To each their own (transition!)

 ...I actually took that title from a blog I was reading from the wife of a transgender person over 15 years ago (yes... as I've said before, none of this is new to me). I don't think that blog exists anymore, or where that couple is, but it felt like a great title for what I want to share tonight. 

So I just came from my friend Jenna's "weenie roast" a few hours ago (picture of us below), and I am so thrilled to see her approaching the finish line of her transition. 

 

As I wrote on Wednesday, I feel like I'm moving on from the baby stages of my transition and the past few days have had me thinking a lot about where my finish line is. To be honest, I have no idea. And while I've made it a goal to figure it out in 2024, I seriously don't know if that will actually happen, and that leads me to something important that I want to say here: 

Regardless of where you started, where you are at right now, or where you want your transition to end up, your transness is 100% valid! You are valid: 

• Whether you are out and proud, or if your true identity is deep behind closed doors.
• Whether you want to get ALL the surgeries you can, or if you don't want to/can't get any of them.
• Whether you are on hormones or not. 
• Whether your gender identity lies somewhere within the binary or not.
• Whether you have all of your next steps planned out, or like me, honestly don't know what's next. 
• Whether your goalposts are changing constantly.
  
• Whether you have taken any steps towards transitioning or not.
• Whether transitioning is even a goal for you... the "trans" in transgender DOES NOT mean "transition," and if someone else tells you that, they are wrong! 
• Whether you dress to the nines every time you present as your affirmed gender, or you simply put on clear nail polish.
• Also, I want to say this too... you are also valid if you once identified as transgender and no longer do (whether you were forced back in, de-transitioned willingly, or just don't feel like you identify with being transgender). 
  

And I personally don't mind catching criticism for this (sorry Transmeds... you are just as bad as Transphobes and TERFs IMO! Any sect that is excluding to members of our community isn't a trans-affirming sect), but the only person who can define if you are transgender or not is YOU!

The reason why I can say this with so much confidence is because at some point in my journey, I'd practically checked off every one of those dots above... all while confidently identifying as transgender. While I didn't finally blurt out my need to transition into a woman until late Halloween night, 2020, I identified as transgender (even just to myself and to my wife) at least a couple of years before that. There was a time where NOBODY but my wife knew I identified as transgender. There was a time where anything/everything Alicia related was behind closed doors. There was a time where my only expression of Alicia beyond those closed doors was wearing a skirt and boots while Zoom teaching. There was a time where I wanted to do EVERYTHING to prevent myself from transitioning. I went full time and transitioned at work a good six months before I took my first hormone pill. I know many who go longer, and some never take HRT. For a year and a half, I identified as bi-gender... during that time, I was trying so hard to live a life as Alicia while still holding on to my life as Terrence. I know a few people (like one of my biggest role models Hannah McKnight) who have done it, and successfully. I tried... and it didn't work out.. and that's okay! I have no idea what the end of my transition will look like... right now, I'm holding on to see what HRT does, and plan to evaluate over the next few years... so my goalposts are very fluid, and I may pursue a surgery or two... or I may not (please refer to my last blog about where I land on bottom surgery... I really don't feel comfortable repeating it). 

At the end of the day, what I'm trying to say is, no matter where you are under the transgender umbrella, there's plenty of room under here, and while there are those sects that like to gate keep being transgender, I promise you there are way, way, way more of us who welcome you with open arms, and want you with us.

So regardless of what anyone says (even me)... YOU ARE VALID!!!  

Trans teenhood: Moving on from my "Baby Trans" phase.

I strongly believe that a huge part of any transgender person's journey is development and growth. I also believe that, like a human life cycle, transgender people go through different stages of being transgender. I mean, think about it... all of us have a moment where we think "hmmmm... something is off with who I am." That's birth; while I believe that a person is born transgender, I also believe that there is a moment where they journey down the pink-blue-white road begins, and that would be considered (by me) to be the birth stage of a person's exploration of who they are. For some, this is when their "egg cracked," (terminology for coming out of your shell and embracing your true self), but for others, it can start way before that, and for others, it can be a long process of questioning and exploration. I don't want to get bogged down in the "birth" stage of being transgender because, frankly, it can be very convoluted (for me, was it the first time I wanted a MySize Barbie so I could wear the dress? Was it the August afternoon in 1997 when I was reclining in my Mom's house thinking, for the first time, that I wanted to be a woman, or would it be the night that I finally blurted out to Jamie "I need to transition!"? Or could it be the dozens of other major memories that I can look back on?). So let me get to the real meat and potatoes of this blog post... 

After you come to terms with being transgender, you begin a journey. At the beginning of that journey, you, just like a baby, are getting a feel for the new world around you. You are trying to establish a style, getting used to things like wigs and makeup, starting out very rough usually (pictured below is from the very first time I fully dressed as Alicia... it was so terrible that I don't even consider it my Aliciaversery), and trying to get the hang of things. This phase usually involves being closeted or only being out to a few people, having very little sense of who you are, and so on. I didn't even know how to properly apply eyeshadow at the time, let alone style a wig, or find ways to feminize my "masculine" features. I knew nothing... other than I identified as a woman. Everything was super exploratory, and I was making mistakes left, right and center. 

This was from the very first time I attempted to dress up as a woman... yikes! 

This was from this morning... still a way to go, but still a long way from where I was! 

Just like a baby, however, I learned how to walk and talk... I learned makeup basics, I learned how to look more appropriately for the outside world. I finally stepped outside into the real world as Alicia. I eventually came out and started transitioning. I'm just two weeks away from celebrating the two year anniversary of the first day I taught a class as Alicia. I just celebrated my first full year of being Alicia full time. There was a time where I deeply depended on having someone hold my hand (figuratively) when it came to things like appearance and support... my journey into being Alicia was aided greatly by a transgender social club in San Jose that, unfortunately, no longer exists. Had that social club gone out of business in the first year or two of my journey, it would have been a near fatal blow to me, and would have definitely slowed down my progress significantly. Now obviously transgender people exist in San Jose regardless of if that club existed or not, so it obviously wasn't the end all be all for trans people... but for my personal journey, it was a crutch... it was my training wheels. I still keep in contact with the owner of that social club, and I consider her to be one of my two "trans moms" (basically mentors). What I'm trying to say here is that nobody learns this stuff on their own, and that was one of the places where I first learned and grew. While I'm sad that social club eventually went away (it was a slow death, spurred on by COVID), I'm thankful that, for other baby trans people, there are other places for them to get the same kind of support, even if they are different institutions than a business. 

