My 40th Birthday Series

So, I turned 40 last month! I can't believe it's already been a month since that moment. There is much I can say/share to reflect on turning 40, but I thought that, for this post, I'd share a series of stories I posted on Instagram and Facebook as a single blog post outlining my story and journey... from birth, to rebirth, to transitioning, to today! So here is, unadulterated, my 40th birthday Instagram Series in blog form! 

Some childhood pictures

I was born Terrence Joseph Mullens in April of 1985… so yes, I’m about to turn 40. I grew up in one of the poorest parts of Long Beach, California, just a railroad track away from a gas refinery. My family was very working class, and I have three other living brothers. While my neighborhood was poor and my family was working class, I was spoiled rotten by my grandparents (honestly a regret that I feel now; my brothers did not get the same treatment and any resentment was and is understandable… though none of us really ever went without).

I loved science, especially Weather, video games, Lego, and talking (some old habits never die). Growing up, I never really felt like one of the boys, though I wasn’t able to articulate why or how. I remember wanting some “girl Legos,” to play with my cousin’s easy bake oven, and (though I never told anyone this), a MySize Barbie doll, so I could wear the dress.

It wasn’t until I was 12 that I was finally able to articulate that I wanted to be like a girl. I was reclining on a LazyBoy on a summer afternoon in August, when, for whatever reason, the idea of dressing up as a woman gave me lots of comfort. That’s the moment I point to whenever someone asks me “when did you know.” 

Me as a youngster... I'm betting 5th grade

I quickly realized that sharing my desire to dress like a girl would not be a good idea. Late 90’s working class culture wasn’t necessarily trans-accepting. Any representation was either from shows like Jerry Springer or horrible sitcoms like the short lived “Ask Harriet,” so I found ways to “micro dose” (thank you Meghan Girltime for sharing that term) feminine expression. This may sound dated, but my first opportunity came in Fall, 1997, when I sewed an apron in my Home Economics class, and it just felt feminine… like the kind of print that would make a cute dress. Any chance I got, I’d wear that apron. Again, I hid my expression, because that was the kind of stuff that would get me beat up by the neighborhood kids.

What’s interesting was that, during this same time, I wasn’t doing well in school… not because I wasn’t smart, but because I was lazy. I got sick of the bad report cards and the shame, and just started doing the work. My GPA went from a 0.75 to a 3.17 in less than six months. I actually found my place at school during this time, made some friends, and even got a little popularity as the school’s Meteorologist (I’d basically just read the NWS report and regurgitate it to the school)… I even won an award for it and ended up on the front page of Long Beach’s newspaper.

I had my first crush in 1999, but nothing came of it. I started high school, and finally got a girlfriend in 2000… we weren’t right for each other, but she’d let me wear her clothes from time to time. She dumped me in 2002, and I can’t say I blame her… I wasn’t right for her, but it wouldn’t be long before I would find a perfect girl… 

Jamie and I at her 10 year High School reunion

The first day of my Senior Year of High School introduced me to someone who was quite influential in my story… no, we’re not at Jamie YET… a classmate in my AP English class came up to me and introduced herself. Throughout the year, she would invite me to join her friends (mostly girls) for lunch, and also to Senior Prom. I honestly felt like one of the girls during this time, and I look back on that community fondly. Her name is Alicia… I’m still friends with her, she inspired my name (I went through a list of names of people who were important to me, and Alicia just felt right), and she knows. When I came out, her response was “and I love the Name!” If I look hard enough, I bet I can find the photo of her putting a boutineer on me for prom. 

My senior year also introduced me to my best friend for many years, my best man at my wedding, and someone I got to reunite with this past December, my friend Adam. After graduation, he invited me to his church, where I made many friends and did life at for years (more on that in Part 4).

When I got to that church, I was adamant that I wouldn’t seek a girlfriend there, because I wanted to focus on God… boy did I get hit with irony, in the form of a beautiful woman named Jamie. Super shy, quirky, and at the time VERY sheltered (yeah, I corrupted her, haha!). I was instantly in love… I asked her out four days later… she said no! But she kept talking to me, wanting to get to know me. A MAJOR blessing here; a few weeks into knowing her, I told her that I liked crossdressing. She’s always known about Alicia, even before I had a name. I can’t say she was a fan, but she didn’t run away. In fact, two months later, I asked her out again, and this time, she was ready! A week later, we had our first date. She must have liked it, because she’s sitting next to me as I write this.

Jamie and I in college

Halloween of 2003, some of my friends had the idea of crossdressing for Halloween. I jumped at the opportunity, and got a blouse, leather skirt, bra, and cheap wig. I wish I had a picture from that night, but I didn’t tell anyone else that I participated. During that party, I was in a room with five couples, all of which, upon hearing about her, implored me to ask Jamie out again… so I did!

I asked Jamie out a second time, this time successfully. We went on a lovely first date to Rainbow Harbor in Long Beach on the day after Thanksgiving. However, when I left her that night, I felt like I had failed, and we’d be stuck in the friend zone. I was wrong… we went out on a second date about a month later (it was college… I was poor), and by the end of that night, there was definitely something there. On January 28th, 2004, I asked her to be my girlfriend, and she said yes. To this day, we celebrate Jan 28th as an anniversary. We also celebrate Black Friday, our actual wedding anniversary (August 24th), and hopefully as of this year, November 1st (vow renewal).

Jamie was probably my only source of stability in my first few years of college. My entire family picked up and moved to Texas in 2004 (on my birthday, nonetheless). I felt abandoned, to be honest. I was living in a tiny studio next to the garage of a family friend. I was 19, living on my own, making $350’ish a month and paying $300 a month in rent. Yeah, it wasn’t going to work out. I sank into a deep depression.

It was also in this time that I got to build my first little collection of women’s clothing, and I would wear them any chance I got. Some nights, I’d pull out a skirt, blouse, bra and panties and sit in there while playing The Sims. I rarely had people over, but I still hid the clothing in case someone came by unexpectedly. I purged the entire wardrobe after moving in with a friend, who now is a supporter.

Jamie and I on my 25th birthday

The next several years of my life involved some volatility (like moving four times in three years), but near the end, I had some much needed stability… I’m thankful for my friend Paul and his mom for taking me at first, and I know most of them don’t agree with me transitioning, but I will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart for the Lucas family (Adam, Aaron, Amanda, Karla and [David who sadly passed away in 2010]) for giving me desperately needed stability and love when I needed it. I know my distancing in the past few years can be, and probably is interpreted as ungratefulness, but I promise you it’s not. This isn’t the venue to go into further detail, but know that I love you all and I miss you.

What I had very little of, was room to explore my gender identity, and at this point, I viewed Alicia as “a sin,” “evil,” and so on… though I, and most around me didn’t resort to the harmful language commonly used by Evangelicals to dismiss being transgender today. Yet, she was someone Terrence “struggled with,” and she would sometimes win. I’m just now admitting this, but I would, to varying degrees of acceptance, scratch this itch around Jamie. I had a few articles of clothing I’d keep at her apartment, and would experiment with them every so often. I also tried to get Jamie to dress up a lot… sometimes even pressuring her to do so, which was wrong. I understand now that it was transference (having her do it because I couldn’t), though to this day, she knows that the quickest way to get my attention is to put on a cute outfit (like the gown she wore to the Keystone Gala).

Over the next few years, I was VERY involved in my church, and even went on some short term missions trips. I was genuinely blessed by my time there. There are still a handful of people from there that I keep in touch with, but the vast majority wouldn’t be too proud to hear that I transitioned.

As time went on, I got better and better at college. My GPA went from low 3’s in 2007 to 3.81 in 2009, and a perfect 4.0 my senior year. Academically, I was on the upswing!

But then something else happened that I was jealous of (though I am extremely ashamed to admit it and apologize to many for it)… Jamie joined a Sorority. And it was, to this day, one of the best things that ever happened to her (and I’m thankful for the friends she made), and while I was proud of her for doing so, I was jealous, for two reasons… the first reason was she had a sisterhood… that understanding didn’t surface until this past fall when I had a dust up with an absolutely amazing group of MTF CDs/NBs/TGs over a girls retreat I wasn’t selected for, and sorta treated them all like crap over (you know who you are, and if you’re reading this, I’m so sorry for my behavior)… I’ve always wanted that for myself, and to see her have it then, and others have it now, was hard. While I regret my behavior then, and now, the journey of unpacking and working on this jealousy has led me to find sisterhood… and God has blessed me abundantly with it since! The other reason I was jealous was because many of the sorority events would require Jamie dressing up, something I wanted her to do for me… and something I wanted to do too. I told her, explicitly during that season, that it was my jealousy and on me… she needed to continue her pledge with her sorority, and I wouldn’t let her quit because of me.

