The Great Depression of 2015, Prologue: The Sugar Rush

 

I mean, he was one of the fathers of Calculus... he has to be correct, right!?!?

This blog post is the first in a series of posts I'm going to make about what was probably the most formative 3-year period in my life, what I call "The Great Depression of 2015." I'm mostly writing this blog as a way to reflect on the period from roughly 2014-2016 where so many things happened to completely rewire who I am, leading to so much of who I am today. While I call it "The Great Depression of 2015," that's primarily the apex of this season... there was a period of boom and bust in 2014, followed by a long, but joyful recovery in 2016, and the entire story can't be told by just focusing on the low point in 2015. While I'm writing this mostly for myself, it would be such a joy to find out that somebody got something useful out of this series... if you happen to be someone who did, feel free to let me know, and I'd love to share your experience. 

I'm not going back any further than 2012, so there may be some context missing in this first post, but I'll try to make it make sense as best as I can.

It was a warm late January afternoon in 2012. I had just come from a conference in New Orleans a couple of days beforehand, and I intentionally missed my connecting flight home (Southwest was cool with it at the time, so I just went with it), instead staying in Southern California. The past two days I'd holed up at a friend's house, intentionally being very careful with where I went so as to not run into somebody specific... my girlfriend Jamie. You see, I was hiding from her, so much so that I'd intentionally booked a flight home so she'd see that I couldn't be available during this time. Yeah, I lied... but I don't think she'd mind once she found out WHY I was hiding. You see, that late January afternoon was actually our 8th year anniversary, and I was going to surprise her. I'd lied to her only because she was insistent on coming up to see me that weekend, but I needed her to stay down in So Cal so I could surprise her, and so she could have many of her friends and sorority sisters around her to celebrate... you see, I wasn't just down to surprise her and take her to dinner... no, in my coat pocket, I had an engagement ring ready to pull out that night after dinner when we took a walk to the same lighthouse we went to on our first date. I'd gone to the lighthouse a few hours early to walk around and figure out where to pop the question, as well as where to station the person who would be recording the moment. I also got there early to make sure I got us a table at the restaurant I was taking her to (they didn't do reservations, and easily had an hour wait on Saturday nights). A few hours went by, and it was go time! Her best friend/sorority big sister brought her to the restaurant on the pretense that they'd be enjoying dinner together, only for me to walk out and surprise her... I'd say the big sugar rush I'm writing about here began the moment she saw me and started jumping up and down and clapping with joy! She was thrilled, and it was magical. We chatted for over an hour over our food, and then I took her on a walk over to the same lighthouse we had gone to on our first date. We got up there, made some small talk, and then I got a message from her sorority sister that everybody was in place, and her finance was behind us ready to start recording. At that moment, I knew there was no going back, so I began changing the subject... I told Jamie that I'd been weighing a major decision over the past few months, and after much prayer and talking about it with others, I'd actually brought Jamie up here to break the news to her, and that we could talk about it for as long as necessary afterwards (I mean come on, being the drama queen I am, this was totally how it had to go!). I then said "I don't know what's going to happen to me in the next few years... but I do know that whatever it is, I want you to be there with me for it. The song says 'Love is wherever I'm with you...' I want to come home." I then dropped down to one knee and asked her to marry me. Her reaction was special... she let out a huge yelp, started crying, and then said "REALLY!?!?" I confirmed that yes it was, and she very quickly exclaimed "Yes! Of Course! Do you know how long I've wanted this for!?!?" We then had a big hug with lots of tears and happiness! Seconds later, I told Jamie that someone was behind us taking pictures, and we turned and waived hello. Her friend made her way up the hill to congratulate us, and the four of us piled into a small car and drove to a nearby apartment where an engagement party was waiting to greet us. 

The greatest night of my life up to that point. And no, I don't mind that it happened as Terrence, but I'd love to re-live it as Alicia!

That night was so special for a number of reasons obviously but one big one was that it was a turning point. See, 2010 and 2011 hadn't been the best of years, and while things were looking up by the end of 2011, I wouldn't personally mark the end of that funk until this magical night. I'd been such an awful person in so many ways in the months beforehand (including attempting to come out in April of 2011, which was a total disaster!), yet to see the way Jamie reacted to me proposing, and to see the general jubilation that everyone had for us, it was clear that the tide had turned. Normally, engagement season isn't too thrilling for the groom, but as we all know now, I was pretty much just another bride at the point... only I couldn't wear a wedding gown. By the way, Jamie knew ALL about Alicia LONG before this night... in fact, she'd known before we'd even started dating. I've never hid it from her, and I'm blessed that she's stayed with me the whole time... in fact, when I came out, she was there for me to help wipe up the tears. But anyway, I was thrilled to have a say in the wedding, helping pick out cake, colors, invites, etc. Of course, being the bride, Jamie got to have top pick of everything, but it never felt like I was just an accessory to the whole thing (which is honestly a ridiculous way of starting out a marriage, and I'd argue one of the many reasons that the divorce rate is so high...). So the fun began! 

At the same time, I also figured out my Thesis topic (I was a grad student at the time), watched as the research all came together, and began seeing the finish line for my master's degree. I can't say it was all good though... I acted out quite poorly during my 27th birthday season, and drove my roommate to abruptly move out (I can't take all of the blame for that, but I certainly didn't help the situation). But again, the trend was in the right direction. 

That summer, I had an internship in Colorado that my thesis advisor had aggressively pushed onto me (though I'm glad she did)... what I feared would be twelve weeks of 80 hour work weeks and sleeping under my desk was actually a very rewarding internship, accompanied by weekends of hiking, drinking craft beer (I became a beer nerd during that summer), and enjoying Colorado weather. Honestly, it was an amazing summer, and by the time I'd left, I'd finished practically all my Thesis research and Literature review, took a train back to California (by choice!), and had my first teaching gig waiting for me back at home. Teaching went very well, my writing came along great, and I also finished my coursework with a BANG (I was taking, by far, the most difficult class in the entire program, and doing very well at it). By the time the world was supposed to end (this was 2012 afterall), I was riding high, the sadness of 2010 and 2011 left in the dust, and so much excitement for 2013 up ahead. 

This would sound like a good time for a shoe to drop... but nah! 2013 started in a great place... I had a conference in Austin, Texas (not far from where my family lives), and then a miniature train trip (I'd gotten into train travel by this point) from Austin to LA by way of Chicago (it was such a treat!). I'd say I got my first taste in wedding stress the following week, but it was mostly productive and positive. By the end of the week, we'd confirmed our wedding date: August 24, 2013... exactly ten years to the day we met! 

Once I made it back to school, I was surprised to find out that another class had been offered to me, and I was able to smoothly finish up. My thesis defense was three days after my 28th birthday, and I honestly didn't feel stressed going into it. By this point, I knew exactly what I needed to do, so I just did it. My feedback and revisions from my Thesis committee were relatively minor (like, could be done in an afternoon minor), so within a week, my thesis was out for signatures... I'd feared that my advisor would hold out on signing like she did with one of my colleagues, but I'd put some pressure on her with a hard move-out deadline, and a week before that deadline, she signed, and I was officially done (minus the tiny proofreading/formatting stuff that I paid someone to do... best $150 investment I could have made). I then packed all my stuff up, turned in my keys, gave everyone goodbye hugs, and jumped on a bus home to Southern California. I can remember the weekend I came home, Jamie and I were at her best friend's wedding, and as we were slow dancing, I remember looking at her eyes and saying "I'm back! For good!"