During this whole time, the other person I considered a "trans mom," an awesome lady named Jenna, would regularly refer to me as a "baby trans." I think it's a very appropriate term for someone who is, at least relatively speaking, starting out on their transgender journey... learning to talk the talk and walk the walk. But just last night, when I was dropping some stuff off as Jenna's house for her bottom surgery celebration (I LOVE what she's doing... to celebrate her bottom surgery, she's having a "Weenie Roast!" I think that's fucking brilliant! So I offered to buy all the hotdogs and buns), we were having a conversation, and she once again referred to me as a baby trans, and while I in no way felt offended or thought it was inappropriate (I wouldn't be posting this if I did... instead, I'd be talking privately with Jenna about it instead of blasting her on here), it gave me pause... 

Am I still a baby trans? Is my journey into becoming Alicia still in its infancy? I mean, let me briefly share my milestones: 

• I got fully dressed/made up as a woman for the first time... and second... and third... and now probably coming up on 1000th day presenting as Alicia.
• I fully came out to everyone... I'm no longer hiding this behind closed doors. 
• I set foot into the world as Alicia for the first time. Now I'm always Alicia when I go out... there is no space where I am still Terrence.
• I have fully transitioned socially... meaning that I no longer conduct business or act publicly in any way as Terrence... EVERYTHING is now as Alicia. I even legally changed my name and gender marker last year. 
• I started my medical transition about two and a half years ago... first with laser hair removal (I need to get back on that), and I'm now about a year and a half on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). 

Yes, there is still a lot of learning and growth to go... still a lot of skills I need to pick up, and a lot of coping mechanisms that I need to learn. But I'm certainly beyond the point where, like a baby, I'm completely incapable of sustaining myself as Alicia, and in fact am pretty independent now. Being transgender is no longer a new thing to me... I still talk a lot about it because I'm still exploring more and more about it, and tackling more and more issues (family, physical, social, etc) related to being transgender, but I'm certainly beyond the need for training wheels or someone to help me with the most basic of things. However, I'm also most definitely not as Jenna's point in my transition... I'm definitely still quite away from those who have completed their transition and are living their lives, essentially as people who just so happen to be transgender rather than trans people (in other words, being trans is kind of a secondary thing about them, whereas being transgender is still very much at the forefront of who I am). I still have very thin skin, I still suck a makeup, and I couldn't pass to save my life (not that you need to pass to be successfully transgender... passing is a fallacy, but that's for another time). I'm still very much in a place where I need mentorship and upbringing. So all of that being said, submitted for the approval of the entire transgender community, I'd like to propose a new term: 

Trans Teenhood... or Teen Trans... or Teeny Trans (though that might not work). 

Let me explain why this term makes sense to me, and why I think it perfectly fits where I am. Like an actual teenager, teen trans: 

