The Great Depression of 2015, Prologue: The Sugar Rush

 

I mean, he was one of the fathers of Calculus... he has to be correct, right!?!?

This blog post is the first in a series of posts I'm going to make about what was probably the most formative 3-year period in my life, what I call "The Great Depression of 2015." I'm mostly writing this blog as a way to reflect on the period from roughly 2014-2016 where so many things happened to completely rewire who I am, leading to so much of who I am today. While I call it "The Great Depression of 2015," that's primarily the apex of this season... there was a period of boom and bust in 2014, followed by a long, but joyful recovery in 2016, and the entire story can't be told by just focusing on the low point in 2015. While I'm writing this mostly for myself, it would be such a joy to find out that somebody got something useful out of this series... if you happen to be someone who did, feel free to let me know, and I'd love to share your experience. 

I'm not going back any further than 2012, so there may be some context missing in this first post, but I'll try to make it make sense as best as I can.

It was a warm late January afternoon in 2012. I had just come from a conference in New Orleans a couple of days beforehand, and I intentionally missed my connecting flight home (Southwest was cool with it at the time, so I just went with it), instead staying in Southern California. The past two days I'd holed up at a friend's house, intentionally being very careful with where I went so as to not run into somebody specific... my girlfriend Jamie. You see, I was hiding from her, so much so that I'd intentionally booked a flight home so she'd see that I couldn't be available during this time. Yeah, I lied... but I don't think she'd mind once she found out WHY I was hiding. You see, that late January afternoon was actually our 8th year anniversary, and I was going to surprise her. I'd lied to her only because she was insistent on coming up to see me that weekend, but I needed her to stay down in So Cal so I could surprise her, and so she could have many of her friends and sorority sisters around her to celebrate... you see, I wasn't just down to surprise her and take her to dinner... no, in my coat pocket, I had an engagement ring ready to pull out that night after dinner when we took a walk to the same lighthouse we went to on our first date. I'd gone to the lighthouse a few hours early to walk around and figure out where to pop the question, as well as where to station the person who would be recording the moment. I also got there early to make sure I got us a table at the restaurant I was taking her to (they didn't do reservations, and easily had an hour wait on Saturday nights). A few hours went by, and it was go time! Her best friend/sorority big sister brought her to the restaurant on the pretense that they'd be enjoying dinner together, only for me to walk out and surprise her... I'd say the big sugar rush I'm writing about here began the moment she saw me and started jumping up and down and clapping with joy! She was thrilled, and it was magical. We chatted for over an hour over our food, and then I took her on a walk over to the same lighthouse we had gone to on our first date. We got up there, made some small talk, and then I got a message from her sorority sister that everybody was in place, and her finance was behind us ready to start recording. At that moment, I knew there was no going back, so I began changing the subject... I told Jamie that I'd been weighing a major decision over the past few months, and after much prayer and talking about it with others, I'd actually brought Jamie up here to break the news to her, and that we could talk about it for as long as necessary afterwards (I mean come on, being the drama queen I am, this was totally how it had to go!). I then said "I don't know what's going to happen to me in the next few years... but I do know that whatever it is, I want you to be there with me for it. The song says 'Love is wherever I'm with you...' I want to come home." I then dropped down to one knee and asked her to marry me. Her reaction was special... she let out a huge yelp, started crying, and then said "REALLY!?!?" I confirmed that yes it was, and she very quickly exclaimed "Yes! Of Course! Do you know how long I've wanted this for!?!?" We then had a big hug with lots of tears and happiness! Seconds later, I told Jamie that someone was behind us taking pictures, and we turned and waived hello. Her friend made her way up the hill to congratulate us, and the four of us piled into a small car and drove to a nearby apartment where an engagement party was waiting to greet us. 

The greatest night of my life up to that point. And no, I don't mind that it happened as Terrence, but I'd love to re-live it as Alicia!

That night was so special for a number of reasons obviously but one big one was that it was a turning point. See, 2010 and 2011 hadn't been the best of years, and while things were looking up by the end of 2011, I wouldn't personally mark the end of that funk until this magical night. I'd been such an awful person in so many ways in the months beforehand (including attempting to come out in April of 2011, which was a total disaster!), yet to see the way Jamie reacted to me proposing, and to see the general jubilation that everyone had for us, it was clear that the tide had turned. Normally, engagement season isn't too thrilling for the groom, but as we all know now, I was pretty much just another bride at the point... only I couldn't wear a wedding gown. By the way, Jamie knew ALL about Alicia LONG before this night... in fact, she'd known before we'd even started dating. I've never hid it from her, and I'm blessed that she's stayed with me the whole time... in fact, when I came out, she was there for me to help wipe up the tears. But anyway, I was thrilled to have a say in the wedding, helping pick out cake, colors, invites, etc. Of course, being the bride, Jamie got to have top pick of everything, but it never felt like I was just an accessory to the whole thing (which is honestly a ridiculous way of starting out a marriage, and I'd argue one of the many reasons that the divorce rate is so high...). So the fun began! 

