Three Years and One Gender Later...

I've shared my story of coming out to so many, and even in previous blogs, so I won't bore you to death with the details, but I will share a little summary here. My coming out process occurred during the first year of the COVID-19 pandemic, at a time where, in California, we had a set of tiers related to the risk level of catching/being hospitalized from COVID-19. These tiers had different levels of restrictions and precaution measures needed, and for about a year, they were a major part of everyday life. Well, in the process of coming out, I created my own tier list of people to come out to, based upon my projected level of support from them. The three tiers were: 

Green Tier - People who had, at one time or another, explicitly voiced support for the LGBTQ+ and Transgender community. - I started coming out to them in 2019 and all throughout 2020. These were mostly individual conversations because the number of people I needed to talk to was fairly low. 

Yellow Tier - People who have neither voiced support or opposition to the LGBTQ+ and Transgender community. This was probably the largest and most diverse group, consisting of colleagues, family (since the yellow tier was the largest, I decided to fully come out to my family prior to coming out to the yellow tier), friends, some old church friends who had indicated to some degree that they were at least empathetic to the LGBTQ+ community, and so on. I came out to my Yellow Tier on New Year's Eve, ringing in 2021. The vast majority, almost a totality (with a few exceptions) supported me.

Red Tier - Pretty much everyone else... old pastors of mine, church friends I expected to be largly unsupportive, people I knew were opposed to the LGBTQ+ community, and basically my full coming out. 

Well the day that I ended all hiding and fully came out to my Red Tier (and therefore everyone else) was early in the morning of June 12th, 2021... three years ago today! I'll confess that I had been up late, ready to burst, and had a *little* bit of liquid courage in me (by no means drunk, but definitely with my inhibitions down). I wrote a long, somewhat ranty facebook post (basically calling out all of the arguments that I thought I'd hear from people who would oppose it). Here's a screenshot of the post (Trigger warning: I do use the F-slur in this post as a quotation of how many people view LGBTQ+ people... but I also clarified that it was a quotation and that I, in no way, believe that): 

I actually tried coming out in 2011, with a significantly smaller support system at the time, and had a very rough response (I was blasted to Kingdom Come with "Tough Love"). When I sent out this post, I had a HUGE support system, and I also had a large number of Red Tier people already aware that I was trans. I ran it by Jamie before I posted it, and when I woke up the next morning, fearing some massive fallout, I was very blessed and surprised by the huge amount of love and support I had waiting for me. That night, Jamie and I went out for Fondue and then a drive to a lighthouse (lighthouses are a big symbol of our relationship because our first date was at a lighthouse, and I proposed to her eight years later at the same lighthouse). 

Let's just say that I was blown away by this, and really felt empowered to begin actually transitioning. Within a few weeks, I was starting laser hair removal, and within six months, I was clicking my heels into a classroom! 

Three years and one gender later, I'm now out, proud, transitioning, and living my best life as my true self! 

All that being said, there's a good image I once saw and want to implore to all of you: It is MUCH nicer outside of the closet, but if you do not feel safe being out, I'll guard the door for you! Don't come out if you don't feel ready, but when you are, know that there are a lot of people who will be here for you! I am so, so thankful for those who have been here for me!

Hugs!

-Alicia

 

You Matter - Stay for Them!

 Before I begin, Trigger Warning: Suicide.

 

As I'm writing this, my most "popular" blog post has had maybe 15 views, and I'd bet almost half of them are from me going back over what I wrote. Now personally, I really don't care if this blog gains a giant following or ever gets any kind of traction... at the end, I'm writing this for myself. That being said, this blog is a form of vulnerability, and I have to assume that, at some point, it's going to be picked up by a hate group of transphobic trolls, and shared around like currency (sad to say, but my coming out video on YouTube has about 1.5K views, and of that, about 1000 of them are from a hate group... thanks for the views!), and so what I share on here can be weaponized to harm me or the people I love. But I also feel that what I'm sharing here is important enough for that risk to be taken because, if I've made the life of one person (CisHet or LGBTQ+) better because of what I wrote here, that single difference is all worth it. That being said, I wanted to touch on this really quickly. 

While I've never had a concrete plan to, nor have seriously considered it since transitioning (I have prior), I've thought about taking my own life before... many people have... especially transgender people. And there are days where the hate messages, the hostility, and the threats bring me to a point where I feel like things would be so much better for myself, for others, and for society if I just went away. And I know I'm not alone. A commonly cited (and often misquoted) statistic is that, at some point in their life, approximately 41% of transgender youth attempt suicide... because this post isn't about suicide awareness, I'm not going to try to provide correct context to that number, but I am going to say that I certainly believe that a significantly large percentage of transgender individuals, both youth and adult, have thought about it, a smaller but certainly still significant percentage have seriously considered it or have made a concrete plan, and a horrifyingly decent percentage of them attempt it. And I can understand why: 

I'm sure that if you've lost friends, family members, significant others, careers, livelihoods, status, safety, housing, credibility, or have been a topic of debate amongst a ton of people who have no idea what the fuck they are talking about even though their uneducated decisions have very real consequences on your life, had rights (to adequate care, safe bathrooms, representation and visibility, job protections, and so on) either stripped from you or on the line every single election year, have been mischaracterized as "groomers," "predators," "pedos," been the recipient of constant hate messages, attacks, doxing, or even death threats, I'm sure you'd be suicidal too! 

And to those who don't think it's that bad, or think that a queer person is being soft or weak for being negatively impacted by all of it, I'd say that you're just as big a part of the problem as those who have abandoned, harassed, or hurt queer people. Everyone, no matter how strong they are, will break at some point. Everyone! 

BUT...

Whether you know it or not, every single one of you has someone who you matter to. I am beyond blessed that, when I come home, my person is there waiting for me (or if she's gone, I'm there waiting for her). I know that if something were to happen to me, it would be devastating to her. It would be devastating to many, but especially her! And I simply can't do that to her. I think of the pain I'm feeling at my lowest moment and recognizing that, if I gave into that pain, it would inflict a pain a thousand fold on her! And I can't do that... I WON'T DO THAT! 

I'm pretty fucking blessed in that area though. I met the most amazing woman my freshman year of college, fell instantly in love, and somehow won her over to loving me. While in the period of struggle before transitioning, we had lots of struggle and arguments, but made it through (not everyone does), and are still happily together. I know many trans people who lost their partner well into their, or after completing their transition, so I always keep that thought in mind, but even then, as long as she wants me to be in her life, I WILL be in her life, and will be there for her. 