Funny enough, that wasn't true... I'd saved up a little money to do something selfish for myself one last time before getting married. I'd purchased a two-week rail pass on Amtrak, and essentially lapped the country (LA to Portland to Seattle to Chicago to Boston to NYC to DC to New Orleans to Chicago and down to San Antonio to see my family before heading back to SoCal) to both celebrate my Masters' degree, and to enjoy one last adventure as a bachelor(ette). I slept on trains, in Motel 6s, had very little rest, and a lot of junk food, but it was the most amazing way to celebrate, and something I'd love to do again (this time with my wife and better sleeping arrangements). Then I came home and began the final wedding push (and also had a pre-career conference and two root canals... one just three days before the wedding!!!), but on August 24th, 2013, we said I Do, and began our lives together! 

The day we became one. Even though I wasn't Alicia, this was and still is the happiest day of my life!

The day, and the honeymoon, were like a dream come true! We took an Alaskan cruise, spent a night in Seattle and a few nights in Portland, took a sleeper car on the train ride up (yeah, we were really into trains... mostly me, but Jamie really enjoyed it too!), and had a fun, care-free time. By the time we got home, we were on a high. Our first night home was really rough, honestly. Not because we were having a fight, but because we were both kind of down. At the time, I'd called it spiritual attack, and it probably was. 

Over the next two months, I'd say I went into a little funk... some peaks have a tiny dip in them, and this was one of those. With graduating, traveling, and the wedding behind me (and us), now came the reality that, honestly, I didn't know what comes next. My degree wasn't officially conferred until mid-October, so I couldn't start working yet (I probably could have, but Jamie, I, and our surrounding support system felt the time would be best spent adjusting to married life together since we kind of had the luxury of being able to do that, so we waited until I was officially awarded my degree before I started looking for adjunct teaching positions, and even then, we both had the understanding that I'd start out slow so I could get better at teaching. This was probably one of the biggest privileges I had in all of this, and also one of the reasons we married right after I was done with grad school... otherwise, we probably would have waited another year until I was more stable). But honestly, in that season, I felt worthless... I felt like a leech and a burden to Jamie. I'm honestly really thankful I felt that way... it drove me to push in and make getting a job my job for the time being. I'm thankful I was eager to get started, and thankfully, everything fell into place pretty quickly. I got a small tutoring gig and a little bit of unemployment money to tide me over (not that we needed it, but at least it felt like I was contributing SOMETHING to our household). In early November, just weeks after officially getting my degree, I was offered my first teaching gig teaching lab classes at Fullerton College. Now I felt like I just needed to get through the year and I'd start working. By the end of the year, I'd heard about another opportunity all the way in Rancho Cucamonga (like 50 miles away from where I lived! Oh, and I didn't drive at the time!), and for whatever reason, I felt called to pursue it... the classes I was offered couldn't work with my schedule, but then just days into 2014, I was suddenly offered two classes on days that would work perfectly for me, and at a time where it would be possible to commute out there by bus/train... like I said, I was hungry and eager, so teaching two classes 50 miles away consisting of a significant amount of material I'd never taught before was something I was willing to do. And I'm glad I did. 

So going into 2014, it felt like there was more promise on the way. But storm clouds were gathering...

I can't say the first couple of months of 2014 were bad... at worst, things were plateauing. We had a great first Valentines Day as a married couple, I was enjoying my new teaching gigs, and things were going well. But the first few bumps in the road ahead, while nowhere near what was to come, began to appear, and the sugar rush was starting to wear off...

The first domino came in early March of 2014... if what was to come could be likened to Lehman Brothers bankruptcy in 2008, this moment was more like BNP Parabas announcing in 2007 that some of it's holdings in Mortgage Backed Securities couldn't be accurately assessed for their value (basically, it was the very first sign that something was wrong)... I'd been pretty well settled into my teaching gigs, and was now getting ready for my first evaluation... while I was nervous, I was more eager to get feedback and see how I could improve. Instead, I was treated to a master class of how much I was doing wrong... I mean IT WAS BAD!!!! I bombed the evaluation... I can remember in mid-April getting my results in the mail, and reading them in our garage, almost bursting into tears because I felt like I wasn't cut out to be a teacher. I think the only thing that kept me from reconsidering my career was receiving a very good evaluation just a few days prior to getting that bad one in the mail. In hindsight, I definitely had made a lot of mistakes early in my teaching career, and my department chair was calling me out on them... BUT he also went out of his way after I received that evaluation to emphasize that he saw so much promise in me, and knew I could improve what I was doing... he's gone on to be an amazing mentor, friend, and ally! But at the moment, I was crushed. It felt like I had just come back down to Earth. 

Adding to that, less than a week after I bombed that evaluation, the church Jamie and I had been going to for almost 11 years announced that they were killing off the Young Adult ministry due to lack of leadership... while they'd promised "something for you in the Fall" (it was MARCH when this happened!), it felt like a lie (and turned out to be one). We'd been teetering with this church for a few months (long story), but this was the final straw... I had promised myself that I'd wait at least a year after we got married to look for another church if it came to that, and here we were having to do that a full six months early. I was angry, frustrated, defeated, and doubtful. The next week, we visited a campus of a megachurch that the church I went to in San Jose was modeled after (not the megachurch part, but the rest of how they did things). We sort of felt at home immediately. After a couple of weeks, we decided to plant our roots in that church... what we didn't know at the time was that the church was having a significant issue with congregational turnover, staffing, and more-so an egomaniac lead pastor whom wrote books and had books written about him. In fact, the storm we'd walked into was so bad, there's a whole podcast series about it called "The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill." That time bomb was still ticking when we arrived, and it didn't explode until a few months later... I'll share that in the next blog. At the same time, a time bomb at our old church was also ticking, and I genuinely believe that God called us out of that church when He did to protect us from that. But for the moment, leaving our old church gave us some stability. 

Going towards the end of Spring 2014, I was offered some summer classes at one of my college's satellite campuses, and things were wrapping up pretty well for Spring. Jamie and I were in a new church, while I'd bombed that one evaluation, I felt a lot better about the situation and had a decent improvement plan in place to address the concerns mentioned (and I did... the followup evaluation in Fall went very well!), I found a new radio show to listen to on the long rides to work (The Woody Show! YOU KNOW!), and Jamie and I got to do some Summer traveling with the extra money I was bringing in. So going into Summer of 2014, things were okay... we were thriving, I was digging into my career, making a little more money, and overall doing very well. 

Until Week 5 of that Summer class... I remember waking up on the Monday of Week 5 and feeling unusually tired. Thinking it was just a rough night's sleep, I pushed through my day, week, and the rest of Summer. But what I noticed was that it wasn't just one isolated morning... the next morning felt the same way... and the next... and the next... truth was, I was tiring mid-Summer. And I thought that getting through it and into my short Summer break would help... but it didn't 

The Sugar Rush was officially over... the Sugar Crash had begun... only this wasn't going to just be a sugar crash... considering I just came off of two and half years of high after high, this was going to be catastrophic... 