At the same time, I also figured out my Thesis topic (I was a grad student at the time), watched as the research all came together, and began seeing the finish line for my master's degree. I can't say it was all good though... I acted out quite poorly during my 27th birthday season, and drove my roommate to abruptly move out (I can't take all of the blame for that, but I certainly didn't help the situation). But again, the trend was in the right direction. 

That summer, I had an internship in Colorado that my thesis advisor had aggressively pushed onto me (though I'm glad she did)... what I feared would be twelve weeks of 80 hour work weeks and sleeping under my desk was actually a very rewarding internship, accompanied by weekends of hiking, drinking craft beer (I became a beer nerd during that summer), and enjoying Colorado weather. Honestly, it was an amazing summer, and by the time I'd left, I'd finished practically all my Thesis research and Literature review, took a train back to California (by choice!), and had my first teaching gig waiting for me back at home. Teaching went very well, my writing came along great, and I also finished my coursework with a BANG (I was taking, by far, the most difficult class in the entire program, and doing very well at it). By the time the world was supposed to end (this was 2012 afterall), I was riding high, the sadness of 2010 and 2011 left in the dust, and so much excitement for 2013 up ahead. 

This would sound like a good time for a shoe to drop... but nah! 2013 started in a great place... I had a conference in Austin, Texas (not far from where my family lives), and then a miniature train trip (I'd gotten into train travel by this point) from Austin to LA by way of Chicago (it was such a treat!). I'd say I got my first taste in wedding stress the following week, but it was mostly productive and positive. By the end of the week, we'd confirmed our wedding date: August 24, 2013... exactly ten years to the day we met! 

Once I made it back to school, I was surprised to find out that another class had been offered to me, and I was able to smoothly finish up. My thesis defense was three days after my 28th birthday, and I honestly didn't feel stressed going into it. By this point, I knew exactly what I needed to do, so I just did it. My feedback and revisions from my Thesis committee were relatively minor (like, could be done in an afternoon minor), so within a week, my thesis was out for signatures... I'd feared that my advisor would hold out on signing like she did with one of my colleagues, but I'd put some pressure on her with a hard move-out deadline, and a week before that deadline, she signed, and I was officially done (minus the tiny proofreading/formatting stuff that I paid someone to do... best $150 investment I could have made). I then packed all my stuff up, turned in my keys, gave everyone goodbye hugs, and jumped on a bus home to Southern California. I can remember the weekend I came home, Jamie and I were at her best friend's wedding, and as we were slow dancing, I remember looking at her eyes and saying "I'm back! For good!"

Funny enough, that wasn't true... I'd saved up a little money to do something selfish for myself one last time before getting married. I'd purchased a two-week rail pass on Amtrak, and essentially lapped the country (LA to Portland to Seattle to Chicago to Boston to NYC to DC to New Orleans to Chicago and down to San Antonio to see my family before heading back to SoCal) to both celebrate my Masters' degree, and to enjoy one last adventure as a bachelor(ette). I slept on trains, in Motel 6s, had very little rest, and a lot of junk food, but it was the most amazing way to celebrate, and something I'd love to do again (this time with my wife and better sleeping arrangements). Then I came home and began the final wedding push (and also had a pre-career conference and two root canals... one just three days before the wedding!!!), but on August 24th, 2013, we said I Do, and began our lives together! 

The day we became one. Even though I wasn't Alicia, this was and still is the happiest day of my life!

The day, and the honeymoon, were like a dream come true! We took an Alaskan cruise, spent a night in Seattle and a few nights in Portland, took a sleeper car on the train ride up (yeah, we were really into trains... mostly me, but Jamie really enjoyed it too!), and had a fun, care-free time. By the time we got home, we were on a high. Our first night home was really rough, honestly. Not because we were having a fight, but because we were both kind of down. At the time, I'd called it spiritual attack, and it probably was. 

Over the next two months, I'd say I went into a little funk... some peaks have a tiny dip in them, and this was one of those. With graduating, traveling, and the wedding behind me (and us), now came the reality that, honestly, I didn't know what comes next. My degree wasn't officially conferred until mid-October, so I couldn't start working yet (I probably could have, but Jamie, I, and our surrounding support system felt the time would be best spent adjusting to married life together since we kind of had the luxury of being able to do that, so we waited until I was officially awarded my degree before I started looking for adjunct teaching positions, and even then, we both had the understanding that I'd start out slow so I could get better at teaching. This was probably one of the biggest privileges I had in all of this, and also one of the reasons we married right after I was done with grad school... otherwise, we probably would have waited another year until I was more stable). But honestly, in that season, I felt worthless... I felt like a leech and a burden to Jamie. I'm honestly really thankful I felt that way... it drove me to push in and make getting a job my job for the time being. I'm thankful I was eager to get started, and thankfully, everything fell into place pretty quickly. I got a small tutoring gig and a little bit of unemployment money to tide me over (not that we needed it, but at least it felt like I was contributing SOMETHING to our household). In early November, just weeks after officially getting my degree, I was offered my first teaching gig teaching lab classes at Fullerton College. Now I felt like I just needed to get through the year and I'd start working. By the end of the year, I'd heard about another opportunity all the way in Rancho Cucamonga (like 50 miles away from where I lived! Oh, and I didn't drive at the time!), and for whatever reason, I felt called to pursue it... the classes I was offered couldn't work with my schedule, but then just days into 2014, I was suddenly offered two classes on days that would work perfectly for me, and at a time where it would be possible to commute out there by bus/train... like I said, I was hungry and eager, so teaching two classes 50 miles away consisting of a significant amount of material I'd never taught before was something I was willing to do. And I'm glad I did. 