1. Are fairly independent... I don't need someone to do my makeup, help me pick out clothes, or do any of the basic things that a trans person needs to function. You can leave me alone for a while and I'll still be able to take care of myself. 
2. Know a lot more than they used to... but still have a lot to learn. I know how to put on a half decent face... but my makeup skills still need work. I am capable of appropriately presenting as Alicia, but there are still giveaways that I need to work on. 
3. Are still not fully detached from their "old self." I still see the lasting effects of male privilege in how I act, what I say, and how I view things. Case in point, yesterday, I made a comment defending Jo Koy's joke about Taylor Swift at the Golden Globes, and it was because I saw the joke as less about her and more about the NFL's obsession with her. A few women shared their perspective with me, and explained how the joke could be seen as hurtful and offensive to Taylor, and while I still saw it as more of a quip on the NFL's constant showing of her, I think he at least should apologize to her. 
4. Are "know it all's." Even writing this, I'm sure there will be far more mature people reading it and thinking "she's full of shit!" Truth be told, I'm at the point where I know enough to be functional as Alicia, but I still don't know enough to keep myself out of trouble. I still engage with transphobes on social media, thinking I'm going to make a point or find a "gotcha" when, in all honesty, there's nothing I can say or do that is going to shut them up or change their minds. They are going to think what they think, no matter what. And yet, I still keep talking. I also still do stuff that I'm sure my elder trans friends think is silly, or even inappropriate. But I'm pretty confident in who I am, and at times, I can be very stubborn about it. Someone critiqued my eye makeup a few months ago, and I wanted to get all butthurt about it... thankfully that's when my 38 year old self's wisdom intervenes and I realize that they are just trying to be helpful, and I need to learn from them. 
5. Are hormonal... literally! I'm only a year and change into HRT, and I started a new hormone this past October. These are changing my body, and making it react in ways it never has before. Most of those ways are completely expected and even beneficial... but there are side effects. I've noticed that I am more sensitive to allergens than I previously was... in fact, this past year, I was hospitalized three different times for a mystery swelling that turned out to just be a subcutaneous allergic reaction... I've always had the allergy, but because estrogen programs your body to act differently than testosterone does, my body now responds to it differently. The HRT is NOT causing the reactions or their underlying cause... it's just training my body to handle them differently. I literally had the same swelling incident happen this past week while on Vacation in Portland... but I now know that Predisone for a night combined with Pepcid bring the swelling down rapidly. I was back to my regular self the next afternoon, with no lingering side effects. At the end of the day, I've realized that I need to treat Alicia's body different than I did Terrence's... and that's a common trait of a teenager. 
6. Adults still think we are children... and we don't like that even though we really are. I can remember, when I turned 13, I no longer qualified for the Children's admission price at the movies, but since I was barely 13, my family (who oftentimes had few nickels to rub together) would still insist on trying to pass me off as a 12 year old to get the discount. I never went along with it because I didn't see the bigger picture... I just saw that I was still being called a kid and I hated it. I'm sure it annoyed them to no end, but I was insistent that I was no longer a kid, and didn't want to be kept in that box. However, even though I no longer qualified for the child discount, I was still, in very many ways, a child. Going back to my trans journey, when Jenna called me a baby trans again yesterday, I almost wanted to go "wait a second! I think I've grown beyond that phase!" And in many ways, I have (hence this blog post)... but in the eyes of Jenna (and many other experienced trans people), I am still very much a newbie, and certainly less mature because I am! That's why Jenna can still call me a baby trans, and I won't hate her for it. Also Jenna, if you read this, please know that you don't need to stop calling me a baby trans... compared to where you are at in the journey, I am very much still in my infancy and so like adults call teenagers children (and even babies), labeling me a baby trans is perfectly appropriate... the point I'm making in this blog is that "teen trans" may be a more appropriate term for me.
7. Can babysit, mentor, and even care for baby trans. I think one of the biggest things that convinces me that I've moved on from my baby trans phase is that, well, I now have baby trans people looking up to me, and seeking guidance and mentorship from me... and I'm in a place where I can give it. I currently have at least one friend whom I've sheparded, offered advice and suggestions to, and regularly check in on... even though we came out to each other at the same time, they are on a much earlier part of their journey than I am, and so I'm able to impart wisdom and skills on them that I couldn't have in my baby trans phase. As a college professor, I've had numerous opportunities to support students who have been questioning their gender, and I'd like to think of myself as someone who has passed down my experience in transitioning to them. Going back to my friend Jenna (sorry for bringing you up so much), I met her when she was in her baby trans phase... and while she is far from that now, there were certainly times where the advice or mentorship she provided me still had that immaturity of a baby trans in it... and I see myself doing the exact same thing with the person I'm mentoring (for example, I've told them numerous times "just transition and get it over with..." but that's honestly not the best advice to give someone who is still struggling with who they are), and I'm sure I've fallen short for my students at times too. It's a part of the process... a part of the journey. We look back on shit we did/said to someone earlier in their journey and go "ooooh! I probably shouldn't have said that." But you know what... they still turned out okay, just like you will. 
8. Are starting to think about the future. In my conversation with Jenna (who is literally taking the last step in her medical transition next week), a big piece of advice she gave me was to start thinking long term about my transition. How do I want Alicia to be like in 5... 10... 20 years from now? At this point, the milestones have been relatively fast and furious. I went from stepping out into public as Alicia for the first time to working/living full time as Alicia in a little more than two years. And so every goal I have planned for was "for the next month/quarter/semester/year." When you are a child, the thought of a year seems like forever... I can remember thinking of teaching for the first time as Alicia as some kind of far away goal that I might someday accomplish... almost as a fantasy. And then it happened. Same thing with starting HRT... Same thing with having my last day as Terrence... and yet, those things came fast and furious. But what's next for me? Hormones take years to fully set in... it will still take a long time before my hair grows to a length that I want to keep it as... Jamie and I still have tons more adjusting before we finally reach our new homeostasis with me as a woman (don't get me wrong... we've gone leaps and bounds... but we still have a way to go). So now is the time to start thinking about what my endgame is. How do I want to look like/sound like/be like once my transition is complete? Is it complete yet (no it isn't)? What other things do I need to do? How do I make sure that a rough patch isn't enough to push me into detransitioning (because they happen, and many a trans person reaches a point where they no longer feel comfortable continuing along their journey... though it's actually a very small percentage of the trans community). I will say I know how far I DON'T want to go (though it's inappropriate to ever ask a trans person this, I'll share it anyway; at this time, I have zero desire to ever get bottom surgery, and while there are a few reasons that I'd rather not share here, the biggest one is that I don't feel that I need it... my "feminine flaw" as my friend Hannah calls it, isn't really a source of dysphoria for me, so I don't see a point in going through all of the grueling work for it when I can instead devote that work to other goals in my transition)... but what DO I want? What's my endgame? Are there any surgeries I may want in the future (I think maybe hair plugs to completely get rid of my bald spot and top surgery are the only two I have on the table now)? How far do I want to go for laser hair removal? Do I want to also get electrolysis? Do I want to be able to go stealth if I have to? What about friendship/family/relationship goals? What about my career? Those things that we all think about in the long term are things that I have to think about AS ALICIA... my transition and my friendship/relationship/family/career/health goals are no longer mutually exclusive. I also have to bring this up, but in the political climate that is still quite hostile to transgender people, do I need to think about a safety plan should access to transgender care be taken away federally? What if anti-trans bills like "Don't Say Gay," or the many "Bathroom Bills" being proposed in red states become federal policies? It sucks to have to think of those things, but what would I have to do to protect Jamie and myself should it virtually become criminal (or at least unrecognized) to identify as anything other than the gender you were assigned at birth? Would I need to seek refuge in another country? Where would we go? Would I be in danger if I stayed here? Would Jamie? Those may sound far fetched, but I guaran-fucking-tee you virtually every single transgender person in the United States is either thinking, or needs to be thinking about them. Wow... that went dark quickly... but just like a teenager needs to start thinking long term, I'm at that point in my transition too. 
9. Last, but not least, teen trans people overthink a lot of shit... hence this post. But it was fun writing it! 

Let me close by saying that the term "teen trans" is still very malleable, and so should someone explain to me why it could be seen as offensive or inappropriate, I'm happy to change it... but the concept stays the same... I'm at a point where I'm no longer new to my journey, but I'm certainly a long way from completing it, and definitely still quite young in my transition in the eyes of more experienced trans folx like my friend Jenna (also, sorry I kept bringing you up)... just like a teenager! 

Let me know your thoughts! 

Hugs!

-Alicia 

Photo dump: My Minneapolis Photoshoot.

In November, I had the privilege, and honor of flying out to Minneapolis to see a blogger than I have looked up to for over a decade, and take part of the 10-year celebration of her group the MN-TGirls. 

Her name is Hannah, and you can find her blog here: Hannah's Blog

The last time I visited her, I was surprised (and pretty honored) when she invited me to take part in a photoshoot with her... she does tons of them, and her photographer, Shannonlee, is an absolute rockstar! Her work is phenomenal, as you will soon see... 

