-heels-skirt-markbryan911/ Holy crap, doesn't he look amazing!?!? And he's not the only one. You'll find many instances of men who, for a millions reasons from comfort to wanting to make a social commentary, rock those cute outfits and show that men can wear dresses!

But that's not who I am. It just isn't. And I'm thankful for that. As I mentioned above, that blog about Mark Bryan came from a wonderful, well meaning friend, and it wasn't the only one I got from supporters. Several people showed me articles, images, and profiles of men who were breaking the cistem (See what I did there?) and showing me that men can wear dresses and look fabulous in them. And it made me feel good, excited and also a peace with something... 

I am not a man in a dress... I don't care what bigots, trolls, haters (including those who may find this blog) or others who claim to be "experts" (mostly graduates from MAGA University) say. I am not a man in a dress...

I am a transgender woman... and transgender women are women... therefore, I AM A WOMAN! 

My wife and I got to me THE Jonathan Van Ness a few months ago.

When I see men who are embracing clothing considered more feminine, or non-binary people like Jonathan Van Ness or Alok Vemon, I pump my fist in celebration of them. But I have to admit that, for a short time, I tried to distance myself from them, and the reason why was because so many people use them as an example of "see, you can wear dresses too," when, while I love wearing dresses (take this dress from my cold, dead body!!!!), this is all so much deeper than that. 

Honestly, growing up, I never felt like one of the boys. I never wanted to play sports or roughhouse. I was a spoiled brat who stayed home and played with LEGOs and Video Games, while watching the Weather Channel... not that any of those things were inherently feminine. I also always felt more comfortable around the girls, but our gender-obsessed society always lumped me in with the boys. It wasn't until high school when a girl I met in my senior year AP English class befriended me and decided to invite me to hang out with her group of friends, mostly girls. Her name was Alicia... and YES, she was the person who inspired my name (she knows... I never hid that from her when I came out). I ended up going to prom with that group, and keeping in touch with a lot of them. Then in college, I got HEAVILY involved in the Evangelical Church, and they were pretty obsessed with guy only/girl only nights. They were also very obsessed with the idea of staying in your lane gender wise. I had a lot of amazing memories there, but also mourn the reality that I, as Alicia, would never be welcome in those spaces without some pretty huge conditions (such as detransitioning). What's funny is one night, I remember hanging out at a house party, and all of the guys were in one room hanging out while all of the ladies were in another room just chatting... I felt no connection with the guys, but instantly felt at home with the girls. That wasn't a game changer, but it was yet another reminder that I wasn't a man. 

For me, it wasn't just about wearing a dress. It was about something else. It was about feeling more comfortable in my skin, feeling more in my element with people, and being able to express my true self and be useful to the world as my true self. There's a reason why I don't just throw on a dress in the morning and walk out the door... I still, to this day, have about an hour long morning regimen that, as Terrence, I would have knocked out in 15 minutes. And it's worth every second when I get to see the finished product... someone who is feminine, has some curves, long(er than I used to) hair, and softening skin. It's also becoming so special when, even after taking off the dress/makeup/etc, I can STILL see some curves as I slip on my night dress... still see more feminine features than I used to have. I see him less and less every day, and her more and more! That goes well beyond just items of clothing, or even makeup. It goes to being more in place with who you are. Who I am. 

Fuck what others say... I am a woman!

 

A woman! 

Hugs! 

-Alicia