She didn’t, and those sisters took such amazing care of her. I’m forever thankful for them! During this season, I wanted to do a “girls night in,” but called it off because I was scared.

Side note: I actually write more about this in my previous two blog posts. Give them a read. 

Trying to make makeup work

I moved to San Jose in 2010 for graduate school. For the first time, pretty much ever, I had some freedom to express my femininity. But I also ended up very homesick, feeling out of place (when I applied for student housing, I was placed in a freshman dorm… I was 25), and honestly struggling. Things got way better when I moved into a duplex with two colleagues a year later.

It was also in this season that I started feeling a bit bolder about sharing Alicia with people. Unfortunately, that resulted in a disastrous attempt at coming out in April, 2011. I shared about my desire to crossdress and my questioning of my gender in a drunken Facebook post I sent one night after I came out to some classmates (with universal acceptance from them). I got a handful of positive responses and messages, but a fair amount of messages of concern, and a few scathing messages from some of my closest friends from home. One notable one that sticks with me to this day was from a friend I mentored for a short time, saying he was disturbed, quoting Deuteronomy 22:5, and telling me that Jamie should dump me. I was minutes away from leaving for a little Easter trip when I got that message, but instead stayed in my dorm and cried all night.

The next day, I wrote a post attempting to walk back some of what I said, and tried to sheepishly go back into the closet. Full disclosure though, I didn’t stop crossdressing after this incident, including around my new friends in San Jose. During this time, Jamie’s commitment to me remained unphased, as none of what I’d shared was news to her, so she was actually a rock and a constant during this difficult time.

After my disastrous first attempt at coming out, I tried to “rein in” my “crossdressing problem…” anyone who’s been on this journey before knows how well that works. But that incident sorta marked a rock bottom for me… a few months later, I moved into a duplex with two classmates (and friends to this day), and finally had a room to myself for the first time in my life. Did I crossdress while I was in my room by myself… you bet! However, both my roommates knew about Alicia, and so I didn’t have to hide it either. It wasn’t like I was doing it every single night, but I was doing it often, and it felt amazing.

Things kept looking up. I was finally getting a handle on my research, figured out what to do with my degree (teach!), I was visiting Jamie often (AND she was coming up to visit me often), I found a new church, and I started getting my head on straight. But I still made time for Alicia.

By the end of 2011, I made a huge decision… I was going to ask Jamie to marry me! After getting her family’s blessing, that’s exactly what I did. On January 28th, 2012, our eight year anniversary, I surprised her at a restaurant near where we had our first date (she didn’t even know I was in town… I was all sneaky). Afterwards, we walked to the same lighthouse we went to on our first date, made small talk for a few minutes, and then I changed the subject, telling her I didn’t know what would happen to me, but I wanted her to be there with me. I then dropped to one knee, and asked “Jamie Rose Archambault, will you marry me?” Her response was a loud shreak, and then an excited “Yes! Of course! You know how long I’ve wanted this for!?!?” We hugged, kissed, and then celebrated!

(I have a picture of that night somewhere… I couldn’t find it)

Our Wedding Day...

The rest of 2012 and the first part of 2013 were amazing! I had a great internship, did a lot of traveling, wrote and defended my Masters Thesis, and celebrated graduation by lapping the country by train in two weeks. But let’s get to the real good stuff:

On August 24th, 2013, ten years to the day we met, Jamie and I got married! It was, and still is to this day, the greatest day of my life, regardless of having to do it in an icky tux! I had zero anxiety, cold feet, or anything about marrying Jamie. She’s always been my dream girl, and the last 12 years of marriage have only shown that Jamie and I are perfect for each other.

The ceremony was beautiful, the reception was such a blast, and it felt like a dream come true. When we got to our hotel room, I spent about half an hour pulling the pins out of her hair, and then a little time enjoying some wine and strawberries.

When the time came to take her dress off of her, I stood in front of the mirror in our room, held it up to myself, and sighed “If only.” Again though, I wouldn’t have changed anything about that night, and we still have, and will continue to have, pictures from that day up in our home… I was just wishing to have my time as a bride too. Hopefully, this November, I’ll get that chance. I already have my dress, and when I tried it on, I started crying. I really hope for that day, and I hope many of you will be able to celebrate with us.

One other interesting thing: About a year before our wedding, I started following a trans blogger named Hannah McKnight… she’s the same Hannah that I’ve gotten to visit the past few years. Well, on our wedding day, Hannah came out to her mom. As eager as I was to find out how it went, I was a good hubby and kept my phone away.

Jamie and I in Chicago in 2015

I’m married now… wow! I have a masters degree… incredible! I still have my whole life ahead of me… awesome! I’m coming off of two incredible years of milestones and triumphs… and then life hits.

When I married Jamie, I made two commitments and goals for our first year of marriage (which is often called the most difficult year): I was only going to work as much as absolutely necessary, focusing on building us up more than climbing the ladder, and I was going to keep us at the same church for a year… well, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

I spent the first three months of our marriage unemployed. We had planned for that (and had the luxury of doing that), but it was still depressing. I made it a goal every day to put feelers out for adjunct teaching positions, I tutored a bit, and, as I said, I focused on Jamie. Once my Masters degree was officially conferred in October, I started getting interviews for adjunct positions. I ended up landing two…. One at a college about 20 miles away from where we lived, and one at a college about 50 miles away. Oh, and I didn’t have a car or a license, so I used Metrolink and regional busses to get to work. So I’d spend HOURS commuting to and from work, and I’d try to use that time to lesson plan and grade, where possible. Some nights, I wouldn’t get home until past midnight, only to leave at 8am the next morning. We both knew it wasn’t sustainable for years, but I always tell people that was my “walking in the snow uphill both ways” story older generations love to share. And it worked… I had consistent work, decent pay (at least after years of making way too little for what I did), and was building experience. I did this for about a year and a half before I finally got a license and a car… man, was it day and night! I’ll talk more about my career in a few paragraphs.

So I ended up spending countless, honestly ridiculous hours commuting to work, but I wanted to be useful. Nevertheless, that certainly put a ding in how much time I was able to connect with Jamie, but we managed. Maybe the church thing will go better…

After we got married, we returned to our home church, where we had met, I had worked at, and so on… but something felt really off. Nobody ever asked how we were doing, outside of “how’s work,” we had a hard time finding a small group, and our Sunday school class was, well, lame. It had nothing to do with the leadership of the class, and everything to do with the lack of pastoral support being given, and considering young professionals and newlyweds are in such a tumultuous time in their lives, it felt like the group was set up to fail… which it did in March of 2014. Having been at this church for YEARS, we knew that Sunday school classes were the backbone of the church, so to see the church essentially abandon us was, well, hurtful. We left, a full six months short of our one-year anniversary. Only one pastor contacted us about it. In Hindsight, God was sparing us… less than six months later, that church went through a nasty split over a controversial lead pastor. Praise God, the right side of that struggle prevailed!

So, you’d think we would have ended up somewhere better… Google search “Mars Hill 2014” and you’ll quickly find out why that wasn’t true. Yeah, we ended up joining a church during its implosion… and the climax of that was happening the same time our old church was splitting. Our Mars Hill campus ended up being the only one that didn’t continue in some form after the implosion. So again, we were abandoned.

When people ask me how I ended up deconstructing, I point to that era… well, that and the lie that “God fearing, bible believing Christians must be conservative…” that got us Trump. And it was so frustrating and hurtful that, anytime we voiced concern regarding what was happening, we were met with “you need to pray more, read the Bible more, check your heart more.” The blame was redirected towards us. This triggered a massive depression for me in 2015.

Me in 2015, coming out of my "Great Depression"

During Summer of 2014, I was teaching two classes at a college in Fontana, California, but conveniently a block away from a Metrolink station. In the middle of that term, I woke up one morning feeling extra fatigued, but I thought I could just shake it. But it just wouldn’t go away. As summer turned into Fall, I noticed my mood was slumping, my brain was becoming foggy, and my confidence was plummeting. At the time, I thought this was caused by the stuff I mentioned in Part 9, and once the church drama resolved, I’d be better.

But I wasn’t… going into 2015, I just couldn’t pick myself up. I started crying randomly, became very scattered, and lost any sense of self esteem… and it was very visible, including to my students. I completely blew an interview for a full time position at one of the schools I was working at, and started questioning my worth as a teacher… and as a husband.