Many of you may not have that person waiting for you to come home at the end of the day, or that person to roll over towards you in bed to snuggle. Many of you may have had that, but lost it. But significant others are only one type of person that you can make happy. If you're a part of any kind of social network, there's a high chance that you've made a number of friends that actually look forward to your posts/updates/milestones. If you're a part of a support network, there are others in that support network that look up to you. If you're a teacher, I can almost guarantee you that you have at least one student whom you make happy. What I'm getting at is that all of you have someone who you make happy, whose life is better because you are in it, and who would be devastated if you left. 

So stay for them. 

There was a good song that, ironically was sung by someone who eventually took their own life, Chester Bennington (of Linkin Park) called One More Light. The chorous to the song says: 

If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We're quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do

 Stay for the "I" and I promise you there are many more "I's" in your life than you think! 

Just as an aside, I know this is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY easier said than done. Please don't take what I'm saying as a dismissal of that reality. We all have moments of weakness, and I think that too many people take offense at someone reaching that rock bottom point and attempting to end it (and I get that too), but please know that you are not alone, you DO matter, and someone will care if your light goes out. So if you need it, please get help... Here are a few resources for that: 

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/ (The Trevor Project)

https://pflag.org/resource/support-hotlines/ (PFLAG... They have a good list of agencies that can help). 

https://988lifeline.org/ (988 - Suicide Hotline)

Even just texting someone you love (and is safe to you!) and saying "I need help!" can make all the difference in the world:

I mentioned earlier that while I haven't seriously considered suicide in a long time, it's not "never." In 2015, I was in a deep bout of depression, and while watching a train approaching the platform I was at, I seriously thought about jumping in front of it... Instead, I got on that train, had a MAJOR mental breakdown, and just so happened to get a phone call from my stepmom... she realized that I was in really bad shape and intervened. That day was my rock bottom. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't asked for help. There's a good chance I wouldn't be writing this right now. 

So please... stay for them! 

Hugs,

Alicia

I'm not a man in a dress!

Harry Styles rocking a dress for Vogue. This was seen as a pretty big deal.

Every morning when I get up, I have a normal (albeit unhealthy) routine of check my social media, email, blogs, and just getting myself caught up on the morning's gossip. Part of that is checking out some of my favorite transgender social media accounts and blogs, like my friend Hannah's. This morning, she made a post on her X/Twitter/WhateverMuskIsCallingIt about the idea that if there wasn't a stigma around men wearing women's clothing, more men would do so. And I agree wholeheartedly, and I love the idea of people being unfettered from the gender norms and expectations, specifically around dress. In addition to Harry Styles, many other men have embraced the skirt or the heels, or adding clothing that is traditionally considered "women's clothing" to their wardrobes. 

Mark Bryan, the man in a skirt... let's be real though... he's got some KILLER LEGS!!!!

As I was beginning to transition, a well meaning friend sent me this blog, which featured Mark Bryan, a man who wears a skirt, heels, boots, etc to work all the time: https://www.boredpanda.com/confident-man-wears-heels-skirt-markbryan911/ Holy crap, doesn't he look amazing!?!? And he's not the only one. You'll find many instances of men who, for a millions reasons from comfort to wanting to make a social commentary, rock those cute outfits and show that men can wear dresses!

But that's not who I am. It just isn't. And I'm thankful for that. As I mentioned above, that blog about Mark Bryan came from a wonderful, well meaning friend, and it wasn't the only one I got from supporters. Several people showed me articles, images, and profiles of men who were breaking the cistem (See what I did there?) and showing me that men can wear dresses and look fabulous in them. And it made me feel good, excited and also a peace with something... 

I am not a man in a dress... I don't care what bigots, trolls, haters (including those who may find this blog) or others who claim to be "experts" (mostly graduates from MAGA University) say. I am not a man in a dress...

I am a transgender woman... and transgender women are women... therefore, I AM A WOMAN! 

My wife and I got to me THE Jonathan Van Ness a few months ago.

When I see men who are embracing clothing considered more feminine, or non-binary people like Jonathan Van Ness or Alok Vemon, I pump my fist in celebration of them. But I have to admit that, for a short time, I tried to distance myself from them, and the reason why was because so many people use them as an example of "see, you can wear dresses too," when, while I love wearing dresses (take this dress from my cold, dead body!!!!), this is all so much deeper than that. 

Honestly, growing up, I never felt like one of the boys. I never wanted to play sports or roughhouse. I was a spoiled brat who stayed home and played with LEGOs and Video Games, while watching the Weather Channel... not that any of those things were inherently feminine. I also always felt more comfortable around the girls, but our gender-obsessed society always lumped me in with the boys. It wasn't until high school when a girl I met in my senior year AP English class befriended me and decided to invite me to hang out with her group of friends, mostly girls. Her name was Alicia... and YES, she was the person who inspired my name (she knows... I never hid that from her when I came out). I ended up going to prom with that group, and keeping in touch with a lot of them. Then in college, I got HEAVILY involved in the Evangelical Church, and they were pretty obsessed with guy only/girl only nights. They were also very obsessed with the idea of staying in your lane gender wise. I had a lot of amazing memories there, but also mourn the reality that I, as Alicia, would never be welcome in those spaces without some pretty huge conditions (such as detransitioning). What's funny is one night, I remember hanging out at a house party, and all of the guys were in one room hanging out while all of the ladies were in another room just chatting... I felt no connection with the guys, but instantly felt at home with the girls. That wasn't a game changer, but it was yet another reminder that I wasn't a man. 

For me, it wasn't just about wearing a dress. It was about something else. It was about feeling more comfortable in my skin, feeling more in my element with people, and being able to express my true self and be useful to the world as my true self. There's a reason why I don't just throw on a dress in the morning and walk out the door... I still, to this day, have about an hour long morning regimen that, as Terrence, I would have knocked out in 15 minutes. And it's worth every second when I get to see the finished product... someone who is feminine, has some curves, long(er than I used to) hair, and softening skin. It's also becoming so special when, even after taking off the dress/makeup/etc, I can STILL see some curves as I slip on my night dress... still see more feminine features than I used to have. I see him less and less every day, and her more and more! That goes well beyond just items of clothing, or even makeup. It goes to being more in place with who you are. Who I am. 