Welp, as soon as I expressed interest (back in like February) in flying out for the TGirls 10 year anniversary, she responded with "and if you do, we better do a photoshoot!" (not forcefully, just to be clear... I was super happy to be a part of this). And... 

Normally I have Jamie zip me up... but since she wasn't there...

Hugs,

Alicia
 

My thoughts on Drag...

Disclaimers: First, everything I'm about to say are my thoughts, and mine alone... these do not reflect the views of the transgender community as a whole, or any mainstream views on drag... these are just my opinions, so please don't draw conclusions from these. Second, I can't get through this without using an expletive to describe how I feel about drag, so I guess keep that in mind as you read this. 

During the COVID-19 pandemic (or at least the part where we all actually cared about the virus), I can remember sitting at home, oftentimes with much more free time and much less stuff to do, and fantasizing about what I was going to do when we were all "Let out" into the world again. It didn't take long for me to conclude that I just HAD to go out as Alicia once things opened up again... and it was less than a month after reopening that the dream became a reality. But while it was still a dream, I was thinking of what spaces I'd feel safe going into en femme, and one of the first ones that came to mind was going to a Drag Show. I mean, people intentionally dressing as the opposite gender (BTW drag is MUCH MORE than that!) for a crowd of mostly LGBTQ+ people (that's not true either... drag shows have been overrun by straight people... members of the community have different views on that, so I'd rather they speak for themselves) should totally be a safe place for me to be Alicia at, right? 

Well, when I ran the idea by my transition coach, she talked me out of it, saying that Drag performers can oftentimes prod and poke at those who aren't either gay men or other drag performers (I'm sure I butchered that up enormously, but it's been almost four years, so if you're reading this Aejaie, please don't be mad at me if I misquoted or took anything you said out of context). I don't think she was warning me of hostility, but more so of being in an environment where I'd need to be able to laugh at myself and I'd need to be comfortable with pointed comments from others. Welp, during that same time, my wife Jamie was really getting into drag performers herself, I think mostly as a way of adjusting to her man of 17 years (10 dating and 7 married) suddenly not being a man any longer. I think she wanted to understand me more, and getting to know drag helped her. That being said, once 2021 came around and all of the COVID restrictions went away, we started checking out the local drag scene, and it didn't take me long to develop an opinion about Drag that, unfortunately, can't be done justice without including an expletive in it, so here we go...

I FUCKING LOVE DRAG!!!! 

Pure and simple! While there is a little bit of that sassyness that Aejaie warned me about, the truth is that both Jamie and I felt so deeply welcomed and loved in the drag spaces we started checking out. Whether it was a show with a bunch of RuPaul alumni, or a local drag bingo night at our local watering hole, drag quickly became a warm and welcoming place for us! I'll share a couple of quick stories and experiences below, but before I do, let me share my personal views on drag: 

1. I don't do drag! Alicia is not a drag queen, I don't dress in drag, and drag really isn't my thing. There is a big different between a transgender woman, a crossdresser, and a drag queen. They can intersect in different places, but I'm firmly and comfortably on the side as a transgender woman. Again, someone like Bosco or Kornbread from RuPaul's Drag Race has a different story than I do, but I don't do drag... it's awesome and I love watching it, but it's not my cup of tea.
   
2. Drag is an art about expression: Some elements can be very sexualized while many aren't. Some elements can be way over the top, while others aren't. Some queens wear the craziest costumes while others don't (in fact, the first time I met who is now my favorite local queen, she was wearing this gorgeous LBD with some faux leather panels... it actually bordered on workplace professional, but stayed slightly to the "night out" side of that line... I'll talk more about that queen in a few moments). There is no right or wrong way to do drag, and I've been to shows that have been a little too raunchy, others that were way too dull, but most have been perfectly fine, and some were just good old fashioned fun for the whole family. In fact, there's even a drag queen who has genuinely been an inspiration in my walk with God (I'll write a blog about my testimony someday in the future, but I write about that queen below). I've truly seen something for everyone in Drag. And no, it's not all burlesque or sexually explicit... in fact, I'd say that's the minority.
3. Not sure how old school drag performers are going to feel about this, but Drag is for Everyone! I think it's very important that we keep in mind that, until recently, drag was a very specialized space almost entirely populated by the LGBTQ+ community, and I'd even go more specific to say dominated primarily by gay men... I'm not a drag historian, so I don't want to speak into something I don't fully understand, but what I've come to see in the past few years is that drag has quickly opened up to a much larger group of people... I know straight people who do drag (in fact, I follow one on Instagram @dragwhilestraight), I know women who do drag (both as queens and kings), and you can't tell me that there hasn't been an appreciable number of RuPaul contestants who didn't later come out as transgender. I wouldn't be surprised, though I definitely couldn't prove this, that some trans woman may have even used drag as a means to explore their gender while figuring things out. In another dimension, I'm sure I could have easily been one of those people. But what I'm trying to say is that no single person owns drag (sorry Momma Ru!), and it's a beautiful thing.
4. Drag isn't trying to "groom" your children. Okay, now I want to use more expletives, but I've already said fuck once (oh shit! Now I've said fuck twice... whoops! Thrice! And I said shit! And I just said it again! Fuck! I mean, damn!), so I'mma keep it clean(er) here and say that, from my brief albeit pretty involved time in the LGBTQ+ community, there has never been a single person whose goal was to make a cis-het kid gay or trans... or anything like that. We do want to turn gay/trans kids into adults, but that's a completely different story! Seriously! I've been to several drag queen storytimes, all of which were attended by children with their parents, any queen involved was dressed in an appropriate manner (meaning no g-strings, lots of skin showing, etc... but they still wore pretty dresses and lots of sparkles!) Seriously, the only things taught at a drag queen storytime are to love one another, accept one another, and nobody is weird for exploring who they are. Besides that, there's lots of "Head, shoulders, knees and toes!" dancing and children playing around and, well, just being kids! It's a beautiful thing, not something that we should be spending even a second protesting. I'd argue that the messages being shared at a drag queen storytime are no more controversial than the ones shared in a Sunday school class, and we don't see people protesting them (unless it's Westboro "Baptist" Church or something like that). In fact, most drag queens want nothing to do with children, and make it pretty clear. I promise you... drag queens aren't coming for your kids. They just aren't.
5. Drag is about love, positivity, acceptance, and fun! I have felt loved, accepted, uplifted, and had a ton of fun at drag shows. My only advice to you is that, if you go to a drag show, bring lots of one-dollar bills. It's more of a fun tradition than anything, but these queens work hard for their money, and oftentimes only get paid in tips and a small share in what the venue brings in that night. Most queens I've interacted with have a Venmo, Cashapp, or digital ways to pay, but it's just fun to use ones to tip. And no, they won't start doing any funny business on you if you tip them. The last time I tipped a queen, she was holding mistletoe, and held it up over Jamie and I (she knows us both and knows that we are happily married, so we loved that!). The only time a drag queen made physical contact with me after I tipped them was when my favorite local queen gave me a big hug afterwards... we're both huggers and know that about each other, so that was actually a sweet moment. 

