Cha-cha-cha-changes!

 

Like a caterpillar goes through major changes in its life, so do we. And the results of those changes are equally beautiful.

 

Maybe it's the headache or dizziness I'm feeling right now, or the fact that a lot of people are on my heart right this moment, but I can't seem to get any work done... so I'm going to take a break and write this blog instead to get my thoughts out, and hope that any of you reading it will benefit from it. 

A lot of people in my life right now are going through changes, and it's become dizzying. I don't want to name names, but I'll just give a few examples of the changes I'm seeing:

• In the last month, two of my crossdressing friends have publicly come out as gay. 
• Another shared that she's started HRT.
• A podcasting friend of mine shared that her decade-plus long relationship with her partner is ending.
• And I, myself, just joined a Gym... that may seem insignificant compared to what my friends are going through, but it's still a change that I'm surprised by... I wrote all about my weight loss journey in my previous blog. 

These are just a few examples that are standing out with those who are in my life right now, but they aren't the only ones. 

It's making me reflect on one of the most beautiful elements of humanity and that’s our ability to evolve. As we grow and learn more about the world around us, we ultimately learn more about ourselves. What we learn about ourselves ultimately leads us to make changes accordingly to fit our new worldview.

As I mentioned above, I’ve seen this theme of change and evolution a lot in my community of friends, family, and acquaintances, and I just want to say that it’s such a beautiful thing. I’m seeing people learn more about the world around them, learn more about themselves, and make changes accordingly. I’m going through my own changes as I start to prioritize my health, so I too am evolving. 

But it's hard... and it's dizzying. We are raised to believe that things stay static... marriages last forever, people have the same job for 30+ years, a person's identity never changes. And so change is met with a lot of apprehension and even hostility. I'll use Savannah, my podcasting friend as an example of this... she devoted a couple of episodes of her (and her co-host Julie's) podcast "The Fox and The Phoenix Podcast" to reflecting on the end of her relationship, and the fear that she has lost credibility because of the end of her relationship... I really don't want to put words in her mouth, so go check out the podcast for yourself to hear her story. It's really good though. 

But what I will say is that there's nothing unnatural or invalid about what Savannah is experiencing. The same is true for my newly out gay friends or my friend who just started HRT.  What I want to say to all of them is that the “new you” doesn’t invalidate your past experiences or identities, nor does it make you a liar or a cheat for changing. I can remember back when I thought I was "just" (I'm cringing as I say that... crossdressers are not "just" crossdressers) a crossdresser, and never wanted to transition. I believed that wholeheartedly... I wasn't lying to Jamie, my family, or anyone else... it was my truth at the time. I believed it with my whole heart because, for me, it was the truth! But as I learned more about myself, learned more about this side of myself, and watched as excuse after excuse went down, I eventually came to the conclusion that I needed to transition... that Alicia was the next step in my evolution. What's funny is that I have a very different view about this from many of my transgender friends... my new identity as Alicia doesn't invalidate or erase my time and past as Terrence... a man... I don't consider Terrence my "dead name" and I certainly don't consider Terrence to be "dead." I instead view him as "retired..." committed to the archives of my life as a whole. Without Terrence, I wouldn't have the job I have, the wife I have, or the life I have... I can't look back on my past as Terrence and say "yeah... that was all a lie." No, at the time, it was very much my truth. Two things can be true at the same time... I lived 36 years of my life as man, started a career, found an amazing wife, made great friends, and so on... but I also felt like there was more to me than who I was at the time... I felt feminine, and wanted to express that femininity. Once I had the opportunity to do so, I learned new things about myself, and it changed who I am. I am a more complete, mature, and beautiful person now... just like a caterpillar, I've transformed into a butterfly. I see that in so many of the stories in my friends and acquaintances lives too. Just because you're now realizing you're gay doesn't mean that the relationship you had with a woman was a lie... it was your truth for so many years. Just because you're transitioning now doesn't mean that your past was a lie... it may have been your truth for so many years (but let me be careful too... I know so many trans people who do feel like their past was a lie... and that's valid too!). You're just working with new information. I know trans people who seriously never questioned their gender identity for many years only to have had an experience bring up a bunch of stuff that changed their perspective. 