"Episode 1: The Sugar Crash" will come out when I feel like writing it... maybe sometime soon. Maybe not. But things you have to look forward to include the implosion of Mars Hill Church, a shocking event at my old church that kicked off a nasty split, the onset of brain fog on my part, a few work mistakes, my return to therapy, and blowing my first interview for a full-time position. Again, this series is being written as a way of processing this period of my life, which began some significant paradigm shifts in my life and I'd argue was a huge part of leading to who I am today. I don't think anyone is as interested in reading about three years of my history as I am about writing it, but if you feel that this story helps you in any way, I'd love to know. Feel free to contact me! 

Hugs,

-Alicia  

 
 
  

The Joy of Sadness

Joy and Sadness from the Disney/Pixar movie "Inside Out"

 

My wife and I just got back from seeing Inside Out 2 (sequel to the popular 2015 Disney/Pixar movie Inside Out), and I have to admit that it was... well... fantastic! I was anticipating there being a huge part of the movie being devoted to Riley's navigation of crushes and all of the, um, adult stuff that comes with puberty. Instead, I, along with the many people who have seen the movie so far, were treated to an excellent and fun exploration of the ever-changing complexities of human emotion when someone enters the transition from a child to an adult. It feels like everything about who you are is challenged, rewired, reset, and amplified in your teen years. Being in my late 30's, my adolescence sometimes feels like an eternity ago, but it also feels very much like yesterday. To this day, there are core memories from my childhood that still drive who I am... now obviously there have also been many memories and experiences post-adolescence that inform my personality now too. I can go into an in-depth explanation of the complexities of human emotions, and how Inside Out 2 did a really good job exploring them in a way that parents and children alike could enjoy... but I'm neither a psychologist, nor a film critic. I also don't want to spoil the movie for anyone who goes to see it (there is one spoiler I'll mention at the bottom of this blog, but I'd hardly argue that it's essential to the plot and doesn't dampen the experience of watching the movie yourself... I'll preface it with a Spoiler Alert). But the one thing I will say is that the sequel did an excellent job of building on the plot and messages of the first one. It felt very much like the same story was being told, but in a deeper way that felt very much like what a good sequel needs to do.

One of the best things the movie did was build on the respect and value that Joy gained for Sadness in the first movie. Here, rather than dragging Sadness through a library of Riley's memories and treating Sadness as nothing but a burden until the very end, Joy shows trust for Sadness, and calls her to action in many instances in the movie. The first movie was a story about Joy realizing that, ultimately, she can't do everything for Riley alone, and in this movie, she applies that lesson time and time again; granted she has a whole new set of lessons to learn... and to teach others. 

That's pretty all I'm going to say about the second movie though. Because I really want to go back and revisit, what I considered, the core message from the first movie, at least what my deep-in-the-middle-of-a-deep-depression-self (the movie came out in Summer of 2015... right in the middle of my worst bout of depression up to this point in my life... and the only time I ever had a serious thought about ending my life) took from the movie, and treasures to this day. In the first movie, Joy was large and in-charge. Anger, Fear, Disgust, and Sadness were all treated as supporting characters to Joy's running of the show. Yet, as Riley got older and began confronting the realities that come with life (moving, being in unfamiliar territory, feeling like she had no place of belonging, and dealing with the consequences of her emotions), it became obvious that Joy simply didn't have the capacity, nor the skillset, to be everything Riley needed. Future situations would require not just the assistance of, but also the full blown leadership of the other four emotions. At the end, what we are left with is a Riley whose personality and passions were informed by complex memories... memories of anger, sadness, fear, disgust, and joy, and its the contributions of those individual emotions to the bigger picture that makes Riley a more well-rounded and mature person. For the first time in her life, she was capable of letting all of her emotions guide her, and she ultimately learned a lesson that is essential to thriving on Earth... "It's okay to NOT be okay!" (I think I've seen that on a bumper sticker, a meme, and on people's social media before). 

But let me delve specifically into the relationship between Joy and Sadness... both the emotions and the characters. We oftentimes see sadness as a bad thing; something that should be avoided or ignored. Feeling sad means that you are weak, or can't view a situation the right way, or just have a bad attitude. Instead, we are supposed to be joyful and always think positively; We are supposed to love every bit of our jobs, every bit of our families, every bit of where we live, who we know, and our situations, and to think otherwise means you're ungrateful, or a bad person. But honestly, it's oftentimes because we love those things and take joy in them that we encounter sadness (and anger/disgust/fear). 

Let me give an example... I absolutely LOVE my job! Every morning, I still pinch myself when I wake up, because I know I'm where I belong and I take great Joy in the things I get to do and the fruits of that work. Just earlier, I ran into a student at Target, and it made my night. That being said, whenever I see a student trying to take a shortcut around actually learning and applying what I teach, I feel sad (because while I do try to prevent such shortcuts, they are inevitable, and by taking them, the student is getting much less out of my course), I feel angry with how common those students are, disgusted with a system that puts grades over everything else (thus students place more importance on getting an A than actually understanding the material, and thus take those shortcuts to ensure getting an A for fear that simply trying to learn/apply the material the right way will "only" yield a B), and fearful that, if we allow this to continue, higher education will lose all of its remaining credibility (which means that many of us will lose our jobs). I could write a whole blog just about that. But these feelings aren't mutually exclusive. It's because I get so sad/angry/disgusted/fearful about apathetic students that I find so much joy in the students who are genuinely curious, show me that they learned something, or have a positive attitude about learning. And it's because I take so much joy in what I do (and in the educational process) that I get sad/angry/disgusted/fearful about the negatives. 

But let's do a thought experiment... what if EVERY student I ever encountered was one of the students I got joy in. Let's say that I never had a student cheat/act disrespectful/be too hard on themselves/do the myriad of things that cause sadness/anger/disgust/fear in me. What if everything was good in life... what if everything was coming up Joy in life... suddenly, that joy becomes cheap. It becomes run of the mill. It becomes no longer worth fighting for because it's not a fight to have it. Think of the greatest things to ever happen to you... now imagine if they were the everyday norm. Everyday, you're getting a promotion, making a new friend, achieving some kind of milestone. Every day is just incredible... over time, that "incredible" becomes just "normal," and Joy becomes just "Meh." Personally, I don't want to "meh" anytime a student comes up to me fascinated about the hail they saw over the weekend, or the beautiful lenticular cloud they saw over the nearby mountains. Frankly, dealing with the apathetic student makes the encounter with the fascinated student that much more joyful! And it's the joy I take in the fascinated student that makes a rough encounter with another student sad... and it's because I feel sadness that I try to help that student in any way I reasonably can. 

So I guess what I'm saying is that we need sadness so that joy can be so sweet! And we need joy so that our times of sadness have meaning to them. 

Okay, since this is a blog at least partially about being transgender, let's apply all of this to my gender journey...

WARNING: One minor spoiler alert below (but it doesn't ruin the movie... I promise!)

I don't want to talk about a bunch of new characters here (the main ones are Anxiety, Embarrassment, Envy, Ennui, and a very brief appearance of a kind old lady named Nostalgia) but I will talk about one that kind of struck me... "Riley's Deep, Dark Secret." Why though? Because the truth was that, until a few years ago, "Alicia" was my deepest, darkest secret, and I'd regularly refer to her as that. 

Riley's Deep, Dark Secret. What is it? You'll have to go see the movie (and stay until the end!)