Okay, now speaking of favorite drag performers, I want to give three performers a huge shout-out on here, but before I do, I also want to express insane amounts of love to all of the queens, kings, and other drag performers who have been so absolutely incredible to Jamie and I. I could probably write a novel about how much I love each of you, but I'll just mention three right now: 

Jamie and I getting photobombed by someone who rapidly became our favorite local queen. 

The first drag performer I'd love to send some major love to is someone who I now personally consider a friend, and in a pool of absolutely amazing drag performers locally, she's my favorite local drag queen, Tori Tia. There are a few things that Tori has done that have absolutely floored me, but I'll just mention a few things here. After my very first local drag show (it was a drag bingo), Tori came up to Jamie and I and chatted us up for a few minutes, asking us how we liked the show, how we heard about it, and made it a point to make us feel welcome. Two weeks later, at the very next show, she snuck behind us and photobombed us while we were taking a picture together. We turned around and she warmly greeted us with hugs and welcomed us back. From that moment on, everytime we'd go to a show, she would go out of her way to say hi to us. It was super easy to become a fan of her's, and she's still the queen we get most excited to see (if you're reading this Jackie, Manang, Tala, Sylvanna, and others, we still absolutely adore all of you!). But I'll go even beyond that... since breaking into the drag scene, Tori has done a ton of work advocating for the transgender community, taking part in drag panels and LGBTQ+ Q&A sessions, and leading drag queen storytime nearby (we've been to each of her storytimes, mostly to counter-protest when haters from Salinas drive 70 miles to protest). Again, it's worth noting that she's not the only local queen who does such awesome work... some of the other queens I mentioned in the parenthesis above, along with many others, have actively fought for the LGBTQ+ community in many different ways, and I personally have been blessed by them and their hard work. So it certainly doesn't end with Tori, but at least for me, she's sort of where I began. 

Alright, now I want to shout out our favorite local Drag King! 

This dapper gentleman between Jamie and I is Helixir. This photo was actually taken at my work!

I have to admit that, as someone who is super into all things feminine, I didn't think I'd enjoy drag kings nearly as much... until Helixir came around. Jamie and I had seen him at a few shows together, then I didn't see him for a long time (my fault, not his!). Suddenly, I found out that he was being booked to participate in my school's Queer and Now conference (along with Tori and a few other people), and knowing what I knew about him, I was super excited. Welp, come to find out, he'd happened to be a part of many of the drag shows I didn't get to go to, but Jamie had... so when he showed up, he went over to Jamie, gave her a big hug (before giving me one) and exclaimed "you're like my biggest fan! I'm so glad you're here Jamie!" to her. Knowing that being at a drag show by herself could be anxiety inducing for Jamie (though she enjoys it enough to make it to shows when I can't) to see someone remembering her and connecting with her made me so happy. Seriously, there are a few different ways to my heart, and being great to my gal Jamie has to be at the top of the list. I've since seen him a ton, and I LOVE his work! I wasn't sure what to expect from drag kings, but he's so much fun, so sweet, and just an awesome person, I can't help but be a fan. 

What's even cooler is that Helixir has also shown us a living example of a "drag parent." I've constantly heard of drag moms/dads, and while I don't think I could do the concept justice, it comes off to me as sort of a mentorship kinda thing. Basically, a drag parent takes a "drag child" under their wing, shows them the ropes, and supports them as they get off on their feet. Welp, Helixir has done that with at least two drag sons, including one who has quickly become another favorite of ours, Fenderqueer (pictured below). I love their drag, and to think that Helixir has played such a formative role in helping them get into drag makes me smile everytime I see them perform.

Fenderqueer, Helixir's drag child, rocking out during his performance.

Okay, one more drag queen that seriously deserves some credit, and for a pretty surprising reason. I'd say she's my favorite non-local queen, and someone I hope to see more and more of as her drag career takes off... Flamy Grant! 

Flamy Grant, a queen (formerly) from San Diego who has quickly become my favorite non-local queen!

Wait! Flamy Grant!?!? Is she making fun of world famous Christian artist Amy Grant??? Why yes, her name is inspired by Amy Grant... and Amy knows and approves of it! First off, Flamy is a very personable performer (when I met her in person, she exlaimed "didn't you used to be a Modern Times member before they collapsed? My man was a member before things went south!"). But I loved that because she already knew Jamie, knew of me previously, and was very welcoming and loving to both of us. She's awesome, funny, joyful, but there's something I love even more about her, and I never thought in a million years I'd say this...

