Here comes the Bride?

On August 24th, 2003, during the mingle time in my College Ministry Sunday School class (yes, I was quite the Evangelical for a while… EDIT: I feel it would be very unfair to say that I used to be Evangelical without proclaiming that I am still a firm believer in Jesus Christ and the Gospel. I’m just no longer what would be considered Mainstream American Christianity… I’m sure I’ll write more about that later), I saw this beautiful lady approaching me in the aisle of chairs in the classroom... I stepped out of the way to let her get back to her seat and said "here you go..." She responded by doing, to this day, the most out of character thing she's ever done... she gave me a very warm hug, and then said "hi! I'm Jamie." I was in love at first sight.

Exactly ten years later, on August 24th, 2013, she got to walk down a different aisle... as my bride! She was jaw-droppingly beautiful and just perfect in my eyes! I never had cold feet, and while I was stressed about the logistics surrounding the wedding, those all melted away the moment I walked into the church sanctuary for the ceremony. I was thrilled, the whole moment was magical, and to this day, I say that was the greatest day of my life (I'm sure Jamie would agree). 

The day we became one.

 

I don't have any shame about that day, nor do I regret it one bit (and just to clarify, I'm not talking about the whole marrying Jamie thing... that was still the best Earthly thing to ever happen to me.. and I hope to her as well... I'm talking about the fact that I was, um, him at the time). In fact, I share this picture proudly with people, we still have it hanging up in our messy home, and regardless of where my transition takes us, I have absolutely zero desire to hide it or pretend it never happened. That day was magic, and as crazy as this may sound, I'd change nothing about it. 

...that being said...

Wanna know how Wedding nights go down? So, exhausted, we returned to our statehouse room with the bed completely covered in rose petals and dollar bills (thanks to Jamie's Matron of Honor, who happens to also be named Jamie)... we counted the money, jumped into the bed, popped open the bottle of Sparkling Wine that came with the room, and... I spent the next hour pulling pins out of Jamie's hair! 

In case you're wondering, some of the... um... good stuff happened too, but not until much later in the night, and that's too private to write about in a public blog post. But before that, I also helped Jamie out of her Wedding Gown and some of the other stuff too, but before we put it away, I held the gown up to myself and just thought "what if..."(Jamie's always known about this side of me, so it wasn't a surprise, nor anything negative). 

What if... 

Fast forward nine'ish years, lots of life stuff happens, blah blah blah, I come out, blah blah blah, I start transitioning, we start talking about our ten year wedding anniversary and...

The topic of renewing our vows has come up... a lot! It started in Summer of 2022 when I was doing my first photoshoot with my friend Hannah, and had a cheap Torrid wedding dress that I brought to the shoot for fun...

Anxiously awaiting the arrival of my bride...

 

I shared this photo on Facebook about a year ago, and asked if anyone would be up for being part of a vow renewal ceremony... the response was overwhelming. So Jamie and I made the decision to go for it. The next month, we were shopping for a dress for Jamie to wear to the Silicon Valley Pride Winter Ball, and happened into a David's Bridal. After buying her a new dress, we had to bring it back the next day for alterations, and I just so happened to make an appointment with them to try on some wedding dresses with Jamie... and the results were incredible! 

I remember that night, texting a few of the photos of Jamie to our friend Jennifer and her immediate response was "come on now... I know you tried some on too! Don't hold back on me." (I'm paraphrasing, so don't be mad Jennifer if that quote was butchered), so I then sent a bunch more of myself too. 

We didn't commit to anything (though I did end up finding "The One!" that night, but didn't make it official for a few more months), but as we began to dream up of our ideal second wedding, there were a few things that we came up with (and a few things I suggested too). 

Everything else below is kind of a mental dump, but please feel free to stick along if you are interested.