By summer of 2015, it got worse… I was crying multiple times a day (there were times the moment my last student walked out of the classroom, I’d close the door and burst into tears). I even broke down in tears near the end of MINIONS (yes, the movie about those cute little yellow things). It became intolerable. I’d started therapy, got myself on a waitlist to see a psychiatrist, and tried to cope. But nothing worked.

One day, I was texting my stepmom emotionally as I was walking to the train station on my way home from work. She told me she was worried about me, and to call her once I got to the train… that almost didn’t happen;

I’m about to share something I’ve only shared with a few people… As the train approached, I started having thoughts… serious thoughts… about jumping in front of it. Those thoughts scared the hell out of me, and thankfully I didn’t do it.

Instead, I boarded, and called my stepmom as I promised. As soon as we started talking I burst into the ugliest, most painful type of crying, probably in my life up to this point. We talked the entire train ride, and a sweet passenger kept bringing me tissue. My stepmom said this was serious enough to require an intervention (not like the high drama ones on TV), and that probably saved my life. That weekend, she took me to apply for my drivers license, schedule an actual appointment with a psychiatrist, and to just get my mind off of things. Her and Jamie (who had been overwhelmed by what was happening to me) stayed by my side constantly, helping me make sense of things.

I bottomed out.

A few weeks later, I was put on two medications that I am still on to this day. Within a few weeks, the feelings I had lost their sting. I could handle things better, cope better, and feel better.

By the end of 2015, I was out of the depression. However, something else happened during this period, right around my rock bottom. Something that changed my life forever, and needs to be included in this part…

Second Half:

An “egg” is the common term used in the trans community for a trans person who is still, well, in denial. While I crossdressed at times, and had fleeting moments of wishing I was a woman, I was very solidly in my egg up until 2015. And then something life changing happened…

During the summer of 2015, I had a student who came to my class presenting as male for the first five’ish weeks. One time, I thought I overheard this student talking to their lab group about being transgender, but I didn’t want to eavesdrop, so I flushed it out of my head. Then, one day, out of nowhere, she showed up in class wearing a dress, a cute pair of flats, and a bow in her long hair.

I was extremely uncomfortable… hear me out, I was uncomfortable for two reasons, neither about her herself… first, I had absolutely no idea how to support her. Do I ask her, do I bring it up, I don’t want make a big deal out of it or embarrass her, but what do I do? I had no training (funny because now I lead training like that at times) on this, and I didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing. I regret that to this day. I gave her high fives (like I did other students), answered questions, and offered words of encouragement surrounding the course, but I never asked her for a name/pronouns/anything.

But she kept coming. She kept participating. She kept asking questions. One day, I saw a classmate helping her straighten out her dress, and then telling her “you look beautiful.” I said a quick prayer thanking God for that student.

I was also uncomfortable, and honestly way more uncomfortable, for one other reason… this student was doing the very thing I knew I wished I could do. She made me realize that it was possible to do this. After I married Jamie, I was trying everything in my being to just “be a man,” especially because so much more was riding on it. And I realized that Alicia was, at the very least, a part of me that couldn’t just be removed surgically and tossed away. And it shouldn’t need to either. After going through so much of seeing the human side of Christianity, dealing with a deep depression, and now seeing someone doing something I so badly wanted to do, the seeds were planted.

My egg cracked… for the first time, a truly serious, deep crack.

On the last day of the class, she turned in her final with her male name crossed out, and her true, affirmed name in its place…

Cassandra.

Cassandra, you changed my life! Because of your bravery to, in a very working class region of SoCal, still start coming to school as your true self, I realized I was running out of excuses. You have no idea of how fucking proud I was of you then, and how proud I am of you now. You gave me the honor of your vulnerability, by bringing your true, authentic self into my classroom, you invited me into a part of your life that made me confront what I referred to as my “deepest, darkest secret.” I don’t know what I did to earn that, but thank you!

I would give just about ANYTHING to cross paths with you again (all of you who I talk about wanting to meet so bad, my desire to meet Cassandra is multiple times that, and that’s saying something!). I have no idea what happened to you after that class. If you transitioned, didn’t, found your gender equilibrium (Jenn, that word is PERFECT) elsewhere, or if it was just a phase, I’d love to know. I’d love to know if you’re safe, if you’re healthy, and if you’re thriving. And I’d love to give you the privilege of meeting my true self, who your act of bravery and authenticity stirred out of a deep slumber. I believe transition was inevitable for me, but because of you, I think I found that out much sooner than I would have otherwise. I will forever be in your debt, and forever thankful for you. I promise you I started going to trainings, learned simple ways to show allyship (pronouns, people!), and started exploring my own identity. Now, I have the honor of supporting both openly out and closeted LGBTQ+ students in so many ways, and I’ve seen the fruits of that, and I have you to thank for that, Cassandra.

If you ever come across this, please reach out to me. I’m pretty findable on social media, and I’d love to reunite with you. You changed my life Cassandra… thank you! 

My gosh! My makeup was terrible... but this was the first time I tried to dress up!

Once an egg cracks, it’s only a matter of time. In early 2016, Jamie and I threw a party at our apartment, where friends would bring over a couple of bottles of beer each, and then we’d all share and enjoy the different flavors. I learned the hard way that night that nerves about hosting, combined with a ridiculous amount of alcohol can get you real drunk. I treated poor Jamie to a night I can’t remember, but she’ll never forget. But at one point that night, while I was praying to the porcelain god, I started blurting apologies to Jamie for stuff I did wrong, and then it came out…

“I’m sorry Jamie… I want to be Alicia!”

Over the next several months, Jamie informed me that, at night, she’d hear me say “I want to be a woman… I want to be Alicia.”

A few months later, I came out (as a crossdresser) to her best friend, and her husband. They supported me. That night, Jamie mentioned she wanted to see me wear a dress so she could picture it… so I did. It was fun.

We talked about doing a girls night… but I still couldn’t pull the trigger. But I started collecting things… a dress here, a pair of boots there, some cheap makeup here, a wig there. Every so often, I’d wear some of the clothes.

Sometimes Jamie was okay with it, but sometime she was not. She wanted Terrence. Yes, we argued at times. It was hard at times. Not so bad in others.

During this time, lots of awesome stuff was happening too… I got my license… got a car… landed my dream job teaching Meteorology at De Anza… started saving money…

I also struggled with bouts of depression… feeling like a failure at work… resumed both meds and therapy. Felt kind of out of place at church… had to grieve the deaths of several friends and family…

Pretty normal stuff. But the crack was growing, multiplying, expanding. In early 2019, I finally said something I thought I’d never say to myself or Jamie…

“I think I’m transgender.”

It was time to meet Alicia…

I let a professional give me a real makeover... This is the day I "met" Alicia. 

(Editor's note: I wrote this next post on April 12, the 6 year anniversary of the picture above... I call that date my "Aliciaversary.") 

So... it was time to finally “meet Alicia.” I say that because, up to this point, besides a few attempts at doing my own makeup, and wearing women’s clothing, I never really got to see how Alicia could look like... she was just an abstract concept in my mind, but one that was so strong that I could no longer resist bringing her up to the surface.

So, as a present for my 34th birthday, with Jamie’s permission, I booked an appointment for a full transformation makeover at a local CD/Trans boutique in the area. I tried not to make a big deal about it as the date approached, but I was so full of excitement and nervousness, that it was hard to contain.

I got up that morning, did some cleaning around the apartment, took a shower, shaved everywhere, covered myself with moisturizer and feminine deodorant, and then got in my car... I ended up taking a long route on what would have normally been a 15’ish minute drive from my apartment, and spent the whole time reflecting on my journey to this point, knowing that what I was about to do was going to be life changing. When I got to the boutique, I sat in my car for a good 30 minutes (I was early anyway), calming my nerves. Then, as the time came, I took a deep breath, stepped out of my car, cautiously looked around (I was so afraid of “being caught”), and then walked in to the boutique.

I was warmly greeted by Aejaie, the owner and, to this day, a friend, mentor, and coach to me. She took me to a dressing room, with a number of outfits already set out, my own set of new undergarments and tights with a new pair of breastforms, and left me to it. I tried on each of the dresses she picked out, but quickly fell in love with one of them. She had also bought a jean jacket for me to wear with the outfit that I picked, and I loved it so much, I ended up buying it as an add-on. Then it was into the chair for about an hour of makeup and conversation, and then the moment came when she held a (first of two) wig over my head and said “are you ready to meet Alicia?” I excitedly said “yes!” and she said “Close your eyes...” She put the wig on me and straightened it out, and then told me to open my eyes and...

When I saw this in the mirror, I was in love! I could finally see my true self! 