Fuck what others say... I am a woman!

 

A woman! 

Hugs! 

-Alicia

When you're just not feeling it...

 

For the very colorful person I am, I've been in a pretty muted season as of late...

 

Have you ever had a bad day? I mean, why am I even asking that? Of course you have... we all have! Bad days are just a part of our lives... they happen! But have you ever had a bad season? Now, I don't necessarily mean a period where you lost your job, had your home foreclosed, got cheated on and had both your mom and dad die all in a short period of time, though I know people who have been dealt pretty shitty hands like that before. No, I'm talking more about one of those seasons where you just couldn't get yourself up to 100%... your head just wasn't in the game... even the things you love weren't motivating you. Even though nothing specific was wrong, you were just... well... in a funk. 

To be honest, that's where I'm at right now. I just came off of Spring Break, a time where my wife and I almost always (with the exception of the year the COVID pandemic had just started) travel a bit during Spring Break. Even last year, when I needed an emergency root canal at the beginning of the week, we were still having fun in Vegas by the end of the week. But this year, well, it just didn't happen. To be honest, a whole lot of nothing happened. Of the nine days I had off, I didn't leave our apartment (except to maybe pick up some food) 4 days, left for a couple of hours to "storm chase" one day, went to church and brunch one day, had one full day out, and then went out to dinner with Jamie twice... Practically, the rest of the time, I was at home, and most of the time I was at home, I was laying down in bed. I only put on makeup three of those nine days, and most days I just lounged around the apartment in pajamas. 

In some ways, it was glorious. In others, it was depressing. Very, very depressing. And, personally, it was very concerning for me. As someone who can't wait to jump out of bed in the morning, put on my face, and say hello to that beautiful woman in the mirror, to be so unmotivated to even take a shower (don't worry... I still bathed... I'm not that gross) seemed very off for me. 

But it really wasn't surprising. To be honest, lately, I've felt like I've been running on Empty. Barely able to get myself through the week, letting my laundry pile up day after day after day, and even settling for quick and easy outfits rather than taking the time I usually take to excitingly plan out a cute, feminine outfit. I've noticed this trend for about six months now... maybe a little longer. Now don't get me wrong... words can't describe how much joy I feel when I see "her" in the mirror. I still get so excited when I do have the motivation to plan a cute outfit. I still enjoy every single second of living my life as Alicia, and no, I still have zero desire to detransition. But for whatever reason, my energy, and the energy that getting to be my true self gives me, has been waning. I feel like I just want to have a season of just going through the motions and recharging. I want to just phone it in for a few months so I can come back stronger afterwards. I'm burnt out. Even this blog, which I started strong with has suffered. 

So why? I'm not sure who is going to read this, but what I wrote above sounds like depression. Low energy, low motivation, the simplest tasks (like making dinner or doing laundry) feel like pulling teeth. Last week, I actually had kind of a breakdown where I started worrying that one of my long time supporters and allies wasn't a supporter anymore... it wasn't her, it was me. And it triggered a night of crying because I kept overthinking things... but it felt like I needed to cry. I needed a good cry... we all do from time to time. 

All that being said, In the past decade, I've had two other major bouts of depression, so it is worth looking at those and trying to figure out what this current time has in common with them. 

The first bout was what I call my 2014-2015 "funk." The first symptom I noticed was in July of 2014, when, halfway through my first summer term as an adjunct professor, I suddenly tired... I started dragging, began getting slower in my grading and lesson writing, and while it wasn't awful, it was noticeable. That fall, the church my wife and I had been a part of for over a decade was going through a nasty split, and the church we were now at was practically collapsing (in fact, it was so bad, that a 12-episode podcast on it was released by Christianity Today... look up the Rise and Fall of Mars Hill). The following Spring, those circumstances had improved, but I wasn't getting any better emotionally... in fact, by Summer of 2015, I was having random crying spells, constant panic attacks, and finally had a mental breakdown on my way home from work on afternoon. A family member intervened, helped me get myself on stable ground emotionally, and I actually started antidepressants (pro tip: the stigma of antidepressants is such bullshit... a decent percentage of the people I know either have been, or are currently on them... it doesn't make you a weak person). I noticed that, within a few weeks, the dread I was feeling suddenly lost all of its edge. By the end of 2015, I'd say that the funk was over. 

While it would be easy to pinpoint the church drama happening as a source of anxiety and uncertainty, and possibly a starting point in the depression, that really doesn't make sense. I began feeling the slide before that (earlier in the summer). After a year of working through everything with a therapist, I came up with a pretty good hypothesis for it... I was coming off of a "sugar rush" in my life... 

Let me explain... in the years 2012 and 2013, I got engaged, had a very successful summer internship in a beautiful area, got to take the train cross-country more than once (I LOVE train travel!), got to teach a class for the very first time, finished/defended my Masters' Thesis and subsequently graduated, got married, and went on an amazing honeymoon, and then started my first classes as an adjunct professor. That's a lot of high moments in a 2-year time span. In that 2 year period, I constantly had something to be excited for, looking forward to, or a new accomplishment to be proud of. It was just a period of continuous winning! But life has its ups and downs... that level of milestone after accomplishment after thing to look forward to can't last forever. Even the richest, most successful, and happiest people in the world don't get years and years and years of non-stop wins. Everyone has to take an L at some point. For me, I thought my first L was coming in Fall of 2013 when, after getting married and coming home from the honeymoon, I had nothing lined up (that was actually a part of the plan, but it still sucked to feel so worthless)... but even then, within a month, things started falling into place. I'd say my first true L came in April of 2014, after I got a scathing peer evaluation at one of the schools I taught at. It turned out that the person who gave me the evaluation had a "burn-build-burn" approach to mentorship, and while I had some serious issues I needed to address, the evaluation was mostly his way of tough-loving me... he has since become a good friend, ally, and I still see him as a mentor to this day. But at the time, that was my VERY FIRST evaluation, so it was harder for me than I would have liked. Following that, the W's didn't come so rapid-fire as they used to, and well, the sugar rush wore off. It was, in a very real sense, back to reality. 

