Cha-cha-cha-changes!

 

Like a caterpillar goes through major changes in its life, so do we. And the results of those changes are equally beautiful.

 

Maybe it's the headache or dizziness I'm feeling right now, or the fact that a lot of people are on my heart right this moment, but I can't seem to get any work done... so I'm going to take a break and write this blog instead to get my thoughts out, and hope that any of you reading it will benefit from it. 

A lot of people in my life right now are going through changes, and it's become dizzying. I don't want to name names, but I'll just give a few examples of the changes I'm seeing:

• In the last month, two of my crossdressing friends have publicly come out as gay. 
• Another shared that she's started HRT.
• A podcasting friend of mine shared that her decade-plus long relationship with her partner is ending.
• And I, myself, just joined a Gym... that may seem insignificant compared to what my friends are going through, but it's still a change that I'm surprised by... I wrote all about my weight loss journey in my previous blog. 

These are just a few examples that are standing out with those who are in my life right now, but they aren't the only ones. 

It's making me reflect on one of the most beautiful elements of humanity and that’s our ability to evolve. As we grow and learn more about the world around us, we ultimately learn more about ourselves. What we learn about ourselves ultimately leads us to make changes accordingly to fit our new worldview.

As I mentioned above, I’ve seen this theme of change and evolution a lot in my community of friends, family, and acquaintances, and I just want to say that it’s such a beautiful thing. I’m seeing people learn more about the world around them, learn more about themselves, and make changes accordingly. I’m going through my own changes as I start to prioritize my health, so I too am evolving. 

But it's hard... and it's dizzying. We are raised to believe that things stay static... marriages last forever, people have the same job for 30+ years, a person's identity never changes. And so change is met with a lot of apprehension and even hostility. I'll use Savannah, my podcasting friend as an example of this... she devoted a couple of episodes of her (and her co-host Julie's) podcast "The Fox and The Phoenix Podcast" to reflecting on the end of her relationship, and the fear that she has lost credibility because of the end of her relationship... I really don't want to put words in her mouth, so go check out the podcast for yourself to hear her story. It's really good though. 

But what I will say is that there's nothing unnatural or invalid about what Savannah is experiencing. The same is true for my newly out gay friends or my friend who just started HRT.  What I want to say to all of them is that the “new you” doesn’t invalidate your past experiences or identities, nor does it make you a liar or a cheat for changing. I can remember back when I thought I was "just" (I'm cringing as I say that... crossdressers are not "just" crossdressers) a crossdresser, and never wanted to transition. I believed that wholeheartedly... I wasn't lying to Jamie, my family, or anyone else... it was my truth at the time. I believed it with my whole heart because, for me, it was the truth! But as I learned more about myself, learned more about this side of myself, and watched as excuse after excuse went down, I eventually came to the conclusion that I needed to transition... that Alicia was the next step in my evolution. What's funny is that I have a very different view about this from many of my transgender friends... my new identity as Alicia doesn't invalidate or erase my time and past as Terrence... a man... I don't consider Terrence my "dead name" and I certainly don't consider Terrence to be "dead." I instead view him as "retired..." committed to the archives of my life as a whole. Without Terrence, I wouldn't have the job I have, the wife I have, or the life I have... I can't look back on my past as Terrence and say "yeah... that was all a lie." No, at the time, it was very much my truth. Two things can be true at the same time... I lived 36 years of my life as man, started a career, found an amazing wife, made great friends, and so on... but I also felt like there was more to me than who I was at the time... I felt feminine, and wanted to express that femininity. Once I had the opportunity to do so, I learned new things about myself, and it changed who I am. I am a more complete, mature, and beautiful person now... just like a caterpillar, I've transformed into a butterfly. I see that in so many of the stories in my friends and acquaintances lives too. Just because you're now realizing you're gay doesn't mean that the relationship you had with a woman was a lie... it was your truth for so many years. Just because you're transitioning now doesn't mean that your past was a lie... it may have been your truth for so many years (but let me be careful too... I know so many trans people who do feel like their past was a lie... and that's valid too!). You're just working with new information. I know trans people who seriously never questioned their gender identity for many years only to have had an experience bring up a bunch of stuff that changed their perspective. 

That doesn’t mean it isn’t painful or costly. Evolution is painful and costly, but what comes out the other end is so beautiful, and so much better for having gone through the transformation. I've always wondered if caterpillars feel pain as they transform into butterflies... I wouldn't be surprised if they did... I mean, doesn't their entire body liquefy or something in the cocoon? That's gotta be painful. But I sure know we deal with pain as we change... My oldest brother, who I damn near worshiped growing up, no longer speaks to me because I transitioned. Marriages end when people come out. Jobs are lost, relationships are broken, and pain and loneliness oftentimes set in. I wish I had a cure for that, or a way to make it less painful... I unfortunately don't, but I will say that it's worth it in the end. 

So where am I going with all of this??? Honestly, I have no idea... it's more of a brain dump than anything. I just want to say that if you're experiencing major life changes right now that you aren't alone... I hope you have a community of loving people surrounding you, and that they can help shepherd you through the minefield that comes with change. I'm also here, so don't hesitate to reach out (I'm on FB and Instagram... don't hesitate to drop me a line). 

Love you all! 

Hugs!

Alicia