Believe it or not, I didn’t have a huge initial reaction, though I loved who I saw in the mirror. She then took that wig off of me, held the second wig over my head, had me close my eyes again, adjusted it, and...

This time, I experienced a building excitement... I was so happy to see what I saw in the mirror, but it wasn’t until I got up out of the chair, heard the clicking of the heels, the fluttering of the dress, and the feeling of the hair on my shoulders that I experienced, for the first time ever, pure gender euphoria. I held back tears because I didn’t want to ruin the makeup, but I was so, so, so happy, and so in love with who I saw in the mirror. We then took some pictures (most of which I unfortunately deleted in a purge I’ll talk about in the next part), sat down in the boutique’s club room with a friend, drank some wine, and had girl talk for a couple of hours. When I got home, I asked Jamie if she wanted me to sneak into my home office and change back into guy mode, but she instead exclaimed that she wanted to see me en femme. I made her a nice steak dinner, and we stayed up for hours enjoying this special moment.

The date was April 12th, 2019, and I consider that date my Aliciaversary... so yes, I wanted to make sure this posted on my 6th Aliciaversary. I will always be thankful for this watershed moment in my journey.

(Editor's note: You know how many stories have a difficult part right after a good one, but right before the climax/happy ending... yeah, that's next...)

Holy shit, look at that Denial Beard!!!

Let me forward this by saying that, my wife Jamie, is the most incredible ally, friend, partner, and wife imaginable, and that her love, support, and acceptance of me blow me away to this day!

Also, look at that denial beard… damn!!! Okay, on with the show… this is Summer, 2019:

After the magical moment where I saw “her” in the mirror, the cracks in my egg were practically everywhere, and a complete shattering was inevitable. I realized real quickly that Alicia was out of the bottle, and wasn’t going back in. I became so eager to spend more time as Alicia, and to start taking steps towards building a life for her, even if I wasn’t going to fully transition. I was completely engulfed by the Pink Fog. And it felt like I finally had the momentum to do it… at least I thought I did.

If you are a trans person or know someone who is, you’ll know that there are a lot of unique obstacles to overcome, and I was about to face mine, and confront the single most pivotal question in my journey…

Could Jamie and I survive this? Could our marriage survive this? If you ask me that question today, I’d say, without skipping a beat, that our marriage HAS survived it! But in 2019, there was a point where that was in serious doubt… for both of us...

In July of 2019, we went on a small cruise with Jamie’s step sister and her new husband. It was so fun to celebrate their marriage and to cheer them on as they embarked on a new adventure. When the cruise was over, Jamie and I decided to drive back to San Jose, taking the scenic route (US101, as opposed to the quicker but super boring I5 route). As we passed Santa Barbara, we got into a region of no phone service, and we hadn’t downloaded anything to listen to… so we started talking. In my pink fog, I mentioned something alluding to Alicia and hoping that Jamie would warm up to her over time…

Jamie then made a comment that I took as very hurtful.

I immediately said “okay, that’s all I need to know that Alicia can’t exist.” I was hoping Jamie would try to refute that comment… she didn’t.

One of my biggest weaknesses is that I am exactly the kind of person being talked about when you hear the phrase “Hurt People Hurt People.” A few people experienced that this past year from me…

And Jamie experienced it on that day…

I made a very hurtful comment to her.

She fought back…

And I refuted…

It was a full blown argument. At one point, I said “I think our marriage is in deep trouble.”

She then tried to walk back her original comment, trying to assure me that Alicia could still exist.

I was having none of it.

This back and forth bickering lasted the entire drive home. We didn’t stop for dinner, like we usually do. No side trips to SLO or Pismo. No visit to Firestone Walker brewing. Just arguing, crying, and more arguing.

I call that incident “The Blow Up.”

When we got home, I dropped her off, but refused to get out of the car. I went for a drive, both angry and sad. She texted me, begging me to come home. A few hours later, I did. We didn’t say anything to each other. Once she went to bed, I grabbed a blanket, fluffed up a pillow on the couch, and slept there.

I also purged all of my Alicia photos from up to that day… only 5 survived, only because they had been posted to some form of social media or another.

The thought of losing Jamie tortured me… the thought of having to fully go back in my egg also tortured me. There’s a reason why so many marriages do not survive a partner’s transition, or even an attempt to be trans “part time.” Most of the trans people who were married when I met them ended up being divorced within a year or two… some very amicable, others very nasty.

To my trans friends out there, it’s completely understandable that your spouse/partner isn’t able to accept you, or at least struggles with it. When a person transitions, so, so much changes, and I don’t just mean physically. In a very real sense, you are no longer the person your partner fell in love with. You’ve taken that from them, and it is very unfair to them.

To those of you who are the spouse/partner of a trans person, it’s also completely understandable that your partner simply can’t just stop it. It’s not something that can be tapered off, phased out, or repressed permanently. Trying to do so fails 10 times out of 10. It simply doesn’t work that way. And continuing to bottle it up can have actual health consequences. One of my trans friends ended up having stress-induced shingles and kidney stones because holding her true self back was no longer sustainable. Others become depressed, giving into addiction, and some even lose their lives. It’s not as simple as them choosing to be trans over being with you… and to view it that way is also very unfair.

The truth is that this is an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object.

The idea of losing Jamie made me hysterical. The idea of putting Alicia to an end also made me hysterical. But the possibility of keeping both didn’t seem like it was there.

I stayed on that couch for over a week. Jamie kept begging me to come back to bed with her. We kept arguing, though now the arguments were about me not believing her when she was trying to walk back her original words.

We needed help. And I needed to start doing the work to make it all worth it to Jamie.

Over the next few weeks, the olive branches came out. I started going to a transition coach to work on how I could reassure Jamie. We both got into therapy.

My transition coach was someone special to me… the amazing Aejaie, who helped me see Alicia for the first time. She was a licensed counselor who had done that work with so many. One day, she asked me to bring Jamie to my next session. During that session, I stepped out of the room for a good 20 minutes while they talked. When I came back in, Aejaie had some reality to lay down on me… but also a message of hope. She saw a love for me in Jamie that she believed could conquer this. She saw the same thing in me. She told us what we needed to work on before Alicia could ever make an appearance again.

And we got to work. We still had arguments, but they ended with us trying to understand each other. I got a better idea of where I needed to reassure Jamie, and what her needs were. Jamie started researching LGBTQ+ topics, authors, and drag. And she got into it. Meanwhile, I started evaluating what she needed from a husband, and if/how those needs could be met by Alicia like they were Terrence. We talked more.

It became clear that we were beginning to understand each other. One day, Jamie told me that she was ready to see Alicia again, but I went slow. I did, however, resume makeup lessons… and she came with me. One night, after a lesson, we got home, and I was just a few steps from having a full face of makeup. Jamie encouraged me to finish those last steps, put on a new dress I had just bought… and, well, Alicia was officially back. Still, I took it slow with Jamie. Made sure she got what she needed from Terrence before I’d don the dress. We checked in and communicated with each other about this. Over time, she was more comfortable, and even inviting of Alicia. And she let me show her how, as Alicia, I could still be her husband.

There was ebb and flow. But we kept learning from it, and from each other.

By the end of 2019, we were out of the rut. I didn’t have to end Alicia… and I didn’t have to lose Jamie either. Probably the biggest shift came when I realized my frame of thinking had changed… I no longer worried about how her disapproval would affect me, and instead was focused on not taking the person she loved away from her. It all ended with a phrase I still use today “I’m no longer afraid of losing Jamie… I would be devastated if I did, but there’s something I’m more worried about… taking her husband away from her.”

And I’ve done to work to still be her husband. And she did the work to be confident that I was just as much her husband as Alicia as I was Terrence. And I still am to this day!

This was me just minutes after coming home from my first night out with Jamie as Alicia! 

With the blow up behind us, and with regular communication between the two of us, Jamie and I were entering 2020 with a lot of hope and I was hoping to see big things for Alicia.

But it’s 2020, so we all know what’s gonna happen next.

On March 11, 2020, I stood before my students for the last in-person class before COVID… and I didn’t know it yet, but my last in-person class as Terrence… ever.

The COVID pandemic created a unique environment where I think everyone had to re-evaluate their lives, priorities, and values. It certainly did that for me. After seeing everything I was taking for granted ripped away by a crisis, I knew some big changes needed to happen. I still didn’t realize how this would affect Alicia, who was, up to this point, still behind closed doors. But now that so much more of my life was also behind closed doors, I started making more time for Alicia, whether it was micro dosing, or dressing fully to the nines, I spent much of the next few months exploring who Alicia was… and Jamie was doing the same.