Okay, so that all explains the first bout of depression. What about the second one? The second one was a shorter, but still pretty pronounced bout of depression that lasted about 6 months in 2018. During the time, I was having a hard time building a reputation at work that would get students to want to take my classes, and I was being pressured pretty heavily by my dean to increase enrollment... I felt like my lack of putting butts in seats made me worth less at work, and at the same time, I was struggling with handling overly demanding students, and just wondering if I was meant to be a college teacher. So again, circumstances played a role in my depression. But, yet again, I was coming off of another sugar rush... In 2016, I had earned my driver license (yes, I was a late bloomer) and saw a world of possibilities opening up before my eyes. I took three different road trips for the remainder of that year, had a very constant, and even abundant workload of classes (thus, income, even though adjunct pay sucks compared to being full time), and by the end of the year, I had a late night email that lead to me pursuing a job that I ended up getting... a dream job! Eight years later, and I still can't believe I get to do what I do! Follow that up with getting to do more professional work, seeing the 2017 Great American Eclipse in Totality, and just being in a more stable position, and I was riding high in 2017. Then the crash came in 2018. 

See where I'm getting at... there's a cycle going on here. Boom followed by Bust. Kind of like the stock market, but for life. 

Well, what about now? Well, let's be frank... I'm coming off of a HUGE sugar rush. 

In 2019, I got to finally "meet" Alicia. Though the next six months or so were rough with figuring out all of this with my wife, by the end of the year, we were both pretty confident that Alicia is here to stay. 

In 2020, while the world was going to shit, my world was actually going okay. By the end of the year, I realized that transitioning was inevitable, and both my wife and I had accepted that... it was a conclusion we had come to together, which honestly made it that more special. 

In 2021, I came out to everyone, started fortifying my support system (thank you all so much!!! <3), began gender therapy, and began crafting a real life as Alicia. 

Then... 2022 was a HUGE year. Within 6 days, my name was changed at my part time job, and I got to start teaching as my true self. Meanwhile, at my full time job, my dean at the time caught wind and ensured me that when I was ready, my school was ready for Alicia. What I thought was a "maybe in the fall" pipe dream quickly became a reality... about two years ago, I started working full time as Alicia. Within months, I was serving on committees to make changes at work, helping hire a new Pride coordinator, being invited to panels, and just getting to be a resource for the community. In July, I got to meet two of my role models in the trans community, by August, I had spent my first full month as Alicia, I finally returned to campus after COVID in September, and began HRT in October. Just a week later, I got to serve on an SV Pride Coming Out Panel, and got a huge surprise when an old friend from my old church showed up to support me (that was bigger than I could ever describe)... the next week, I was serving on another panel for Out & Equal in Las Vegas, and by the end of the year, I was trying on wedding dresses for a vow renewal ceremony. I began 2023 literally (on New Years Day) by introducing my whole family to Alicia! 

The past year, though, hasn't seen nearly the same level of excitement and win after win after win. Meanwhile, HRT has caused me to gain about 20 pounds, and I can feel every one of them, I'm pretty burnt out at work (I love what I do, but I need a summer off to refocus and retool... thankfully I'm going on Sabbatical next year), and I'm just feeling emotionally drained. At the same time, I'm watching the political climate in the US trending towards transphobia, though the past month has seen the tide turn... but yes, this is the first presidential election where I feel like my life is literally at stake. I still get constant hate messages and notes of harassment from people. I'm missing a bunch of my old friends, and having a hard time letting my guard down with the friends I still have. Like I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, just a few weeks ago, I was worrying that I had lost a pretty meaningful friend/ally. I have lost friends, including some who had initially supported and affirmed me as a trans woman. I have to admit that, while I also know it's an insult to my friends who I have, I still have my guard up... and to some extent, that's necessary. Just last week, I had to leave a Beer social group because the moderator struck down someone's message of support for Transgender Day of visibility as "too political and opinionated." I find I'm taking some things way more personal than I used to. Other things that others may think I take too seriously, I do so for a reason (someone deleting a post voicing support for transgender people because it's "too political" for example... if supporting trans people is political to that person, that's not a safe person to be around).

Anyway, that's what I think all of this is. I think I'm coming off of another sugar rush... I had a season of nonstop accomplishments in my journey as a trans woman, and now I'm settling into reality, patiently waiting for hormones to do their thing before I figure out what my next steps in my transition are. I'm pretty anxious about the outcome of the upcoming election, and I don't think that's uncalled for. I'm trying to figure out how I can kickstart some weight loss... some of my favorite dresses are getting a little tight, and I still have a wedding dress to hopefully fit into someday. There's a lot of uncertainty coming up. And so adding that to coming off that sugar rush, and I think that explains my current funk. 

At the end of the day, I don't think it will last. I really don't. I'm excited for the next steps in my life, and I know that another round of exciting days are ahead. I still think there are lots of great years ahead of me to live, and I'm just getting started (even though I'm midlife now!)

Anyway, I just needed this time to mental dump. Maybe I'll edit this into a better blog someday, but if you do read this, just remember that there is a rainbow after the storm. Every dip comes with another jump. Life can get good again, even when it currently is rough. Be excited for that. 

Onward! 

-Alicia

Coming out at Work...

 

The morning a dream I'd had for years came true...

I can't believe it's been two years since my wife took the picture above of me, as I was getting ready to... get some starbucks before coming back to log on to my zoom class, like I had done for the past two years, but only in a very... different... way....

Yeah, that picture was from the day I had dreamed of for years... from the first time I set foot into a classroom in slacks, a button up and a pair of dress shoes, I had hoped for a day when I could swap that out for a cute dress, shoes (likely boots), and jewelry. It was the day that I finally got to enter a classroom (even though virtual at the time) as my true self! 