I spent years in Small Groups (basically the preferred Christian terminology for "bible study") talking about a deep dark secret. I oftentimes refereed to having one deep, dark secret in conversations with people, and honestly felt (and still do) that, save for this one monster behind the vault, I was a pretty vanilla person. Well, in 2015, interestingly enough when the original Inside Out came out, Alicia was still very much behind that vault... however, as I was dealing with my aforementioned deep depression (which I'm going to start writing a blog on its own about), the locks on that vault were being slowly unlatched (I wonder what kind of crazy battle my emotions were having inside my head at the time, haha!). I was struggling with, and asking questions about a lot of things. I'd just seen two churches I was a part of implode almost simultaneously (one completing shutting down, and the other experiencing a nasty split that took years to recover from), and I was questioning a lot about how truly imperfect the systems we've put in place are (and I don't mean imperfect as in "nobody's perfect," but imperfect in a way that the very nature of sinful behavior, at least as it was taught to me, was being blended in almost like a mix-in for your ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery), and noticing things that I thought were pure were indeed infected with sin... sometimes beyond redemption. At the same time, I was extremely early in my career, honestly wondering if anything would come of it (I'd just bombed a job interview at a college I taught part time at and wondered if I was actually cut out for this line of work... truth was, it was because I wasn't ready, and something much better was waiting for me when I was ready!), feeling like an absolute burden to my wife (who, at the time, had to bankroll a decent portion of what we did), and still having my "deepest darkest secret" hanging over me. Adding to all of this complexity was something that I wasn't ready for and hit me like a freight train... I had a student transition genders in my class! She came the first four or five weeks presenting as male, and then one day began suddenly presenting as female. I was DEEPLY uncomfortable (not her fault!)... first, supporting transgender students was still such a new topic at the time that I had no experience, and therefore had no idea what to do... I kind of did nothing... but also because every time I saw this student in my class, she was like looking into a mirror... here was someone who had let her "deep, dark secret" out, and you could see the instant impact. I regret not cheering her on more, and I wonder how she'd feel if she found out that the professor of the class she transitioned during was herself transgender. All of this to say that, especially after coming off of an emotional sugar rush myself (again, I'll write a blog about that someday), there was a whirlwind of things that all collided perfectly in Summer of 2015 to create the perfect storm of sadness for me. But it was also incredible to see the role of joy in all of it. I was sad about feeling directionless in my career because I took so much joy in it... I was sad about being a burden to Jamie because her friendship, companionship, affection, and love bring so much joy to me, and I was terrified about dragging her down with me. I was sad about how things were doing in my faith because faith has been such a source of joy to me. I was sad about feeling stuck as Terrence because I knew (and was seeing firsthand from my student) that there would be so much joy as Alicia. 

My "deepest, darkest secret" out of the vault and with the robe off... I think she's beautiful!

Fast forward to 2024... 

I'm seven years into a full time job I love, and able to provide decently for Jamie. I take so much joy in those things. I'm now living my life out and proud as Alicia... my deep dark secret is now out and running around with joy (she is very beautiful once you get her out of the vault and take the robe off!). I'm seeing how my identity as Alicia has actually made me a better teacher and supporter to my students (just the fact that the number of queer and trans students taking my class has skyrocketed feels like a purpose has been met... I can't imagine the supportive environment a future trans student could find in my class... and I'd be there and ready to give it to them!). While I can't say that I've solved everything on the faith front (honestly, that nuclear apocalypse that happened in 2014 was a blow that my involvement in the Evangelical church never recovered from), I'm honestly in a much better place now than I was even two years ago. I've seen God's hand act so mightily in my life, and I've seen God carve a path for me during this journey. I have zero doubt that transitioning was a part of God's plan for me, and a few one liners in scripture thrown around recklessly can't convince me otherwise. 

But I also think Sadness has made me a more well-rounded person. I'm okay with being sad now. I know that being sad about something (whether a bad day at work, a new transphobic law passing, a falling out with a friend, a death in my family, or an argument with Jamie) isn't just okay, it's a part of being well rounded. Being sad when things are less than perfect is healthy... as is being angry, disgusted, or fearful. I feel those emotions regularly, and I can see how they intertwine with each other. I also can see how they contribute to threads of my sense of self (that will make sense if you see Inside Out 2). I see the roles that the other five new emotions play. I'm a more whole person because I have allowed these things to play a role in my life...

And I feel so much joy in my wholeness!

Hugs!

-Alicia  

Three Years and One Gender Later...

I've shared my story of coming out to so many, and even in previous blogs, so I won't bore you to death with the details, but I will share a little summary here. My coming out process occurred during the first year of the COVID-19 pandemic, at a time where, in California, we had a set of tiers related to the risk level of catching/being hospitalized from COVID-19. These tiers had different levels of restrictions and precaution measures needed, and for about a year, they were a major part of everyday life. Well, in the process of coming out, I created my own tier list of people to come out to, based upon my projected level of support from them. The three tiers were: 

Green Tier - People who had, at one time or another, explicitly voiced support for the LGBTQ+ and Transgender community. - I started coming out to them in 2019 and all throughout 2020. These were mostly individual conversations because the number of people I needed to talk to was fairly low. 

Yellow Tier - People who have neither voiced support or opposition to the LGBTQ+ and Transgender community. This was probably the largest and most diverse group, consisting of colleagues, family (since the yellow tier was the largest, I decided to fully come out to my family prior to coming out to the yellow tier), friends, some old church friends who had indicated to some degree that they were at least empathetic to the LGBTQ+ community, and so on. I came out to my Yellow Tier on New Year's Eve, ringing in 2021. The vast majority, almost a totality (with a few exceptions) supported me.

Red Tier - Pretty much everyone else... old pastors of mine, church friends I expected to be largly unsupportive, people I knew were opposed to the LGBTQ+ community, and basically my full coming out. 

Well the day that I ended all hiding and fully came out to my Red Tier (and therefore everyone else) was early in the morning of June 12th, 2021... three years ago today! I'll confess that I had been up late, ready to burst, and had a *little* bit of liquid courage in me (by no means drunk, but definitely with my inhibitions down). I wrote a long, somewhat ranty facebook post (basically calling out all of the arguments that I thought I'd hear from people who would oppose it). Here's a screenshot of the post (Trigger warning: I do use the F-slur in this post as a quotation of how many people view LGBTQ+ people... but I also clarified that it was a quotation and that I, in no way, believe that): 

I actually tried coming out in 2011, with a significantly smaller support system at the time, and had a very rough response (I was blasted to Kingdom Come with "Tough Love"). When I sent out this post, I had a HUGE support system, and I also had a large number of Red Tier people already aware that I was trans. I ran it by Jamie before I posted it, and when I woke up the next morning, fearing some massive fallout, I was very blessed and surprised by the huge amount of love and support I had waiting for me. That night, Jamie and I went out for Fondue and then a drive to a lighthouse (lighthouses are a big symbol of our relationship because our first date was at a lighthouse, and I proposed to her eight years later at the same lighthouse). 

Let's just say that I was blown away by this, and really felt empowered to begin actually transitioning. Within a few weeks, I was starting laser hair removal, and within six months, I was clicking my heels into a classroom! 

Three years and one gender later, I'm now out, proud, transitioning, and living my best life as my true self! 

All that being said, there's a good image I once saw and want to implore to all of you: It is MUCH nicer outside of the closet, but if you do not feel safe being out, I'll guard the door for you! Don't come out if you don't feel ready, but when you are, know that there are a lot of people who will be here for you! I am so, so thankful for those who have been here for me!

Hugs!

-Alicia

 

You Matter - Stay for Them!

 Before I begin, Trigger Warning: Suicide.