(Trigger warning before I continue: I talk a bit about Religious Trauma and may get preachy a bit... but it's all good stuff, I promise... just difficult at times)

...she has inspired me in my walk with God. Yes, you heard that right... a DRAG QUEEN... has helped me in my Christian Faith! And I'm not kidding or being hyperbolic. I'll spare you the long story, but prior to transitioning, I was VERY involved in the Mainstream American Evangelical church, which, as a whole, doesn't think kindly of people like me. I do want to stress that so many people have stuck by Jamie and I (and if you're reading this, thank you for being constant reminders that God still loves us, still accepts us, and still welcomes us into the Kingdom), but for the most part, we have lost most of our Evangelical friends (I still miss you all!), some of which have expressed disappointment in me, and one went as far as to tell me that I'm doing the same thing Sodom and Gomorrah was doing (I didn't know there were trans people there... but I think God was more concerned with the locals who were gangr***ng angels than little old me wearing my dress and boots... read Genesis dude). There are a lot of scars that were inflicted on me, and I know many scars I've inflicted on others during my departure from that sect of Christianity. But since then, with a few exceptions, Jamie and I haven't really found a place to be recharged in our faith. Not only that, but we've also seen many loud voices from the mainstream evangelical side of things voicing support for anti-LGBTQ+ legislation, oftentimes referring to people like me as some of the most hurtful and devastating things (I've been referred to as a sicko, a freak, a man in a dress, been told I need to go into hiding, and that they can't wait until "The camps come back" so I can be sent to them... I'm not kidding... I've had people say those things to me in some pretty mainstream Christian spaces online and in the media. I'll never forget Michael Knowles calling for our "eradication" for the good of society... to the applause of a conservative group), and many times in the name of God. Which I consider to be blasphemy and a direct violation of the Third Commandment (You shall not take [The Lord's] name in vain)... and by the way, if you limit that to simply not saying "Oh my God," you are way oversimplifying, and dare I say cheapening it! I'm no biblical scholar, but I'd argue that calling for the eradication of an entire people group because you think that's what God wants is a much deeper violation of the third commandment than saying something cheap like "oh my God." But I think the biggest problem is that behavior like that drives people away from God. 

I'm going to try to not show all my cards here out of respect for the many I know who no longer believe or who were bullied out of the church, and have now rejected God, but my heart breaks for that. I know many who have turned to Atheism because they were shown a heartless, vengeful version of God by "Believers," and others who haven't straight up said that, but you can see them licking their emotional wounds from spiritual trauma (there's a quote that I love that was quoted on a DC Talk album that starts with "the single greatest cause of Atheism in the world today is Christians..." there's more to the quote, but I think that part alone says it all). Again, I think a rant on this is best saved for another post some other time, but it devastates me how many people have been convinced that God doesn't love them, or loves them conditionally, because the actions and words of those around them showed that. I genuinely don't blame any of them for walking away, or deconstructing (which is what I have been doing). And while there is still much to the mystery of God, I also believe that God still has a place for those who were turned away by "His people," and so I don't think it's my job to preach something to them they have heard many times, but instead show them that you can be LGBTQ+ and still be Saved. 

Okay, so how the hell does any of this relate to Flamy Grant... I'm sure her name gives you some hints... but Flamy has experienced much of what deconstructers and LGBTQ+ people experience in the church, and she has made it her goal to take up space in Christian spaces (whether it's showing up to the Dove awards in full drag with a few other Christian artists who have "fallen from grace" [cough, cough, Derek Webb... I can't wait to see you two on tour], or getting a song charted and topped on the Christian top 100, or being a part of progressive Christian movements), and while many drag performers release albums that are very flashy or risque, her album, "Bible Belt Baby," is a mix of funny songs (such as "Take a Chance on Me"), funny but profound songs (such as "What did you Drag me Into?"), and then downright Gospel-soaked songs (like "I'm not ashamed!"). That last song I mentioned has made me cry more times than I can count, and has genuinely been my marching song since early November; in early November, an Alabama pastor who had been living a secret life as a trans woman was outed, and killed herself a few days later... there are some disturbing parts of her story too, such as some fiction she'd been writing, but considering the same people who intentionally outed her were the same people who shared that disturbing fiction, I'd argue that none of us fully know the true story... but a trans woman is dead, and her family who knew about her have lost a husband/father; when that happened, Flamy did a spot on her Instagram where she mentioned "I'm not ashamed," and so I listened to it, pulled over my car, and started balling! If you have a chance to listen to it, please do so. The line that gets me is "God is a storyteller... a lover composing a letter," combined with another line a moment later "Your life is not [the hater's] story to tell!" It gives me goosebumps because I can imagine how many people are, even this moment, trying to tell my story for me, and yet that's not their job! I could go much deeper into this, and I have already gone off topic quite a bit, but I don't think I could do someone so awesome such justice without explaining why it matters so much to me. So I'm so deeply thankful for Flamy's drag, her advocacy work, and her work to help reclaim faith for all of us who were pushed away. She's a reason why I'm closer to God now than I was a year ago!

Wow! Who thought a post about how I feel about drag would turn into that... that, my friends, is intersectionality at its finest... my identity as a trans woman, my love for drag, and my eagerness to find a place in a faith I still firmly believe in all intersecting into who I am a fan of, and why. There are so many other profound examples of intersectionality, but I've been so blessed to see these ones in my life.

But with all of that being said, and I really only touched the tip of the iceberg, but I am vehemently in support of Drag, think that it's a beautiful art and form of expression, and hope to continue supporting and uplifting the drag community. 

Since I accidentally said fuck a bunch earlier (oh shit, now I said it again), let me end with this funny picture I took last month to send to my critics anytime I needed to... 

Sometimes, you've just gotta give the bird

Hugs! 

-Alicia

P.S. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck fuck fuck!

Shoutout to the Transgender Weather Nerds out there!

There are honestly few things that go back further than me knowing I was transgender (even if I didn't finally accept it until 2020): I've always been an avid LEGO fan, I loved pro-wrestling (when it used to be good), I enjoy a good video game, and... 

I LOVE WEATHER!!!! 

This was me "chasing" snow this last winter... don't mind the awful makeup... I heard that there was snow in our local mountains, and I just had to drive up there!

Seriously! For as long as I can remember, I'd drop the video game, put down the legos, and run to the living room every time the weather report would come on. I would go outside and play in the rain, look outside when it rained (my grandma would tell me I was acting like it was raining silver dollars... well it might as well have been), and if there was a storm coming, I'd be the crazy person running outside when everyone else was running inside. Even to this day, if there is a chance of thunderstorms within a few hundred miles of me, I'll go "storm chasing" if I have the time (since I live in California, storm chasing simply means driving into a thunderstorm of any kind... but no supercells or tornadoes or any of the good stuff). I'll share some pictures at the bottom of this post to prove it. 

This passion hasn't gone away, and I hope it never does. Weather is fascinating, and in the warming world we see ourselves in today, we need more and more people passionate about our atmosphere! 