By the time things started re-opening, I was becoming more comfortable with how I looked, and Jamie was becoming more comfortable with who I was. The stage was set for a major milestone…

On June 22nd, after work, I decided to get all dressed up, and for some reason, I felt like going out. I asked Jamie if she wanted to go to a Starbucks and drive around… she did. We spent hours out together, though I didn’t get out of the car…

Then, a week later, on July 1st, I asked her if she wanted to do that again… and she was up for it. But this time, after getting our coffee, she asked if we could stop for dinner somewhere… I was so full of euphoria, I decided to do it… we had dinner at an outdoor Italian restaurant. I was almost in tears every time I was called “ma’am” or “miss.” When we got home, Jamie took these pictures of me, and I wrote her a long love letter.

I thought this would be the only time I went out en femme, at least for a long time. Wrong! We went out again the next week… and a week later… and soon, nights out as Alicia were becoming a regular thing. The writing was on the wall…

Me after my first full day out as Alicia

As the Fall of 2020 started, I was getting increasingly comfortable going out en femme, spending more time en femme, and was hitting milestone after milestone in my journey.

But there was also one other thing that I was noticing… it was becoming harder and harder emotionally when the time came to “de-Alicia” as I called it. I hated going back to “him.” It felt wrong… it felt forced… it felt depressing. Jamie noticed it too.

On October 24th, 2020, Jamie was busy doing something, and I had a makeover booked, so I decided to, once finished, go out. I spent the full day shopping, going to breweries, out to dinner, and just having the time of my life. When I got home, Jamie snapped a bunch of pictures of me in the new fits I bought. It was such a fun time… and then it was time to go back to “him.” It was hard.

The next weekend was Halloween, and seeing as we were in one of those lulls in the pandemic, we went to a party. I decided to don my Audrey Hepburn costume, but NOTHING was working (bad makeup, wig not cooperating, etc). Yet, I still had the time of my life. When we got home, Jamie went right to bed, but I was unwilling to “de-Alicia” yet, so I stayed up, drank a crowler of imperial stout, and just enjoyed a few more hours of girling out.

When the time came to go to bed, I got undressed, makeup off, and crawled into bed for one of the most important conversations of my life… Jamie asked me if I had a hard time sleeping, and I admitted that I didn’t want to go back to being “him.” She then said “I noticed, have noticed for a while, and when you’re ready to say it, I’m ready for it.” I asked her “do you really know what I want to say?” She said “yes, Alicia.”

So, here it comes… “Jamie… (tearfully) I WANT TO TRANSITION!!!”

Her response: “I know… I’ve known for a while, and have been preparing myself. Know that I’m not going anywhere, I support you, and I love you, Alicia!”

So that was it… in the early hours of November 1st, 2020, the last pieces of my egg broke off. I was now out to her, and to myself! And we had made the conclusion… I was going to transition.

And now we're back to the present! My 40th birthday!

And now, here I am! Today’s the big day where I say farewell to my 30’s and hello to my 40’s. I didn’t share much about the last four years because, frankly, my whole social media has been an anthology of them. But here are some highlights:

In late 2020, I started coming out to people, and on June 12th, 2021, I fully came out.

Thanks to the help of a zealous administrative analyst at my part time job, I started teaching as Alicia on Jan 27th, 2022. I transitioned at my full time job less than two months later.

I attended my first professional conference as Alicia that summer, and then met my favorite blogger and role model, Hannah McKnight right afterwards.

I started HRT on October 2, 2022.

I flew pretty for the first time in August, 2023.

And today, I turned 40!

I don’t know what’s next… I’m both scared and cautiously optimistic about this decade. This last year has been a real learning curve in terms of community, and I’m still getting my head on straight. But know that if you’re reading this, whether you’ve been my BFF, close friend, a well wisher, a distant acquaintance, fed up with me, or hate my guts now because of my past behavior, your presence in my life these past few years has been a gift to me, and one I’ll cherish forever. I’ve been blown away by the love and support you have all shown to me, and just as importantly, each other. I wouldn’t have a fraction of the wonderful life I have now if it wasn’t for you all, and I promise that’s not lost on me.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart! I love each and every one of you, and I really mean that.

Hugs!

-Alicia 

 

 

 

In Search of Sisterhood...

 

Me, my wife Jamie, and my "sisters" Jennifer Marie and Kip.

A few mornings ago, I couldn't sleep, so I decided to look for, and go through my old scrapbook that my 8th grade science teacher gifted me near the end of that year. As I was going through it, I was reflecting on the many achievements I made as a kid, a student, and personally. But two other things really hit me as I was browsing the scrapbook... the first was that I was given it when I was 14... the first time I was able to articulate that something was up with my gender identity (the day the idea of being a woman gave me so much comfort) was almost two years prior to that... that's to say that the old, dusty, outdated and aging scrapbook I got and treasure, is still younger than my gender dysphoria... in essence, it's still younger than "Alicia." Like I said, it's a pretty old, aging scrapbook, and yet this journey I've been on has been going on for even longer than that! 

After I got the scrapbook, I continued to add to it, including sections for my first and second girlfriends (my second one now being my wife), accomplishments in high school and college, my baptism certificate and church membership, my college graduation announcement, and the flyer for my Master's Thesis Defense. It stops just short of my wedding day (which I might try to change soon), and has nothing related to my transition. I'm debating about whether or not to add a section in there about my transition, coming to terms with being Alicia, and maybe even a (shrunk down and with personal information omitted) copy of the court order legally changing my name. We'll see if I do. 

But near the back of the book, I saw my College Graduation announcement that I sent out (my naive self didn't expect people to send back stuff to me... I just thought it would be cool to have something that people could put on their refrigerator). 

My graduation announcement from 2010

Looking at this picture reminds me of something pretty fundamental about that season of my life (2010, my senior year of college, entering that "what the hell do I do with myself" phase)... I was yearning to be Alicia! Seriously. During late 2009 and early 2010, Jamie and I (yes, we were dating back then) were floating an idea I reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly wanted to happen... I wanted to do a "girls night in" for my 25th birthday. We even went dress shopping for the occasion, but the idea didn't really go further than that. During this season, I was DEEPLY involved in the mainstream American Evangelical Church, and held many of the fundamental tenants of that faith... including the idea that my gender identity was "sinful" and something I was supposed to "struggle with." Yet, it was something I absolutely "slipped up on" pretty regularly. I would crossdress fairly often around Jamie, though I never did the full thing (with, makeup, falsies, etc) until 2019. Every time I'd do it, I'd feel ashamed of myself, and felt the need to confess that "sin," sometimes to other people. I actually "came out" to a few people during this season, but it was always in the tune of "hey, here's this sin I struggle with." Something that was incredibly frustrating about the culture of mainstream Evangelical churches was the overemphasis on purity culture and on normalizing some types of "sexual sin" while demonizing others (Trigger Warning: I talk about sexual stuff in the next few sentences): I can't tell you how many guy/girl nights my college group would have, and the boys would always talk about the same three fucking things: Porn, Lust, and Masturbation. And while they didn't realize they were doing it, they were both normalizing and somewhat "excusing" those behaviors since, you know, "everyone is doing it." I can't imagine how I would have been received if, in that time, I'd shared my struggle with my gender identity. 

 

About a year later, I made a disastrous attempt at coming out, and had some pretty scathing things said to me... some of which by those same guys. It was frustrating, very humiliating, and honestly, very unhealthy. To this day, that very narrow minded, cookie-cutter approach to such a deeply painful struggle hurts. I'll give an example: a few years ago, one of my long time college friends reached out to me in order to reconcile... I was really thankful for him doing that, but once we got into a deep conversation, he went on to say "But I have to be honest, I'm disappointed by [you being transgender], but oh well, I still struggle with pornography." To equate an almost three-decade old identity crisis that I've cried myself to sleep many times over to "struggling with pornography" was, and is, a very unhealthy, and dare I say offensive, way of looking at my journey. Suffice it to say, the conversation didn't go much further than that. But all of that being said, I was consumed by that culture, and periods of cross dressing or even thinking about wanting to be Alicia (by this point, she had a name) came with great shame. 