 

As I'm writing this, my most "popular" blog post has had maybe 15 views, and I'd bet almost half of them are from me going back over what I wrote. Now personally, I really don't care if this blog gains a giant following or ever gets any kind of traction... at the end, I'm writing this for myself. That being said, this blog is a form of vulnerability, and I have to assume that, at some point, it's going to be picked up by a hate group of transphobic trolls, and shared around like currency (sad to say, but my coming out video on YouTube has about 1.5K views, and of that, about 1000 of them are from a hate group... thanks for the views!), and so what I share on here can be weaponized to harm me or the people I love. But I also feel that what I'm sharing here is important enough for that risk to be taken because, if I've made the life of one person (CisHet or LGBTQ+) better because of what I wrote here, that single difference is all worth it. That being said, I wanted to touch on this really quickly. 

While I've never had a concrete plan to, nor have seriously considered it since transitioning (I have prior), I've thought about taking my own life before... many people have... especially transgender people. And there are days where the hate messages, the hostility, and the threats bring me to a point where I feel like things would be so much better for myself, for others, and for society if I just went away. And I know I'm not alone. A commonly cited (and often misquoted) statistic is that, at some point in their life, approximately 41% of transgender youth attempt suicide... because this post isn't about suicide awareness, I'm not going to try to provide correct context to that number, but I am going to say that I certainly believe that a significantly large percentage of transgender individuals, both youth and adult, have thought about it, a smaller but certainly still significant percentage have seriously considered it or have made a concrete plan, and a horrifyingly decent percentage of them attempt it. And I can understand why: 

I'm sure that if you've lost friends, family members, significant others, careers, livelihoods, status, safety, housing, credibility, or have been a topic of debate amongst a ton of people who have no idea what the fuck they are talking about even though their uneducated decisions have very real consequences on your life, had rights (to adequate care, safe bathrooms, representation and visibility, job protections, and so on) either stripped from you or on the line every single election year, have been mischaracterized as "groomers," "predators," "pedos," been the recipient of constant hate messages, attacks, doxing, or even death threats, I'm sure you'd be suicidal too! 

And to those who don't think it's that bad, or think that a queer person is being soft or weak for being negatively impacted by all of it, I'd say that you're just as big a part of the problem as those who have abandoned, harassed, or hurt queer people. Everyone, no matter how strong they are, will break at some point. Everyone! 

BUT...

Whether you know it or not, every single one of you has someone who you matter to. I am beyond blessed that, when I come home, my person is there waiting for me (or if she's gone, I'm there waiting for her). I know that if something were to happen to me, it would be devastating to her. It would be devastating to many, but especially her! And I simply can't do that to her. I think of the pain I'm feeling at my lowest moment and recognizing that, if I gave into that pain, it would inflict a pain a thousand fold on her! And I can't do that... I WON'T DO THAT! 

I'm pretty fucking blessed in that area though. I met the most amazing woman my freshman year of college, fell instantly in love, and somehow won her over to loving me. While in the period of struggle before transitioning, we had lots of struggle and arguments, but made it through (not everyone does), and are still happily together. I know many trans people who lost their partner well into their, or after completing their transition, so I always keep that thought in mind, but even then, as long as she wants me to be in her life, I WILL be in her life, and will be there for her. 

Many of you may not have that person waiting for you to come home at the end of the day, or that person to roll over towards you in bed to snuggle. Many of you may have had that, but lost it. But significant others are only one type of person that you can make happy. If you're a part of any kind of social network, there's a high chance that you've made a number of friends that actually look forward to your posts/updates/milestones. If you're a part of a support network, there are others in that support network that look up to you. If you're a teacher, I can almost guarantee you that you have at least one student whom you make happy. What I'm getting at is that all of you have someone who you make happy, whose life is better because you are in it, and who would be devastated if you left. 

So stay for them. 

There was a good song that, ironically was sung by someone who eventually took their own life, Chester Bennington (of Linkin Park) called One More Light. The chorous to the song says: 

If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We're quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do

 Stay for the "I" and I promise you there are many more "I's" in your life than you think! 

Just as an aside, I know this is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY easier said than done. Please don't take what I'm saying as a dismissal of that reality. We all have moments of weakness, and I think that too many people take offense at someone reaching that rock bottom point and attempting to end it (and I get that too), but please know that you are not alone, you DO matter, and someone will care if your light goes out. So if you need it, please get help... Here are a few resources for that: 

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/ (The Trevor Project)

https://pflag.org/resource/support-hotlines/ (PFLAG... They have a good list of agencies that can help). 

https://988lifeline.org/ (988 - Suicide Hotline)

Even just texting someone you love (and is safe to you!) and saying "I need help!" can make all the difference in the world:

I mentioned earlier that while I haven't seriously considered suicide in a long time, it's not "never." In 2015, I was in a deep bout of depression, and while watching a train approaching the platform I was at, I seriously thought about jumping in front of it... Instead, I got on that train, had a MAJOR mental breakdown, and just so happened to get a phone call from my stepmom... she realized that I was in really bad shape and intervened. That day was my rock bottom. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't asked for help. There's a good chance I wouldn't be writing this right now. 

So please... stay for them! 

Hugs,

Alicia

I'm not a man in a dress!

Harry Styles rocking a dress for Vogue. This was seen as a pretty big deal.

Every morning when I get up, I have a normal (albeit unhealthy) routine of check my social media, email, blogs, and just getting myself caught up on the morning's gossip. Part of that is checking out some of my favorite transgender social media accounts and blogs, like my friend Hannah's. This morning, she made a post on her X/Twitter/WhateverMuskIsCallingIt about the idea that if there wasn't a stigma around men wearing women's clothing, more men would do so. And I agree wholeheartedly, and I love the idea of people being unfettered from the gender norms and expectations, specifically around dress. In addition to Harry Styles, many other men have embraced the skirt or the heels, or adding clothing that is traditionally considered "women's clothing" to their wardrobes. 

Mark Bryan, the man in a skirt... let's be real though... he's got some KILLER LEGS!!!!

As I was beginning to transition, a well meaning friend sent me this blog, which featured Mark Bryan, a man who wears a skirt, heels, boots, etc to work all the time: https://www.boredpanda.com/confident-man-wears-heels-skirt-markbryan911/ Holy crap, doesn't he look amazing!?!? And he's not the only one. You'll find many instances of men who, for a millions reasons from comfort to wanting to make a social commentary, rock those cute outfits and show that men can wear dresses!

But that's not who I am. It just isn't. And I'm thankful for that. As I mentioned above, that blog about Mark Bryan came from a wonderful, well meaning friend, and it wasn't the only one I got from supporters. Several people showed me articles, images, and profiles of men who were breaking the cistem (See what I did there?) and showing me that men can wear dresses and look fabulous in them. And it made me feel good, excited and also a peace with something... 

I am not a man in a dress... I don't care what bigots, trolls, haters (including those who may find this blog) or others who claim to be "experts" (mostly graduates from MAGA University) say. I am not a man in a dress...

I am a transgender woman... and transgender women are women... therefore, I AM A WOMAN! 

My wife and I got to me THE Jonathan Van Ness a few months ago.

When I see men who are embracing clothing considered more feminine, or non-binary people like Jonathan Van Ness or Alok Vemon, I pump my fist in celebration of them. But I have to admit that, for a short time, I tried to distance myself from them, and the reason why was because so many people use them as an example of "see, you can wear dresses too," when, while I love wearing dresses (take this dress from my cold, dead body!!!!), this is all so much deeper than that. 