But one thing that has been pretty cool is that I've come across a pretty decent (if not downright mind-blowing) number of trans women who also love weather. I'm not going to shout them out by name here, but they are doing some pretty cool stuff. One works in consulting meteorology, another is a fellow academic who works to link climate communication with the arts, and another who is a weather enthusiast who got into media because of it (it wasn't until I met her personally that she told me she was a weather nerd and was excited to pick my brain about weather). I also know of at least one trans vlogger who also loves weather and has thought about going back to get a degree in it. Considering Meteorologists are not very common, it's even less common to find one that is trans... and I found four... not including myself! 

Earlier this year, I was on a trans podcast called the Trans Narrative Podcast (linked here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-trans-narrative-podcast/id1635218110 for Apple, though a quick Google search should help you find it in your preferred streaming service)... the head producer, for some reason, has taken a shining to me and has tried to get me to guest host future episodes. Just last night, I was contacted by her because she is planning on featuring a trans meteorologist and wanted to see if I'd be willing to be a part of it... it took me a second to realize that I knew (and have regularly talked to) the guest, and after a quick back-and-forth, I'm now hosting that episode. I'm pretty excited actually because I can't wait to have a conversation with her about her passion for weather, her trans identity, and possible intersections of the two. 

Speaking of that, seeing as I've come across so many transgender weather enthusiasts like myself, it kind of makes me wonder... I know research has been done on the neurological makeup and brain chemistry of transgender folx, and there have been some interesting findings (I'm not a doctor or a psychologist, so I won't even attempt to go into them here), but I'm pretty curious if there might be some kind of psychological or even biological setting that transgender people have that makes them more prone to being fascinated with weather. It may also be a matter of nurture and the environment we grow up in... or it may just be coincidence. But it's something I'm pretty curious about. 

Anyway, if you are a fellow weather nerd that happens to also be trans, reach out to me! I'd love to chat. I may even get a group of us together someday on Zoom to nerd out. 

Here are those pictures I promised... please note that some of these were taken either before or mid-transition so in many cases, I was presenting as "Terrence" when I took them... so I'm not posting any selfies of me next to the cute little thundercloud, but I promise that these are all my pictures. 

I took this one just last week... beautiful rainbow!

Getting pretty stormy

I wandered into the hail core of a severe thunderstorm... and temporarily lost control of my car... thankfully I was okay, and the driver in the car behind me (which also lost control... completely unrelated to me losing control) was also safe.

Double Rainbow!

A view of the storm cloud as I was driving away. Textbook cumulonimbus!

I love weather! Especially when I get to dress for it! 

Hugs,

-Alicia

Really bad news…

 I have some really bad news to share with some people tonight… It’s been about two years since I truly began transitioning, and something I had assured many people (not by their request… it was just my way of letting them know I wouldn’t always be “OMG OMG OMG I GET TO BE ALICIA!!!!”) is that my constant gushing over getting to be my true self won’t always be a thing… that I’d calm down and not be so excited about getting to live my life as a woman. 

Well, two years in, and I have some bad news…

IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET!!! And I’m realizing it might not happen (but it will still change and, hopefully, not be too obnoxious).

I’m still blown away every time I see myself in the mirror! I’m still in awe every time I get to plan an outfit for work. I’m still amazed when Jamie zips me up, or I see a bra strap poke out. I just saw one a few moments ago, and realized how much it still reminds me that the person I had wanted to be for decades… is now the person I get to be! 

It will change over time, but OMG it feels so amazing to just be my true self. 

So sorry… but also, not sorry! 

Hugs,

Alicia (and it means so much to be able to say that!!!)

Here comes the Bride?

On August 24th, 2003, during the mingle time in my College Ministry Sunday School class (yes, I was quite the Evangelical for a while… EDIT: I feel it would be very unfair to say that I used to be Evangelical without proclaiming that I am still a firm believer in Jesus Christ and the Gospel. I’m just no longer what would be considered Mainstream American Christianity… I’m sure I’ll write more about that later), I saw this beautiful lady approaching me in the aisle of chairs in the classroom... I stepped out of the way to let her get back to her seat and said "here you go..." She responded by doing, to this day, the most out of character thing she's ever done... she gave me a very warm hug, and then said "hi! I'm Jamie." I was in love at first sight.

Exactly ten years later, on August 24th, 2013, she got to walk down a different aisle... as my bride! She was jaw-droppingly beautiful and just perfect in my eyes! I never had cold feet, and while I was stressed about the logistics surrounding the wedding, those all melted away the moment I walked into the church sanctuary for the ceremony. I was thrilled, the whole moment was magical, and to this day, I say that was the greatest day of my life (I'm sure Jamie would agree). 

The day we became one.

 

I don't have any shame about that day, nor do I regret it one bit (and just to clarify, I'm not talking about the whole marrying Jamie thing... that was still the best Earthly thing to ever happen to me.. and I hope to her as well... I'm talking about the fact that I was, um, him at the time). In fact, I share this picture proudly with people, we still have it hanging up in our messy home, and regardless of where my transition takes us, I have absolutely zero desire to hide it or pretend it never happened. That day was magic, and as crazy as this may sound, I'd change nothing about it. 

...that being said...

Wanna know how Wedding nights go down? So, exhausted, we returned to our statehouse room with the bed completely covered in rose petals and dollar bills (thanks to Jamie's Matron of Honor, who happens to also be named Jamie)... we counted the money, jumped into the bed, popped open the bottle of Sparkling Wine that came with the room, and... I spent the next hour pulling pins out of Jamie's hair! 

In case you're wondering, some of the... um... good stuff happened too, but not until much later in the night, and that's too private to write about in a public blog post. But before that, I also helped Jamie out of her Wedding Gown and some of the other stuff too, but before we put it away, I held the gown up to myself and just thought "what if..."(Jamie's always known about this side of me, so it wasn't a surprise, nor anything negative). 

What if... 

Fast forward nine'ish years, lots of life stuff happens, blah blah blah, I come out, blah blah blah, I start transitioning, we start talking about our ten year wedding anniversary and...

The topic of renewing our vows has come up... a lot! It started in Summer of 2022 when I was doing my first photoshoot with my friend Hannah, and had a cheap Torrid wedding dress that I brought to the shoot for fun...