But she (Alicia) was becoming louder and louder in my mind, and this same season would be the first time she truly manifested herself in external ways, and in ways that I still experience today. During this same season (Spring of 2010), my wife (girlfriend at the time) Jamie joined a Christian Sorority, and really found a place of belonging there. Every Monday, as part of the sorority rules, Jamie would dress up a bit more than usual, and even a bit more than she did for me. While it was very selfish and unhealthy for me to do it, I'd get really jealous of her dressing up for them (but not always for me). It was one of those kind of things that set a theme for the season for me, and very similar to the season I find myself in now (see my last blog post about that). During that season, I always told Jamie two things: First, "this is me, not you," and second: "please don't quit the sorority because of me!" Joining those girls was one of the best things Jamie ever did for herself, and I'm so glad that, despite the grief I'd give her at times, she persisted. I've apologized to her so many times for my behavior during that time (including as I was writing this), but also acknowledged the jealousy and hurt I felt during that season too, mostly because she was doing something for/with them that I wish she would do for/with me. At the time, I thought it all came down to wishing that she'd dress up more often for me... even on nice dates, jeans and a t-shirt or casual blouse were the most common outfit she'd wear, and I always wanted to see more. To this day, I love it when Jamie dresses up for me (I mean, just look at her in that picture at the top of this post... I'm in love!!!), but I don't put the kind of pressure on her that I used to... what's interesting is that it wasn't transitioning that caused me to cool it in that department; it was getting married... they say that your spouse is a mirror to your behavior, and it wasn't until shortly after we got married that I realized how toxic my pressuring Jamie to dress up more was... so I cooled it down. Back to her joining a sorority... while I was definitely jealous that she was dressing up more often for them, it wasn't until I worked on an Instagram series for my 40th birthday that I realized that there was something else much deeper going on... I wanted to be a part of a sisterhood myself! 

So let me go back another two years... I ALWAYS loved seeing what the ladies in my church were doing. Girl's night out, afternoon high teas, progressive dinners, etc. But the guys? Nothing. I have my opinions on that, but I once attempted to fill that void by arranging for a guy's night at a friend's house with a BBQ, poker, and just hanging out. And we all started having fun...

Until Football came on... anyone who knows me knows I'm not a big fan of Football. In fact, I half jokingly call it a religion! This "guys night" was a good example of that... the moment the game came on, every single guy was like a fucking lemming. No talking, no fellowship, no fun... just sitting there watching these underpaid college students toss around a lemon-shaped piece of leather in the hopes that maybe they'll land in the NFL. I was going to plan another guys night, but guess what the guys wanted to do then... yep, more fucking Football! I gave up... I realized that I was never going to get the kind of relationships, fellowship, or community with guys that I needed. I fit more in with the girls. Unfortunately, the evangelical church LOVES separating guys and girls like it's a middle school dance, so I wasn't really going to get any kind of community. 

The truth was, I needed sisters! I needed the kind of friendships and community that THE Alicia (not me... but the Alicia who inspired my name) invited me to join during my senior year of high school (long story short, Alicia invited me to hang out with and connect with her group of friends at lunch, and most were girls... the group really felt like a sisterhood... and it was the closest thing I'd ever had to one until I started transitioning). But it was almost impossible to find it. And it was almost impossible to make my own version of it too. 

So, fast forward back to 2010, when I saw Jamie finding her group of sisters, I totally felt jealous of her. I never admitted it at the time, and honestly haven't truly realized it until pretty recently, but I really needed sisterhood. Was I also jealous that Jamie was spending so much time with them? Of course. Was I jealous that she'd dress up for them? Yep. But even as date nights became more common, and even as Jamie dressed up more (I even offered to take her clothes shopping), something still felt off for me. The truth was that I wanted the kind of community, with the kind of people (ladies), that Jamie was having. I was so glad she was having such a great time, but I wanted it for myself too. 

I'm really proud of Jamie for persisting through my bullshit and for pressing in to that sorority. I moved away for graduate school less than six months later, and those girls provided her with so much love, support, and community that I was blown away by. To this day, she has a small handful of sorority sisters that are still present in her life (including her Big Sis, who is one of her best friends, and now one of my best friends too! She participated in our original wedding [as the Matron of Honor], and as we are preparing to renew our vows soon, I'm very hopeful that she will participate in that too). All but one of her bridesmaids came from that sorority, and as I mentioned, we are still in regular contact with several of those girls. If you are reading this, I'm so sorry for how jealous I was, but also so thankful for the role you played in Jamie's life, and for giving her sisterhood. 

Now let's fast forward to present day. In my last blog post, I wrote so much about what I'm calling "The Next Phase of my Transition," and it's all about finding sisterhood. The catalyst for this season was a misunderstanding between myself and another awesome lady that left me feeling really, well, unwanted. Just like it hurt to see Jamie having the time of her life with her sisters, it was hard to see them all having the time of their life and wishing so hard that I could be there with them too... but feeling left out. Has that incident affected me in this season? Absolutely! But, other than the harm my behavior caused (just like with Jamie joining her sorority), I'm really thankful the incident happened. It made me realize that I needed to change something... I needed to pursue sisterhood more actively (rather than just signing up for events). So many of the highlights I shared in my last blog (such as Paint the Town, going to Keystone, etc...) were possible because I pursued them, got involved, and made friends. And one of the best things to come out of it has been genuine sisterhood. I hyped up my friend Natalie last time, and while I honestly consider her one of my best friends, she's just one example of a gal pal that I consider like a sister now! A major blessing has been that, in addition to my pursuit of sisterhood, I've seen people pursuing friendship with me too! It's been incredible, and something I'm so thankful for! I see myself growing and changing so much in this season, and I also see places where I'm, well, wanted (including spaces and people that I once feared I was unwanted from). I'm a blessed girl! 

 

This girl, Jenna D, was the very first trans woman I opened up to about Alicia. I consider her my "trans mom" in so many ways! 

This is Jenna V, who I met at Keystone this year, though we've talked a bunch online before. She's such an encouragement to me.

 

These are Julie S and Kristi L, who I met through "Paint the Town." The weekend is Julie's creation, and something I LOVED doing. 

I CANNOT, in good conscience, talk about sisters without bringing Natalie up again! She's probably been my closest social media friend since I started using social media as Alicia, someone whose journey isn't too different from mine (in terms of the kind of questions she was asking, how she explored those answers, etc), and frankly, just an awesome person. 

An elevator lobby shot with one of my biggest trans role models, Hannah (she's the one wearing the formal gloves), a couple of MN T-Girls, and our amazing photographer Shannonlee.

 

Julie Z. Rubenstein (right) and Savannah Hauk (left) from "The Fox and the Phoenix Podcast," an award-winning podcast for crossdressers and transgender women. Both have been so cool to me, and I'm thankful I met them at Keystone. I've since become one of Julie's clients (www.foxandhanger.com), and I really hope to bump into Savannah at future events. I call this photo "The Fox, The Phoenix, and The Alicia."

It's also important to highlight not just my trans and crossdressing sisters, but also my cisters (it's not just trans women who I've made sisterhood with!)

 

My friends Erika and Traci at a Galentines night.

Bernadette and Alex having Galentines Tea with Jamie and myself.

Like I said, I'm very blessed. I think the phrase "ask and you shall receive" rings true here. But before I finish this, I want to go back to what all kicked it off... the incident from last Fall. I can't imagine anyone who was involved with that would want me to keep bringing it up, but while it really was just a silly misunderstanding, I took it so hard. But what it represented, a dashed opportunity for sisterhood, gutted me... that's not the host's fault or the fault of anyone involved with that event, but just like I put so much on Jamie while she was starting off with her sorority sisters, I seriously gave grief to some of the girls involved in that event. If you see this, know that I will always be sorry for my behavior. But I also want you to know that the whole incident has led to a period of meaningful growth for me, and a better understanding of WHY I took things so hard... because I need sisters! 

And over the past several months, I've both found sisters, and found sisterhood in many friendships I've had... some for years! 

So yes, I'm very blessed.

 

Before I wrap this up, I do want to highlight one special sisterhood that, honestly, has been life changing for me. I mentioned her a little bit in my last blog, but I really didn't share a whole lot about what she does, and a really cool Sisterhood (it's literally called that) that she has created...