So looking at this picture, and having just passed the two year anniversary of this amazing moment, I wanted to share a little bit about my experience of coming out at work, and starting to teach as my true self. I should note that, while much of what I'm going to share is has been super rosy, there have been some bumps that I'll share about in future blogs... nevertheless, those bumps were all procedural and systematic rather than any kind of actual resistance I experienced from anyone. I have been blown away by the response I got from my colleagues and students as I have brought my true self into my place of work. In fact, before I continue, I should preface this whole thing with saying that I believe my experience is an exception rather than the rule; I have heard of so many people who had a hard time transitioning at work, were outright rejected, or even lost their jobs because they came out... I am privileged to be a state employee in the most progressive state in the nation... while the high cost of living and the sometimes "head in our asses" (shadows on playgrounds due to new housing being a concern... really San Francisco!?!?) approach to things can be a turnoff, I wouldn't give up my life in California for anything. And because of where I live and who I work with, I had a pretty immense privilege; while many people complete their social transition by transitioning at work, work was actually the FIRST place I had the privilege of bringing my true self into... because even when I wasn't fully ready to be Alicia full time, they encouraged me and lifted me up, and in many meetings, I was implored that not only was Alicia going to be welcomed into these spaces, but that she was NEEDED in these spaces. To have a colleague tell me straight up, "We NEED Alicia in this space!" was game changing, and something I'll never forget about my experience transitioning. It's funny to think, I remember going into that meeting expecting it to be a difficult one (I'd been recruited into a project at work that, honestly, I didn't feel like a good fit in, and I thought this would be the "shape up or ship out" meeting), and instead, I walked out of that meeting in joyful tears about the fact that Alicia was of value to the project, and that if anything, this project was my way of integrating Alicia into my job. In case you're wondering, that was a HUGE game changer, and pretty quickly changed how I was doing on the project. When the project was finished, I was so thankful to see the mark I had placed on it, and how, specifically, Alicia, had been of value to the project. 

At the same time, I still hadn't clicked my heels into the classroom... yet. The COVID lockdowns had ended, and we were beginning to phase back in on-campus life, and I'd had the dream of walking back into a physical classroom for the first time as Alicia. I thought it was a fantasy until something else amazing happened. 

On January 6th, 2022 (no, not the same Jan 6th as the terrorist attack... yes, that's exactly what it was!), I received a message from my super-supportive Administrative Analyst at my part-time teaching gig that said "Hey Alicia... I want to update your information on our website and department poster... is it okay if I use a picture of Alicia and refer to you as Alicia on the site?" I said yes, but then she also let me know how to update my "preferred name" in the college's system. When I did it, I thought it would all be internal, but one super-quick glance and I realized that, for all intents and purposes, I was now Alicia (including on the schedule of classes... that STUDENTS saw!!!)... rather than panic, I kind of smiled and said "welp, I think I'm Alicia now!" I messaged that Admin to tell her and she said "Woohoo! You're going to be your true self at work now! [everyone in my department was super supportive, so I was thrilled!]" 

So that was it... I'd be teaching as Alicia! Something I had dreamed of and prayed for over many years. And the clock was now ticking. I made the decision to make a coming out video because I knew that many students may have questions (since many of them had signed up for a class taught by "Terrence"), but I was honestly feeling pretty set about this myself... 

 

My coming out video...

 

And that was it... I was now Alicia at my Part Time job... the first one to come back to campus after COVID, which meant that, for all intents and purposes, the last day I was in a classroom before COVID, was the last day I'd be in a classroom as Terrence... hopefully ever! 

 

I remember waking up that morning, Thursday, January 26th, 2022, at 6am (my class wasn't until 9) so nervous and excited... I spent over an hour getting prepped, prettied, and feeling like my true self. 

 

Makeup laid out, and a "First Day of School" sign ready to go!

My wife offered to take some photos, and there it was... I was logging on as my true self for the first time. I usually pray before I begin my first class of the day (I still do... I'm not going to let extremists tell me that I can't be both a Believer and Transgender!), and then before I logged on, I briefly said "Thank you, Cassandra" under my breath... Cassandra was the affirmed name of a transgender student I had in a class seven years earlier... she was someone who made me feel uncomfortable, not because I didn't accept her, but because she was literally doing what I had wished I could do, and if you ever read this Cassandra, I owe so much to you! And that was it... I was now Alicia at one place of work! 

Welp... 

The stars were really aligning for me that year because at my full time job, my former dean had just gone into retirement, and his successor was a good friend of mine who was also a huge supporter. She saw my Facebook post and reached out to me pretty quickly after my first day as Alicia at my part time job and asked me "so when are we going to see Alicia here?" I told her that I WISHED it would be in our Spring Term, but probably not until Fall, and she encouraged me (not in a "I'm your boss" kind of way, but more in a "Only when you're ready, but we're ready for you when you are!" kind of way) to consider moving my timeline up, especially now that I'd made a coming out video and doing the stuff to change my name at work ***Should*** have been easy in both our eyes. After one quick chat about it, I was ready... Spring of 2022, I'd be transitioning at my full time job, and since most of my students already knew (several had seen my coming out video and had sent me messages of encouragement), I was ready to go. In fact, I couldn't wait that long... since everybody knew, I decided that my optional final exam review session (which I do every term) would be "Final Exam Review With Alicia!" (since many of my students wanted to meet Alicia, I actually used that as a carrot to get people to come to the final review session), and I had great turnout and tons of support! 

Even though it was just a review session, this moment was historical for me!

After a Spring Break where I enjoyed lots of Pliny the Younger, fantastic weather, and excellent time with my amazing wife, it was time to finally become Alicia at work... Full Time! 

No longer hinted at or hidden in any way! I was wearing the same outfit I wore after my first full transformation. What a way to celebrate finally being Alicia full time!

 

No longer having to switch between Alicia and Terrence... No longer having to remember who I was and where (not that it was a secret anymore)! I was now Alicia... full time at work! I'm sure some people shot double takes or needed time to adjust. Some may still wonder, but whatever. I was now Alicia! Fully Alicia! A few months later, I went on my first full vacation as Alicia, and after my wife's 40th birthday (she didn't ask for it, but I promised that I'd give her one last day of Terrence before I went full time), I essentially began living as Alicia full time. On October 2nd of that year, I took my first HRT pills, and on December 30th of that year, I presented intentionally as Terrence for the very last time (it was for my grandma, who wanted to see Terrence one more time... after I did it, she told me that even if I had come as Alicia, she would have welcomed me with open arms... but also implored that "thank you... now I'm ready to meet Alicia." and referred to me as her granddaughter when I showed up the next day en femme!)

Since then, I've been so blessed to be a part of the LGBTQ+ movement at work. I advocated for a full time position for a Pride Center coordinator, helped serve on that hiring committee, have watched our Pride Center just plain blossom under that person's leadership, and have actively advocated for numerous changes to our policies and procedures to make both schools more welcoming. And I've seen so much fruit come from that work! And I've even been blessed to win awards at both schools for my contributions.

I had the honor to speak at De Anza's 2023 Pride/Trans flag ceremony! 

 

And the rest is history. To be honest, I'm sharing this to both celebrate my success in transitioning at work, but also to say something to those of you who I know have struggled transitioning and coming out...