Anxiously awaiting the arrival of my bride...

 

I shared this photo on Facebook about a year ago, and asked if anyone would be up for being part of a vow renewal ceremony... the response was overwhelming. So Jamie and I made the decision to go for it. The next month, we were shopping for a dress for Jamie to wear to the Silicon Valley Pride Winter Ball, and happened into a David's Bridal. After buying her a new dress, we had to bring it back the next day for alterations, and I just so happened to make an appointment with them to try on some wedding dresses with Jamie... and the results were incredible! 

I remember that night, texting a few of the photos of Jamie to our friend Jennifer and her immediate response was "come on now... I know you tried some on too! Don't hold back on me." (I'm paraphrasing, so don't be mad Jennifer if that quote was butchered), so I then sent a bunch more of myself too. 

We didn't commit to anything (though I did end up finding "The One!" that night, but didn't make it official for a few more months), but as we began to dream up of our ideal second wedding, there were a few things that we came up with (and a few things I suggested too). 

Everything else below is kind of a mental dump, but please feel free to stick along if you are interested.

1. Besides the dresses themselves, we want every vendor involved to be a friend who runs a small business... not for discounts or anything, but to support them. We want to hold the event at a friend's business (there's a cute teaspot in Berkeley, a couple of breweries in San Jose, and a Ciderhouse that we are looking at, all owned and operated by friends of ours), have a friend do the catering (there's this great catering company in Morgan Hill that makes bomb food!), have a friend do cookies (rather than wedding cake, we thought we'd hire our friend Kimmie, who makes these amazing cookies make us some cookies themed after our original wedding cake), hire a friend to do photography, and get some minimalist flowers for the whole thing. 
2. Despite the level of detail I went into above, we'd want it to be a low maintenance celebration. Less than 50 people, simple setup, nothing extravagant,. Honestly, I define it as a party with us wearing wedding dresses. 
3. Since Jamie had to deal with the hassle of preparing for a wedding already, I'd take the reins on this so she doesn't have to deal with the stress of it... BUT, and let me be very clear here, she still gets a say in everything because this is OUR celebration. 
4. This is not a "do-over" or anything like that... I am so happy for the 10+ years of marriage and soon to be 20 years of dating between the two of us... I have no desire to walk that back in any way shape or form. This would be a celebration of us making it so long, and a celebration of making it through my transition (up to this point anyway). It would be about celebrating all we have done, and inviting our friends into it. 

But if I had to be perfectly honest, there's a selfish component to it... I never got to be a bride, and now that I've accepted and embraced myself as a transgender woman who is happily married to the most amazing woman on Earth, well... I WANT TO BE A BRIDE!!! I want that experience... not just trying on dresses, but doing the whole thing... getting my hair done, a veil put into it, having bridesmaids help me into my gown, getting fancy makeup done, and that feeling of excitement of getting to walk down the aisle to an eagerly awaiting partner (my beautiful bride Jamie!) while holding a bouquet of flowers. And while I want that so much for myself, I'd also make sure Jamie got that too (one cool thing is that her original Matron of Honor is a staunch ally and supporter of us, and wants to be involved in the ceremony).

But, well... life happens. To be honest, 2023 wasn't the best year. Not a horrible year by any means, but I'm certainly not coming off the high I was in 2022. I spent the first three months almost completely crippled by an awful case of sciatica, ended up hospitalized three different times due to some kind of mystery swelling (which we've pinpointed to some kind of histamine reaction), had a horrible tooth infection that needed a root canal (but got really bad in the meantime), and then got COVID... and that was all in the first six months of the year. I had another swelling incident in September that I was able to quash with a plan of attack I came up with with the help of an allergen specialist, and have had really bad fatigue in the last few months of the year, but honestly, I'd say that I'm also just plain burnt out... from work, life, and everything. It's all good stuff, but I'm certainly limping out of 2023. In fact, I'd say my biggest goal for 2024 is to get rejuvenated and refocused.

All of that being said, planning for any kind of vow renewal has been on the back-burner for at least the past four or five months. We had a venue figured out... but then they went out of business :(. My friend Kimmie is still enthusiastic about making wedding cookies, and I have a catering place in mind... I just need to set it up once we get a date. But all of that being said, there's been little, if any progress. And I guess it makes me nervous about a few things: 

1. Have I waited too long? 
2. Do I talk about this too much. I'm sure some may think "just shut up and do it already!" 
3. I suck at event planning... as I've gotten older, I've realized that it just isn't my strength. Anything we come up with isn't going to be nearly as smooth as our original wedding. 
4. Will people come? We have lots of amazing supporters, but I hope I haven't burnt them all out. I also hope that whatever we come up with would be something that people would want to come to.
5. Have I burnt Jamie out with it? Equally as important; have I considered her enough and involved her enough in it? I always ask her about what she'd like and check in with her, but should I do more? 
6. Have I thought about everything? Would a friend be willing to officiate? If not, then who? 
   
7. Is it even possible? I mean, I'm just thinking about a fun party where we just so happen to be wearing wedding dresses and there would be a short (like 10 minute) formal program where we exchange vows.
   

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't even know where to start... but I still want to! Just yesterday, a trans friend of mine renewed her vows with her wife, and it was a beautiful streamed ceremony on Instagram. A bunch of people flew into Vegas for it, but a bunch more streamed in, including me. And all I could think of is, in addition to being so happy for them, I was also kinda jealous. I want that experience... I want that celebration with Jamie and with our friends! I don't want it to be some kind of big deal, but I'd still love to do it. I hope many of you reading this would be up for being a part of it. I could set up a stream like Olive did on her Instagram. But I hope many would come too. And I also hope that, while a big part of it is getting to finally be a bride, that I never lose sight of the more important thing... getting to celebrate the love that Jamie and I have for one another, and the commitment we have to one another. Because that is worth major celebrations. In case you're wondering, we both found our wedding dresses for the event! 

 

Alright, I'll leave you all with a bunch of pictures we took, including a few where we were wearing wedding dresses at home (she wanted to try on her original gown, and I bought one a few years ago for a costume). 

Hugs! 

Alicia