Honestly, growing up, I never felt like one of the boys. I never wanted to play sports or roughhouse. I was a spoiled brat who stayed home and played with LEGOs and Video Games, while watching the Weather Channel... not that any of those things were inherently feminine. I also always felt more comfortable around the girls, but our gender-obsessed society always lumped me in with the boys. It wasn't until high school when a girl I met in my senior year AP English class befriended me and decided to invite me to hang out with her group of friends, mostly girls. Her name was Alicia... and YES, she was the person who inspired my name (she knows... I never hid that from her when I came out). I ended up going to prom with that group, and keeping in touch with a lot of them. Then in college, I got HEAVILY involved in the Evangelical Church, and they were pretty obsessed with guy only/girl only nights. They were also very obsessed with the idea of staying in your lane gender wise. I had a lot of amazing memories there, but also mourn the reality that I, as Alicia, would never be welcome in those spaces without some pretty huge conditions (such as detransitioning). What's funny is one night, I remember hanging out at a house party, and all of the guys were in one room hanging out while all of the ladies were in another room just chatting... I felt no connection with the guys, but instantly felt at home with the girls. That wasn't a game changer, but it was yet another reminder that I wasn't a man. 

For me, it wasn't just about wearing a dress. It was about something else. It was about feeling more comfortable in my skin, feeling more in my element with people, and being able to express my true self and be useful to the world as my true self. There's a reason why I don't just throw on a dress in the morning and walk out the door... I still, to this day, have about an hour long morning regimen that, as Terrence, I would have knocked out in 15 minutes. And it's worth every second when I get to see the finished product... someone who is feminine, has some curves, long(er than I used to) hair, and softening skin. It's also becoming so special when, even after taking off the dress/makeup/etc, I can STILL see some curves as I slip on my night dress... still see more feminine features than I used to have. I see him less and less every day, and her more and more! That goes well beyond just items of clothing, or even makeup. It goes to being more in place with who you are. Who I am. 

Fuck what others say... I am a woman!

 

A woman! 

Hugs! 

-Alicia

When you're just not feeling it...

 

For the very colorful person I am, I've been in a pretty muted season as of late...

 

Have you ever had a bad day? I mean, why am I even asking that? Of course you have... we all have! Bad days are just a part of our lives... they happen! But have you ever had a bad season? Now, I don't necessarily mean a period where you lost your job, had your home foreclosed, got cheated on and had both your mom and dad die all in a short period of time, though I know people who have been dealt pretty shitty hands like that before. No, I'm talking more about one of those seasons where you just couldn't get yourself up to 100%... your head just wasn't in the game... even the things you love weren't motivating you. Even though nothing specific was wrong, you were just... well... in a funk. 

To be honest, that's where I'm at right now. I just came off of Spring Break, a time where my wife and I almost always (with the exception of the year the COVID pandemic had just started) travel a bit during Spring Break. Even last year, when I needed an emergency root canal at the beginning of the week, we were still having fun in Vegas by the end of the week. But this year, well, it just didn't happen. To be honest, a whole lot of nothing happened. Of the nine days I had off, I didn't leave our apartment (except to maybe pick up some food) 4 days, left for a couple of hours to "storm chase" one day, went to church and brunch one day, had one full day out, and then went out to dinner with Jamie twice... Practically, the rest of the time, I was at home, and most of the time I was at home, I was laying down in bed. I only put on makeup three of those nine days, and most days I just lounged around the apartment in pajamas. 

In some ways, it was glorious. In others, it was depressing. Very, very depressing. And, personally, it was very concerning for me. As someone who can't wait to jump out of bed in the morning, put on my face, and say hello to that beautiful woman in the mirror, to be so unmotivated to even take a shower (don't worry... I still bathed... I'm not that gross) seemed very off for me. 

But it really wasn't surprising. To be honest, lately, I've felt like I've been running on Empty. Barely able to get myself through the week, letting my laundry pile up day after day after day, and even settling for quick and easy outfits rather than taking the time I usually take to excitingly plan out a cute, feminine outfit. I've noticed this trend for about six months now... maybe a little longer. Now don't get me wrong... words can't describe how much joy I feel when I see "her" in the mirror. I still get so excited when I do have the motivation to plan a cute outfit. I still enjoy every single second of living my life as Alicia, and no, I still have zero desire to detransition. But for whatever reason, my energy, and the energy that getting to be my true self gives me, has been waning. I feel like I just want to have a season of just going through the motions and recharging. I want to just phone it in for a few months so I can come back stronger afterwards. I'm burnt out. Even this blog, which I started strong with has suffered. 

So why? I'm not sure who is going to read this, but what I wrote above sounds like depression. Low energy, low motivation, the simplest tasks (like making dinner or doing laundry) feel like pulling teeth. Last week, I actually had kind of a breakdown where I started worrying that one of my long time supporters and allies wasn't a supporter anymore... it wasn't her, it was me. And it triggered a night of crying because I kept overthinking things... but it felt like I needed to cry. I needed a good cry... we all do from time to time. 

All that being said, In the past decade, I've had two other major bouts of depression, so it is worth looking at those and trying to figure out what this current time has in common with them. 

The first bout was what I call my 2014-2015 "funk." The first symptom I noticed was in July of 2014, when, halfway through my first summer term as an adjunct professor, I suddenly tired... I started dragging, began getting slower in my grading and lesson writing, and while it wasn't awful, it was noticeable. That fall, the church my wife and I had been a part of for over a decade was going through a nasty split, and the church we were now at was practically collapsing (in fact, it was so bad, that a 12-episode podcast on it was released by Christianity Today... look up the Rise and Fall of Mars Hill). The following Spring, those circumstances had improved, but I wasn't getting any better emotionally... in fact, by Summer of 2015, I was having random crying spells, constant panic attacks, and finally had a mental breakdown on my way home from work on afternoon. A family member intervened, helped me get myself on stable ground emotionally, and I actually started antidepressants (pro tip: the stigma of antidepressants is such bullshit... a decent percentage of the people I know either have been, or are currently on them... it doesn't make you a weak person). I noticed that, within a few weeks, the dread I was feeling suddenly lost all of its edge. By the end of 2015, I'd say that the funk was over. 

While it would be easy to pinpoint the church drama happening as a source of anxiety and uncertainty, and possibly a starting point in the depression, that really doesn't make sense. I began feeling the slide before that (earlier in the summer). After a year of working through everything with a therapist, I came up with a pretty good hypothesis for it... I was coming off of a "sugar rush" in my life... 

Let me explain... in the years 2012 and 2013, I got engaged, had a very successful summer internship in a beautiful area, got to take the train cross-country more than once (I LOVE train travel!), got to teach a class for the very first time, finished/defended my Masters' Thesis and subsequently graduated, got married, and went on an amazing honeymoon, and then started my first classes as an adjunct professor. That's a lot of high moments in a 2-year time span. In that 2 year period, I constantly had something to be excited for, looking forward to, or a new accomplishment to be proud of. It was just a period of continuous winning! But life has its ups and downs... that level of milestone after accomplishment after thing to look forward to can't last forever. Even the richest, most successful, and happiest people in the world don't get years and years and years of non-stop wins. Everyone has to take an L at some point. For me, I thought my first L was coming in Fall of 2013 when, after getting married and coming home from the honeymoon, I had nothing lined up (that was actually a part of the plan, but it still sucked to feel so worthless)... but even then, within a month, things started falling into place. I'd say my first true L came in April of 2014, after I got a scathing peer evaluation at one of the schools I taught at. It turned out that the person who gave me the evaluation had a "burn-build-burn" approach to mentorship, and while I had some serious issues I needed to address, the evaluation was mostly his way of tough-loving me... he has since become a good friend, ally, and I still see him as a mentor to this day. But at the time, that was my VERY FIRST evaluation, so it was harder for me than I would have liked. Following that, the W's didn't come so rapid-fire as they used to, and well, the sugar rush wore off. It was, in a very real sense, back to reality. 