YOU ARE LOVED!!! 

YOU ARE WELCOMED!!!

and

YOU ARE NEEDED!!! 

That's easier said than done for me... I've been phenomenally blessed! I work in one of the most progressive settings on the planet, and with some amazing people! I have been blessed in ways that I probably take for granted. But if you are reading this somewhere where you are not loved/welcomed/embraced/needed, I want to tell you that those places DO exist! This world is dark in so many ways, but there are still so many who want nothing but the best for you, and want to see you do nothing other than flourish! And so rather than sharing my story as a "look how easy I have it," I want to instead share it as a call to you that there are places where you are valuable... where you are loved... where you are welcomed... and where you are NEEDED!

And straight up... we NEED more Transgender Visibility! We do... in a society where some are trying to paint us as "mentally ill perverts who need to be kept away from children," we need to be present and taking up space in society. So if you are reading this and feeling exhausted or hopeless about your prospects of being your true self, I can tell you firsthand that there are spaces that need you! 

And I need you... if you are reading this and are a trans person, I need you... you remind me that I'm not alone, and I hope I can do the same for you! 

Hugs, 

Alicia

To each their own (transition!)

 ...I actually took that title from a blog I was reading from the wife of a transgender person over 15 years ago (yes... as I've said before, none of this is new to me). I don't think that blog exists anymore, or where that couple is, but it felt like a great title for what I want to share tonight. 

So I just came from my friend Jenna's "weenie roast" a few hours ago (picture of us below), and I am so thrilled to see her approaching the finish line of her transition. 

 

As I wrote on Wednesday, I feel like I'm moving on from the baby stages of my transition and the past few days have had me thinking a lot about where my finish line is. To be honest, I have no idea. And while I've made it a goal to figure it out in 2024, I seriously don't know if that will actually happen, and that leads me to something important that I want to say here: 

Regardless of where you started, where you are at right now, or where you want your transition to end up, your transness is 100% valid! You are valid: 

• Whether you are out and proud, or if your true identity is deep behind closed doors.
• Whether you want to get ALL the surgeries you can, or if you don't want to/can't get any of them.
• Whether you are on hormones or not. 
• Whether your gender identity lies somewhere within the binary or not.
• Whether you have all of your next steps planned out, or like me, honestly don't know what's next. 
• Whether your goalposts are changing constantly.
  
• Whether you have taken any steps towards transitioning or not.
• Whether transitioning is even a goal for you... the "trans" in transgender DOES NOT mean "transition," and if someone else tells you that, they are wrong! 
• Whether you dress to the nines every time you present as your affirmed gender, or you simply put on clear nail polish.
• Also, I want to say this too... you are also valid if you once identified as transgender and no longer do (whether you were forced back in, de-transitioned willingly, or just don't feel like you identify with being transgender). 
  

And I personally don't mind catching criticism for this (sorry Transmeds... you are just as bad as Transphobes and TERFs IMO! Any sect that is excluding to members of our community isn't a trans-affirming sect), but the only person who can define if you are transgender or not is YOU!

The reason why I can say this with so much confidence is because at some point in my journey, I'd practically checked off every one of those dots above... all while confidently identifying as transgender. While I didn't finally blurt out my need to transition into a woman until late Halloween night, 2020, I identified as transgender (even just to myself and to my wife) at least a couple of years before that. There was a time where NOBODY but my wife knew I identified as transgender. There was a time where anything/everything Alicia related was behind closed doors. There was a time where my only expression of Alicia beyond those closed doors was wearing a skirt and boots while Zoom teaching. There was a time where I wanted to do EVERYTHING to prevent myself from transitioning. I went full time and transitioned at work a good six months before I took my first hormone pill. I know many who go longer, and some never take HRT. For a year and a half, I identified as bi-gender... during that time, I was trying so hard to live a life as Alicia while still holding on to my life as Terrence. I know a few people (like one of my biggest role models Hannah McKnight) who have done it, and successfully. I tried... and it didn't work out.. and that's okay! I have no idea what the end of my transition will look like... right now, I'm holding on to see what HRT does, and plan to evaluate over the next few years... so my goalposts are very fluid, and I may pursue a surgery or two... or I may not (please refer to my last blog about where I land on bottom surgery... I really don't feel comfortable repeating it). 

At the end of the day, what I'm trying to say is, no matter where you are under the transgender umbrella, there's plenty of room under here, and while there are those sects that like to gate keep being transgender, I promise you there are way, way, way more of us who welcome you with open arms, and want you with us.

So regardless of what anyone says (even me)... YOU ARE VALID!!!  

Trans teenhood: Moving on from my "Baby Trans" phase.

I strongly believe that a huge part of any transgender person's journey is development and growth. I also believe that, like a human life cycle, transgender people go through different stages of being transgender. I mean, think about it... all of us have a moment where we think "hmmmm... something is off with who I am." That's birth; while I believe that a person is born transgender, I also believe that there is a moment where they journey down the pink-blue-white road begins, and that would be considered (by me) to be the birth stage of a person's exploration of who they are. For some, this is when their "egg cracked," (terminology for coming out of your shell and embracing your true self), but for others, it can start way before that, and for others, it can be a long process of questioning and exploration. I don't want to get bogged down in the "birth" stage of being transgender because, frankly, it can be very convoluted (for me, was it the first time I wanted a MySize Barbie so I could wear the dress? Was it the August afternoon in 1997 when I was reclining in my Mom's house thinking, for the first time, that I wanted to be a woman, or would it be the night that I finally blurted out to Jamie "I need to transition!"? Or could it be the dozens of other major memories that I can look back on?). So let me get to the real meat and potatoes of this blog post... 

After you come to terms with being transgender, you begin a journey. At the beginning of that journey, you, just like a baby, are getting a feel for the new world around you. You are trying to establish a style, getting used to things like wigs and makeup, starting out very rough usually (pictured below is from the very first time I fully dressed as Alicia... it was so terrible that I don't even consider it my Aliciaversery), and trying to get the hang of things. This phase usually involves being closeted or only being out to a few people, having very little sense of who you are, and so on. I didn't even know how to properly apply eyeshadow at the time, let alone style a wig, or find ways to feminize my "masculine" features. I knew nothing... other than I identified as a woman. Everything was super exploratory, and I was making mistakes left, right and center. 