That doesn’t mean it isn’t painful or costly. Evolution is painful and costly, but what comes out the other end is so beautiful, and so much better for having gone through the transformation. I've always wondered if caterpillars feel pain as they transform into butterflies... I wouldn't be surprised if they did... I mean, doesn't their entire body liquefy or something in the cocoon? That's gotta be painful. But I sure know we deal with pain as we change... My oldest brother, who I damn near worshiped growing up, no longer speaks to me because I transitioned. Marriages end when people come out. Jobs are lost, relationships are broken, and pain and loneliness oftentimes set in. I wish I had a cure for that, or a way to make it less painful... I unfortunately don't, but I will say that it's worth it in the end. 

So where am I going with all of this??? Honestly, I have no idea... it's more of a brain dump than anything. I just want to say that if you're experiencing major life changes right now that you aren't alone... I hope you have a community of loving people surrounding you, and that they can help shepherd you through the minefield that comes with change. I'm also here, so don't hesitate to reach out (I'm on FB and Instagram... don't hesitate to drop me a line). 

Love you all! 

Hugs!

Alicia  

Still Trans, Still Fabulous, but...

 

I can see this for myself in the future! She's beautiful, she's happy, she's realistic! 

...but MAYBE a little less Fat???  

So I started age 41 somewhat at a crossroads... I finally feel like the drama and fallout from the drama I wrote about here, and the phase of my transition that was so focused on finding sisterhood that I wrote about here, and here has passed. The very last piece fell into place during Keystone this year when my friend Olive, who one of the ladies I'd treated so poorly a couple of years ago, said to me, very explicitly, "you've never hurt me before," and for whatever reason, that gave me the last piece of closure on a chapter full of drama, depth, fallout, but also tremendous growth, amazing memories, and dare I'd say self improvement. I have my sisterhood now! I've either reconciled with those I wronged, or have at least had the chance to apologize and move on (unfortunately not everyone chose to forgive me, and I've made peace with that). I've made amazing memories, and simply feel more full of life. 

So what next? 

Welp, on Saturday, April 25th, 2026, I sat down with my Gender Identity Coach Jenn (https://www.jennspire.com) somewhat with the hopes of talking about what comes next. She saw me through so much of this last phase of my journey, has lauded my growth, challenged me in ways I could ever imagine, and helped me find balance with my gender identity and social presence (she's even trademarked a term "Nova Gender Equilibrium"). It was incredible to, while sitting there with her, reflect on how far I've come, and how much I've grown. After that, she asked me if I was ready to find out what comes next in my journey, and honestly, while I was open to whatever she had to say, there was one thing I was telling myself... 

"Alicia... you need to lose weight!"

I'm so thankful that's not how Jenn told me... that would have been depressing. But she did preface what she wanted to share as her vision for my next step with celebrating and reflecting on how much I've grown. Then she said that she'd been playing with AI (which I know people have their opinions on) to put something together with me, and then she showed me the image above... 

Talk about great minds thinking alike! So here's a little bit about me: I'm fat... I've always been fat... I'll probably always be fat... it's in the name of this blog. But I think there's a difference between being fat, and being morbidly obese, unhealthy, and just plan ridiculously large... and somewhere along my life, I crossed over that line. At my peak, I weighed 379 pounds, and was making a Naruto run towards 400! I needed to buy a second seat just to fly! Torrid, a plus sized store well known for supporting both large and LGBTQ+ bodies, barely carries any of my sizes in their brick-and-mortar stores. Walking from my car to my office (just a few feet) would wind me. I'd run out of breath just trying to teach my classes. 

It was bad... real bad. And it needed to change. 

But nothing motivated me to change. I tried Ozempic, compounded Semaglutide, counting calories, everything but actually eating better and exercising. I felt like that Ned Flanders meme...

I'll admit that I'm on a GLP1 + GIP medication now that is moderately helping me, but I can't say that it's the big difference maker here... 

But that image at the top of this blog was, for some reason, what finally woke me up. Jenn didn't say anything stern to me... she didn't say anything at all in fact. She just shared her screen and gave me a moment to take in what she was showing me. 

And it clicked...

This isn't about "you need to lose weight..." it's about finally giving myself access to a life that is so much better than the already amazing one I have. It's about unlocking my true feminine potential. It's about being happier and healthier. And it's about enjoying a long life that I've been depriving myself of by overeating, poorly eating, and doing absolutely nothing. 

