I dress to feel beautiful... For Me! For Me!

A dirty bathroom selfie... of a very pretty outfit

 

Growing up, there was a handful of movies that I absolutely loved. Twister, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (one of the few franchises where the sequel was better than the original, but let's not talk about the third one), Independence Day, and many others. But one of my favorites, and I argue to this day doesn't get enough credit, was Rocky IV. Now I'm not going to bore you to death with the plot of the movie, but there was a scene near the end of the movie where Ivan Drago, the main antagonist in the movie, lifts up a Soviet Politician, throws them into the crowd, and yells "I fight to win... For me! For me!" 

It's a scene where we see a little bit of the true passion and humanity in Drago's robotic-like persona, and I'm sure nearing the end of the Cold War (when the movie came out... it's as old as me!), Americans ate this scene up. But one of the points of the scene that I took away was that while we may need to play the system, benefit the system, and be benefited by the system, at the end of the day, our lives are just that... ours. While I'm sure Drago knew the consequences of losing (his reputation being shot, losing credibility, and possibly a long sentence in a gulag for throwing a Russian politician into the crowd), at the end of the day, he didn't want to win for Russia, for his coaches, or even for his reputation... but for himself. 

Now how does this relate to me? Welp, as I began exploring who I was as a transgender woman, one of the things I soon realized was that there seemed to be an unspoken rule about how women were to present themselves, what was too casual/too dressy/too revealing/too prudish, and frankly, it felt to me like the only "safe" choices were to wear very plain, inoffensive, and simple things. And that sort of flew into the face of what my identity was and how I was embracing it... obviously there is more to my gender identity than clothing, but I sort of felt like I was going back to square one if I had to be that "safe" about what I wore... I might as well just go back to being Terrence... At first, I really didn't care because I was just dressing as Alicia at home, or maybe in few limited spaces. But as it quickly became apparent that the rubber was starting to meet the road in terms of my transition, I realized "Oh shit! I no longer have to just think about weekend looks or looks for home... my heels are going to be clicking into a classroom VERY soon!" 

Excited, but nervous, I started running looks by everyone, and one of the things I've found is that everyone's opinion on what is/isn't appropriate was very inconsistent. One person would say a dress was too short, another would say that it was fine. One would say that I should wear a cardigan over anything that had small (or non-existent) sleeves, others implored that sleeveless dresses were professional, and completely okay. One said anything faux-lather was more of a date night look, while another would say that it was chic and very professional (as long as I'm not wearing tons of it in a suggestive way). One person told me that women NEVER wear dresses, and that I would always be overdressed. Others told me that my sense of fashion was spot on. And all of these differing opinions first frustrated me, but ultimately freed me! What I realized was that, with obvious exceptions (I'll share more on that below), that I could wear what the heck I wanted, style it how I felt was best, and just plain enjoy the main feeling I was going for... feeling beautiful! 

Let me be crystal clear on this point... I wanted to FEEL beautiful, knowing that what does/doesn't look beautiful is a very subjective matter. Also, I wanted to be aware of some harsh but true realities... I'm 340 pounds (hence the "Fat" in Fat Trans and Fabulous), Have a balding crown (that I've learned to adequately cover up), and haven't had much in the way of gender affirming cosmetic work to look more feminine... besides the effects of Hormone Replacement Therapy. I can work hard to become more physically appealing, better looking, and um, passing (passing is a term used commonly in the transgender community to refer to looking unequivocally like the gender you identify as... in short, passing means that you don't "look trans."). And yes, I am and have been taking steps towards those things, but at the end of the day, why? Is it because I want others to think I'm a BBW (Big, Beautiful Woman)? Am I trying to get dates? Am I trying to impress others with my appearance? Am I trying to meet the standards of others? Am I trying to get down to a "normal weight" so I'll "pass easier"? 

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! 