1. Besides the dresses themselves, we want every vendor involved to be a friend who runs a small business... not for discounts or anything, but to support them. We want to hold the event at a friend's business (there's a cute teaspot in Berkeley, a couple of breweries in San Jose, and a Ciderhouse that we are looking at, all owned and operated by friends of ours), have a friend do the catering (there's this great catering company in Morgan Hill that makes bomb food!), have a friend do cookies (rather than wedding cake, we thought we'd hire our friend Kimmie, who makes these amazing cookies make us some cookies themed after our original wedding cake), hire a friend to do photography, and get some minimalist flowers for the whole thing. 
2. Despite the level of detail I went into above, we'd want it to be a low maintenance celebration. Less than 50 people, simple setup, nothing extravagant,. Honestly, I define it as a party with us wearing wedding dresses. 
3. Since Jamie had to deal with the hassle of preparing for a wedding already, I'd take the reins on this so she doesn't have to deal with the stress of it... BUT, and let me be very clear here, she still gets a say in everything because this is OUR celebration. 
4. This is not a "do-over" or anything like that... I am so happy for the 10+ years of marriage and soon to be 20 years of dating between the two of us... I have no desire to walk that back in any way shape or form. This would be a celebration of us making it so long, and a celebration of making it through my transition (up to this point anyway). It would be about celebrating all we have done, and inviting our friends into it. 

But if I had to be perfectly honest, there's a selfish component to it... I never got to be a bride, and now that I've accepted and embraced myself as a transgender woman who is happily married to the most amazing woman on Earth, well... I WANT TO BE A BRIDE!!! I want that experience... not just trying on dresses, but doing the whole thing... getting my hair done, a veil put into it, having bridesmaids help me into my gown, getting fancy makeup done, and that feeling of excitement of getting to walk down the aisle to an eagerly awaiting partner (my beautiful bride Jamie!) while holding a bouquet of flowers. And while I want that so much for myself, I'd also make sure Jamie got that too (one cool thing is that her original Matron of Honor is a staunch ally and supporter of us, and wants to be involved in the ceremony).

But, well... life happens. To be honest, 2023 wasn't the best year. Not a horrible year by any means, but I'm certainly not coming off the high I was in 2022. I spent the first three months almost completely crippled by an awful case of sciatica, ended up hospitalized three different times due to some kind of mystery swelling (which we've pinpointed to some kind of histamine reaction), had a horrible tooth infection that needed a root canal (but got really bad in the meantime), and then got COVID... and that was all in the first six months of the year. I had another swelling incident in September that I was able to quash with a plan of attack I came up with with the help of an allergen specialist, and have had really bad fatigue in the last few months of the year, but honestly, I'd say that I'm also just plain burnt out... from work, life, and everything. It's all good stuff, but I'm certainly limping out of 2023. In fact, I'd say my biggest goal for 2024 is to get rejuvenated and refocused.

All of that being said, planning for any kind of vow renewal has been on the back-burner for at least the past four or five months. We had a venue figured out... but then they went out of business :(. My friend Kimmie is still enthusiastic about making wedding cookies, and I have a catering place in mind... I just need to set it up once we get a date. But all of that being said, there's been little, if any progress. And I guess it makes me nervous about a few things: 

1. Have I waited too long? 
2. Do I talk about this too much. I'm sure some may think "just shut up and do it already!" 
3. I suck at event planning... as I've gotten older, I've realized that it just isn't my strength. Anything we come up with isn't going to be nearly as smooth as our original wedding. 
4. Will people come? We have lots of amazing supporters, but I hope I haven't burnt them all out. I also hope that whatever we come up with would be something that people would want to come to.
5. Have I burnt Jamie out with it? Equally as important; have I considered her enough and involved her enough in it? I always ask her about what she'd like and check in with her, but should I do more? 
6. Have I thought about everything? Would a friend be willing to officiate? If not, then who? 
   
7. Is it even possible? I mean, I'm just thinking about a fun party where we just so happen to be wearing wedding dresses and there would be a short (like 10 minute) formal program where we exchange vows.
   

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't even know where to start... but I still want to! Just yesterday, a trans friend of mine renewed her vows with her wife, and it was a beautiful streamed ceremony on Instagram. A bunch of people flew into Vegas for it, but a bunch more streamed in, including me. And all I could think of is, in addition to being so happy for them, I was also kinda jealous. I want that experience... I want that celebration with Jamie and with our friends! I don't want it to be some kind of big deal, but I'd still love to do it. I hope many of you reading this would be up for being a part of it. I could set up a stream like Olive did on her Instagram. But I hope many would come too. And I also hope that, while a big part of it is getting to finally be a bride, that I never lose sight of the more important thing... getting to celebrate the love that Jamie and I have for one another, and the commitment we have to one another. Because that is worth major celebrations. In case you're wondering, we both found our wedding dresses for the event! 

 

Alright, I'll leave you all with a bunch of pictures we took, including a few where we were wearing wedding dresses at home (she wanted to try on her original gown, and I bought one a few years ago for a costume). 

Hugs! 

Alicia