This was from the very first time I attempted to dress up as a woman... yikes! 

This was from this morning... still a way to go, but still a long way from where I was! 

Just like a baby, however, I learned how to walk and talk... I learned makeup basics, I learned how to look more appropriately for the outside world. I finally stepped outside into the real world as Alicia. I eventually came out and started transitioning. I'm just two weeks away from celebrating the two year anniversary of the first day I taught a class as Alicia. I just celebrated my first full year of being Alicia full time. There was a time where I deeply depended on having someone hold my hand (figuratively) when it came to things like appearance and support... my journey into being Alicia was aided greatly by a transgender social club in San Jose that, unfortunately, no longer exists. Had that social club gone out of business in the first year or two of my journey, it would have been a near fatal blow to me, and would have definitely slowed down my progress significantly. Now obviously transgender people exist in San Jose regardless of if that club existed or not, so it obviously wasn't the end all be all for trans people... but for my personal journey, it was a crutch... it was my training wheels. I still keep in contact with the owner of that social club, and I consider her to be one of my two "trans moms" (basically mentors). What I'm trying to say here is that nobody learns this stuff on their own, and that was one of the places where I first learned and grew. While I'm sad that social club eventually went away (it was a slow death, spurred on by COVID), I'm thankful that, for other baby trans people, there are other places for them to get the same kind of support, even if they are different institutions than a business. 

During this whole time, the other person I considered a "trans mom," an awesome lady named Jenna, would regularly refer to me as a "baby trans." I think it's a very appropriate term for someone who is, at least relatively speaking, starting out on their transgender journey... learning to talk the talk and walk the walk. But just last night, when I was dropping some stuff off as Jenna's house for her bottom surgery celebration (I LOVE what she's doing... to celebrate her bottom surgery, she's having a "Weenie Roast!" I think that's fucking brilliant! So I offered to buy all the hotdogs and buns), we were having a conversation, and she once again referred to me as a baby trans, and while I in no way felt offended or thought it was inappropriate (I wouldn't be posting this if I did... instead, I'd be talking privately with Jenna about it instead of blasting her on here), it gave me pause... 

Am I still a baby trans? Is my journey into becoming Alicia still in its infancy? I mean, let me briefly share my milestones: 

• I got fully dressed/made up as a woman for the first time... and second... and third... and now probably coming up on 1000th day presenting as Alicia.
• I fully came out to everyone... I'm no longer hiding this behind closed doors. 
• I set foot into the world as Alicia for the first time. Now I'm always Alicia when I go out... there is no space where I am still Terrence.
• I have fully transitioned socially... meaning that I no longer conduct business or act publicly in any way as Terrence... EVERYTHING is now as Alicia. I even legally changed my name and gender marker last year. 
• I started my medical transition about two and a half years ago... first with laser hair removal (I need to get back on that), and I'm now about a year and a half on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). 

Yes, there is still a lot of learning and growth to go... still a lot of skills I need to pick up, and a lot of coping mechanisms that I need to learn. But I'm certainly beyond the point where, like a baby, I'm completely incapable of sustaining myself as Alicia, and in fact am pretty independent now. Being transgender is no longer a new thing to me... I still talk a lot about it because I'm still exploring more and more about it, and tackling more and more issues (family, physical, social, etc) related to being transgender, but I'm certainly beyond the need for training wheels or someone to help me with the most basic of things. However, I'm also most definitely not as Jenna's point in my transition... I'm definitely still quite away from those who have completed their transition and are living their lives, essentially as people who just so happen to be transgender rather than trans people (in other words, being trans is kind of a secondary thing about them, whereas being transgender is still very much at the forefront of who I am). I still have very thin skin, I still suck a makeup, and I couldn't pass to save my life (not that you need to pass to be successfully transgender... passing is a fallacy, but that's for another time). I'm still very much in a place where I need mentorship and upbringing. So all of that being said, submitted for the approval of the entire transgender community, I'd like to propose a new term: 

Trans Teenhood... or Teen Trans... or Teeny Trans (though that might not work). 

Let me explain why this term makes sense to me, and why I think it perfectly fits where I am. Like an actual teenager, teen trans: 