I say that with emphasis because, frankly, I care very little about what others think, consider "normal," or what I need to do to be more beautiful than someone else. First, I'm happily married, so I'm not looking to pick anyone up, or even get anyone's "attention" (seriously... this past weekend, I had a drunk guy at a bar I was at start hitting on my wife Jamie and I, and he was getting handsy with me... YUCK! The rest of the people I was with got him to leave us alone, and I made sure Jamie was safe). Second, while I know there is some "fun" in trying to compete with other women (trans and cisgender!), I don't feel like I need to compare myself to others in this way... I already do that so much in other areas of my life that the stress is simply not worth it to me. While there are things I want to improve (my weight... I don't mind being big, but it would be nice to drop a few dress sizes, at least for my health), they aren't about making myself more appealing to others. No, there's really only one thing that motivates me in how I look.. how it makes me feel! 

In short, the cute dress I wear to work, those boots that have the cute but not hard to walk in heels, my favorite faux-leather jacket? My makeup? My hair? It's all for me...

For me! 

Now let me be clear about a few things though: 

I wish this was an actual vow renewal, but we're working on that.

First, I do take my wife into account. Jamie is the most amazing person on this planet, absolutely beautiful in my mind, and someone who I am still pursuing (though I'm sure he has MANY problems with my "lifestyle," a very important piece of wisdom my old pastor bestowed on me was "Continue to pursue your wife... don't just think because you're married that your pursuing is done." I'm paraphrasing, so if he see's this, while I'm sure he'd have bigger fish to fry with me, I hope he won't be mad if I accidentally misquoted him). And I do check in with her about how she is feeling about my appearance, my style, and a question I regularly ask her is what can I do to make Alicia "attractive" to her (when she married me, I was Terrence, and I looked very differently then... I know that this wasn't what she signed up for, and while I understand that her view of me physically may change as I transition, I also want to continue finding ways to maintain our attraction to one another... she's made my job of being attracted to her very easy... she's stunning... but I know I have work cut out for me). I think a lot about "what will Jamie think about this?" when I plan my outfits. I can't put into words how much she lights my spirit up when she compliments on how I look. But, besides soliciting input and working on how I can be more attractive to her, I have to admit that she'd still love me if I was wearing a trashbag, and so while I don't take that for granted, I also don't devote all the time in the world to selecting what I wear based on what Jamie thinks. It's funny because I used to be quite the opposite about her... I ALWAYS tried to get her to try wearing certain things, new styles, and looks that, um, well, turned me on. While I'm sure every significant other does that a little bit of that with their partner, I was overly pushy about it... I made her feel less beautiful because I was always trying to get her to dress up. There are only a handful of things I did in the past that make me think "woah, that was absolutely stupid of me," but that's one of them. I will admit that Jamie really expanded her horizons of fashion because of it, but at the end of the day, I was just transferring my desire to dress up to her. Again, don't get me wrong... I still love it when I see her all dressed up, but I don't dwell on it like I used to. I used to pressure her into dressing up for me when she should have only been doing it for herself. So in short, I absolutely take Jamie's thoughts into account with what I wear, but I don't hinge on them because I feel like that would put a lot of pressure on her. 

I ADORE this Torrid x Betsey Johnson gown... but you won't see me wearing it to work! 

 

Second, I also know time and place when it comes to what I'm wearing. I love my evening gowns (the gown in the picture above is the 2023 edition of a dress that Torrid and Betsey Johnson have collaborated on for several years now... I have all four versions of it!), but I'm not going to wear those into the classroom because, well, that's not the place for them! It would look silly, make no sense, and it just isn't the time and place for them. In that case, it's not about squashing my freedom, it's about knowing where and when something is appropriate. This beautiful gown was perfect for the Silicon Valley Pride Winter Ball that I wore it to. I even find excuses to wear a gown to... but most settings aren't conducive to them. If anything, that makes me cherish when I do get the opportunity to wear them. This same concept also goes for things that are more appropriate for a weekend by the pool, or a birthday party, or in the bedroom. I have cute halter dresses, a few bathing suits, and even a few pieces of lingerie that I love wearing. But I'm not going to wear them to work because they either give off the wrong impression, are inappropriate, or would be distracting. Obviously dress codes are also a thing... but I'm not too worried about that because they are oftentimes more a matter of common sense, rather than some thing I need to think much about. 

But all of that being said, when I put on a cute dress, a pair of heels, some makeup, and get myself all pretty, I may be mindful of who will see it, what environment I'm going to be in, and certainly how my wife would feel about it, but at the end of the day, there's only one reason why I'll wear those things.

Because they make me feel beautiful! For me! For me!