The Joy of Sadness

Joy and Sadness from the Disney/Pixar movie "Inside Out"

 

My wife and I just got back from seeing Inside Out 2 (sequel to the popular 2015 Disney/Pixar movie Inside Out), and I have to admit that it was... well... fantastic! I was anticipating there being a huge part of the movie being devoted to Riley's navigation of crushes and all of the, um, adult stuff that comes with puberty. Instead, I, along with the many people who have seen the movie so far, were treated to an excellent and fun exploration of the ever-changing complexities of human emotion when someone enters the transition from a child to an adult. It feels like everything about who you are is challenged, rewired, reset, and amplified in your teen years. Being in my late 30's, my adolescence sometimes feels like an eternity ago, but it also feels very much like yesterday. To this day, there are core memories from my childhood that still drive who I am... now obviously there have also been many memories and experiences post-adolescence that inform my personality now too. I can go into an in-depth explanation of the complexities of human emotions, and how Inside Out 2 did a really good job exploring them in a way that parents and children alike could enjoy... but I'm neither a psychologist, nor a film critic. I also don't want to spoil the movie for anyone who goes to see it (there is one spoiler I'll mention at the bottom of this blog, but I'd hardly argue that it's essential to the plot and doesn't dampen the experience of watching the movie yourself... I'll preface it with a Spoiler Alert). But the one thing I will say is that the sequel did an excellent job of building on the plot and messages of the first one. It felt very much like the same story was being told, but in a deeper way that felt very much like what a good sequel needs to do.

One of the best things the movie did was build on the respect and value that Joy gained for Sadness in the first movie. Here, rather than dragging Sadness through a library of Riley's memories and treating Sadness as nothing but a burden until the very end, Joy shows trust for Sadness, and calls her to action in many instances in the movie. The first movie was a story about Joy realizing that, ultimately, she can't do everything for Riley alone, and in this movie, she applies that lesson time and time again; granted she has a whole new set of lessons to learn... and to teach others. 

That's pretty all I'm going to say about the second movie though. Because I really want to go back and revisit, what I considered, the core message from the first movie, at least what my deep-in-the-middle-of-a-deep-depression-self (the movie came out in Summer of 2015... right in the middle of my worst bout of depression up to this point in my life... and the only time I ever had a serious thought about ending my life) took from the movie, and treasures to this day. In the first movie, Joy was large and in-charge. Anger, Fear, Disgust, and Sadness were all treated as supporting characters to Joy's running of the show. Yet, as Riley got older and began confronting the realities that come with life (moving, being in unfamiliar territory, feeling like she had no place of belonging, and dealing with the consequences of her emotions), it became obvious that Joy simply didn't have the capacity, nor the skillset, to be everything Riley needed. Future situations would require not just the assistance of, but also the full blown leadership of the other four emotions. At the end, what we are left with is a Riley whose personality and passions were informed by complex memories... memories of anger, sadness, fear, disgust, and joy, and its the contributions of those individual emotions to the bigger picture that makes Riley a more well-rounded and mature person. For the first time in her life, she was capable of letting all of her emotions guide her, and she ultimately learned a lesson that is essential to thriving on Earth... "It's okay to NOT be okay!" (I think I've seen that on a bumper sticker, a meme, and on people's social media before). 

But let me delve specifically into the relationship between Joy and Sadness... both the emotions and the characters. We oftentimes see sadness as a bad thing; something that should be avoided or ignored. Feeling sad means that you are weak, or can't view a situation the right way, or just have a bad attitude. Instead, we are supposed to be joyful and always think positively; We are supposed to love every bit of our jobs, every bit of our families, every bit of where we live, who we know, and our situations, and to think otherwise means you're ungrateful, or a bad person. But honestly, it's oftentimes because we love those things and take joy in them that we encounter sadness (and anger/disgust/fear). 

Let me give an example... I absolutely LOVE my job! Every morning, I still pinch myself when I wake up, because I know I'm where I belong and I take great Joy in the things I get to do and the fruits of that work. Just earlier, I ran into a student at Target, and it made my night. That being said, whenever I see a student trying to take a shortcut around actually learning and applying what I teach, I feel sad (because while I do try to prevent such shortcuts, they are inevitable, and by taking them, the student is getting much less out of my course), I feel angry with how common those students are, disgusted with a system that puts grades over everything else (thus students place more importance on getting an A than actually understanding the material, and thus take those shortcuts to ensure getting an A for fear that simply trying to learn/apply the material the right way will "only" yield a B), and fearful that, if we allow this to continue, higher education will lose all of its remaining credibility (which means that many of us will lose our jobs). I could write a whole blog just about that. But these feelings aren't mutually exclusive. It's because I get so sad/angry/disgusted/fearful about apathetic students that I find so much joy in the students who are genuinely curious, show me that they learned something, or have a positive attitude about learning. And it's because I take so much joy in what I do (and in the educational process) that I get sad/angry/disgusted/fearful about the negatives. 

But let's do a thought experiment... what if EVERY student I ever encountered was one of the students I got joy in. Let's say that I never had a student cheat/act disrespectful/be too hard on themselves/do the myriad of things that cause sadness/anger/disgust/fear in me. What if everything was good in life... what if everything was coming up Joy in life... suddenly, that joy becomes cheap. It becomes run of the mill. It becomes no longer worth fighting for because it's not a fight to have it. Think of the greatest things to ever happen to you... now imagine if they were the everyday norm. Everyday, you're getting a promotion, making a new friend, achieving some kind of milestone. Every day is just incredible... over time, that "incredible" becomes just "normal," and Joy becomes just "Meh." Personally, I don't want to "meh" anytime a student comes up to me fascinated about the hail they saw over the weekend, or the beautiful lenticular cloud they saw over the nearby mountains. Frankly, dealing with the apathetic student makes the encounter with the fascinated student that much more joyful! And it's the joy I take in the fascinated student that makes a rough encounter with another student sad... and it's because I feel sadness that I try to help that student in any way I reasonably can. 