 

This is Jennifer Marie, but she regularly goes by "Jenn"

 

Jennifer Marie is the author of "Ask Me Anything, My Transparent Transition Story" (you can find that Here) and the Owner/Founder of Jennspire, a Gender Identity coaching service focused on finding your Gender Equilibrium (TM... yes, she got that term trademarked... she's also a phenomenal and savvy businesswoman). Last December, Jamie and I were driving down to San Diego for the holidays, and I simply wasn't in a place to be left to my thoughts, so after seeing an advertisement for her book on Instagram, I decided to download the audio book, and play it on the drive down. By the time we made our first rest stop, I was sending her a message thanking her for the book and sharing the impact that it (mind you I was only a couple of hours into the audio book at this moment). Jenn responded, and by the second rest stop, we were going back and forth talking about things in the book that resonated with me. By the third stop (it was a 9 hour drive), I was signing up for Jennspire, and by the end of the road trip, we were social media friends and sisters... In the last two hours of the audio book, both Jamie and I were cheering and hooting and hollering anytime Jenn had a major milestone, and boo'ing or "aww"ing when she' have a setback. It was like having a third person in the car, and by the end, it genuinely felt like she was a sister. But actually, in addition to Jennspire, Jenn had also created a space that has been perfect for me and many other gender expansive girls (crossdressers, trans women, dual gender, etc...) to connect, grow together, and become friends with... The Jennspire Sisterhood: 

 

 

The Jennspire Logo... learn more about Jennspire at www.jennspire.com

 

Let me say that I'm not getting paid to say this, but meeting Jenn and joining the Jennspire Sisterhood has been life changing for me! Because so many of them are still in the closet I won't mention too many names, but I think about ladies like Brynn, Michelle, Sophia, Myka, and so on that, through the sisterhood, have become friends. I mentioned Kip above... she surprised Jenn and I at Keystone a few months ago, and I ran up to her and gave her the biggest hug when I saw her. Meeting Jenn face to face was such a blessing! I've already seen several fellow sisters in person, and hope to meet more face-to-face in the future. I've only been a member since Christmas, and it's been one of the biggest gifts I could have ever asked for. I've also since began Gender Equilibrium counseling with Jenn (so I'm not just a friend, but a client), and I can say with certainty that she is INCREDIBLE at what she does. If you want to learn more, check out www.jennspire.com . 

 

So what's next? To be honest, I'm processing a lot of things right now about all of this. Writing this blog helped quite a bit. I didn't realize how deep my need for sisterhood (not just community... but sisterhood!) was until just these past few weeks, and, as important, how that needed manifested itself in so many ways, sometimes not good ways, in my life and in my behavior. There are people I'd love to reconcile with (or at least apologize to), others who I've already apologized to and have been forgiven by, and praise God the largest group has been the people who I've thanked for helping me along this journey. I've also experienced a boom period in community, but I think in the future, I might gear that towards focusing on sisterhood. I hope to visit Natalie more, and hope she'll come out someday to visit me. I hope to see some more Jennspire sisters in person. I hope that, even if some sisterhoods are mostly online, that we find opportunities to connect in person over the next few years. I also hope that for those who are really just meant to be acquaintances, that I can discern that and act appropriately... one of the things that has come from my coaching with Jenn is that I was trying to turn every person I interacted with into a best friend... I was getting pretty pushy about it earlier this year, but I think I'm finding a better cadence and acting more appropriately too. It's crazy to read back over this and see how HUMAN I am, and yet, how much wisdom can be found in these words. I'm so proud of the growth I've experienced recently, am so blessed by the friends and gal pals who have been by my side, and honestly excited to continue building into them in the future.

 

There's a lot to dread currently in 2025 America as a Transgender woman, but personally, there is so, so much I'm looking forward to. I hope to keep updating you all about what happens next on here! 

 

Hugs! 

 

-Alicia 

Entering the next Phase of my Transition

 

Me and 15 of my new best friends at Paint the Town, 2025. Photo Credit: Chris Nightengale

Wow! It's been about six months since I wrote my last blog (at least the last one that I had the nerve to publish). I'd be lying, however, if I said that it's been a period too boring to share; on the contrary, the past six months have been crazy! There's all the global stuff like the instillation of a fascist leader in America who is actively trying to take away my (and my community's) rights. But there's also been a ton of personal stuff... some very difficult, while others very joyous. To say that it's been an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement, and a bad one at that. EVERYTHING has shifted in the past six months, including where I find community, who considers me a friend, what my needs are as a person, and what my goals are in my transition. If you asked me three months ago, I would voiced regret over something really stupid I did back in September, but now I've realized that this paradigm shift I'm experiencing was going to happen no matter what... it just needed a catalyst. 

That catalyst came last September in the form of an interpersonal conflict that, mostly due to my own sensitivity and insecurity, spiraled out of control. I won't go into details, other than to say there was a misunderstanding regarding a retreat for fellow CD's/Transwomen, poor communication regarding the misunderstanding, and I ended up taking the whole thing way too personally. Damage has been caused by that incident, and, to this day, I've had a hard time handling what happened. 

I think that is the first big issue that surfaced... I took the whole incident very hard, but WHY did I? What was it about this incident that bothered me so much? I know enough now (from therapy sessions, talking with people who coordinate similar events, and just one-on-ones with friends and family) that I wasn't in the wrong for feeling hurt, and even taking the situation as personally as I did, but why did it tear me down so much? Why was it such a big deal? Why did I act out so much? And is there a root cause of this hurt? 

The answer to that question has taken me several months to find. And in that time, I went to Minneapolis to visit my friend Hannah, Albany to visit my friend Natalie, Chicago (I was just there in case my wife needed anything, but I met up with several trans friends too, such as Julie and Myka), Chicago again (this time, for Paint the Town, which was coordinated by the same Julie I got to visit in the previous month), and the Keystone Gender Conference in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. 

All of these gatherings, get togethers, and girl's weekends offered up a piece of the puzzle, and it all finally came together this past weekend while I was attending my friend/sister/gender identity coach Jennifer Marie's workshop on finding your Gender Equilibrium (TM... it's her term!). Her stuff is amazing, and her story is really impactful. However, for the longest time, I thought of "Gender Equilibrium" as a term referring solely to gender identity and gender expression. At this point, I feel I have those mostly nailed down. I have never felt as confident or comfortable with my identity as a transgender woman (and trans women are women!) as I do now! Not a day goes by where I feel less at peace with my transition than I did the day before. It's seriously been one of the biggest blessings I could have ever asked for. But as Jenn was going through her presentation, and as the discussion was happening, a couple of really good points were brought up: 

First, Gender Equilibrium is a moving target.

But more importantly for me, Finding Gender Equilibrium requires far more than just peace with your gender identity or gender expression. Namely, social needs, habits, and even personality change significantly, and honestly, I didn't realize how much I ignored that component of my transition until this ordeal happened...

...The truth is that Terrence, who was happy being a part of the crowd with few, if any deep relationships (besides my marriage), and was also happy being a lone rider at times, isn't the same as Alicia, who values deeper interpersonal relationships, sisterhood, intentional time to "girl out," and wants to get to know as many other CD's/Trans-girls as possible. And I think it makes a lot of sense...

Like it or not, men and women socialize with each other very differently, and Terrence socialized with others very differently than Alicia does. I don't want to get into the specifics, but it's clear that my social needs, and my social strengths and my weaknesses have changed a lot. And the first point brought up from Jenn's workshop actually fits here too: 

When I first began exploring who Alicia was, I kept my findings pretty close to my vest (or, you can say "I put them in my bra," haha). Once I realized that I was going to transition, I was mostly inward focused on the first few years... yes, I had a great community on social media (especially Instagram, which is why I'd say it's my primary platform these days), and I had friends and relationships I poured into... but the truth was that I was more focused on coming out, figuring out how transitioning was going to look like, making a plan, and re-integrating myself into the world as Alicia. I was less worried about community and more worried about getting my name legally changed, figuring my hair out, getting a sense of style, and embracing my identity as Alicia. Still, I had some experiences connecting with fellow trans folx... I got to meet my favorite blogger in 2022, a week later, I got to meet a social media gal pal who lives in Canada. I got involved in Silicon Valley Pride, and had some really cool experiences. 

This worked until, I'd say, late 2023...

In November of 2023, I flew pretty (an expression for flying en femme) for the first time to visit my blogger friend Hannah for the 10 year anniversary of her social club, the MN T-Girls. While there, I had such a warm, uplifting experience, and left with a full heart. It felt like something I've always wanted to experience... gender affirming in a way... it felt like a community of sisters! I knew that this wouldn't necessarily be MY community (because they were in Minnesota and I'm from California... I was mostly visiting to celebrate my friend Hannah and what she has done!), but it was still very special. 

So this brings me to a huge distinction between the social habits of women vs. men... I want to say that I am making generalizations here, so if this doesn't perfectly fit you, please don't be offended... it's very YMMV: Ladies like to hang out together... in groups usually. In high school, you would see lots of different "cliques" of girls that would do everything together... go to the mall together, go to Prom together, and do life together. I even saw it quite a bit in college. Men tend to be a lot more individualistic (simply not as much hanging out, unless it's to see the game or something). Did I hang out with my bros when I was still Terrence... yes, but it really wasn't the same. I'm not sure how much more I can explain it, but the nature of community is very different as a woman than it was as a man. And now that I'm sort of at cruising altitude when it comes to my medical and social transition (I've accomplished most of the stuff I wanted to in those areas... there are still some goals in the future, but nothing major that's going to happen in the next year or two), I'm beginning to think about the other elements of my transition, and the unfortunate ordeal from last fall has really made me realize that my next big priority is finding sisterhood... 