1. Are fairly independent... I don't need someone to do my makeup, help me pick out clothes, or do any of the basic things that a trans person needs to function. You can leave me alone for a while and I'll still be able to take care of myself. 
2. Know a lot more than they used to... but still have a lot to learn. I know how to put on a half decent face... but my makeup skills still need work. I am capable of appropriately presenting as Alicia, but there are still giveaways that I need to work on. 
3. Are still not fully detached from their "old self." I still see the lasting effects of male privilege in how I act, what I say, and how I view things. Case in point, yesterday, I made a comment defending Jo Koy's joke about Taylor Swift at the Golden Globes, and it was because I saw the joke as less about her and more about the NFL's obsession with her. A few women shared their perspective with me, and explained how the joke could be seen as hurtful and offensive to Taylor, and while I still saw it as more of a quip on the NFL's constant showing of her, I think he at least should apologize to her. 
4. Are "know it all's." Even writing this, I'm sure there will be far more mature people reading it and thinking "she's full of shit!" Truth be told, I'm at the point where I know enough to be functional as Alicia, but I still don't know enough to keep myself out of trouble. I still engage with transphobes on social media, thinking I'm going to make a point or find a "gotcha" when, in all honesty, there's nothing I can say or do that is going to shut them up or change their minds. They are going to think what they think, no matter what. And yet, I still keep talking. I also still do stuff that I'm sure my elder trans friends think is silly, or even inappropriate. But I'm pretty confident in who I am, and at times, I can be very stubborn about it. Someone critiqued my eye makeup a few months ago, and I wanted to get all butthurt about it... thankfully that's when my 38 year old self's wisdom intervenes and I realize that they are just trying to be helpful, and I need to learn from them. 
5. Are hormonal... literally! I'm only a year and change into HRT, and I started a new hormone this past October. These are changing my body, and making it react in ways it never has before. Most of those ways are completely expected and even beneficial... but there are side effects. I've noticed that I am more sensitive to allergens than I previously was... in fact, this past year, I was hospitalized three different times for a mystery swelling that turned out to just be a subcutaneous allergic reaction... I've always had the allergy, but because estrogen programs your body to act differently than testosterone does, my body now responds to it differently. The HRT is NOT causing the reactions or their underlying cause... it's just training my body to handle them differently. I literally had the same swelling incident happen this past week while on Vacation in Portland... but I now know that Predisone for a night combined with Pepcid bring the swelling down rapidly. I was back to my regular self the next afternoon, with no lingering side effects. At the end of the day, I've realized that I need to treat Alicia's body different than I did Terrence's... and that's a common trait of a teenager. 
6. Adults still think we are children... and we don't like that even though we really are. I can remember, when I turned 13, I no longer qualified for the Children's admission price at the movies, but since I was barely 13, my family (who oftentimes had few nickels to rub together) would still insist on trying to pass me off as a 12 year old to get the discount. I never went along with it because I didn't see the bigger picture... I just saw that I was still being called a kid and I hated it. I'm sure it annoyed them to no end, but I was insistent that I was no longer a kid, and didn't want to be kept in that box. However, even though I no longer qualified for the child discount, I was still, in very many ways, a child. Going back to my trans journey, when Jenna called me a baby trans again yesterday, I almost wanted to go "wait a second! I think I've grown beyond that phase!" And in many ways, I have (hence this blog post)... but in the eyes of Jenna (and many other experienced trans people), I am still very much a newbie, and certainly less mature because I am! That's why Jenna can still call me a baby trans, and I won't hate her for it. Also Jenna, if you read this, please know that you don't need to stop calling me a baby trans... compared to where you are at in the journey, I am very much still in my infancy and so like adults call teenagers children (and even babies), labeling me a baby trans is perfectly appropriate... the point I'm making in this blog is that "teen trans" may be a more appropriate term for me.
7. Can babysit, mentor, and even care for baby trans. I think one of the biggest things that convinces me that I've moved on from my baby trans phase is that, well, I now have baby trans people looking up to me, and seeking guidance and mentorship from me... and I'm in a place where I can give it. I currently have at least one friend whom I've sheparded, offered advice and suggestions to, and regularly check in on... even though we came out to each other at the same time, they are on a much earlier part of their journey than I am, and so I'm able to impart wisdom and skills on them that I couldn't have in my baby trans phase. As a college professor, I've had numerous opportunities to support students who have been questioning their gender, and I'd like to think of myself as someone who has passed down my experience in transitioning to them. Going back to my friend Jenna (sorry for bringing you up so much), I met her when she was in her baby trans phase... and while she is far from that now, there were certainly times where the advice or mentorship she provided me still had that immaturity of a baby trans in it... and I see myself doing the exact same thing with the person I'm mentoring (for example, I've told them numerous times "just transition and get it over with..." but that's honestly not the best advice to give someone who is still struggling with who they are), and I'm sure I've fallen short for my students at times too. It's a part of the process... a part of the journey. We look back on shit we did/said to someone earlier in their journey and go "ooooh! I probably shouldn't have said that." But you know what... they still turned out okay, just like you will. 
8. Are starting to think about the future. In my conversation with Jenna (who is literally taking the last step in her medical transition next week), a big piece of advice she gave me was to start thinking long term about my transition. How do I want Alicia to be like in 5... 10... 20 years from now? At this point, the milestones have been relatively fast and furious. I went from stepping out into public as Alicia for the first time to working/living full time as Alicia in a little more than two years. And so every goal I have planned for was "for the next month/quarter/semester/year." When you are a child, the thought of a year seems like forever... I can remember thinking of teaching for the first time as Alicia as some kind of far away goal that I might someday accomplish... almost as a fantasy. And then it happened. Same thing with starting HRT... Same thing with having my last day as Terrence... and yet, those things came fast and furious. But what's next for me? Hormones take years to fully set in... it will still take a long time before my hair grows to a length that I want to keep it as... Jamie and I still have tons more adjusting before we finally reach our new homeostasis with me as a woman (don't get me wrong... we've gone leaps and bounds... but we still have a way to go). So now is the time to start thinking about what my endgame is. How do I want to look like/sound like/be like once my transition is complete? Is it complete yet (no it isn't)? What other things do I need to do? How do I make sure that a rough patch isn't enough to push me into detransitioning (because they happen, and many a trans person reaches a point where they no longer feel comfortable continuing along their journey... though it's actually a very small percentage of the trans community). I will say I know how far I DON'T want to go (though it's inappropriate to ever ask a trans person this, I'll share it anyway; at this time, I have zero desire to ever get bottom surgery, and while there are a few reasons that I'd rather not share here, the biggest one is that I don't feel that I need it... my "feminine flaw" as my friend Hannah calls it, isn't really a source of dysphoria for me, so I don't see a point in going through all of the grueling work for it when I can instead devote that work to other goals in my transition)... but what DO I want? What's my endgame? Are there any surgeries I may want in the future (I think maybe hair plugs to completely get rid of my bald spot and top surgery are the only two I have on the table now)? How far do I want to go for laser hair removal? Do I want to also get electrolysis? Do I want to be able to go stealth if I have to? What about friendship/family/relationship goals? What about my career? Those things that we all think about in the long term are things that I have to think about AS ALICIA... my transition and my friendship/relationship/family/career/health goals are no longer mutually exclusive. I also have to bring this up, but in the political climate that is still quite hostile to transgender people, do I need to think about a safety plan should access to transgender care be taken away federally? What if anti-trans bills like "Don't Say Gay," or the many "Bathroom Bills" being proposed in red states become federal policies? It sucks to have to think of those things, but what would I have to do to protect Jamie and myself should it virtually become criminal (or at least unrecognized) to identify as anything other than the gender you were assigned at birth? Would I need to seek refuge in another country? Where would we go? Would I be in danger if I stayed here? Would Jamie? Those may sound far fetched, but I guaran-fucking-tee you virtually every single transgender person in the United States is either thinking, or needs to be thinking about them. Wow... that went dark quickly... but just like a teenager needs to start thinking long term, I'm at that point in my transition too. 
9. Last, but not least, teen trans people overthink a lot of shit... hence this post. But it was fun writing it! 

Let me close by saying that the term "teen trans" is still very malleable, and so should someone explain to me why it could be seen as offensive or inappropriate, I'm happy to change it... but the concept stays the same... I'm at a point where I'm no longer new to my journey, but I'm certainly a long way from completing it, and definitely still quite young in my transition in the eyes of more experienced trans folx like my friend Jenna (also, sorry I kept bringing you up)... just like a teenager! 

Let me know your thoughts! 

Hugs!

-Alicia