So I guess what I'm saying is that we need sadness so that joy can be so sweet! And we need joy so that our times of sadness have meaning to them. 

Okay, since this is a blog at least partially about being transgender, let's apply all of this to my gender journey...

WARNING: One minor spoiler alert below (but it doesn't ruin the movie... I promise!)

I don't want to talk about a bunch of new characters here (the main ones are Anxiety, Embarrassment, Envy, Ennui, and a very brief appearance of a kind old lady named Nostalgia) but I will talk about one that kind of struck me... "Riley's Deep, Dark Secret." Why though? Because the truth was that, until a few years ago, "Alicia" was my deepest, darkest secret, and I'd regularly refer to her as that. 

Riley's Deep, Dark Secret. What is it? You'll have to go see the movie (and stay until the end!)

I spent years in Small Groups (basically the preferred Christian terminology for "bible study") talking about a deep dark secret. I oftentimes refereed to having one deep, dark secret in conversations with people, and honestly felt (and still do) that, save for this one monster behind the vault, I was a pretty vanilla person. Well, in 2015, interestingly enough when the original Inside Out came out, Alicia was still very much behind that vault... however, as I was dealing with my aforementioned deep depression (which I'm going to start writing a blog on its own about), the locks on that vault were being slowly unlatched (I wonder what kind of crazy battle my emotions were having inside my head at the time, haha!). I was struggling with, and asking questions about a lot of things. I'd just seen two churches I was a part of implode almost simultaneously (one completing shutting down, and the other experiencing a nasty split that took years to recover from), and I was questioning a lot about how truly imperfect the systems we've put in place are (and I don't mean imperfect as in "nobody's perfect," but imperfect in a way that the very nature of sinful behavior, at least as it was taught to me, was being blended in almost like a mix-in for your ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery), and noticing things that I thought were pure were indeed infected with sin... sometimes beyond redemption. At the same time, I was extremely early in my career, honestly wondering if anything would come of it (I'd just bombed a job interview at a college I taught part time at and wondered if I was actually cut out for this line of work... truth was, it was because I wasn't ready, and something much better was waiting for me when I was ready!), feeling like an absolute burden to my wife (who, at the time, had to bankroll a decent portion of what we did), and still having my "deepest darkest secret" hanging over me. Adding to all of this complexity was something that I wasn't ready for and hit me like a freight train... I had a student transition genders in my class! She came the first four or five weeks presenting as male, and then one day began suddenly presenting as female. I was DEEPLY uncomfortable (not her fault!)... first, supporting transgender students was still such a new topic at the time that I had no experience, and therefore had no idea what to do... I kind of did nothing... but also because every time I saw this student in my class, she was like looking into a mirror... here was someone who had let her "deep, dark secret" out, and you could see the instant impact. I regret not cheering her on more, and I wonder how she'd feel if she found out that the professor of the class she transitioned during was herself transgender. All of this to say that, especially after coming off of an emotional sugar rush myself (again, I'll write a blog about that someday), there was a whirlwind of things that all collided perfectly in Summer of 2015 to create the perfect storm of sadness for me. But it was also incredible to see the role of joy in all of it. I was sad about feeling directionless in my career because I took so much joy in it... I was sad about being a burden to Jamie because her friendship, companionship, affection, and love bring so much joy to me, and I was terrified about dragging her down with me. I was sad about how things were doing in my faith because faith has been such a source of joy to me. I was sad about feeling stuck as Terrence because I knew (and was seeing firsthand from my student) that there would be so much joy as Alicia. 

My "deepest, darkest secret" out of the vault and with the robe off... I think she's beautiful!

Fast forward to 2024... 

I'm seven years into a full time job I love, and able to provide decently for Jamie. I take so much joy in those things. I'm now living my life out and proud as Alicia... my deep dark secret is now out and running around with joy (she is very beautiful once you get her out of the vault and take the robe off!). I'm seeing how my identity as Alicia has actually made me a better teacher and supporter to my students (just the fact that the number of queer and trans students taking my class has skyrocketed feels like a purpose has been met... I can't imagine the supportive environment a future trans student could find in my class... and I'd be there and ready to give it to them!). While I can't say that I've solved everything on the faith front (honestly, that nuclear apocalypse that happened in 2014 was a blow that my involvement in the Evangelical church never recovered from), I'm honestly in a much better place now than I was even two years ago. I've seen God's hand act so mightily in my life, and I've seen God carve a path for me during this journey. I have zero doubt that transitioning was a part of God's plan for me, and a few one liners in scripture thrown around recklessly can't convince me otherwise. 

But I also think Sadness has made me a more well-rounded person. I'm okay with being sad now. I know that being sad about something (whether a bad day at work, a new transphobic law passing, a falling out with a friend, a death in my family, or an argument with Jamie) isn't just okay, it's a part of being well rounded. Being sad when things are less than perfect is healthy... as is being angry, disgusted, or fearful. I feel those emotions regularly, and I can see how they intertwine with each other. I also can see how they contribute to threads of my sense of self (that will make sense if you see Inside Out 2). I see the roles that the other five new emotions play. I'm a more whole person because I have allowed these things to play a role in my life...

And I feel so much joy in my wholeness!

Hugs!

-Alicia