Thankfully, I've been very successful so far. 

My gal pal Natalie and I enjoying a fun visit

But I've also had challenges. A quote that I picked up from Dylan Mulvaney's new book that's been helping me is "The more you try to force something, the less likely it will happen." In December and January, I aggressively pursued friendship with a few different people, and it wasn't always welcomed. In fact, one person was so annoyed that they left me a scathing message... they were right, but, ouch! A second person voiced feeling uncomfortable with how strong I was coming on after I reached out to ask... I felt terrible... I still do. But it was helpful feedback, and gives more credence to the idea that this is a transition for me... there's going to be trial and error. If one of the two people I pushed away with my overly enthusiastic reads this, I hope you know that I'm really sorry I did that... not an excuse, but I overcorrected from another extreme, and I promise I never meant any harm or any creepiness. 

All that being said, I feel like where I'm headed now is both making up for lost time by getting as involved in more events such as Paint the Town and Keystone, while building closer one-on-one friendships with people like Natalie. I'm really excited to make more fun memories with everyone I'm privileged to meet, have more deep conversations and sisterhood with gal pals. While I regret the people whose feathers I've ruffled in all of this, I'm really glad it all happened... I've grown so much, found so much community, and have gotten to know myself and my needs better too. I see myself becoming a better person because of all of this... a better friend... a better contributor...

...a better Trans woman!

Hugs!

-Alicia

When you feel like you "don't have it"

A typical morning selfie, like the ones I post everyday on my social media.

To be honest, I'm not writing this to bestow some kind of pearl of wisdom about how to pick yourself up by your bootstraps when you don't feel like it... I've never been good at that, and in fact I find the whole idea to be toxic (yes, sometimes we just need a good slap to get ourselves going, but more times than not, we're stuck and when someone tells us to just keep pulling yourself up, it can do more harm than good). But I feel like, for some reason, the past month has been a season where I've lost my mojo. 

I'll write about this in some other blog post, but last month, my wife and I went to the United Kingdom for the first time... it was a pleasant trip, and we got to do lots of cool stuff. But since returning, I've felt really really sluggish. First, I thought it was just jet lag, but it's been almost three weeks since we've been back, and I barely got out of bed yesterday. Last weekend (Labor Day weekend), I stayed home 3 of the 4 days, and spent most of that time in bed. Anything that requires getting up before 9am is a draaaaaaaggggggg for me right now (thankfully my schedule is all afternoon stuff this term), and even after just a few hours up, I'm ready to go to bed. I'd love to talk about it with my doctor, but she just very quickly goes to blaming it on my weight (I've been big my whole life... yes, I'm getting older, but this level of exhaustion doesn't feel right). 

 But this past weekend, it feels like that exhaustion is being amplified by some negative thinking too. Yesterday, as I was getting myself up, I was thinking the whole time "Am I really Alicia?" "I still see Terrence a lot in myself... and I feel like him a lot," and this morning, when I took the selfie above, I honestly felt dysphoric about what I was seeing. I felt like I was seeing HIM much more than her. 

I know many who would encourage me, tell me that they don't remember a time when I wasn't Alicia, or point out all of the progress I've made in my transition, and their words are 100% correct and valid. But it's very easy to let the constant public debate about the validity of transgender individuals sink in, and it's very easy to give in to the thought that "I have never been, nor can I ever be a woman." 

I really don't want to talk about all of that controversy, mostly because I don't want to get into the nuances of the debate... It becomes too easy to get swallowed up in the exceptions to the rules, and use those exceptions to invalidate the vast majority of experiences (for example, the regret rate for transitioning is less than 1%... but for those who want a narrative to reduce access to gender affirming care, they will find and parade those 1%'ers as an argument that, because they regretted transitioning that none of us should be allowed to transition), but I will assert that Transgender Women ARE Women, Transgender Men ARE Men, and while it's absolutely true that a transgender person may not have the same experiences or background as a cisgender person, it doesn't make their existence any less valid. 

Okay, now with that aside, I have to admit that I haven't been feeling much like a woman lately. I've felt like a lazy slob who just feels... well... stuck. I feel like things that I normally take joy in (like doing my makeup or even picking out an outfit) are just going through the motions lately. I think some of that is to be expected (I mean, I'm half way through my third year of living full time as Alicia... it can't always be as thrilling as it was the first time I got prettied up!), but this just feels... well... different. I'm not sure what it is or why it's happening, but if I could be honest, it also is giving me some level of thankfulness. 

Last week, I had a brief moment where I think that "OMG OMG OMG" Alicia joy came out and I was reminded that she is still there... I was returning a pair of boots I bought from Torrid (the calves were, ironically for someone of my size, too large, and so I wanted to exchange them for smaller calf boots), and as I was walking in I saw this wonderfully dressed mannequin. 

Anyone who follows my Facebook account (yep, showing my age) knows that, recently, I was "complaining" (think "first world problem" complaining) about having too many clothes. The plan is to purge some of my older clothes that either no longer fit or don't match my "style" anymore. But part of the plan has also included intending to "slow down" my spending on new clothes (seriously... five years ago, I was spending a ton building up a beer cellar... now IDGAF about that and I just want to build a bigger wardrobe), but for some reason, this outfit screamed "ALICIA", and I had to try it on: 

Other than feeling a little "eek" about my double-chin (still need to lose weight), this outfit triggered massive amounts of gender euphoria. Whats interesting is that the top is technically a bralette that, with a full coverage bra underneath, works as a perfect blouse. The skirt and belt screamed "FALL" and the whole outfit just made me gush. 

Yeah, I bought it... yeah, I feel some shame... but when the larger bralette and matching under-bra arrive and the weather finally begins to feel like fall, I'm going to throw this on with a pair of brown boots, grab a pumpkin spice latte, and walk around a block with lots of changing trees! You better believe I'll be getting my basic white girl on in this outfit! 

There was one other thing that, honestly, has been positive about this little "funk" I'm in... while I mentioned not feeling like a woman, I also really don't see/feel like a man anymore either. I mentioned seeing "HIM" in the mirror earlier in this post, but it didn't feel like seeing a man... but seeing old semblances of "Terrence." Let me be honest for a second... I never felt like a man as Terrence... I didn't see a woman in the mirror, but I certainly didn't see (or really felt) like a man... I don't know how to describe that without getting into a lot of gendered stereotypes, but I've always been more, well, androgynous... I don't think I'd say nonbinary either... I'm not sure what I'd say, but I was trying to live an act like a man because, well, that's what was expected of me. As soon as I was given permission to step outside of that expectation, it wasn't long before I realized that I wanted to transition, and not long after that I realized there was no "want" about it... that transitioning was what needed to happen. What's crazy is that I'm a little over a month away from the 4-year mark of that day my egg fully broke... and next month, I'll be marking 2 years on HRT, and 1 year specifically on progesterone. 

So what the hell am I getting at? Well, as mentioned earlier, I really don't know. What I do know is that I love who I am, even when I'm not feeling much like a woman, I'm not feeling like a man either, and it doesn't take much to remind me of who I am, and why. 

The other thing I'll say here is, to be honest, I know I'll pull out of this funk. This isn't the kind of thing where people need to do wellness checks on me, nor is it a feeling of defeat or doom. I've tried working on a series on the deepest depression I've gone through (I kind of stopped when I realized that so much of what I was saying was bashing a few of the churches I used to be a part of, and while I think the humanity of ministry certainly played a role, I'm too thankful for the time I had in ministry to bash all of it either... I don't think that would be a 100% fair portrayal of things, so I've been sorting that out), but two of the biggest components were a MASSIVE sugar rush followed by some pretty significant circumstantial bumps that caused my morale to plunge... there are some elements of that here (namely coming off of the sugar rush that getting to finally live as Alicia has made for me), but this feels significantly less "doom spiral," and honestly, just a moment where I'm taking an emotional breather. I would say that, besides the terror I feel about the upcoming election, things are going pretty well! I have a lot of stuff to look forward to, and I'm pretty excited about my future. I've also had some pretty awesome things happen over the last few months too. 

So I guess what I'm saying is that I'll pull through... and these kind of funks are meant to be "pull-throughable" 

Hugs!

-Alicia