Okay, so that all explains the first bout of depression. What about the second one? The second one was a shorter, but still pretty pronounced bout of depression that lasted about 6 months in 2018. During the time, I was having a hard time building a reputation at work that would get students to want to take my classes, and I was being pressured pretty heavily by my dean to increase enrollment... I felt like my lack of putting butts in seats made me worth less at work, and at the same time, I was struggling with handling overly demanding students, and just wondering if I was meant to be a college teacher. So again, circumstances played a role in my depression. But, yet again, I was coming off of another sugar rush... In 2016, I had earned my driver license (yes, I was a late bloomer) and saw a world of possibilities opening up before my eyes. I took three different road trips for the remainder of that year, had a very constant, and even abundant workload of classes (thus, income, even though adjunct pay sucks compared to being full time), and by the end of the year, I had a late night email that lead to me pursuing a job that I ended up getting... a dream job! Eight years later, and I still can't believe I get to do what I do! Follow that up with getting to do more professional work, seeing the 2017 Great American Eclipse in Totality, and just being in a more stable position, and I was riding high in 2017. Then the crash came in 2018. 

See where I'm getting at... there's a cycle going on here. Boom followed by Bust. Kind of like the stock market, but for life. 

Well, what about now? Well, let's be frank... I'm coming off of a HUGE sugar rush. 

In 2019, I got to finally "meet" Alicia. Though the next six months or so were rough with figuring out all of this with my wife, by the end of the year, we were both pretty confident that Alicia is here to stay. 

In 2020, while the world was going to shit, my world was actually going okay. By the end of the year, I realized that transitioning was inevitable, and both my wife and I had accepted that... it was a conclusion we had come to together, which honestly made it that more special. 

In 2021, I came out to everyone, started fortifying my support system (thank you all so much!!! <3), began gender therapy, and began crafting a real life as Alicia. 

Then... 2022 was a HUGE year. Within 6 days, my name was changed at my part time job, and I got to start teaching as my true self. Meanwhile, at my full time job, my dean at the time caught wind and ensured me that when I was ready, my school was ready for Alicia. What I thought was a "maybe in the fall" pipe dream quickly became a reality... about two years ago, I started working full time as Alicia. Within months, I was serving on committees to make changes at work, helping hire a new Pride coordinator, being invited to panels, and just getting to be a resource for the community. In July, I got to meet two of my role models in the trans community, by August, I had spent my first full month as Alicia, I finally returned to campus after COVID in September, and began HRT in October. Just a week later, I got to serve on an SV Pride Coming Out Panel, and got a huge surprise when an old friend from my old church showed up to support me (that was bigger than I could ever describe)... the next week, I was serving on another panel for Out & Equal in Las Vegas, and by the end of the year, I was trying on wedding dresses for a vow renewal ceremony. I began 2023 literally (on New Years Day) by introducing my whole family to Alicia! 

The past year, though, hasn't seen nearly the same level of excitement and win after win after win. Meanwhile, HRT has caused me to gain about 20 pounds, and I can feel every one of them, I'm pretty burnt out at work (I love what I do, but I need a summer off to refocus and retool... thankfully I'm going on Sabbatical next year), and I'm just feeling emotionally drained. At the same time, I'm watching the political climate in the US trending towards transphobia, though the past month has seen the tide turn... but yes, this is the first presidential election where I feel like my life is literally at stake. I still get constant hate messages and notes of harassment from people. I'm missing a bunch of my old friends, and having a hard time letting my guard down with the friends I still have. Like I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, just a few weeks ago, I was worrying that I had lost a pretty meaningful friend/ally. I have lost friends, including some who had initially supported and affirmed me as a trans woman. I have to admit that, while I also know it's an insult to my friends who I have, I still have my guard up... and to some extent, that's necessary. Just last week, I had to leave a Beer social group because the moderator struck down someone's message of support for Transgender Day of visibility as "too political and opinionated." I find I'm taking some things way more personal than I used to. Other things that others may think I take too seriously, I do so for a reason (someone deleting a post voicing support for transgender people because it's "too political" for example... if supporting trans people is political to that person, that's not a safe person to be around).

Anyway, that's what I think all of this is. I think I'm coming off of another sugar rush... I had a season of nonstop accomplishments in my journey as a trans woman, and now I'm settling into reality, patiently waiting for hormones to do their thing before I figure out what my next steps in my transition are. I'm pretty anxious about the outcome of the upcoming election, and I don't think that's uncalled for. I'm trying to figure out how I can kickstart some weight loss... some of my favorite dresses are getting a little tight, and I still have a wedding dress to hopefully fit into someday. There's a lot of uncertainty coming up. And so adding that to coming off that sugar rush, and I think that explains my current funk. 

At the end of the day, I don't think it will last. I really don't. I'm excited for the next steps in my life, and I know that another round of exciting days are ahead. I still think there are lots of great years ahead of me to live, and I'm just getting started (even though I'm midlife now!)

Anyway, I just needed this time to mental dump. Maybe I'll edit this into a better blog someday, but if you do read this, just remember that there is a rainbow after the storm. Every dip comes with another jump. Life can get good again, even when it currently is rough. Be excited for that. 

Onward! 

-Alicia

Coming out at Work...

 

The morning a dream I'd had for years came true...

I can't believe it's been two years since my wife took the picture above of me, as I was getting ready to... get some starbucks before coming back to log on to my zoom class, like I had done for the past two years, but only in a very... different... way....

Yeah, that picture was from the day I had dreamed of for years... from the first time I set foot into a classroom in slacks, a button up and a pair of dress shoes, I had hoped for a day when I could swap that out for a cute dress, shoes (likely boots), and jewelry. It was the day that I finally got to enter a classroom (even though virtual at the time) as my true self! 

So looking at this picture, and having just passed the two year anniversary of this amazing moment, I wanted to share a little bit about my experience of coming out at work, and starting to teach as my true self. I should note that, while much of what I'm going to share is has been super rosy, there have been some bumps that I'll share about in future blogs... nevertheless, those bumps were all procedural and systematic rather than any kind of actual resistance I experienced from anyone. I have been blown away by the response I got from my colleagues and students as I have brought my true self into my place of work. In fact, before I continue, I should preface this whole thing with saying that I believe my experience is an exception rather than the rule; I have heard of so many people who had a hard time transitioning at work, were outright rejected, or even lost their jobs because they came out... I am privileged to be a state employee in the most progressive state in the nation... while the high cost of living and the sometimes "head in our asses" (shadows on playgrounds due to new housing being a concern... really San Francisco!?!?) approach to things can be a turnoff, I wouldn't give up my life in California for anything. And because of where I live and who I work with, I had a pretty immense privilege; while many people complete their social transition by transitioning at work, work was actually the FIRST place I had the privilege of bringing my true self into... because even when I wasn't fully ready to be Alicia full time, they encouraged me and lifted me up, and in many meetings, I was implored that not only was Alicia going to be welcomed into these spaces, but that she was NEEDED in these spaces. To have a colleague tell me straight up, "We NEED Alicia in this space!" was game changing, and something I'll never forget about my experience transitioning. It's funny to think, I remember going into that meeting expecting it to be a difficult one (I'd been recruited into a project at work that, honestly, I didn't feel like a good fit in, and I thought this would be the "shape up or ship out" meeting), and instead, I walked out of that meeting in joyful tears about the fact that Alicia was of value to the project, and that if anything, this project was my way of integrating Alicia into my job. In case you're wondering, that was a HUGE game changer, and pretty quickly changed how I was doing on the project. When the project was finished, I was so thankful to see the mark I had placed on it, and how, specifically, Alicia, had been of value to the project. 