And even though it's an just AI-generated image, the woman in that image at the top of this blog seems so real... so joyful... so feminine... so beautiful... and so ME!!! But what I love best about her, is that she is REALISTIC for me!!! She's me minus 100 pounds... hell, my best friend Natalie just went on a beautiful weight loss journey where she lost about that much (that's her story to tell, not mine). I've seen motivational weight loss videos that show people achieving such a weight loss (and even more). And for the first time... ever... I can see it for myself. The woman in that image shows me how I could look if I prioritize my health. She doesn't need an extra seat on a plane... she can walk and hold a conversation without losing her breath... she can go to any plus sized (and even some straight sized) clothing stories and find a wealth of beautiful clothes to try on... she doesn't look like a college professor, but instead looks like a fucking DEAN or College Vice President... she looks like someone that people can turn to for support and guidance... she looks like a leader... she looks like she has a fulfilled life... she looks like she's owning the world. I see so much of myself in her... and so much potential in myself when I see her. 

Jenn and I spent the rest of our session talking about what it would look like to work towards becoming her. What I would need to do, and how I could do it. It wasn't simply a conversation about dieting and exercising, but instead about finding what truly works for me. We looked at the tools I already had available to me (like my compounded tirzepatide medication, Apple Fitness, Noom, etc... some of these, I was already paying for), and came up with a plan. 

I left the session so excited that I went out for a walk... I was winded the entire time, and it took so much out of me just to get through that walk. I even needed to take a break halfway through the walk. But I was proud of myself for doing it. I shared about my session with people, and that I was going to start walking and watching what I was eating. I logged onto my Noom app for the first time in a long time and logged in my breakfast and lunch... and then I ate a more sensible (though still not healthy) dinner, and went to bed. 

I woke up the next morning hungry and was about to order Carl's Jr via Doordash... but then I thought "no... I can do better than that," got my sneakers on, and went for a short walk to Starbucks instead for breakfast. I ordered what I'd usually order, and felt aghast as I logged it into my Noom app at how many empty calories I'd just consumed. But I walked there... and then took a long route home. My second day of walking...

That was 44 days ago...

Today, I took a longer walk (1.4 miles to be exact) during my lunch break, after eating my meal prepped lunch. I even closed my exercise ring... for the 41st out of 45 days since that day. Yesterday, I took a 4 mile walk and it barely winded me... I was even able to do a live stream during it and carry on a conversation. I'm walking and talking again! It took a while, but one mile turned to two miles, turned to three miles, which is how much I've been walking a day for the past week. I'm closing my move and exercise rings on Apple Fitness practically everyday now, and closing my stand ring when I can remember to stand up enough. I've mostly given up diet soda, switching it out for iced tea, and... gasp... WATER. I've found several healthy meal alternatives when I eat out (hello grilled teriyaki chicken at Panda Express!), and I'm cooking at home more. I've even taken a liking to chia seed pudding... yummy! Especially with vanilla yogurt and mixed berries. I haven't fully turned away from Philly Cheesesteaks... I just don't eat them on the weekly anymore. I only drink alcohol on the weekends, and when I do, it's a beer or two, not a four pack like I used to dome regularly. I've been swapping out higher calorie foods for leaner proteins and healthier alternatives. I have an appointment to look into a gym membership...

And it's paying off! I'm currently at 349 pounds (down THIRTY POUNDS from a month and a half ago!)... my goal was to reach 350 by the end of June... I did it three weeks early! And it's steadily declining. You know what else has declined? My resting heart rate has plummeted since I started walking... that's a very good sign! Like I said, I can walk and talk again. My clothes are starting to fit differently. It's incredible! 

...and it's just the beginning. 

Listen, I'll always be plus sized. I'm never going to have a 28" waist... I don't even want one. But I can get a lot healthier, get my weight down to a more reasonable level (my ultimate goal weight is 250 pounds, and I know I can do it!), and get more confidence. I know I can do this, and I know I need to do this. I deserve to be healthier and happier. My friends and family deserve to have me healthier and happier. Transitioning has very much felt like getting a new lease on life, and I believe that I'll be a better steward of that life if I lose this weight and get healthier. I feel like the sky is the limit for me right now, and I know that the woman in that top image can be me... will be me... IS me! 

This is just the beginning of this journey. Stay tuned!

Hugs!

-Alicia