So going into 2014, it felt like there was more promise on the way. But storm clouds were gathering...

I can't say the first couple of months of 2014 were bad... at worst, things were plateauing. We had a great first Valentines Day as a married couple, I was enjoying my new teaching gigs, and things were going well. But the first few bumps in the road ahead, while nowhere near what was to come, began to appear, and the sugar rush was starting to wear off...

The first domino came in early March of 2014... if what was to come could be likened to Lehman Brothers bankruptcy in 2008, this moment was more like BNP Parabas announcing in 2007 that some of it's holdings in Mortgage Backed Securities couldn't be accurately assessed for their value (basically, it was the very first sign that something was wrong)... I'd been pretty well settled into my teaching gigs, and was now getting ready for my first evaluation... while I was nervous, I was more eager to get feedback and see how I could improve. Instead, I was treated to a master class of how much I was doing wrong... I mean IT WAS BAD!!!! I bombed the evaluation... I can remember in mid-April getting my results in the mail, and reading them in our garage, almost bursting into tears because I felt like I wasn't cut out to be a teacher. I think the only thing that kept me from reconsidering my career was receiving a very good evaluation just a few days prior to getting that bad one in the mail. In hindsight, I definitely had made a lot of mistakes early in my teaching career, and my department chair was calling me out on them... BUT he also went out of his way after I received that evaluation to emphasize that he saw so much promise in me, and knew I could improve what I was doing... he's gone on to be an amazing mentor, friend, and ally! But at the moment, I was crushed. It felt like I had just come back down to Earth. 

Adding to that, less than a week after I bombed that evaluation, the church Jamie and I had been going to for almost 11 years announced that they were killing off the Young Adult ministry due to lack of leadership... while they'd promised "something for you in the Fall" (it was MARCH when this happened!), it felt like a lie (and turned out to be one). We'd been teetering with this church for a few months (long story), but this was the final straw... I had promised myself that I'd wait at least a year after we got married to look for another church if it came to that, and here we were having to do that a full six months early. I was angry, frustrated, defeated, and doubtful. The next week, we visited a campus of a megachurch that the church I went to in San Jose was modeled after (not the megachurch part, but the rest of how they did things). We sort of felt at home immediately. After a couple of weeks, we decided to plant our roots in that church... what we didn't know at the time was that the church was having a significant issue with congregational turnover, staffing, and more-so an egomaniac lead pastor whom wrote books and had books written about him. In fact, the storm we'd walked into was so bad, there's a whole podcast series about it called "The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill." That time bomb was still ticking when we arrived, and it didn't explode until a few months later... I'll share that in the next blog. At the same time, a time bomb at our old church was also ticking, and I genuinely believe that God called us out of that church when He did to protect us from that. But for the moment, leaving our old church gave us some stability. 

Going towards the end of Spring 2014, I was offered some summer classes at one of my college's satellite campuses, and things were wrapping up pretty well for Spring. Jamie and I were in a new church, while I'd bombed that one evaluation, I felt a lot better about the situation and had a decent improvement plan in place to address the concerns mentioned (and I did... the followup evaluation in Fall went very well!), I found a new radio show to listen to on the long rides to work (The Woody Show! YOU KNOW!), and Jamie and I got to do some Summer traveling with the extra money I was bringing in. So going into Summer of 2014, things were okay... we were thriving, I was digging into my career, making a little more money, and overall doing very well. 

Until Week 5 of that Summer class... I remember waking up on the Monday of Week 5 and feeling unusually tired. Thinking it was just a rough night's sleep, I pushed through my day, week, and the rest of Summer. But what I noticed was that it wasn't just one isolated morning... the next morning felt the same way... and the next... and the next... truth was, I was tiring mid-Summer. And I thought that getting through it and into my short Summer break would help... but it didn't 

The Sugar Rush was officially over... the Sugar Crash had begun... only this wasn't going to just be a sugar crash... considering I just came off of two and half years of high after high, this was going to be catastrophic... 

"Episode 1: The Sugar Crash" will come out when I feel like writing it... maybe sometime soon. Maybe not. But things you have to look forward to include the implosion of Mars Hill Church, a shocking event at my old church that kicked off a nasty split, the onset of brain fog on my part, a few work mistakes, my return to therapy, and blowing my first interview for a full-time position. Again, this series is being written as a way of processing this period of my life, which began some significant paradigm shifts in my life and I'd argue was a huge part of leading to who I am today. I don't think anyone is as interested in reading about three years of my history as I am about writing it, but if you feel that this story helps you in any way, I'd love to know. Feel free to contact me! 

Hugs,

-Alicia