At the same time, I still hadn't clicked my heels into the classroom... yet. The COVID lockdowns had ended, and we were beginning to phase back in on-campus life, and I'd had the dream of walking back into a physical classroom for the first time as Alicia. I thought it was a fantasy until something else amazing happened. 

On January 6th, 2022 (no, not the same Jan 6th as the terrorist attack... yes, that's exactly what it was!), I received a message from my super-supportive Administrative Analyst at my part-time teaching gig that said "Hey Alicia... I want to update your information on our website and department poster... is it okay if I use a picture of Alicia and refer to you as Alicia on the site?" I said yes, but then she also let me know how to update my "preferred name" in the college's system. When I did it, I thought it would all be internal, but one super-quick glance and I realized that, for all intents and purposes, I was now Alicia (including on the schedule of classes... that STUDENTS saw!!!)... rather than panic, I kind of smiled and said "welp, I think I'm Alicia now!" I messaged that Admin to tell her and she said "Woohoo! You're going to be your true self at work now! [everyone in my department was super supportive, so I was thrilled!]" 

So that was it... I'd be teaching as Alicia! Something I had dreamed of and prayed for over many years. And the clock was now ticking. I made the decision to make a coming out video because I knew that many students may have questions (since many of them had signed up for a class taught by "Terrence"), but I was honestly feeling pretty set about this myself... 

 

My coming out video...

 

And that was it... I was now Alicia at my Part Time job... the first one to come back to campus after COVID, which meant that, for all intents and purposes, the last day I was in a classroom before COVID, was the last day I'd be in a classroom as Terrence... hopefully ever! 

 

I remember waking up that morning, Thursday, January 26th, 2022, at 6am (my class wasn't until 9) so nervous and excited... I spent over an hour getting prepped, prettied, and feeling like my true self. 

 

Makeup laid out, and a "First Day of School" sign ready to go!

My wife offered to take some photos, and there it was... I was logging on as my true self for the first time. I usually pray before I begin my first class of the day (I still do... I'm not going to let extremists tell me that I can't be both a Believer and Transgender!), and then before I logged on, I briefly said "Thank you, Cassandra" under my breath... Cassandra was the affirmed name of a transgender student I had in a class seven years earlier... she was someone who made me feel uncomfortable, not because I didn't accept her, but because she was literally doing what I had wished I could do, and if you ever read this Cassandra, I owe so much to you! And that was it... I was now Alicia at one place of work! 

Welp... 

The stars were really aligning for me that year because at my full time job, my former dean had just gone into retirement, and his successor was a good friend of mine who was also a huge supporter. She saw my Facebook post and reached out to me pretty quickly after my first day as Alicia at my part time job and asked me "so when are we going to see Alicia here?" I told her that I WISHED it would be in our Spring Term, but probably not until Fall, and she encouraged me (not in a "I'm your boss" kind of way, but more in a "Only when you're ready, but we're ready for you when you are!" kind of way) to consider moving my timeline up, especially now that I'd made a coming out video and doing the stuff to change my name at work ***Should*** have been easy in both our eyes. After one quick chat about it, I was ready... Spring of 2022, I'd be transitioning at my full time job, and since most of my students already knew (several had seen my coming out video and had sent me messages of encouragement), I was ready to go. In fact, I couldn't wait that long... since everybody knew, I decided that my optional final exam review session (which I do every term) would be "Final Exam Review With Alicia!" (since many of my students wanted to meet Alicia, I actually used that as a carrot to get people to come to the final review session), and I had great turnout and tons of support! 

Even though it was just a review session, this moment was historical for me!

After a Spring Break where I enjoyed lots of Pliny the Younger, fantastic weather, and excellent time with my amazing wife, it was time to finally become Alicia at work... Full Time! 

No longer hinted at or hidden in any way! I was wearing the same outfit I wore after my first full transformation. What a way to celebrate finally being Alicia full time!

 

No longer having to switch between Alicia and Terrence... No longer having to remember who I was and where (not that it was a secret anymore)! I was now Alicia... full time at work! I'm sure some people shot double takes or needed time to adjust. Some may still wonder, but whatever. I was now Alicia! Fully Alicia! A few months later, I went on my first full vacation as Alicia, and after my wife's 40th birthday (she didn't ask for it, but I promised that I'd give her one last day of Terrence before I went full time), I essentially began living as Alicia full time. On October 2nd of that year, I took my first HRT pills, and on December 30th of that year, I presented intentionally as Terrence for the very last time (it was for my grandma, who wanted to see Terrence one more time... after I did it, she told me that even if I had come as Alicia, she would have welcomed me with open arms... but also implored that "thank you... now I'm ready to meet Alicia." and referred to me as her granddaughter when I showed up the next day en femme!)

Since then, I've been so blessed to be a part of the LGBTQ+ movement at work. I advocated for a full time position for a Pride Center coordinator, helped serve on that hiring committee, have watched our Pride Center just plain blossom under that person's leadership, and have actively advocated for numerous changes to our policies and procedures to make both schools more welcoming. And I've seen so much fruit come from that work! And I've even been blessed to win awards at both schools for my contributions.

I had the honor to speak at De Anza's 2023 Pride/Trans flag ceremony! 

 

And the rest is history. To be honest, I'm sharing this to both celebrate my success in transitioning at work, but also to say something to those of you who I know have struggled transitioning and coming out...

YOU ARE LOVED!!! 

YOU ARE WELCOMED!!!

and

YOU ARE NEEDED!!! 

That's easier said than done for me... I've been phenomenally blessed! I work in one of the most progressive settings on the planet, and with some amazing people! I have been blessed in ways that I probably take for granted. But if you are reading this somewhere where you are not loved/welcomed/embraced/needed, I want to tell you that those places DO exist! This world is dark in so many ways, but there are still so many who want nothing but the best for you, and want to see you do nothing other than flourish! And so rather than sharing my story as a "look how easy I have it," I want to instead share it as a call to you that there are places where you are valuable... where you are loved... where you are welcomed... and where you are NEEDED!

And straight up... we NEED more Transgender Visibility! We do... in a society where some are trying to paint us as "mentally ill perverts who need to be kept away from children," we need to be present and taking up space in society. So if you are reading this and feeling exhausted or hopeless about your prospects of being your true self, I can tell you firsthand that there are spaces that need you! 

And I need you... if you are reading this and are a trans person, I need you... you remind me that I'm not alone, and I hope I can do the same for you! 

Hugs, 

Alicia